Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

No idea imip. Way back when my son had only had 2 sessions with him, I asked if we get a report at the end, that I can use for the NDD & he said no, but in his opinion my son has Autism. Since then he's changed it to 'I'm not supposed to do this for you but I will because you need it & I want to repair some of the damage that Barnardo's have already done'. So maybe normally, he just does an end of sessions internal report to Barnardo's or something.

I know that he's a private counsellor, who works freelance for Barnardo's, don't know if that changes things.

I sent an email explaining everything that happened this week with my son & what the Social worker had said, to the Barnardo's Safeguarding lead yesterday (Who I spoke to before) & I added that 'Last time we spoke, you said that I have Family Solutions now, well I've not seen them for 3 weeks & she said that we would 'Catch up later in the week' & I've heard nothing'.

I emailed SENDIASS as well, just saying that we'd had a terrible week & the Social worker isn't being helpful & I don't believe she is going to send the NDD form off, that we (me & SENDIASS) have emailed back & forth before, but I had a phonecall with them once & found that much easier, so could somebody call me when they have time.

I also emailed the 2 advocacy services that Choconuttolata linked, but apart from one to confirm my son's age, I've not heard back from anybody yet.

Great news!

4 hour meltdown tonight. Very difficult end to one of the most difficult weeks we've had in a long, long time.

My son is always more heightened on Sunday night when he knows he has to go back to school on Monday. That plus the pressure of the SATS building. NT kids struggle with stress and anxiety around SATS time so for your son it must be so hard for him to manage.

Hope you are as ok as you can be after that and can get some rest now before tomorrow.

Yes, it’s a Sunday night and my youngest had a huge meltdown and I had to lie in bed with her till she slept because she is scared of going to school today. I need to walk her there this morning and will stay in the office for about an hour until she is ok enough to go in.

Thank you Choconuttolata Yes that's it. I have to Email the Social worker now & she's also got Friday nights one to read. That makes me feel awful.

Thank you for sharing that imip & I'm sorry that's your day today. I read your post & thought 'I wish that he'd let me comfort him like that'. If you know what I mean, he's still my baby & I still want to make it all better & there's still this horrible thing hanging over us, school, SATS, a change or whatever, & there's never any way I can make things better. He just has to pass out on his bed, mid-meltdown, just accepting that everything is awful for him.

And then I lay there unable to sleep as I'm all bruised thinking 'Finally he's ok. But he's not ok, is he'.

I had a session with the counsellor today. Very difficult. He asked me things like 'How do you feel when the GP says they can't do anything?' & I said 'I don't care tbh, it's the same answer as everybody else'.

We talked through the SS phonecall & he said that it makes him feel sad to her that Family Solutions were on the call & heard my distress (& they could definitely hear how upset I was) & that they've not been in contact since.

He also said that it feels like the Social worker is Gatekeeping the NDD referal process (which has been said on here) & she shouldn't be because she isn't qualified to say weather it's Autism or not.

He said that he is going to speak to his manager, about what's happening with SS & find out if there is anything that they can do. I told him that I'd also emailed his manager (Barnardo's Safeguarding lead) on Friday & told her everything, & I'd not had a response yet.

I said 'I don't care if it's Autism or not, what I care about is having a fair shot at an assessment & then if it's not Autism then some actual help before either myself, my son or his sister are badly hurt. How can people know how much violence we are living with & how distressed my son is, & just be fine with it?'

He said that I'm absolutely right & when we started these sessions, we were being failed by the professionals around us, & we are still being failed by them now.

During our session, the Senco phoned to tell me that my daughter is telling everybody at school about her brother having the knife on Friday & that he tried to hurt myself & her.

This morning, my son woke & went straight into another meltdown. Refusing to get up, get dressed, eat, go to school. Barricaded himself in his room & kicked the wall so much the the house was shaking. He Smacked me across the head, but apart from that he wasn't too violent. He charged out of the house about 20 minutes before we had to leave, & he was at school when we got there.

sorry to hear it’s been an awful week. Good to hear you’ve talked to Bernardo’s and counseller about SS and FS gatekeeping the autism assessment. Hopefully they will be able to challenge and push things forward.

Hearti I didn't hear from anybody else today. Disappointed with Barnardo's but I can't force them to speak to me.

Obviously a family in crisis with multiple Safeguarding referrals by the school & the counsellor, a re-referal from the GP, & the mum actually asking for help, aren't a priority.

2 long phonecalls with the counsellor today, he's read out everything that he's written to his manager, with regards to myself needing more sessions with him & face to face counselling myself.

He's said that my son needs to been seen by either CAMHS or NDD urgently. I queried the 'or', as I thought it was going to be CAMHS & then they discharge us with nothing & we have to start all over again.
But he said that it will be either or but they will refer to the right one because they will 'see' it with my son, we just need to be able to get in with one of these 2 as we are currently 'stuck' so they aren't able to see it.

I hope that he's right.

I hope that things are finally moving forwards.

