Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

He's also obsessing about electric shocks at the moment & all he's doing is trying to shove his fingers into plug sockets & all last night he kept trying to reach the fuse box. And it's 'Kill me, please kill me, I'll only be happy when you kill me'.

He still finds it hilarious when he hurts me too. Last night he laughed & mimicked me for what felt like an hour, after he made me cry. And this morning I almost lost my footing & fell backwards over a chair when he shoved me. That was hysterical too & I get another shove before I've got myself upright.

I know he's not really laughing at me. But it's very difficult.

When he is displaying suicidal intent i.e. trying to hurt himself in any way and saying he wants to kill himself and being violent you can call for an ambulance to help you get him to A&E if it is unsafe for you to transfer him alone. If he is seen in A&E, it will be another report going to social care (from ambulance crew and A&E). I don't know how mental health services for children and young people work in your area, but in mine they review children and young people brought to A&E for this reason. You can also refuse to take him home because you can't keep him/his sister safe due to his behaviour if it has seriously escalated. This may not be the best option in terms of exacerbating his trauma/rejection issues, but if you are desperate and not coping mentally it is an option as a further cry for help.

Choconuttolata Thank you for your posts today. I read through this last one shaking my head thinking 'I couldn't ever do that to him, it would make him too distressed'. But then I thought about it & I know what you are saying.

It's something to bare in mind.

In those moments, as well as wanting us to be safe, & wanting to know how to help him calm down, I just want somebody to care. It's the feeling SO isolated that kills me. Every time he nearly shoves me down the stairs or through a window or when he's nearly stabbed me (not in the last few days)... I always think... '& if I died now then nobody would know until school tomorrow' or if it's the weekend, 'Nobody will know for 2 days, & when they do know, nobody will care'.

It's just feeling like I don't matter, like I could just as easily have never existed. Like I could just disappear & all of his, & my, distress would have been for nothing.

That probably doesn't make sense but it's just how I feel.

Hi Struggles, I’m sorry your in so much pain, it sounds like you’ve been through it this week. 💐

How your feeling does make sense, it’s called being passively suicidal. You really do need help, I know your GP can’t do more for your son and I know as a mother you put all your efforts into helping your child, but you really need more support yourself. Can you go back to your GP and see what mental health support is available? Our surgery offers same day face to face appointment for MH crisis which is where you’re at now.

SATs are not that important, call him in sick until they’re over. You need a break. As a PP has said, his secondary school will most likely do their own tests at the start of year 7. Hopefully the SENCO there will be more proactive in understanding his needs, helping him through the tests and obtaining an EHCP for him.

Sadly, his primary School are probably no longer invested in doing anything more to help, they’ll be waiting to hand him over to another school.

I hope you get a little bit of time to relax this evening.

Trigger warning suicide

Thank you Girlattheback You've always been kind to me on here.

I hadn't heard of that before but it's exactly what it is.
I hope I die in my sleep.
I hope one of those cars crashes into me.
Maybe if I curl up in a ball on this pavement, then I can just stop breathing.

That's today.

That last one, curling up in a ball, was VERY strong.

I've just heard that little one is asleep & older one is ok, so I was going to go to bed but realized I don't have uniform (different one needed from today) washed for tomorrow so I'm just having to do that.

Problem when everything goes to hell with my son, everything goes to hell in the home as well.

I've just taken some pics of my bruises, they didn't look this bad this morning. I don't know why I bothered to take them though. For now, my children are ok, & that's what matters.

Struggles please consider doing a self referral to Talking Therapies, I have used similar in my area before several times when I was feeling really low/struggling with PTSD and it helped me to have someone to talk to.

https://infolink.suffolk.gov.uk/kb5/suffolk/infolink/service.page?id=v8LIC6d2pw4

Thank you Choconuttolata For all of your kindness yesterday. I'm glad the talking therapy has worked for you. I have done it before. My latest one was back in January/February & they said that I needed to do some 'More intense' CBT so I was on the waiting list for that, & I've just been waiting. Although the GP the other day seemed to think that I wasn't on the list so I need to contact them, but havn't.

I got a few hours sleep & then woke in a blind panic, convinced my son was in the room somewhere trying to kill me, & I had to find my daughter. I stood in their room for a few moments thinking that I'd lost her & he must of 'got' her...

Today was relatively smooth when they came back from their dads. They are at school.

I can't diagnose your son @StrugglesSadness but I can tell you what I think. I think he is neurodiverse, probably autistic, and his life and yours will be better for that diagnosis. He does sound traumatised but perhaps from years of unsupported disability rather than his family circumstances.

One thing I'm sure of, this is not your fault. Actually, two things. He needs help.

Thank you DisquietintheRanks It's just knowing where to get the help from.
Camhs won't speak to me whilst we are under Barnardo's & everything is on hold with Barnardo's until this counselling is finished. GP also won't help until counselling is finished.

my son still isn't speaking during the counselling. He's still wanting me with him, even though the counsellor tried to push for him to have the sessions alone. I'm hoping that through his body language & stuff like that, the counsellor is going to get a vague idea about 'something' at least.

