Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Pretty sure if places have been made available then it would far simpler for you to book them in yourself than wait for the social worker to do it. Don't wait for your ex to do it either - I take it you go to school everyday with the kids anyway so be easier for you to do than wait for social worker or dad.

CHRISS003 I didn't mean that I'm waiting for anybody else to do it. I meant that if the Social worker or their dad wants it done then they can do it, because it's not my choice for Thursday mornings.

I'm doing everything here. Not sure why your posts seem to be implying that I need to do more.

There was a deadline set for this of October. So I suppose it's also my fault that their dad never sorted this out by October, because I'm supposed to do it for him.

Actually @StrugglesSadness I have a suggestion. There are lots of free course (not parenting) that I think may be helpful for you and if you would like to be a step ahead, may reflect well with those in the team around you. The courses are free and I know some people who have done them and think they are good.

here is an example. They are just a suggestion.
https://freecoursesinengland.co.uk/behaviour-that-challenges-in-children/

https://freecoursesinengland.co.uk/understanding-behaviour-that-challenges/

there is usually an autism one also, but I think the first two will land a little bit better with the team around you.

Thank you imip I will have a look.

Oh sorry I wasn't meaning you are not doing enough - actually the opposite - you are always saying how you find dealing with the social workers difficult - you have more direct involvement daily with the school so I was just thinking you could book it yourself rather than waiting for the social worker thats all and if Thursdays don't work for you then tell them you will book another day.

CHRIS003 He has them Wednesday for tea (Unless he's busy) because that day works best for him (but I have to do the school pick up on Wednesday & drop off on Thursday morning) & the Thursday mornings were quite difficult as he brings them back 5 minutes before we have to leave, so that's why it would be Thursday morning for breakfast club.

But as long as he brings them back a bit earlier then it's working better now.

I don't want them in breakfast club at all, but will do if it's decided that it's the best thing to do.

I'm going to go through the plan with them on the joint video call tomorrow, if I'm feeling able to, & ask, again, what I need to do so that we can think about ending it.

& if there's anything that their dad needs to do then they can tell him.

The way things are right now, is ideal for their dad, because he sits at the school meetings or tells Family Solutions over the phone, that he will do this, that & the other, & then nobody ever follows up with him.

It seems like these are just ways that the social services feel that they can give you some practical help with your son - I guess if you don't want the kids to go to breakfast club then just tell them that. I guess they were thinking of ways they could help in a practical way .

CHRIS003 Yes I did tell them, at the school meeting.

Maybe we need an updated plan or something. I don't know if they do that.

Well that meeting was over & done with in 5 minutes. Don't know why I got so stressed out about it. I mean, they came across like they couldn't care less like usual.

Social worker asked if I still want her to send her part of the NDD form off?!
I picked my jaw up off the floor & said 'Well. Yeah. You read my half, didn't you? I didn't just write all that for fun!'

Nodded to this.

Said that we can have the next scheduled school meeting & then close the plan.

Asked what's happening with the counselling, I said 'Well I've got a few more sessions left but my son's sessions are finished, I'm waiting for counsellors letter for the NDD referal but he gave me a 'Final remarks' letter which says that in his opinion my son has Autism & that he thinks that he needs further counselling'.

Answer to that was 'Is he gonna organise that then?' I said 'Well. I don't know. But I doubt it as it's not up to him is it? I think he meant that whoever is working with the family, like yourselves, would read his letter & sort things from there? I mean, he was scheduled for 8 sessions with my son, he did 17 & we didn't have a session last week but he phoned me twice, made another Safeguarding referal & was emailing me so I think he's done plenty?'

She just nodded at this.

Family Solutions worker sat there & said nothing.

She ended with 'Let us know if there's anything else that we can do for you as a family'.

So, besides from nothing, then?

Tonight's meltdown was 4 hours.

I don't even know what he was upset about, I'm just so tired.

They've changed the lunches at school (as they do often but this time it's a huge deal)

& the teacher that he doesn't like, he's only having her for half a day on a Monday now instead of a whole day, so that's a good thing? But I suppose not because it's still a change.

Separate thing but I can't work out the EHCP thing. They phoned me & said that it had been refused, & when I asked how to appeal she said to log in & it explains everything on there. I can't find anything on there, it still says that they are waiting for a decision to be made & that I've not been assigned a worker yet either.

Bloody hell! I wish I had the cash to organise a private autism assessment for you. Family solutions, school and SS are going through the motions of listening but not REALLY listening and clearly have no idea about autism presentation. Like hitting your head against a brick wall! At least the councillor is knowledgable and can advocate.

