Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Aww Choconuttolata I hope you feel better soon. I've got a bit of a cold/blocked ears thing going on too. Making me feel grotty. I hope your son is ok later, it's been a really long term hasn't it.

I didn't tell my son about the possible visit yesterday (luckily) as, because the Social worker is the one he's seen the least, then he is the most anxious about seeing her as he doesn't know her. I told him the other day & he just wasn't handling it, so this time I was going to just have her turn up (which might seem mean but it's just how I was going to do it)

I had treats for after she had gone but it didn't matter in the end as she didn't come.

Family Solutions & her manager & the Social worker are all absolutely certain that it's not Autism & that this referal is going to fail.

She again said that they can't do their side until the counselling sessions have finished, I told her that she's wrong but my son's sessions have finished anyway so why can't we go ahead? She said they all need to finish.

I asked her if it's not Autism then am I just not parenting him properly so he's hitting me etc because I'm a rubbish parent? She said it's because I'm physically weaker than his dad so he's hitting out at me & this behaviour is only going to get worse as he gets older because I havn't got a handle on it now.

I said 'So how do I get a handle on it now? Because the parenting courses tell you consequences (where standard consequences don't work for him) & speak to him calmly afterwards but that doesn't make any difference'.

She said we need his dad to speak to him about it?!

She said she's very worried about my MH 'When this second referal is refused'.

I said 'Well the CIN plan is going to close soon & we are going to be left to it, so whatevers going on in my son's head, whatever he's struggling with, he will be left, & I will be left to he beaten the crap out of.'

I'm absolutely devastated. I knew that none of them believed it but still, I'm so upset

I've just emailed the counsellor & asked to cancel our last sessions, & emailed the Social worker & asked what I need to do next, to start thinking about the CIN plan being closed.

You must just want to throw back your head and scream. Is it any wonder your mental health is suffering considering the total lack of support.

1. Email the counsellor back and say you don't want to cancel. He is on your side, you need to talk to him about what they are saying to you and it's impact.

1. Ask the social worker and family solutions to put their comments in writing, if they stand by them they should be prepared to. Also request that they send them to his Dad.

1. Complain about the social worker and family solutions, the fact that they have decided it isn't Autism despite not being qualified to decide this and how this bias could impact the support available for your child. Also with the social worker complain about the lack of support and cancelled visits.

1. Contact your local MP casework team to see if they might be able to help you with your case.

Thank you Choconuttolata The counsellor just answered me so I told him that if it were up to me then I wouldn't cancel, I like our sessions, but I don't feel like I have a choice in this. My son comes first.

I also apparently don't have a choice in switching our bedrooms around, as I told Family solutions earlier, but she's since emailed me saying that our sessions will last longer, whilst she helps me with the room switch.

And finally, I don't have a say in when our CIN plan ends (although I understand this one being cautious) as the Social worker HAS answered me but hasn't answered what I asked.

I told him that I feel very lost

I've had a cry & now I just have to get on with it.

I am not surprised that you feel lost.

Why are your bedrooms being switched around?

Choconuttolata They aren't. As the kids keep shouting to me 'I do not give consent'. Well, I do not give consent for Family Solutions to swap my bedrooms around.

The whole lot of them can F. Off as far as I'm concerned.

How do they feel that big change (when he already struggles with change) would help your son and family?

Choconuttolata I don't know, but she also said (& I can't quite believe this but I was too down-hearted about the other thing, to reply, at the time) 'You havn't said that your son likes routine'.

The only further update is the Counsellor said that he can feel how upset I am, by my emails & that it's not fair to add this to my already heavy burden. He's going to call Family Solutions next week to find out why they are insisting that the sessions need to be finished, & why they are saying what they've said about the NDD referal when they aren't qualified to say it.

He said that he will send the letter to myself & to the NDD referral, like he said, but that he will also send a copy to Family Solutions & the Social worker.

He said that if the counselling sessions are finished then it's good practice to have one where we say goodbye. I said that I can't face it, I'll just cry through it, because I don't want them to end for this reason. I feel like I don't have a single friend in the whole entire world

Social worker said that Family solutions will now also attend the video call that we have scheduled (so that they can both gang up against me & tell me all the reasons why I'm such an awful parent)

I spent the night crying & wondering how I keep getting myself into these situations where nobody can 'See' what I can see, & thinking well me & the counsellor just have it really wrong. Maybe it will end up that my son is NT & there will be a huge note on my file forevermore 'This parent tries to persuade people that her child is ND although nobody has ever seen any evidence of that'.

I must have said something at some point to make Family Solutions think 'ND' because she asked if I'd thought of getting him assessed, but since that point she's been back-tracking (although I still held on to a little hope that she could see 'something') well I did until yesterday.

