Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you for your kindness Choconuttolata. I don't want to talk to anybody.

Ok, but I want you to know I am here if you need someone, you can PM me if need be I am around all day today and can talk if you need a friend to listen. I am thinking of you and sending strength and hugs xx

Thank you Choconuttolata. You are very kind.

I did message the counsellor.

I put bullet points to what happened yesterday & the outcome, & added on the bottom that I do not want to talk about this.

Glad you messaged the counsellor, if he calls please consider picking up the phone even if you don't want to talk about it right now x

Thank you for being here Choconuttolata. He sent me a long, kind text.

He said that he's glad that I told him & he urged me to keep talking to him & having our sessions, when I'm ready.

Apart from that, I've heard nothing from anybody.

I am glad he has been in touch and kept the door open for you to talk to him when you are ready.

I wouldn't expect that the social worker or family solutions will respond quickly, they haven't had any urgency so far when communicating with you when you have been asking for help. Do you email the social worker directly or is it a wider social services team email that would get picked up by other people if the social worker wasn't in the office?

What has their Dad said about having them?

Hi Choconuttolata It's so hard to keep going

I email her directly, but there's nothing to say really. It was just 'Following what happened today (yesterday) I've asked their dad to have them full time going forwards & he will do this as soon as he is able'.

Their dad has been trying to argue with me today by text, he is now saying that we need to discuss weather he has them or not...

I'm not discussing anything with him after what he did yesterday.

People forget that he was (& still is) extremely abusive towards me

What did he do Struggles?

I have picked up from what you have said that he was/is abusive to you, unsupportive and undermining.

Choconuttolata I will PM you. He just has this unbelievable knack of getting everybody to see the worst in me & think that he walks on water.

I'm so tired. I was still awake at 3 last night, flitting between sobbing my heart out & just kind of laying completely still & willing myself to stop breathing.

And then I had those dreams where I wake up in a panic.

My son seems ok today though. He had a good day.

Please if you are at breaking point present yourself at A&E. you’ve been through so much with so little support.

Thank you Hearti. I know. I'm struggling to tell anybody. I can't be judged anymore.

On here, has been my lifeline tbh.

Thursday & Friday were horrendously difficult.

Today has been good with my children.

thank goodness yesterday was a little better. I wish I had some gems of knowledge that could assist with working through the referral and diagnosis system but I don’t. I really hope that things will move forward now.

Thank you Hearti. I don't have any choice but to keep struggling on. Once their dad takes them then he can fight to get the assessment done can't he. Will probably get it done by the next day.

We are ok but my son is absolutely full of anxiety today about SATS week starting tomorrow.

If he is already anxious about tomorrow and SATS week Struggles I would be doing very low demand parenting tonight and tomorrow. Even if he eats in his room and doesn't wash tonight. Obviously if he is better keeping the routine you usually have then do that, but make it his choice. Try to keep questions or requests to a minimum. Poor thing will be so on edge, the stress put on year 6 at this time of year is absolutely ridiculous.

https://www.pdaparents.com/post/create-a-lower-demand-lifestyle

https://www.pdaparents.com/podcast/episode/479e15ef/lowering-demands-in-the-home-episode-4

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

Is Dad due to take them on soon? From memory i think he said yes, then started being an arse.

Hearti I don't know. After I told him to leave me alone 4 times on Friday (through text) I've not heard from him. I don't know what's going to happen. But we've got an event for my son on Wednesday (as well as the Sats, this was well thought out! & when I emailed to query why they were both on the same week, I was ignored) So we will have to communicate then, & the school meeting Thursday.

Thank you Choconuttolata. We've been out & done some of his favourite things, he's made himself a den & has been in there the whole time when we were at home, he just came out for tea & to watch TV (his choice) & instantly went back in his den after (the speed at which this happened surprised me for a second & then I realised that he's really trying to shut himself away & needs that right now)

So I've left him to it & kept his sister away. & I've got everything crossed...

Glad that so far you have had an ok day.

Also crossing fingers that tonight/tomorrow is as calm as possible for you all x

Thank you Choconuttolata. They are in bed. Front door is triple locked, I was so sure a meltdown was going to happen.

Small happy moments. Thank you for the support.x

Phew!

Meltdown started at 5.30. The extra front door locks are now broken (funny, but not funny, how I mentioned those last time)

Still going. I eventually managed to get him in his room, I can't close the door as it's broken, so I'm just having to let him hurt me but it's ok. He's currently taking a break from hurting me & wedged himself in so I ran for a wee & grabbed my phone.

His Sats went well today (I think. He said they did) but he's still upset about tomorrow's one, & because of this event on Wednesday, he has double Sats on Thursday (he found out today, so that's a lot of pressure)

Hello StrugglesSadness.
This all sounds difficult. And an all thread, I don't know if anything I write here will help you. Anyway, I'll try.