It's not been easy hearing what he had to say, & I told him that I prefer texts as I struggle to say what I want to say during phonecalls, this is in part due to how my ex is with me, & if I don't have an answer to whatever he was badgering me for, in 2 seconds, then he would be calling me stupid, thick etc, & that makes me tend to say 'It doesn't matter, just leave it'.

The counsellor said that he's picked up on that & I never need to rush to try & explain myself with him. He said that I come across perfectly well when I'm not feeling pressured, & he said that phonecalls are better for him as texts can be misunderstood.

he's written that mine & SS & FS relationships are fractured & as a result, they aren't giving us as a family, the support that we need. He's said that SS aren't able to 'see' the struggles with my son, in part due to the fact that they've had very minimal contact with any of us as a family, not through any fault of mine, & that they shouldn't be able to stop the NDD referral going through because of this.

I pointed out to him that even though we had a previous difficult support worker, & struggled with Stronger families, my relationship with both of them remains good & I actually emailed Stronger families the other day to ask a question, & we had a mini catch-up (I just felt like this needed to be explained, so it's not thought that all of our Professional relationships have soured, & therefore it must be me at fault)

As for today, my son ran off to school again. He's literally on a cliff edge & any little thing I say to him, tips him over. I told the counsellor that I feel like I've failed my son today. He was happy before I tried to talk to him.

Well that sounds like at least the counsellor is fighting in your corner from his side as much as he can.

I am glad he has also said that he wants to complete some further sessions with you, it sounds like he is quite intuitive and able to take the time to support you in unpacking your feelings and coping mechanisms.

It sounds like your son is so overwhelmed in the morning by anxiety about the school day that any communication is seen as a demand which tips him over the edge. What was it that you tried to talk to him about before he ran off?

I'll answer properly later, Choconuttolata. Thank you.
Meltdown is still ongoing, started at 6.

Hope you are ok Struggles, don't feel you have to answer me, just try to get some rest once he eventually settles x

Thank you Choconuttolata. I think that's (finally) it. I'm just sat here not daring to move, in case he's not done yet.

Everything is broken, his whole room is just a disaster.

All I can hope for is that he & his sister get some kind of a peaceful sleep, just for a few hours, if that's even possible after all this.

Choconuttolata I think that I need to actually ask the counsellor, 'Can you call today?' Instead of hoping that he'd know from my messages.

Yes, he seems to be 'Fighting our corner' & that's a new experience for me.

He was thinking that the only place we can go here, in terms of support, is up, & I'm thinking 'I don't know, I'm sure there are still ways for some professionals to mess everything up/ignore us/tell me that everything's fine' yet.

When I wrote my message on here yesterday though, I realised that we've not got less contact with SS because of how things are now, have we, we've always had barely any contact. As evidenced on this thread.

I sent her a long email last night. & usually I'd post something like 'I won't hear from her' but today I'm thinking that I won't, or I will & she will be unkind.

The day before, all was happy & then I tried to talk to my son about us finishing this diamond picture that we'd been doing on the weekend, but he shouted that he didn't want to talk about anything, of course I tried to tell him that we wouldn't talk then, but he was already 'Up there' by then.

Last night, I don't even know. I don't know how to fix anything that is broken (with us, & in his room) there were loads of horrible things that happened. New levels of violence & other things.

I kept my bedroom & the hallway lights on last night, & went to bed in my snuggly cardigan. I got a couple of half hour sleeps then woke up in a panic. I was seeing stuff that wasn't there. I've got bruises like usual but in random places as well as the usual, but none of that matters.

I just want to help him & I don't think that living with me is helping is it.

He's had to have a shower today & he's not happy about that. He's never happy with me, I don't know how to help him.

All other emails that I sent on Friday, havn't been answered.

The counsellor explained that the ones he speaks to about extending the sessions aren't the same one who I'm hoping will email me, so I'm still hoping for that one.

The Senco always says to me 'Deep Breath, one foot in front of the other'. That's on my mind as every step is hurting me.

Send us strength for today.

Oh Struggles 🙁. Sending you much strength 💪🤗

Yes definitely ask that the counsellor calls you.

You are doing the best you can as his parent navigating a very difficult situation with little support.

I don't think that living with you is the issue, he is struggling majorly with managing his stress and anxiety around demands at school and you are the only person he feels safe to express and show the depth of that distress to.

If he wasn't living with you and was with someone else he would be even more stressed and anxious. Just think about how going to his Dad's impacts him. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't consider it as an option, but what would that look like? He stays with his Dad more? Would his Dad accommodate that? Would a temporary foster placement help him? Probably not, they would then see his behaviour but it would possibly impact the trust that he has in your relationship.

What I have seen social care do before is provide carers into the home for part of the day to support the family. After school sounds like it would be the best time. I don't know why they haven't considered this yet.

If you haven't tidied his room yet can you take pictures before you do to show everyone.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I have taken pictures. I've had a go at sorting some of his room but I don't know where to start really. His dad is coming to fix some of it tonight but the problem with my son is once he's broken something once then it becomes his target for next time.

I had an extra session with the counsellor. I told him that I want the kids to go to their dads & never come back because it will be better for them than with me.