You need the decision letter to appeal and I know in some boroughs they have a portal to access this. Sendiass may help you. I am also a fan of SOS SEN.

Have you thought about speaking to your MP or local councillor? They can be pretty helpful.

imip I spoke to the MP a few months back & he was useless. I will try asking Sendiass. Thank you. I think she said that I can find everything when I log in but there's just nothing on there.

Hearti I feel like they are all going to mess this up for me by saying that he's 'fine'.

The counsellor said that I'd hear from somebody due to the Safeguarding referal but I havn't. Nobody cares.

I keep thinking back to when she asked me if I still want her to send the form in, of everything that I was expecting her to say, I wasn't expecting her to say that. I'm imagining that she's just written 'Apparently everything that his mum has written, is true, but nobody has seen it. The end'.

And this is all going to end with still no assessment & his dad getting one visit from Family Solutions, none from the Social worker, & me being dragged through actual hell.

I had people come & put locks on the downstairs windows today (kitchen for the second time as he broke the first one) & they joked 'Kids still escaping?' Normally I'd laugh at that, but today I thought 'Yes, & that's all it will ever be'.

I have the counsellors letter. He is supportive of everything that I've said &, importantly, adds his own voice as to why he thinks that the Autism assessment needs to be done.

He says that my son is 'Obviously extremely disturbed'.

It's just very upsetting to read. I'm still sat here in my Coat, as I was so desperate to read this letter, & I now have tear blotches all down it.

Today is going to be/is already a hard day.

My son was ok but became heightened on the way to school & ran off from me crying.

A few things have happened today.

Family Solutions cancelled her meeting (which was fine by me as I don't want to see her)

I had a session with the counsellor, I cried for the first time. I said that I'm feeling so much anger at everybody. His dad for not stepping up & doing the bare minimum, but that somehow he manages to convince everybody that he is. And Family Solutions & Social worker for again doing the very, very bare minimum.

He said that I hold all the power with my son. I said that I hold no power at all. I can't even get my son in for an assessment & if the Social worker wants to, then she can just play everything down & mess it all up for me. She has all the power.

He said that when he speaks to Family Solutions, he doesn't get the impression that she thinks my son is fine, he thinks she's extremely worried about all of us.

I said 'She's so worried, that she ignores my emails with the photos of my bruises & they are making me practically beg for them to send this form off'.

He said that anything I tell him, about her, is confidential, but that he can absolutely see my side.

We spoke about some other stuff with my son & he said that it's rigid thinking & that's absolutely a sign of Autism. I said 'What does it matter though? Nobody else can see it'.

Then the Senco emailed me & told me that she's had a long chat with my son & he reassured her that he's feeling fine after last night. They've now got his 'Spares' bag in the office, so if he has another poo accident (like he did at school yesterday) then he can get changed without the other children knowing.

I hope that one isn't going to backfire on me, with him being angry about the Senco speaking to him. (This Spares bag being moved, should have happened a long time ago) but then again, in the last school meeting, the Social worker told me to wake him up numerous times in the night, for the toilet. And I again had to tell her that this isn't following the advice from the Enuresis team.

The toileting accidents had stopped, but we are gradually going backwards again. Hopefully just because my son is off his bed wetting tablets right now.

Finally, I layed down on the sofa with a blanket & cold cloth on my head, to try & ease up my pounding headache, & the handyman walked though the (hanging open as it was broken by my son) back gate, & started fixing it. With his extremely noisy drill.

I'm grateful for that of course, but wish that he'd of let me know at least.

do family solutions and SS cancel lots of meetings? It’s slow going, considering the level of violence you’re enduring.

hope you’re still relaxing on the sofa without drilling

Hearti No he was there for about an hour, left by climbing over the gate I assume (as it can't be locked from the outside once it's fixed) & he never knocked. Then I had to come to school.

Social worker has cancelled our video calls & made them phonecalls twice but as far as I can remember, she's only been to the house 4 times to see the kids (including once when we met & once when she introduced Family Solutions) & she hasn't cancelled those.

It's funny (or not funny!) That Family Solutions cancelled this one when she tried to force me to see her last week, & not cancel one, when I had a vomiting child.

My head is absolutely spinning. I've just got a really bad feeling (my own anxiety is sky high)

Yes it seems a lot if cancelling or wanting to come when it’s not possible.

Hope your ending is straight forward. Do you have any friends or extended family to lean on sometimes?

Thank you Hearti. The ending of the CIN plan should be simple (hopefully) the Social worker didn't want to go through the plan or anything, just said that the school meeting can be the end.

I have my mum but it's complicated there. I have very little RL support but it's ok, it's just how it is.

We went out after school for a walk & to the library. It's nice to not have people coming/online sessions after school all the time.