I don't think she's even going to write a statement for the NDD now. I asked her yesterday & she said 'I probably should because I've seen some of his milder upsets' but it was like 'Oh, well since you are asking me now then yeah, I might do'.

I know yesterday involved me trying to cancel everything with everybody, & that will probably be seen as a 'Red flag' but I don't know how they expect me to react when they pull the rug from under my feet like this.

If I'm such a terrible parent that I've taught my son to hit to get what he wants with no consequences or discipline, then why havn't they taken the kids from me???

Why isn't anybody putting my son & daughter first & getting them away from me?

And to add to my inner turmoil, our half term starts today & I've just thrown up & feel horrendous so I have a tummy bug as well.

Wish me luck.

Oh Struggles, sorry to hear you are now feeling unwell too on top of everything. Is their Dad due to have them at any point to give you a break?

The counsellor sounds very supportive, if you feel well enough too I would try to speak to him when you feel able even if for one last session, because he is clearly there for you too. Hopefully he will drum some sense into SW and family solutions.

I find being emotional, crying and not sleeping can make me feel truly awful and sometimes vomit, so hopefully it might not be a bug. If it turns out to be try to take it easy (I know easier said than done), lots of rest even if sat on a sofa and sips of fluids.

Your son would probably benefit from low key today anyway to regulate after such a stressful term. Maybe give your son the job of getting Mum drinks and plain snacks/toast today.

My son has been quite sweet coming in to my bedroom to give me cuddles, whilst voicing his concern that I might die. My coughing triggers him I think, his Dad was very poorly with COVID and got taken off in an ambulance so he gets very worried, bless him. I reassure him that I am not dying, just poorly and I will be ok.

Thank you for all of your kindness Choconuttolata. I hope that your illness doesn't last much longer. Your poor son, it must be so difficult to see you like this. Are you able to rest today?

I've never been sick after having a rough night before, although it might he connected to my blocked ear & general cold-y- thing I've had going on (although I felt better yesterday)

We actually had a school even last night so they were late to bed. My son spent the evening snuggling into me/sitting on my lap/hiding his face when anybody tried to speak to him/charging round with his Autistic friend (they didn't know that each other would be there, his friend changed schools so they havn't seen each other for a while but their faces lit up when they saw each other)

So I'm laying here (still in bed for now) thinking back to last night, happy memories there as we rarely go out in the evening.

My daughter is trying on all of her clothes, in & out showing me, & dragging the cat around with her

My son has made a den in the bath & is reading his books in there.

The counsellor has spoken to Family solutions 3 times before & each time he's been 'Is it ok if I speak to them?' But yesterday was the first time when he said 'Next Tuesday, I'm speaking to Family Solutions, I'm not happy about this & I don't agree with it' (without asking permission, not that he needs it, I just noticed)

They last saw their dad Sunday, they are seeing him Wednesday evening for tea. He, of course, doesn't know about any of this & isn't having his parenting questioned at all. Just me. Like usual. Which doesn't even make sense, seeing as the Social worker announced at the school meeting that 'Dad has 50/50 care'... Well why the hell isn't he getting any of this thrown at him then if he's so involved?!

Just, whatever.

Thank you Struggles. I have been in bed pretty much since Wednesday night really, resting is all I am doing at the moment as I have no energy for anything else! It is proper 'flu unfortunately.

Sounds like your kids are finding their own ways to enjoy the start of half term. Interesting that your son likes the containment of the bath. Sounds like he is going a good job self regulating after a busy evening.

Dressing up in every outfit is something my middle daughter did around that age too. Poor cat, is your DD dressing the cat up too?

If Dad is 50:50 then he surely should have them more often than that, and definitely they should be expecting more of him and holding him to it.

Sounds like the counsellor will have some firm words with family solutions when he speaks to them. Let him do some fighting of your corner for a bit whilst you rest and regroup.

Choconuttolata Sounds horrible, poor you. Sending you hugs.xxx

I never get to rest like that even when I'm properly unwell, as my son is one of those that just need to be out using up his energy, but I think we will be ok today.

He's now asking for 'jobs' & doing his fidgety anxiousy bit so that's enough rest for me. He's emptied & re-filled the washing machine & made us all a drink.

Yes, he goes in the bath sometimes when he's unwell himself. His dad saw him once & asked 'Why are you letting him do that? It's stupid'.

she was trying to dress the cat up too! He's had enough & taken himself outside now.

I just wish people could see the impact of their words & think before they say them... Why Family solutions decided that yesterday (when herself, Social worker, counsellor are all off work for the weekend, so I have nobody to talk to, & it's the start of the school holidays where I don't get a break) was the right time to drop this bombshell on me, is absolutely beyond me.

Sometimes I think that they do stuff deliberately to be cruel.

She said to me before 'I don't know why your GP said that to you, as somebody (me) who clearly suffers from anxiety, that just isn't going to help you'. & then she goes & does this.