I cried & told him what else happened. I told him that I opened the curtains this morning & did my hair & put on my fake happy face for the kids, but since coming back from the school run, I've shut the curtains & this situation is just making me more isolated as I'm hiding from the neighbours as what must they think?

I had a panicky thought at the crossing earlier, that somebody was going to shove me from behind, into the road, & call me a child abuser, as those are the sorts of things my son has shouted.

He asked how it would feel to have more than a days respite from them & actually go somewhere? I said 'If I went somewhere else then I simply wouldn't come back. If I could get properly away from this hell & know that they would be happier too, as I believe they would, then why would I come back?'

I told him that I know that's the wrong answer & he said it's absolutely fine & thanked me for my honesty. He also thanked me for asking to speak to him today, so that's where I've been going wrong, I need to just ask.

When my son spoke to his dad on the phone last night, his dad said 'You know that you wouldn't get away with this at mine'.

So we spoke about that. Until the day I die, that is going to be my most hated phrase. If his dad (& anybody else who says it) can do such a better job than me, then they are welcome to do it.

Funny how when I'm on the phone to his dad saying 'When he's being this violent to me, what do I do?' The only thing that he has to say is 'I dunno, he needs to talk'. So his dad would just force him to talk, would he?

Counsellors manager has spoken to Family Solutions & got the CAMHS application in. He was a bit 'Are you not happy about that?' I said 'I am, I just wondered why your manager, Family solutions or SS havn't actually spoken to me & told me that? It isn't your job to be the go-between'. He said that I'm absolutely right & he doesn't know why they aren't talking to me but he can only apologize on their behalf & make sure that he tells me everything that he knows, as soon as he knows it.

The Senco has phoned & said that my son is going to try a special diary that is only for the teachers to read, & see if he can get some of his thoughts out like that.

I'm filled with panic at the thought of doing the school run

Good news about the CAMHS referral, not great that they haven't told you, but some movement is better than nothing happening at all.

I am glad you were honest with the counsellor. I have been so stressed before that I have not wanted to be 'here' and fantasised about just running away from it all. Sometimes I have had to take to take deep breaths and remind myself that my kids need me and I love them and would not want to hurt them in that way. I know they would not be better off without me. Neither would your kids, you are the consistent loving presence in their life, they don't get that from anyone else but you.

Have you spoken to his Dad and asked that he takes your son for an extended stay. Your daughter could stay with you so she also has some respite.

Choconuttolata Thank you for sharing that, I'm sorry you've experienced these thoughts too.

I don't have the... 'But they won't be better off' part, I think that they will. Everybody will. All I do is bring misery.

I hate it that they decide this stuff between them, behind my back in a way, & can't even send me a 2 line email 'We are sorry about how things have been. The CAMHS referral has been done'.

They talk about how isolated I am then can't even send me an email.

I did hear from SENDIASS today, not sure if I will feel brave enough to say what they told me to say, at the next school meeting, but it was still nice to hear from them.

They also said to tell the Social worker that I need a deadline for the NDD form being sent. I'm not brave enough to say that either!

Meltdown has started, he doesn't want to go to his dad's & he's upset about his homework.

How are you doing today Struggles?

I agree the communication is lacking, it doesn't help at all.

What did SENDIASS say and could you put it in writing if in an email so it is easier to communicate and you have a record that it has been said?

Did he manage to go to his Dad's last night?

Hi Choconuttolata. Thank you for asking. Everything is a load of crap.

My son & daughter are at school & ok. I'm not.

I can't do this.

How much trouble will I get in if I don't attend the next CIN meeting? As long as one parent goes, is that ok?

CIN meetings are voluntary, but obviously social care may be annoyed. Tbh, you have tolerated them well since they have been pretty ineffective!

and yes to what choco said about putting things in writing. Actually, I think you should type an email to school asking if they agree he needs an assessment and if so, will they refer. If they will not refer, can they please state the reasons why. Might seem strange but I think you need all this in writing, at the very least for your sanity so that no one can gaslight you with the usual bullshit! I document everything in email now so I can provide that I have always acted in the best interests of my child (we were going to head down the child protection route if CAMHS were not going to support my child). I document everything now because initially I was blamed for my child’s difficulties.

I am sorry things are tough now. You can only move forward - just keep going through the hard times. I know it is shit and I was lucky to have dh in my court (we have more kids with other diagnosis - feels very thinly spread at times). I always think it helps to find others with the same lived experience. That kept me sane at times - I think it may help you also.

Thank you imip

Today was the tipping point & I can't do this anymore.

I've asked their dad to have them & I've told SS & Family Solutions.

They are with me until their dad can sort something. & then I will have nothing.

Struggles I am worried about you. I am hearing that you need respite. If this is not something that their Dad can provide then social services can offer temporary respite. Nothing needs to be permanent just a solution until you feel stronger. Would you like to talk about what has happened today?

Do you feel up to asking the counsellor to call you again tomorrow? Just to talk about it all.

Or if you need to speak to someone tonight there is Samaritans or Saneline.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

https://www.sane.org.uk/how-we-help/emotional-support/saneline-services

If you don't feel able to talk on a phone you can text Shout

https://giveusashout.org/