Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Your daughter is vomiting now Struggles? Did she also have a fever? How was she after the punch to the stomach? Does she have any visible bruising at all on her abdomen? Has she been complaining of tummy pain?

I don't say this to panic you and it may be totally unrelated and a usual tummy bug, but I would get her checked out medically today to rule out any possible trauma that might be causing the vomiting. His punches are that hard that they hurt you and bruise you, she could have an injury inside from the impact that you can't see. Hopefully it isn't that, but just make sure, phone 111 they may be able to book you a GP appointment. Take a urine sample in a clean pot to let them to test her urine for any signs of blood.

I imagine the social worker has had the safeguarding referral through from the counsellor and that is why she is still coming. Let her come and see how things are when you are also juggling looking after a sick younger child. Obviously if you have to get a medical assessment for DD she will have to come at a different time as that takes priority.

No she was being sick last night so we havn't slept. She hasn't been sick since 5am, her tummy is fine. She likely has the bug that I had on Saturday, I was only sick twice. Thank you for your concern Choconuttolata, she's currently riding her bike in the garden, it's just difficult for me to get everything washed & dried etc, they both still have waterproof mattress covers etc & those need to go on the radiators, & then my daughter sicked all over her mattress so I've had to scrub that too.

All whilst keeping one eye on my son at all times & I don't need Family Solutions coming & expecting me to drop everything & sit with her whilst she winds my son up & then I have to deal with it when she leaves.

She doesn't need a referral from the counsellor, I sent the same email & photos of my bruises to herself, the social worker & the counsellor so they all have the same info. Only he phoned me & they ignored me.

Anyway, I told her that I've got all this washing to do etc & that as far as I'm aware, I'm allowed to cancel a visit, so she said that she won't come.

She's also sent me a long letter asking how I'm feeling about everything since our last meeting & apologizing for upsetting me (now this will have been prompted by the counsellor)

I told her that I think it's cruel for her to use me having counselling as a barrier for not submitting my son's NDD paperwork, I asked the Social worker to help me with this back in October & they are still dragging their heels.

I told her if she's concerned about how I feel then let me have my counselling sessions, & told her that I respect her decision that it's not Autism with my son but that I would like all of these plans to end as soon as they can, I asked what I need to do to start wrapping things up, And I thanked her for all of her help.

Ah glad to hear she is riding her bike, they bounce back so quickly. I forgot you had the tummy bug, I blame my flu ridden brain 😂

Wrong end of stick, I thought it was SW visiting not family solutions. Glad you were assertive and told her that her blocking the NDD referral was cruel, she needs to hear that.

Have the social services ever offered you a support volunteer- may be something like home start. The would come to your house for a few hours a week. You choose what you would like them to do - help with children or House or even just to sit and chat to you if that's what you want. Help kids with home work while you get the tea. Go out for a walk or a coffee etc either just you or with one or both kids ?

CHRIS003 I had home start when the kids dad first moved out, we just used to chat & it was nice. I think it might be a bit much right now tbh though, adding another 'person'. I struggle now with all the meetings etc.

Social Services have offered me nothing apart from Stronger Families.

Choconuttolata You get extra credit because you've kept me company whilst you've been unwell!

Family solutions thought that I was cancelling today due to what happened the other day. She said that she has lots planned & doesn't want our sessions to end yet. I said we can do the next 6 scheduled ones & then that's it, I'm not doing any 'Extra' with people who have no idea of what's actually going on for me & my family, & who aren't helping.

The only one who makes me feel good (apart from a couple of times) when I speak to him is the counsellor.

My son seems ok today, he's only asked me if I love him a few times, which sounds sad, but means that he's not feeling too anxious.

My daughter is ok & I've finally got all the cleaning done!

Hi, thought I’d drop by after busy week. The social worker and family solutions sound so unaware of PDA presentation. It must be so frustrating.

Thank you Hearti, I'm not frustrated, I'm defeated. I feel like if it's just me & the counsellor versus school/social worker/Family solutions, when they are the ones that have 'met' him, then what chance do we have.

(I even googled how far away is the counsellor & wondered if we could get a face-to-face appointment just so that he could say that he's met him!)

My son went from fine to absolutely not fine tonight. And now I have bruises on top of bruises & this is when I find everything the hardest. I've just got him in bed so it wasn't too long but he went straight to vicious violence.

i hope you have a quiet night now and have time to do some self care. A soak in the bath maybe. He’s very lucky to have you. Do you know what set him off tonight? It must be difficult to work it out sometimes.

Hearti I'm just sat here on alert listening for him. He doesn't want to go to his club tomorrow & he is upset that we didn't get to go out as planned today... He got to do loads of fun stuff at home but of course that doesn't matter.

