Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

https://yvonnenewbold.com/resources-on-send-vcb/violent-challenging-behaviour-the-basics/

If you go to the bottom there are links including one to a closed FB group for parents. It might be good for you to connect with other parents who do understand.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/421839288150939/

Hearti I've already told her this, I told her at the last school meeting & also again on our last video call (because she asked again what he had said) & also she has his letter to be sent with the NDD referral & it's clearly stated on there, & his reasons.

I think that she just thinks that she knows better.

She never wanted him to have this counselling in the first place (She just wanted us to do nothing, instead)

Thank you Choconuttolata.

Also I just thought of another possible avenue of support/advocacy from a professional. I don't know whether you have had any contact with the school nursing team at all for your area. It is worth contacting them, they have SEND school nurses and work with continence so you could call them for advice around your son's recent continence issues in school, but then talk about the other things going on. School nurses like health visitors can refer for ASD assessment. Also did you include the continence issues on your NDD parent form?

https://www.suffolk.gov.uk/children-families-and-learning/childrens-health/school-nursing-service/what-is-the-school-nursing-service-and-how-to-get-in-touch/contacting-the-school-nursing-service

Also if Barbados won't engage there is a charity that does assessment under 11 years (GP could refer too). It is out of area and would require travel, but might be an option if you can raise the funds and get a referral.

https://www.caudwellchildren.com/changing-lives/how-we-can-help/autism-services/autism-assessments/charity-funded-autism-assessment/#:~:text=Caudwell%20Children%20understands%20how%20difficult,up%20to%20two%20workshop%20credits.

Thank you for that Choconuttolata, yes I included the continence problems. We were under school nursing for continence & behaviour but they referred us on to the CAFF team & Enuresis team so I'm not sure if it would be seen as going 'backwards'?

I was thinking about the 'Under 11' thing tonight, as it flagged up on the school admissions thing, if the Social worker doesn't hurry up & send those forms then my son will be 11.

They have to be sent through the 'Care Coordination service' I think it was, now.

I really want somebody to speak to the Social worker on my behalf, & ask her if she has any intention of sending those forms off, because I just don't believe that she does now.

I read through the counsellors letter earlier, it says 'He needs to be assessed for Neurodiversity', but how much weight will that hold?

All in bed tonight without incident, so that's one good thing.

Apparently it all changed on the 1st March.

https://www.suffolklocaloffer.org.uk/news-and-developments/latest-news/changes-to-the-neurodevelopmental-disorders-referral-pathway-for-children-and-young-people-in-east-and-west-suffolk#:~:text=Referrals%20for%20ASD%20will%20then,18%2Dyears%20%2Dold).

GP can refer via system1 computer system at age 11.

It goes to a different team.

How frustrating. It might be time to go over your SWs head and write to your local SS lead/manager outlining your concern about the delay in light of the level of day to day violence/threat you and your DD are facing and counsellors observation of autism.

Yes Choconuttolata that's what I've read, so it's not under Barnardo's anymore.

I've been awake for hours, I'm so upset about everything, I keep re-reading the Social workers emails which doesn't help. They don't say much, most of it was said on the phone, but she says 'The police have only made reference to Autism following you misinforming them that he has been formerly diagnosed'.

And 'On most of the police reports it states that you have told them that he is diagnosed with Autism and ADHD'.

I just don't have a leg to stand on here, do I? She is absolutely, utterly, NOT on my side with this.

I've emailed SENDIASS, Barnardo's & School nursing.

HeartiI don't know weather I should. If all of this NDD stuff is just in my head/being made up by me then the violence is just down to my crappy parenting.

I emailed the counsellor yesterday morning & told him that I'd spoken to the SW the day before & she had upset me, but I've not heard from him. He's always the one who's in contact when the others are ignoring me (& he knows that he is the only person to answer me) so his silence has thrown me a bit.

I feel so lost.

I would probably personally contact PALs in your area to put in a formal complaint about lack of assessment or a social care complaint. Your LA website will have a policy explaining the process, and perhaps banardos will have one. Is the counselling Banardos? Is it for you or your son? I am pretty sure if it is for your son they should be able to refer to CAMHS. But I would find the method of complaint and follow that process.

https://www.suffolklocaloffer.org.uk/health-and-wellbeing/autism-adhd-and-neurodevelopment/east-west-suffolk/making-a-referral-and-the-process this is the process for referral in your area. If your SW can do it, they are letting you down and you should follow the complaints process.

I am not sure why your SENCO isn’t doing it. I think they are really shit tbh. There may be some kind of ‘Gate Keeping ‘ tbh. This happened to me also.

imip Do you think that she is right though, that if the police say that I've said it's Autism then the assessment will never get done either way? (I won't get upset by your answer, I'm just wondering!)

It's pretty upsetting to think that the police are using me being upset & distressed myself during those times when my son has been trying to harm us/or is missing, so I'm nodding or saying 'Yeah' to the Autism question or whatever after being fired 100's of questions, as me saying 'He has an Autism and ADHD diagnosis'.

But if that's the way it is then fine, it might be nice if the Social worker could be on my side with it though. Apart from asking the the assessment has been sent off (whenever I do actually manage to get hold of her, I admit) then I've barely mentioned Autism to her.