As so many have said, you're doing brilliantly - I hope you are coping still. I'm autistic and both my DDs are. Mumsnet should have a "disabled children" thread!

• about diagnostic. If you can, if anyone can help, go private. A diagnostic makes a lot of difference, and schools have to believe a professional, even independent, so they will put things in place (some people will grumble, but they are the same who don't believe/trust you anyway, you already know them).
• practical suggestions. What you're doing with food, peace and quiet... Absolutely. I find weighed blankets help - for sleep, for calming down.
• Are there oother autistic people, mums of autistics, that you have heard of? Any value in seeing them / their kids? Autistic people socialise quite well together. Oh and... Autism runs in families, so who else?
• violence. Do not tolerate it. Tell him it's not on, it will cause him only trouble, he needs to learn to not do it. Get all "supernanny" about that: no leeway, but no descent at his level, and he needs alternatives to express his unease / discomfort. There are two roots to this: a difficulty understanding his own feelings, and a difficulty finding culturally acceptable ways to express his needs. Cut both roots and nurture something else with ways to identify his feelings and express them and that more appropriate. Be certain of one thing: he doesn't like it, he will like alternatives when he finds them.

I hope this helps. "Good advice" from others is always so... Well yuk.
Take care.

Well done for getting him in his room. Sorry you are on the receiving end right now. He has held it in all day and now the cork has popped off the bottle due to the pressure.

Thank you bosqueverde. The violence, I've told him that it's not acceptable (a lot!) but he's not able to find anything else to channel his anger into instead at those moments.

I hurt my arm in his meltdown on Wednesday, on Sunday I took them with me to Boots to ask them about it, they gave me some cream, so I've got 2 big plasters on top of this sore patch on my arm, & he's been absolutely aiming for that spot today. Trying to punch, nip & kick it.

Thank you Choconuttolata. Apparently his teacher was walking round the room giving them praise during the exam, & he didn't like that. Also he wants me to pay for the school lunches as those are better than the free ones.

He's asleep. I hate this, I just want to make it better for him.

I am sorry it is all so difficult at the moment struggles. You’ve been stellar and your ex is frankly an arse to think he could do it better. Because if he could, he would have already. I assume he is scared shitless of having them with him. Everyone is confident from the sidelines.

what bugs me most about all of this, is that your son is lost in it all. How are they actually trying to improve his life? I am cross at your school, as their is a heck of a lot they can do (they can get an EP or speech therapist in to give advice in his needs). They should do this, the SEN Code of Practice shows them how to do this and how to work with parents also).

if it is any consolation, my dd like your son, doesn’t remember it as being as traumatic as as all do! If I compare my three autistic children, it is definitely because she was less in touch with her emotions - everything felt ‘angry’. We never had good times but we do now (even with her upcoming GCSEs).

hang in there….

Thank you for all of your help imip. Thank you for sharing your stories.

My son was so upset last night, after he wedged himself in, he got the door stuck, & I left it stuck... I feel so guilty. I kept telling him that I was right outside (& apart from running for my phone, I never left the spot by the door) but that I wouldn't be trying to open it from my side as then the violence towards myself will continue. So he eventually calmed whilst trapped in his room...

That's damaging him isn't it
& this (as well as what was said about my parenting last week) are what makes me think that they will be better with their dad.

We do have some good times, I got a video on Sunday of them just giggling at something silly on TV, proper children's giggles where they fell all over each other, & I can't watch it back without giggling myself, but also it's bitter sweet as I feel like how many more times am I going to get to have them happy, with me.

I don't even know the schedule for this week's Sats. Last time I had a call with his teacher beforehand, to ask what she can do, but apart from asking her on the playground (when she dismissed me) then I've just left it too.

So I'm failing him too.

This MARF referal was done by the school the other week & the Senco told me that it's for more support (more than none) but it won't change anything.

They wanted me to leave him to it in the home, so that's what I did to a point yesterday, & he broke the front door locks & got out (luckily I got him back but it involved me dragging him in through the front door as I was in sheer panic, he was going to run & only had a pair of shorts on, no top, no shoes)

So that's what happens when I leave him to it. As I already knew.

This is week 5 where we've not seen Family Solutions. I still don't understand it. What does it say on our file? 'Family at breaking point, no visits for 5 weeks' (Nobody asks why???)

I kept telling my son that we need to have these people in our lives to help us all feel a little bit less angry with each other, & whilst there was still violence & upset, then we still needed them.

Well I look like I liar don't I as we are having some of the most difficult weeks we've ever had & FS are nowhere to be seen.

Everybody has given up on him (& I know it seems like I have too but I havn't)

The counsellor asked if I'd do a session today, I said that I will try. He said that I don't have to speak but he'd like to reach out & for me to know that he's there as we are at crisis point & he's worried about us.

I did text their dad last night & told him that the front door locks are broken. He asked 'What's wrong with him?' I answered 'SATS' & he said 'I thought he was ok with those'.

Yeah. Clearly.