Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Congratulations on getting the high school of choice, that’s such good news!

Thank you Hearti. I wasn't going to tell him when we find out, as I knew that he'd just obsess over it, but they told him at school. I went to wake them up on Friday & he burst into tears & said 'I'm not going & you can't make me, I need to know what school I've got in to, otherwise I can't do anything today, I'm too scared'.

So I sat with him & showed him the screenshot, of the school that had come through at midnight.

Our weekend has actually been ok! I can barely believe that I'm typing those words!

There's been a few 'Nearly' moments, with homework, him saying that he's scared, a change of plans earlier today, & once when he made me laugh & then got upset that I was laughing 'At' him, but on the whole it's been good!

Glad he got into the school you both wanted Struggles, that is good news.

He is getting better at communicating with you before he gets very distressed which is great. Good to hear that you had a better weekend x

Thank you Choconuttolata for all of your support. How are you feeling now?

Yes, it's weird, it's like all of a sudden he's talking. This morning he came to me & said 'I'm feeling anxious' & I was a bit lost for words for a minute, as he just doesn't use words like that (I mean, part if me wonders if he really understands it or if he's just repeating what others have said to him)

But they went to school happy so I'm not complaining.

I had a good session with the counsellor today, he knows exactly how I'm feeling about everything, without me having to tell him. The only part that he'd got wrong is when I email him & say 'So this happened & it's all my fault of course', he thought that I was saying that sarcastically but I'm not, I'm saying it like I agree with it.

Much better thanks.

I saw this on Twitter/X the other day and thought of you, you are not alone.

https://twitter.com/HollytheOT/status/1764023227594998240

Ahh thank you Choconuttolata That's really kind of you. The counsellor said earlier 'You feel abandoned by everybody'. Pretty much, yep.

I had a really disappointing conversation with the GP. She said that she won't add anything to the NDD referal because 'They never listen to us' & she can't refer my son to counselling or a psychologist, all she can do is refer us back to Barnardo's/Wellbeing hub.

I told her that SS are going to close the CIN plan & then the only people to ask for help are the GP, right? & she said 'Well I'm not sure because there's very little that we can do, my dear'.

She asked what SS are going to write on their part of the NDD form & if it's been sent off, I said 'I imagine that she will say that she 'Doesn't see it' & I don't know if it's been sent off, it was supposed to be sent if last week but my email enquiring about it today, has been ignored.

My son has been very unhappy tonight but I think (think, fingers crossed) that we are avoiding a meltdown. He said that he's feeling very upset about the rest of the week at school & all of the work is too hard. I told him that I will come with him to have a word with the teacher & that it's ok to struggle a little with something (& used the example of myself struggling to use our tablet) but he said that he doesn't want me to talk to anybody & that even if people don't say anything mean to him, about him not being able to do his work, then they will be thinking it.

Horrendous evening last night. My son was trying to smother me with his plastic bedwetting sheet, trying to strangle me & himself, punched me repeatedly on the back & shoulders, kicked me repeatedly in the stomach, flung basically the entire contents of his bedroom, apart from the beds, out of the gap in his bedroom window, got his legs out of my bedroom window (no lock on there) & I had to literally grab him by his arm & drag him back.

Then he got out. It was hours, police had the helicopter & dogs looking for him, & eventually bought him home. They've trashed my home, looking for him, I couldn't even find the school uniforms this morning as they've been chucked in with all of my clean washing (my fault, 3 loads washed but not put away, on my bedroom floor, before it all kicked off)

I'm so tired. It was half past midnight before I got in to bed & then I was jolted awake at 1, thinking that my son was still out & I had to look for him, struggled to get back to sleep after that.

I lost my phone, my handbag, my keys, all just whilst trying to get ready this morning.

I've heard from the counsellor (nothing from SS of course) & the Senco just called me, she said that she is doing another MARF referal as 'Social services never answer my emails & it's just not good enough that there's no contact'.

She wanted my permission for the MARF, I said 'Do what you like, it won't change anything'.

She said that my son & daughter are both fine at school. Fine. Everybody is fine, apart from, we aren't though are we. We are living in a real life nightmare & we can't wake up

What the hell is going on. How is this our life. My poor son.