We had a horrendous evening. Meltdown for 5 hours. He punched his sister in the stomach before I could get him to his room.

I've got a bruise from where he slapped me hard & this made me cry, which he thought was hilarious/irritated him & he spent the rest of the meltdown trying to repeat the slap. I've got another bruise from a pinch/nip & a horrible swollen bruised lump on my forearm. Everything is tender.

All I've been thinking throughout is... & this is all it will ever be. We will never move forwards from this. He will never have any peace in his own mind. & it's not even worth telling anybody about this meltdown because nobody cares.

He's tucked up in bed now. Safe & warm. So is his sister. I love them so much. They deserve better than me.

I couldn't read and run, although I'm up with a poorly baby so this may not be as helpful as i would like it to be.

I discovered your posts today, I work with a couple of children with PDA and what you describe in your story is so similar to other families I have been involved with. I just wanted you to know that although you must feel incredibly isolated and alone,there are so many other families going through the same thing. I can't understand why no one has supported your application for an autism assessment, but you are doing all you can. You shouldn't be taking the hits without a plan, you shouldn't be going through this without support.

Phone the GP in the morning and get them to document your injuries. Do not blame yourself. You need help and support and to be listened to and believed xx

Thank you Stardust for taking the time to answer me. I hope your poor baby is ok soon!

I was thinking of the GP yesterday, they said I could speak to them about my son again 'After the counselling' so now then. They weren't any help before but all I can do is try.

I was trying to be practical & ask what needs to change then if it's my parenting (With Family Solutions the other day) but it was like she hadn't got that far, only as far as telling me I've invented the whole Autism thing in my head & then that was all. She's coming to see us tomorrow. All I want to do is shut myself in my bedroom & not see her!

When I'm really stressed about something then I have horribly bad dreams, & that was last night & just now

How are you and your daughter now Struggles? I hope your daughter's tummy is ok and that you are not too sore.

Did you decide to speak to the GP?

What triggered the meltdown do you think?

I found this blog by the mother of a child with ASD that talks about coping with distressed behaviour that I thought was good.

https://aboylessordinary.com/66-2/coping-with-distressed-behaviour/

I also had another thought. You mentioned the neighbours probably are disturbed by your son when he has meltdowns. Have you approached the neighbours to find out whether they hear his meltdowns? If they do you could maybe ask them to provide a statement detailing how often they hear them, how long they last etc.. Then you can give that to the social worker and as evidence for the NDD referral. They might be willing to help.

Choconuttolata How are you feeling?

I will have a look at that, thank you for posting it. He definitely retreats into himself a lot.

I did the online GP thing & originally they scheduled a call-back for 3 weeks time. I'm not sure what changed but later on they said they will call tomorrow, which is going to be difficult as I'm with my son all day while his sister is at her holiday club (but it's better than 3 weeks time!)

The counsellor was trying to call me all day & we had the same problem. We eventually managed it late this afternoon as I managed to get the kids distracted in a shoe shop so grabbed the opportunity.

He said that it had to be today as he's worried about me. He also said that my therapy is my therapy & it's nothing to do with anybody else as it's my private business & he will be telling Family solutions that when he speaks to her tomorrow. He said that his time is for all of us as a family & me having these sessions now isn't taking anything from my son (which I was worried about)

He talked me through some questions that I had about what to do with broken items in my son's room (which really isn't his place is it, so I appreciate that he helped me with those solutions) he said that he knows that I feel whichever option I chose, will be wrong, & he wishes that he could take some of my son's anger on to himself, instead of it coming on to me.

I felt better after speaking to him, It's been the best bit of my day tbh. He's done another Safeguarding. I havn't had a reply from Family Solutions or Social worker about last night.

Both of the kids seem fine, we stayed out all day. My daughter had extra cuddles this morning & they kept out of the way when I took a whole hour trying to get their bedroom back into some kind of order just now.

Neighbours, I don't know. I'm so embarrassed. I might ask them.

Ok, he's in bed. Late but at least he's in. He was 'On the verge of a meltdown' tonight.

Last night it started because I was trying to get him to play his sister's game nicely. Usually, as long as I word things the right way & it's heavy with... '& then you get your game' then those sort of demands are ok, but not last night. I was right in their room making up their beds when he 'went' from fine to meltdown so that was how he got his sister first, charged down the stairs to her before I'd had time to realise what had happened.

The neighbours can DEFINITELY hear. I've been out to the bin before, when he's screaming & you can hear ALL of it

We are semi detached & there's houses built across the backs of our gardens & the other neighbour is just across a driveway.

Last night, my son spent a lot of time standing at his window screaming for help (as he often does) his window only opens 2 inches but it's still open. He was also shouting to these 2 neighbours 'Number (their numbers) I can see you both staring at me, I'm not blind you know. You think I'm stupid but I can see you'.