So I have a response from the social worker. She spoke to school this morning. She asked if it's ok to do a referral for 'Family solutions'. Has anybody worked with them?

I said 'Its fine to refer us to anybody,I told you that in the school meeting' (2 weeks ago)

& she asked 'What would you like to discuss?'

So I said 'Well, all of the items that I've been emailing you about. ND referal, I have no 'Professional' to help me with this now. EHC Plan. I don't care what school say, I want to at least have a fair attempt at applying for one. CIN plan, some of this isn't even accurate, I've been telling you this since I first received it at the end of October'.

And I added 'You've taken all of my other support away & now all I have is you, & it's impossible to even receive a response from you about anything'.

Gah. Crappy, Crappy, crappy life.

I also sent a long email to (new) high school Senco department asking for a call. I told them that I've left 4 messages with the main office now but nobody has ever called me back.

I tried to book an appointment with IPSEA but they just said to keep trying.

My daughter has autism with pda traits. My son has severe autism and it's my daughter who is harder to parent.
You need to let them think they are in control about almost everything and it's exhausting x

eatdrinkandbemerry Thank you for sharing that. Sending you strength!

It is, it's control & it's sooo difficult. I was just talking to his dad this morning & saying 'He will do this because it's the control thing'.

How do you get people to listen though?

Have you tried simply telling the social worker I can't cope with his violent behaviour anymore ! This an emergency and want you to take him in to emergency Foster care because he is attacking me violently and I can't cope anymore. Once he is in a Foster care they would assess him and you would still be able to see him and the social services would come up with a plan of support

CHRIS003 When they came as an emergency in the school holidays it was because I said that I can't cope then. I told her that I think they would be better off living somewhere else as I'm not coping.

She said we would discuss it another time as emotions were heightened, but the CIN plan says 'Struggles states that she'd like the children to live elsewhere & just visit on weekends'.

Yet here we are, 3 & a half months later. Since then I've had 1 home visit, 1 school meeting & she's ignored all of my emails & phonecalls in between, apart from today.

Even the tearful voicemail that I left, stating that he's not on the ND list anymore & what do I do now, was never responded too.

The thing is, I don't want them to live somewhere else if it's because of hurting me. I would rather he keeps hurting me if this is the right place for him.

I want them to live elsewhere if it's decided that's the right place for them.

(I hope that makes sense)

Remind social services of what they said 3 months ago and tell them again that you can't cope- next time he has a violent outburst or hurts you then ring them as an emergency or call the police - call his dad anyone who will listen to you.
If he keeps hurting you without consequences then what happens as he grows .
As he gets bigger taller he can do more damage.

CHRIS003 He does have consequences but it's not as simple as that.
His dad won't come.

I have a half an hour video call with the social worker tomorrow so I'll see what is said.

We had the meeting.

I pointed out that there is no way their dad does 50/50 & that until recently, he only did 3/4 nights a month & nothing in between. I said it might sound petty but I've done this all alone & I want it noted.
He came twice when the police called him themselves, from my home, & told him to get here & help me.

School are still insisting that no EHCP is needed & said it will just be refused because they will simply say that he is fine at school.

Social worker is a bit on the fence about this, because school keep saying how worried they are about his sister, & if we weren't seeing these behaviours at home, due to what is going on at school, then they wouldn't need to be worried about his sister.

I said I would still like to at least do the application for the EHCP & see what happens.

My son has told me that he's upset about the noise of other children, & having to sit & do nothing when he finishes an exam. This 'doing nothing' after a test has always been a problem & his year 5 teacher used to let him have a book, but school no longer allow this.

Social worker told me to write an email stating what my son has said about this week, so I've just done this & sent it to school.

*Noise of other children
*Something to do after the exam
*A quick chat with LSA or somebody at the start of the day just to reassure him that it will be ok, as that's all it took, from school, on Monday. (From myself, doesn't work)
I ended with
*On Monday, he was sat on the concrete outside the office, refusing to move. This isn't a child who is 'fine'.

(Noted by myself on Monday morning that there were only 2 other year 6 parents in the office that day, asking about exams, & both of their children have autism, but my son is 'fine'.)

Social worker said that we need to do this 'Family solutions' & they can 'Add their voice' to the ECHP arguement.

She said that me saying I want the kids to live elsewhere if it's better for them, has been noted as coming from a place of love & not a place that every parent can get to themselves unfortunately, that the best place for their kids might not be with them. But as far as SS are concerned, I need support, I don't need the children to be removed.

I suppose that's meant to bring me some comfort.

I asked, again, for some clarity on what I'm supposed to be doing when he is violent, if I'm not supposed to shut him in his room. Sympathetic nodding & 'You Always ask this question don't you' (Yes & I never get an answer)

Oh & Social worker 'Doesn't know' who I can get, as a professional, to help me fill in the ND form now, but she 'Doesn't think' that she can do it from her side

The meeting was fine but it's very much 'Ok, tell me what you are upset about. Uh-huh. Anything else? Ok great'. Nothing actually got even a little bit sorted.