So today is going well.

Huge arguement on the phone with the Social worker, ending with me hanging up as I cried my eyes out.

She tells me that I 'Sound like one of those mums who is pushing an Autism diagnosis on their child, even though they show no signs'.

And 'The Assessment being sent in for the Third time says this to people'.

Not that it matters but I didn't realise this counted as the 'third' time, I thought that I did it once, & then they just asked for more info, & now I'm doing it a Second time.

& she said that 'You are only upset today because you are exhausted from last night'.

I said 'No, it's not just last night. It's every night & every day. It's either weapons or violence or running or the mental gymnastics of keeping everything running just-so, with barely any support from anybody, despite me begging for it, plus juggling a 7 year old who's copying the behaviour. It's constant'.

She said that I told the police that he has Autism, I said I don't say that, I say that he's waiting for/hoping for an Autism assessment. She says 'That's not what the police say'.

And the reason why this needs to be done right now? I expect because she's got referrals coming out of her ears telling her to actually help us, after last night, so she's taking it out on me.

I think you need to make a complaint about your social worker, but might need support to do that.

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/

You could try this organisation as they may know people that can help with this.

After everything that happened last night for her to say that to you is just beyond the pale. She is a piece of work.

Sending you lots of hugs. When are you speaking to the counsellor again?

Thank you Choconuttolata but I think that I'll just leave it. She said 'Obviously I can't close the CIN plan now', so I'm still stuck with her for a while.

Family solutions were supposed to come (previously arranged) but she said that 'Considering everything, she will come another day'. I said that I'd rather get it over with today, but she said that it's for the best to do another day. I said 'Fine, I obviously don't get a say so just let me know when'.

The Senco phoned me 3 times, she said that she was concerned about me (I told her what happened with the Social worker on call 2)

The counsellor said that he'd call this afternoon & I said, like I always do, 'Only call if you have time', & he hasn't called so that's fair enough.

I really, really wanted to speak to him today though

I phoned my mum after the Social worker phonecall & could barely get my words out, I was so upset.

But life goes on. & on. Me being upset doesn't help anything.

My son came out of school in a bad mood, cried & shut himself in his room because he didn't want to go to his dad's, screamed at me how much he hates me & wishes that I would hurry up & die, because I asked him to get changed.

My daughter seems ok.

bloody awful social worker. Easier to point the finger and blame mum rather then implement real support to ensure needs are met

Hearti That's the most she's ever spoken to me!

I only asked if she'd sent the NDD referal off (as she said she would last week) she said she hadn't had time, I said 'Ok that's fine' & asked her if the police report from last night can be added then?

Then she was ranting at me on the phone saying 'You asked about the referal well I told you honestly that I've been busy...' All I had said was 'Ok that's fine'.

Then she said that because I've apparently been telling the police, every time I speak to them, that my son 'Has Autism and ADHD and that's why we experience these behaviours' (I don't even talk like that, & never mention ADHD) then I look like one of those mum & am obsessing over this assessment.

I've only been trying to get it done since September 2022, I'm sure I could have been a lot more obsessive than this

I'm so tired but I need to fix my daughter's book day costume (that her brother ripped last night) I'm useless at sewing so it takes me 3 times as long as other people, & I was trying to do it today but, obviously, everything got left as I was in no fit state.

I tried to hide my face from the school mums today, like usual, but some of them had the police knock last night, looking for my son, so they wanted the gossip.

All that's going round in my head is staring outside into the darkness, looking for him, like I was last night. It's as if I'm doing it now, it's that vivid. I felt/feel utterly alone.

It’s heartbreaking you’re so alone. Are there any supportive mums among the school families?

It’s actually very important that the police know he has autistic traits and hopefully due an assessment because it will effect how they intervene. Even this leaflet aknowledges that people may have autism without a diagnosis.

https://s3.chorus-mk.thirdlight.com/file/1573224908/63296026948/width=-1/height=-1/format=-1/fit=scale/t=446220/e=never/k=420e7a4a/NAS_Police_Guide_2020_17092020.pdf

of course the police need this information, he will likely be far more vulnerable then the average child his age due to his autism.