We all had some Chocolate cake & ice cream earlier & he just started acting really strangely. I thought 'I'm not sure if this is the start of a meltdown, or something else' but I checked that the scissors & knife was hidden just in case (& he did go for them later)

Could sugar be another trigger? Mine go silly when they have sugar sometimes. DS goes into hyper mode and then crashes. This article is interesting.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/blog.well-nest.ca/2020/02/11/sugar-and-anxiety/amp/

Thank you Choconuttolata I've tried to find links to food before but can never find anything consistent. He got 'funny' when I gave him the cake so he hadn't had any yet.

It will possibly be something like he decided that his sister got more/she got the better spoon/nicer bowl so I love her more... I mean it's been like that before but obviously those aren't actually the issue, just what he focuses on. He might tell me another day.

All he was saying was that he hates his sister because she ruined his day, & he never wanted to go to this club tomorrow but I'm forcing him to because I'm evil.

Before that point, I actually thought that we might get to his club without any major upsets (Can hardly believe that I still have positive thinking but there you go!)

Good job you put the scissors and knife away. It’s good you know him so well and can foresee behaviours and make things safer. My child has gone through autistic burnout linked to secondary school, we had some frightening behaviours before removing him from school and I hid everything, knives, tablets, recycling cans/glass, ligature risks just in case but it’s impossible to remove every single risk.

Also I wanted to add that in my work I find that it’s consistently the mothers of autistic young people who are on the receiving end of heightened behaviours. Sometimes the fathers too but consistently always the mothers. I’ve wondered if it’s a mix of the mothers being the main care giver, having a greater depth of bond and naturally being less physically powerful so an easier target.

Thank you for sharing that Hearti I did say similar to Family solutions in our messages yesterday, 'It might state that dad has 50/50 on our plan but he doesn't & never has, most of the anger comes to me simply because my son is with me more, & also he probably still masks just a bit at dads, because he isn't there much'.

(I'm just a little bit bitter about that 50/50 claim, you might have guessed!)

I've tried to tell people before that we'd have to live in an empty shell & he'd still get the plaster off the walls & use that as a weapon, when he's upset. He's tried to use charger wires & the elastic on a cat toy to strangle me before. We have no glasses after he flung one at my head a few years ago. Shoes are a favourite, they give a good smack & leave a good bruise.

Anyway, he went off to his club quiet but without incident. Me & his sister have had a nice day. The counsellor has let me know that all is good, he's done his thing behind the scenes, we have our sessions just me & him coming up

Sounds like anxiety rearing it's head again Struggles rather than sugar. Bless him, glad he managed to go to his club without incident and that the counsellor has had words with the various parties.

Good to hear you feeling more positive about having sessions with the counsellor on your own, having someone to listen and empathise with you is important.

Thank you Choconuttolata I've got him treats for when I pick him up. I'm so proud of him.

It's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, to think that the counselling had to stop & now it's back on. The funny thing is, I wasn't having a session this week, as I have no time without the kids, but I've ended up speaking to the counsellor more than anybody else.

(Another day, another no-response from Family Solutions of Social worker, to my email with photos of bruises, re last night's meltdown)

I heard back about the EHCP, that's refused as expected, So I need to appeal.

We had a good couple of days, although my son was in a really bad mood after his club still, because I 'Forced him' to go.

Then they went to their dads Friday evening, back yesterday so I could take the youngest to a party, so I thought my son was going to get some much needed time with his dad, but his dad persuaded him to go to the party too (which left me having to ask the party mum if it was ok, & text round to see if any other older ones were going)

So on 'his' dad's weekend, I had them both for 3 hours last night, so he got extra time with his wife.

And then he hadn't given them tea (these evening parties, you eat first) & expected me to buy them something there (£££)

I have the Social worker & Family Solutions on a video call tomorrow. I'm Extremely nervous/ worried about it.

I've not heard from Family Solutions since Tuesday, when she tried to insist on coming round when the youngest was ill, & she said that we would 'Speak later in the week'. No response from either of them to my email about the meltdown & my bruises that evening.

I'm feeling frustrated that it's all on me. I'm getting all of the visits. Nobody is forcing their dad to have them round or do video calls.

I'm the one being pushed to have alone time with each child (Which I always do anyway, it's standard for me in the holidays, one holiday club each so that we get a day each together)

BUT when we had the CAF, they used to pay for the holiday clubs for me, now I'm having to pay, which is fine, but it's extra stress on me. And their dad doesn't get anybody telling him that he should be having alone time with each child, but I bet they will tell me that on our call tomorrow, like it's my fault

I know that nobody reading this will know & I don't expect an actual answer, but from reading how things are, does anybody think that there's a chance that we could have this CIN plan ended (or an end date) ?

