Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

The Social worker has only spoken to his dad once on the phone (& then saw him at the 2 school meetings) she is only answering my emails now because I asked about the NDD lead professional. All other emails are ignored.

His dad isn't involved in the NDD referal process at all so far, as I've said. But hopefully the Social worker will sort whatever she needs, with him.

My son has come back from his dad's extremely upset & his dad asked what's wrong with him. This is just a normal Sunday night upset, unfortunately, scared of the school week ahead, & it's been like this for about the past 2 years now.

Why has his dad not pushed to be involved with the assessment ?
Have you asked him why he is taking a back seat it seems like it all on you ?

I don't know CHRIS003. I asked him that once & gave him the different options to write something. I told him how difficult it was for me on the tablet & why, & he admitted that it would be easier on a laptop.

I told him that I was going to send it off & then I told him when it was sent & who I'd sent it to. Then I told him that the Social worker is the lead professional now, instead of the counsellor.

So I've kept him in the loop but that's as far as I'm going.

As I posted up thread, he's done some crappy things to me just recently (with regards to other things) & I'm trying to sort those out all on my own as well.

Everybody knows how to contact him if they need him to take an interest. He won't respond to it from me (clearly)

I told family solutions the other day, about the other stuff that's going on, & what he's done.

After the school meeting he was all angry & 'They don't listen to you! How long have you been trying to get this assessment done?!' And then he goes home & forgets about it.

I think that my son might have been experiencing shutdowns last week, I read about them the other day & I think that's what happened tonight too.

Late back from dad's, change in routine for the whole weekend (normally home at 10am on Sunday) Dad then stood in front of him where he was curled up in a ball crying on the sofa, asking questions, Extra demands & stress on top of the usual Sunday worries.

He is ok now. Exhausted. It's horrible. It's all horrible. Poor boy. He cried for so long & I just wanted to comfort him but also he just wanted me to leave him alone so I did (& I had to keep his sister away, she was very distressed at his crying as he often cries during a meltdown but not when he's all quiet like this)

You need to describe this to the counsellor/social worker as it is yet another behaviour that fits with ASD. My DH, DS and DD who all have ASD can do this when overwhelmed. It is good that you recognised this and listened to what he needed to regulate himself.

His Dad needs to be given some information about ASD to read up on so he can have a greater understanding of his needs. Is he open to the possibility of your DS being ND?

I know, thank you Choconuttolata. I'm going to mention it to everybody, now I've definitely worked out what was going on last week.

His dad is 50/50 tbh. Pretty much anything he ever says (complains) to me about our son's behaviour, I will answer with 'Thats a sign of Autism' but he will say 'Yeah, or he could just be messing about' (or similar)

And he's always saying that he's just not sure. He sits there silently in the school meetings, when this subject comes up, or he just says that our son attention seeks.

The counsellor says that he sees too much of himself in our son, so he is burying his head in the sand.

Then after Family Solutions visited him, she said that she sees a lot of similar behaviours, so maybe there's something in that.

rather then explaining autism to ex DH is it worth sending him some links to read. Short bullet point info.

This is quite clear when sharing https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism

Also this on demand avoidance

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance

Hearti I've sent him hundreds of links. I sent him one when he was text me saying that he was 'Smiling so he's perfectly in control of what he's doing', about how people with Autism sometimes smile & laugh during a meltdown. He answered with something like 'Yeah maybe but I still think with him it's deliberately being badly behaved'.

Sorry Hearti I didn't mean to be so abrupt there. Thank you for the links.
I look at the PDA one a lot myself. Yesterday I had to remind myself not to use too many words when asking my son to do something.

I had a very difficult session with the counsellor today. We spoke about how I feel when I'm at my lowest, & he said that when he text me that time & I took that to mean 'Just think of your son', what he actually meant was 'All this is going on for you & you still manage to just think of your son'.

He said that I'm like his co-therapist when we've done these video calls with my son. He said the way I watch him & pick up on any slight movement & feeling, & I've learned all of that pretty much on my own because we havn't had any decent professional help along the way.

I told him that when his dad came in yesterday, when he normally just drops them off, it upset the whole system & that I needed to just get back to 'Us' again, before I could help my son out of his shutdown.

it sounds like your ex DH is very set in his view point! Hopefully when there’s formal diagnosis he will start to understand, although the lack of engagement will likely remain.

Have you much on this coming week?

Struggles says that Dh is 50/50 about whether son has autism or is just badly behaved but what she is describing about dad's responses sounds more like he going along with her - but is leaning towards the idea of bad behaviour no amount of links to information will change that attitude. I have an adult son on the autistic spectrum and when he was little I had people who didn't believe me until he had a diagnosis. In my experience they only change their attitude once a professional diagnoses the child.
When my son was young I went to an autism awareness seminar by the national autistic society - there was a woman there who was a single mum who said she was at her wits end trying to get her mother to understand that her 10 Yr old grandson was asd- so she had bought her along to the event so a professional could explain and she could listen, this woman looked after her grandson regularly but blamed the fact his mum 'spoilt' him because he was an only child.
This mum lost out on a social services application for respite care because her mum told the social worker that she didn't have any problems with her grandson when he stayed with her so he could stay with her anytime time daughter wanted a break !
This grandmother argued with the person giving the talk ( a senior professional at national autistic society) that she still didn't believe her daughter and in this woman's case she didn't believe the doctors that had diagnosed him - her daughter basically said to the person running the course that she had to put with this all the time,everyone felt sorry for her !
If someone believes it is ' just being badly behaved ' then it going to be difficult to
Change this opinion but I would advise that if you can get him to go the assessments when they finally done he will then be able to be involved in the decision process.it is important for your son that he gets involved as he looks after him jointly with you. If he wasn't involved with much then it perhaps wouldn't matter so much but seen has he is still involved a lot in his sons life then he needs to be part of the process.