Hearti The call handler yesterday said 'He sounds so young for 10' when I was telling her what he was wearing, & the counselor had put in his report that he presents as extremely young for his age. I don't know if that's an Autism/trauma thing or he's just 'Young'.

I did say to the Social worker, near the end of the call 'Family First told me to mention the possible Autism/waiting for assessment because it makes him more vulnerable, so if that's wrong, & I shouldn't tell the police that, then you should talk to them'

& she said 'No, you should tell them, just not that he is already diagnosed with Autism & ADHD'.

I said the whole conversation was stupid because it was about his assessment, & why the hell would I ask for an assessment for Autism if he already had a diagnosis of Autism & ADHD?

I told her that she's making sure that next time he has a knife or leaves, I won't call the police as I don't want my every word, when I'm heightened & upset myself, scrutinised 6 months later.

I remember once, when there were 4 male policemen in the home with me & my daughter, & they'd been really unkind to me, just very judgemental, 2 of them hadn't uttered a word to me in an hour, & I'd basically shut down & was just cuddling my daughter in the corner, & one of them said to me 'We see this a lot, kids with ADHD who get heightened & can't calm down' & I thought 'What, now you want to be kind, after all being awful to me all night?' & I just nodded. But that's hardly me saying 'He has Autism & ADHD & that's why we experience these behaviours', is it. A nod. That's all I can think of.

The others mums are kind but they don't 'Get it'. They also say things like 'If he was my kid I'd have kept him home today to sleep'. Not realising that it doesn't work like that for my son.

Apparently a random neighbour, who I've never spoken to, or know what he looks like, was out searching for him. I'm touched by that. Feel like I should put a 'Thank you' note in my window or something!

That’s very kind of your neighbour. And important to call the police when needed, safeguarding first. The police are a mixed bag but if anything it’s will help the specialists build a rounded picture of his behaviours and needs.

Hearti But she said that if I've said that he has Autism, then they won't even consider doing the assessment because they will say that I'm pushing Autism with no proof.

Sorry to jump on this, I have so much going around in my head whenever I have seen that you have posted OP. It just sounds like an absolute sh*tshow in your local authority and they're making it so hard for you to get the help for your son that you all desperately need.

What I can't understand is why the social worker is so obsessed with this idea that you're pushing for a diagnosis of autism. It's like she is guarding the referral process, but that's not how it should work. He should have an assessment, from a multidisciplinary team, who could then make an informed, clinical decision as to whether he's autistic. When I assess children for autism in my part of an MDT and a parent says to me 'I think my child is autistic because of x,y and z' I take that in to consideration, I don't think that the parent is obsessed with pushing for an autism diagnosis to explain bad parenting or something. It feels as though your social worker has just got it all wrong. Are you able to ask for a different social worker?

Hi Stardust1985. Thank you. I don't know if I'm able to, I keep thinking that she (Social worker) must have supervision or a manager that checks things over though? & they must see that 'No face to face visits in a month' or 'One 7 minute visit in a month' & 'Outcome of video call, NDD referal?' Since October, & just think that it's absolutely fine, mustn't they?

It does though, feel like she's making it incredibly difficult & I'm not sure why. The only thing that I can think is she doesn't want to do the work, but I feel awful saying that.

I've been thinking tonight, 'Every time I speak to one of them now, are they going to keep trying to put me off the idea of asking for an Assessment? Because the last time I saw Family solutions, she told me that herself & her manager have decided that it will never go through, & now the Social worker has told me that it will never go through because I'm telling the police that he's Autistic (even though I'm not)

I said to her 'Everybody else who has spoken to me today has asked how me & the kids are, you havn't. You just want to criticise me over a comment that I didn't make, back in December'.

I am going to stick to my advice here that you also should call the CAMHS crisis team in these situations. I have been there with the police and DD and I generally I don’t see them as great dealing with autistic young people. At the moment, the wrong people are ‘holding’ you instead of CAMHS. In my area, parents can refer themselves to CAMHs. I know I have looked and this doesn’t seem to be an option in your area. School still won’t refer? GP won’t refer?