So I'm assuming that they were there listening. I'm so embarrassed. I didn't stop him because I always kind of feel at that point that the risk to myself is greater, than he pissing off the neighbours. He'd just done that hard slap & I was crying because of that, so I wondered if maybe they were there because they heard me crying, I did shout 'That hurt!' but I don't know.

Surely if they wrote a statement or something it would just be 'We see him begging for help, shut in his room. We've heard him hurt him mum but he's also said that she hurts him' because he does shout this.

I am getting better thanks, still needing my inhalers a lot, but I am out of bed and managed a short walk today to test my lungs.

Well done for getting him to bed tonight calmly.

Taking turns and playing games being a trigger for him does not surprise me, it is quite a common one between siblings and difficult for someone who is ND to navigate.

My son just cannot play games or take turns with his sisters easily even with lots of adult support, same with peers in school. He particularly finds his sister who is 2 years older than him difficult to play nicely with, he does not like submitting to her authority at all usually, if she tries to tell him to do anything he reacts really badly.

Older DD with ASD struggled to take turns playing games that her younger sister wanted to play as if she wasn't interested in the concepts she didn't even try.

Such a minefield.

Glad the counsellor phoned you and you got to talk everything over with him. Maybe ask him what he thinks about statements from the neighbours, because it seems like family solutions and social care are massively playing down his behaviour at home and it may be independent verification of what you are saying is happening re meltdowns.

Also didn't know whether you had read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene, I saw someone recommended it previously, but this website details some of the collaborative problem solving techniques used by him with videos showing the process. Might be helpful for you possibly.

https://livesinthebalance.org/parents-and-families/

Choconuttolata Aah I'm glad you are slowly getting better. That's nice to hear.

Yes it's just one of those things isn't it, playing together. Normally we can make it work, with all of the special considerations etc. Last night we couldn't.

I am worried about Family Solutions seeing it as me 'Causing' the meltdown in some way, seeing as I just told her that a big meltdown was 'due' because he can only hold it in for so long, a few days ago. And it's so unfair. I'm nothing but honest with all of these people. And I'm getting nothing back apart from upset & hurt & them not trusting what I say.

I have the statement from Stronger families, that I could possibly add but I'm not sure. It's all 'This is all trauma from when his dad left, but the NDD referral will be useful' so I'm just not sure.

I havn't read the Explosive child but I've heard of it.

I like the spring analogy here to explain a meltdown.

"The analogy I use is it’s a bit like a coiled spring. Each ‘coil’ is a result of a stimulus of some kind – sensory, social, emotional, physical. There comes a time where that coil is so tightly wound (and that can happen very quickly or over time) that it just has to ‘go’. It must release all the energy and nothing you do will stop it until it has worked it all out…or is guided out of it in a safer way."

https://mummyest2014.wordpress.com/2019/11/29/autism-is-it-a-tantrum-or-a-meltdown/

Family solutions seem clueless about ASD.

The statement from Stronger Families still sounds useful even if it mentions trauma as it still shows the behaviour and they at least mention that an ND referral would be useful. Plus it shows that even with lots of intervention the pattern of behaviour still persists.

Thank you Choconuttolata I've looked at your links, I like it when they have subtitles so that I can watch them with the kids in the room. The coiled spring is exactly how it is isn't it!

My son is absolutely having meltdowns & that's what I keep trying to tell people. When the Social worker first came, she said that my son was attention seeking & I remember saying to her (through tears, & I couldn't get my words out) 'Yeah, he is, now, but that's not what he does, I mean, obviously that's what he's doing now, but if you went home, then he wouldn't do this, he'd be worse' & she said something like 'He'd still be attention seeking but it would be more focused on you as we wouldn't be here' & I was saying 'No, when he has a meltdown it's different' & she was saying 'How is it different? Do you not agree that he's attention seeking now?' & I was struggling so much. Horrible memory of that day, & I don't think we've ever moved past it with Social worker & now Family solutions.

When Family Solutions came the other day she told me that her manager had told her about how I can't find an answer to all of my son's questions so just have to find a nice way to shut him down. Like it was groundbreaking stuff! I've already written that in my part of the NDD form, because I worked it out on my own.

I emailed & messaged her first thing this morning to tell her that my daughter was unwell in the night so can we cancel today (I've not had a response)

Honestly, seeing as how they are supposed to help families 'In crisis', you'd think they may occasionally answer those parents messages.

Today is horrible, my daughter just wants to snuggle into me & every time she touches me I'm wincing in pain.

Ok well scrap that, she's just emailed me back saying that she's still coming to see us but won't stay long. Really?! So I can't even cancel somebody coming to my home when my child is unwell & everything is covered in sick.

Fuck my life.