Sadly my mother in law was similar, she fully believed that a formally diagnosed child was just naughty. She didn’t believe in autism full stop and put behaviours down to parenting. The strange thing is that MIL had typical ASD traits herself

It's difficult because if I ask him outright if he thinks it might be autism then he says yes.

Hearti I've got my house inspection tomorrow. Just hoping that they won't notice all of the drawing all over the back of his new bedroom door (scribbles & swear words) or all of the chunks of plaster missing from his bedroom wall, or the broken seal around his window...

Wednesday I've got Family Solutions & Social worker (I think, she hasn't confirmed) Thursday I've got hospital appointment for myself.

I'm so tired. He's 'On the verge of' this afternoon. He used his post-its to tell me that he's scared.

CHRIS003 I'm 99% certain that he will come to any assesments/appointments where we have to 'be' there, as he's all about 'looking good'.

How did the house inspection go? X

Hearti Thank you for asking, I think it went ok. They paused in his room so I don't know what they were looking at but they didn't say anything.

I've added on the info about my son's shutdowns, to my part of the NDD form. I told the Social worker that I will leave it there, otherwise I will just be adding to it forever (not that she's answered me) I Think Sats week is a good week to end on.

🤞on the inspection front, hopefully they didn't notice the back of the door.

Glad you were able to add the shutdown observations to the NDD forms before they get sent off.

I think it is really positive that your son has found a way through post-its to let you know he is scared. My DS often voices that he in scared around school, unknowns and changes in routines. It is very hard for them to process changes in routine, others find this easier to cope with and unless you have more experience of ASD (not just theoretical training, actual lived experience day to day) it is hard to gauge the magnitude of small ways this can impact a child throughout their day. Everything about being a child is change, your body changes, the school routine changes, friendships change, activities on the weekend change. It is a lot to deal with if you thrive on routine to know where you are in the world and feel that it is predictable and safe. DD1 was telling me yesterday how hard she finds last minute room/teacher changes at secondary school, she is autistic, but much more able to regulate than DS or DH when there are changes.

Thank you Choconuttolata. That's exactly it. Any day at school is just always going to be difficult for him in many different ways. Add in a change & all hell breaks loose in his mind.

He came out of school upset with me, because I'd taken an extra minute or so to pick up his sister, so he had to wait for me.

and then he's been in a strange mood tonight. Arguing & snappy about everything & he's absolutely obsessing over his Forest school this week. For some reason his teacher told him that it's going to be 'freezing' so he's now totally convinced that he's going to freeze to death & he is so worried about it.

We played a board game & his sister laughed at something & he flew at her shouting 'What the hell are you belittling me for?' He's never used that word before.

That is exactly what my son would do re: the freezing comment. Yesterday he had been anxious about his TA having a heart attack because he had gone home unwell at lunchtime. He soaks in everything like a sponge that people say around him or from programs on TV and will come out with it later, so I think he has heard someone talking about heart attacks at some point recently.

DS also struggles to interpret facial expressions and other people's displays of emotion and will react negatively to people laughing sometimes thinking it is at him. He is struggling with his self esteem, because as he gets older he is more aware of the difference between him and his peers so more sensitive to perceived slights.

Choconuttolata Yes that's exactly the same for us. It's so hard isn't it, he just can't let go of anything once it's said to him.
His idea this morning was that he can be home schooled from now on, because one of his friends at school used to be.

He is spending a lot of his lunchtimes at school either helping the teachers or being on library/lunch duty etc. I was telling the therapist that 'On paper', it seems like he has a lovely group of friends & they spend every day together, but in reality he is only with them one lunchtime out of 5.

The social worker didn't turn up yesterday & I havn't heard from her.

I was hoping that this could be the week when the NDD paperwork finally got sent off. When we had the last school meeting, Social worker said that we have to wait until my son's counselling sessions have finished, before we can send it off. I told her that I don't think we have to wait, as he'd already written a valuation saying that in his opinion, my son is Autistic & needs this assessment done ASAP.

She said she'd look into it. But now, Family solutions have said 'We can't do our side until the counselling sessions are finished'.

I don't know why they are saying that. I asked the counsellor himself & he said that we can just go ahead, there's no need to wait.

I'm hoping that he gets his statement done (he said that he'd do it this week) & then that will give everybody else a nudge, & show them that we don't have to wait.

We had a bad night last night & this morning my son is just full of anxiety. This week has been very difficult. He's told me that he won't survive today. He's got so many fun things to do these last 2 days, before half term, but he's just so scared & worried about everything.

They are dragging their heels aren't they. Hopefully the counsellor gets his statement done and the ball will start rolling over half term/when they come back.

Sounds like the fun things before half term along with the lack of communication about the social worker cancelling visits/not turning up might be stressing your son out. Hopefully he can get through the last two days ok.

I just had a call from my son's school as he had a meltdown in lunchtime provision over something, but is settling down now, his TA is still off sick. All the kids are so tired at this point, my older two are also unwell but are struggling through the last two days, they wanted to go in. Quite grateful they have all gone in as I am also unwell, my chest has been terrible the last few days, it has given me more chance to rest today, I haven't been getting much sleep at night.