My son is 'On the verge of' today.

Yes counselling is through Barnardo's (as that was the agreement, counselling before they'd consider assessment, but now we can't get the assessment considered because of SW)

My son has finished his sessions with the counsellor, they are for us to use as a family, so I'm using the remaining sessions myself. Counsellor said that sometimes, in these cases, he never even talks to the child at all.

The Police will just not be listening correctly and putting down ASD even if you say possible ASD/awaiting assessment as this means he gets flagged as more vulnerable by their officers/999 if you call.

What the Police have said you have said does not impact whether or not your child is entitled to an assessment.

https://www.specialneedsjungle.com/restricting-autism-diagnosis-bristol-parents-launch-legal-action/

Read the National Framework section on the link. The social worker is discriminating against your child and bullying you. They are not qualified to assess your child and the lack of education about SEND/ASD and how it can present at home is causing a bias in how they view the situation. The SENCO is also not representing fully the issues your son is facing with transition into school and soiling, both of which are relevant to an NDD assessment.

I can see you are overwhelmed and in freeze/fawn due to the trauma. You need to get angry and find your mama bear mode. These people are actively blocking access to help for your son and family and it is exacerbating the trauma you all experience. The only one who has been and can continue to fight for your kids is you.

You have been doing a great job so far and I know you are bone tired.

You could get an advocacy service to help you to reduce the burden on you like this one:

https://www.pohwer.net/suffolk-advocacy-service

I can't Choconuttolata I don't know what to do or how to do it

I just had my landlord phone me as I'd forgotten to pay the rent.

Would you like me to phone some advocacy places for you to find out what they can offer and if I find somewhere that can help you let you know?

I know everything is just too much right now xx

Thank you so much Choconuttolata, that's really kind of you. You are very lovely!

I've layed on my bed & cried for most of the morning. Somehow convinced myself not to do anything stupid.

I've sent some emails, I know some of them have phone numbers, I just can't face speaking to anybody right now.

School nurses said that they can't do anything more unless there's a new or emerging health need. They asked what the counsellor has said & if he noted any Neurodiversity difficulties.

Sorry I didn't answer the question! I don't need you to call, but thank you.

No, if they police put him down as autistic it won’t make any difference to whether or. It he gets an assessment. The Met have something called the Merlin database and kids who have risky behaviour are flagged on it so police are aware of their vulnerability. Not sure if anything like that is in your area but dd was on it when she was running away.

So you can see here that either the social worker, SENCO or counsellor could refer you for an assessment but they are not. If school were unsure, they could as an EP or SALT to come in to give some idea od what they think. They haven’t done this. In my area, you do have parent drop ins with OT and SALT and you may be able to do this as get in front of the appropriate professional. I couldn’t really see anything like this in your area, but you might find something g if you hunt around more on your local offer. I can’t even recall if you went to the GP, though they don’t like referrals from GPs in my area. Not sure why, they will know more than a teacher!

https://www.suffolklocaloffer.org.uk/health-and-wellbeing/autism-adhd-and-neurodevelopment

Suffolk based parent support from other parents, they have knowledge of ND.

https://www.parentsandcarerstogether.co.uk/about

If you are in East or West Suffolk,

https://www.gobeans.co.uk/our-offerings/

Sibling and parent support and drop ins.

Thank you for that imip. The old support worker said about getting a 'Marker' put on the house, when she was handing over to the Social worker. But the social worker hasn't done it.

I spoke to the GP, she said they can't help with the NDD as 'They never listen to us' & all she can do is refer us back round to Emotional well-being.

Thank you Choconuttolata.

My son had a meltdown starting as we left school. Very violent. He's so unhappy, kept asking why he's alive. He's worried about the upcoming SATS, I tried to talk to his teacher about those the other day but she was very... 'He knows when they are & he's fine about it' & then just stood there looking at me when I said 'But he won't be fine about it...'

Your school is filling me with rage!

Though to be fair your SW should not be stepping up!

Should, not should not!

imip I don't know what's going on with them, when they had the Mock Sats, his teacher was all 'Anything that I can do, just let me know', but this time with the actual SATS (So more pressure) she's just 'He's fine'.

The Social worker went to see them in school yesterday. First time since early December.

Please make a complaint OP or at least write to social workers manager stating that the counsellor suspects autism yet social worker will not refer on despite not having the training to make a judgement about wether he is nd or nt.

It's been 5 weeks since she said that she would be the lead professional. I wonder how long it should take (on average) to get her side done & send it all off?

She didn't actually say that she won't send it off, the other day, just that it will be refused because I'm 'One of those mums'

Social worker & Family Solutions seem to be working together to just not get it done.

I suspect the counsellor could refer and he is being disingenuous. No one wants to get it wrong and they’re maybe done internal pressure on referrals.

https://suffolksendiass.co.uk/education/raising-concerns/

healthwatch can be helpful - perhaps give them a call?

https://healthwatchsuffolk.co.uk/signposting/complaints/

the complaints process

https://www.suffolk.gov.uk/about/compliments-and-complaints