Or are we not even nearly there yet, & I need to adjust my expectations as it's not gonna happen yet?

CIN plans are voluntary. So you could refuse to give permission, however, the risk of this is that they might consider child protection plan, which isn’t voluntary. At the end of the day, if there is no progress, it is kind of on them, not you.

My advice is just to keep evidence of everything. Emails, paperwork. Appeal your refusal to assess. Just keep going forward with what you are doing.

I think parenting will always be challenged, but that is very lazy by professionals. You have engaged. I think ultimately he needs an assessment and theraputicla intervention. Is this an outcome at all on your CIN plan? Have a look at the plan and what they recommend. Do you agree with it?

Thank you imip Yes I know they are voluntary but I'm not going to/was never going to refuse it. It was me that asked for help in the first place after-all, & this is the help that was available.

I feel like we are at a point where they aren't doing anything apart from adding extra stress to our lives.

One of the emails by Family Solutions the other day said that there are 'Other things to try' & that we 'Don't have to focus all of our efforts on the NDD assessment' (Well that's funny because they aren't putting any effort into it)

And that is of course ignoring the fact that if my son does have ND & continues to have to struggle on because everybody says that he's 'fine' so that he's refused assessment again, then where does that leave him?

We are halfway through Family Solutions 12 sessions & all she's done is give us colouring in pages on feelings & emotions, & a survey for me & his dad, which shows that my stress levels are off the chart, & his are medium, we've done all these in the past. I'm not sure what she's actually supposed to be 'Doing'.

Back at the first school meeting with the Social worker, the Senco said that she thinks my son needs 'Extensive therapy' & the Social worker said 'There isn't the funding for that'.

i will have a look at the actual plan, good idea.

It says 'There has been a long history of concerns around child's behaviour and mum has been engaging with support around this, however there appears to be limited progress. It has therefore been agreed that child would benefit from CIN planning and for support to be put in place for the family'.

The Plan Doesn't mention me shutting him in his room, or shutting us in a room, if he has knives etc, just to 'Call the police'. (That's interesting to me, I always thought that it said to get me & his sister somewhere safe, like our previous Safety plans did)

• Dad to consider breakfast club so that the children aren't returned on a Thursday morning in a heightened state, for mum to take to school (not done)

• School to continue to offer mindfulness & meditation sessions for son (Which my son is now refusing to do)

• School to continue to offer daughter play therapy (which she is doing, & loves)

• Parenting courses for me (Done)

• Parenting courses for dad (not done)

• Family solutions to find further parenting courses (Don't know if this is done but I spoke to the usual course provider in December & they confirmed that I'm all up to date)

• Me & Dad to do a parenting course together (Not done, no mention of this to me)
  Although the dates of the course are listed here as in January. Nobody has followed this up with me.

• Consider Family Solutions (Done)

• Continue to engage with the Enuresis team re: bed wetting & follow advice (Done)

Then it says 'If there are further concerns or worries about mum & dad not following the safety plans, there will be further exploration about what support can be offered'.

..................

So no mention of counselling/therapy or anything like that.

Apart from finding out about that parenting course, is there anything else that I should be doing?

Am I missing anything?

It's really upsetting reading all that actually. Takes me right back to that time. It reads quite clearly to me like a mum is in desperate need of help & what has actually been done?

It says 'Mum is clearly experiencing parental burnout'.

You ask if you are missing anything that hasn't been done ?
The first point - about the breakfast club ?
Was this something that social services were going to fund?
What happened with this ?

Hi CHRIS003, I was just reading back through my post!

School said that the children could go for free but their dad has to want to do it/engage with them about it.

I've found out who is running this other parenting course & sent them an email to get me on the list for the next one.

There's one new one been added on the 'Normal' parenting courses so I'll do that one too so that I'm again up to date.

can you not just book it in yourself and tell him it's booked and he can drop them off there ?
Can you not book them in for other days yourself ( if you feel it would help that is ? )

Tbh, I was never sure about it. It's my own anxieties just thinking about not seeing my babies before they go to school that day, because I've never done that before! & knowing how anxious my son gets about going to his dad's the night before too!

But of course I'm all for it if that's what's recommended.

What I will say though, is that when the plan was written, they'd only been going to his on a Wednesday for a few months & he was bringing them back with 5 minutes until we had to leave, all upset, then I still had to do my daughter's hair etc.

The last few times, he's bought them back earlier so it's been easier. I'm not rushing them & we actually get time to see each other nicely for a few minutes before having to leave.

So I'm not sure on that one, but if the Social worker still wants us to do it then I think she should be pushing him to book it really, shouldn't she? Why should I have to book it etc?