I was speaking to OT and SALT for work yesterday and they said they prefer school referrals. They really don’t understand how schools gatekeep these things and really don’t understand how neurodiversity works!

Hugs @StrugglesSadness. I don't know what area you are in but where I am we have an organisation called pinpoint. It's a parent led charity. It's a disability and support organisation. If you ever get time/headspace, it's worth looking for something similar in your area. They have been invaluable to me. I don't have quite the challenges you do but when my kids were being refused assessments etc, they were able to help advocate and advise. Plus they ran a session where parents could get together for a cuppa and get mutual support. Just knowing I wasn't alone was a lifesaver.

Thank you minisoksmakehardwork. I havn't looked recently actually. Last time I emailed one, you had to pay for any help.
I'm sure it sounds pathetic but anybody posting just makes me feel a little bit less alone, so I appreciate it.

imip It was on my mind to call the crisis line when he nearly got out of my bedroom window, but it was extremely chaotic & in the back of my mind is 'But last time I called them it just upset my son so much more & then they hung up when they couldn't hear, so it's likely just going to enrage the situation even more & that's the last thing that we need'.

He also managed to knock my phone out of my hand & fling it into the radiator, by hurling himself at me across the room in 0.1 second (when I was on the phone to his dad)

I kept thinking about the GP yesterday but if I try to call again it's going to be another 3 week wait for a call back, & she did say that the only thing she can do is refer to Emotional Well-being.

Yes, when I called CAMHS before (when things weren't heightened) they said that they can't speak to me if I'm under Barnardo's.

I called the police when he got out. We had a woman sit with us whilst they were searching & she was ok, not the warmest, but nicer than most of the men have been (Sorry, just going by my area, the male policemen don't seem kind at all)

I suppose since I'm still having the counselling then we are still under Barnardo's, but there was a message on the Right school acceptance saying that any referrals for the NDD that are being sent in, need to be sent to somebody else (So much for Family Solutions saying that the counsellors letter will hold a lot of weight because he works for Barnardo's, they've taken too long to send it in)

All the times I spoke to the SENCO yesterday she just said 'More needs to be done & it needs to be done by SS, that's the whole point of having them involved'.

Last time I spoke to the manager at Barnardo's she was very dismissive & said that we have Family solutions. After I cancelled the session with her when my daughter was ill, & she said that she really needs to see us, she's now cancelled the next 2.

It's on my mind... If not SS, or school, then who?

(Sorry this post is probably all over the place, just getting all of my thoughts out)

This all sounds so frustrating, I am in Suffolk too but thankfully I was able to get a diagnosis and then the support and understanding that follows without any social worker involvement. Trying to think if I know of any services you might not have come across. If you lookup PACT group on Facebook - they are very supportive. Have you ever contacted Sendiass at all? They might be able to advise you on how to best deal with the school.https://suffolksendiass.co.uk/?s=ses
Also are your school requesting any help from SES. This support doesn't need a diagnosis.https://suffolklearning.com/inclusion/specialist-education-services/

Thank you Mrshairyhead I'm glad you were able to get yours sorted. Nice to hear a success story nearby!

I originally applied with the Support worker from our Caff but it was refused. People kept telling me to get SS involved & then we will get some proper support, but we just aren't. I wish I'd never got them involved. I've felt like that for a long time, & yesterday just cemented that thought.

I did talk to Sendiass before, they weren't much help over email but I had a really good chat over the phone with them. I think the NDD referral is just in limbo right now though, I darent mention it to the Social worker again.

I doubt that school are, because they still 'Don't see it'. The Senco said to me yesterday 'It's very frustrating for us as a school because we still aren't seeing it, but we will do what we can to support you, & that's why I've done the MARF referal. SS should be more involved than they are, & they should be helping you'.

Today was all good for the kids. Super excited about book day.

Hard for me, very low today. Saw a police car with the flashing lights when I was walking earlier & I just froze.

I've not heard from anybody.

i hope your day has been ok. If the social worker talks about you pushing for an assessment could you state that the counsellor knows him well and judges that he is autistic. You trust his judgement.