My son is a bit 'On & off'. He wasn't happy at all that he 'Had to' talk to the Senco. He came out if school in a really bad mood. I told him that I didn't ask her to speak to him but at the same time, I think it's a good thing that people are checking if he is ok.

On & off turned into a full meltdown. He's furious that then Senco came & talked to him, as I thought he would be. There's nothing that I can say.

I kept thinking about when the counsellor said that his violence towards me is 'Absolutely unacceptable'. As he slapped & kicked me.

Yesterday morning my son was in a good mood, so I tried to speak to him whilst things were calm about how violence isn't the way to solve our hurt feelings etc, I love him & I'd like us to be able to be cross with each other without being hurt. I currently have a huge bruise under my eye & he did say 'Sorry', but unfortunately he flew into another meltdown (& instantly went for my face)

The rest of the morning was spent with him barricading himself into his room & then charging out & smacking me, barricading himself back in etc. Ended with him storming out of the house in tears.

I spoke to the counsellor yesterday & he says that even though it upsets me son, I'm doing the right thing by telling him that the violence isn't ok. I just don't know how we are ever going to have upsets without violence, I just can't imagine that it's ever going to be a thing, a meltdown that doesn't include violence.

Last night they went to their dads, I tried to tell him dad briefly on his doorstep, what had happened the last few days but he rolled his eyes, sighed & said 'What's he been upset about now?' & because I hesitated for a second while I tried to remember what the actual 'Causes' of these meltdowns were, he said 'Oh it doesn't matter' & slammed the door.

They then had a lovely calm evening, early to bed as they are exhausted, & came back nice & early today.

The Senco just rang & said that my daughter has told them that my son hurt her the other night (I'd already told school everything) 'And then after that he hurt mum even worse'.

She said that she wasn't upset just very matter of fact about it.

So she's done another Safeguarding report.

I am glad that your daughter is telling the teachers what is going on. Her being matter of fact about it is concerning though, does she have access to counselling support as it must be impacting her emotionally?

Glad SENCO has done another safeguarding report to add to the one the counsellor did previously.

No words re: his Dad 🤬

Thank you Choconuttolata. There has been loads of Safeguarding reports done, they just don't seem to change anything.

My daughter is always like that, it's how my mum & the counsellor say that I am as well... 'So he spent three hours trying to kill me, nearly shoved me down the stairs & I have these bruises, & then we went to the park & to the shop'...

It's because it's just a way of life for us I suppose.

I always ask if my daughter is upset. She's holding everything in isn't she, I'm so worried about her. She has her Play therapy today at school. That's open-ended luckily.
They've also just put her in the group for 'Extra nurture sessions' at school, but that doesn't start just yet.

The GP is phoning next week so I'm going to ask about counselling then.

I've tried to say to his dad before, that he is the only person who 'Sees' it too so sometimes I just need to talk to him for a minute, but it doesn't matter. I've spent the week hiding my face (through shame & hiding my bruise) from neighbours/everybody at school.

It is a trauma response, different people react in different ways to trauma and being triggered.

My DH had a lot of childhood trauma, but also is autistic and sometimes displays fight, although did more as a child, but also flight and freeze.

I have had PTSD which is much better now and other past trauma and display more flight, freeze and fawn when triggered.

https://www.ptsduk.org/its-so-much-more-than-just-fight-or-flight/

That is great that your DD has play therapy at school and nurture group starting soon. My DD1 used to go to a nurture group for siblings of children with autism at her primary which she loved (the support worker leading it ended up identifying her autistic traits after working with her and referred her for diagnosis).

I think you need to find other adults in your area who understand and can provide a listening ear.

It would be good if there was a service near you that could tell you about local groups, NAS might be a starting point.

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches/nas-westsuffolk-branch

Thank you for sharing that Choconuttolata. I appreciate that. I'm glad that you have each other.

I think the group is being run by the 'Behavioural lead' who, for some reason, I've not had much contact with, but when I have, she's not been the warmest person, although recently she's been on the school gate a few times when my son's run from me & she's gone & looked for him & we've chatted a bit then & I'm warming to her, so hopefully it will be god for my daughter.

I used to go straight to the office & ask them about my son, but they make such a fuss about having somebody go, there's usually some comment about 'Isn't he in year 6?' (So 'Why can't he walk to school on his own'?) & make me feel like I'm such a nuisance for even asking, so I started asking this one on the gate & it's working well.

I'm not sure why my son isn't being offered the extra nurture sessions, He wasn't offered the play therapy either.

Last night wasn't too bad, he's come out of school every day having wee'd & poo'd this week so that's causing upsets.

He got in to our High school of choice