If he is complaining about noise would he maybe consider trialling ear defenders or noise blocking ear buds?

I would ask school to complete a PLP for him based on his emotional and social needs. This could include him having noise blocking ear protection, time out to de-stress, alternatives to sitting still at the end of tests and help from a member of staff for the beginning of day (and end of day) transition, quiet spaces at break times and anything else he thinks might help him regulate. They should include zones of regulation resources to help him learn to recognise his triggers and prevent him getting so stressed at school that he melts down at home. There are parent guides for this too that may help you help him express his feelings to you at home (the school could provide you with the same resource they use at school to assist with this).

https://senac.co.uk/advice/what-is-an-iep-individual-education-plan/

https://zonesofregulation.com/how-it-works/

re: ND forms the GP can do it but they would likely ask the SENCO, social worker and other professionals for evidence. I suspect most of the evidence will be what you submit plus GP letter and social care. That is why a really good list of examples of his needs/behaviours will help you (issues with noise at school, not being able to sit still in silence after an exam and struggling with the transition into school in the morning are three more examples).

Also I don't know what your financial situation is but have you considered speaking to a private educational psychologist? This lady offers to discuss concerns before committing to an assessment so may be of help as local to your area.

www.honeybee-psychology.co.uk/families/

Thank you Choconuttolata. Yes I think I'll have to go through the GP.

I think he already has one of those, it's with his end of year report but it never really says anything, just that he's on the SEN register.

The interesting/frustrating thing is that when I speak to his teacher she says things like 'We know he likes to sit by a window, needs to be away from certain noises' etc but this just seems to be things that the teachers 'do', if that makes sense, his year 5 teacher was the same. They don't actually write them down as any plan or anything though. So they don't 'note' it as anything different to any other child, I suppose.

I'm going to see if I can speak to his teacher next week. Just desperately hoping that she's picked up on 'Something' from him this week.

So the irony is that he is ‘fine’ at school but on the SEN register! It is clear that school do not have the expertise to be able to fully identify how special educational needs and he does need a full needs assessment. Please apply - try ipsea or SOSSEN for support. Do a parental request. It will be refused. You can appeal this. Hopefully this will make you feel empowered and you will get some more understanding around his needs and your son will get support to help himself feel more regulated, especially with the upcoming phase transition. And you can show school they were wrong!

imip He's been on it for years but I'm not sure what for as it doesn't seem to change anything!

When the Senco did her part of the ND form, she wrote 'He's on the SEN register but purely because of his behaviour at home'.

I was really negative about the school to the social worker earlier, she was surprised by how the head teacher was with me the other day & the things she said about my son.

I'm going to keep trying with IPSEA.

That’s a bit odd, right!? School should be saying well we think he has SEN (hence on the SEN register) why don’t we get an EP to assess him. I actually think this would be in your favour if you were to go to tribunal.

The school don't think he is autistic, they believe the mum just panders to him and that if she were firmer he wouldn't be violent.
They are very clearly wrong but sometimes a position becomes entrenched. I know a case of a child who had serious neurological issues and eating issues but because the mum was not very capable it all got labelled as attention seeking.
Honestly please please move schools op. I know you didn't want to believe me months ago but every time you post I see it screaming out at me.
The year 7 senco will not talk to you apart from on open evening until you have been offered a place in March, then they should meet.
I know many kids with ehcps who have far less needs than your son. Keep pushing
Move schools or wait for the next school to help. This one won't and will continue to actively block you.

Boomboom The school said Autism & PDA to me in the first place. They put this in my head.

I wasn't sure about the new school talking to me either but the email when we went to the open evening, said that we can go & have a look round just for the parents, we just have to let them know so that's what I've been trying to arrange. When I realised that this doesn't seem to be happening though, I thought I'd try the Senco specifically now & see what happens/if anything happens.

I don't know what's going on with school but the head teacher was different with me the other day. My son's dad was surprised when I told him, he actually asked if I meant the Senco as she's usually the harsh one! As was the social worker.

The head teacher did tell me to keep calling the police so maybe I should, it doesn't do my MH any good though when I have to argue with the call handler to even send somebody. When I told her this she said 'Ask them what they think you should do then when you are being physically assaulted'

I feel very happy with his actual teacher/all of the LSA's so that's something.
I expect I'll get some hate on here for this but I'm not looking at moving his school now, if things get bad I'll take him out. We've survived this week (& Christ, was this week difficult!)

imip The whole situation is odd isn't it! I obviously don't know any difference but from what I gather on here I mean!

I had a response from the Senco in answer to my email the other day. It simply states 'We can discuss an EHCP at the next meeting'.

Nope. Not good enough, & the 'Discussion' will be them telling me that he is 'fine' & doesn't need one. I'm not waiting 7 weeks (that's when the next meeting is) just for that.

I contacted Sendiass again on Friday, & Scope. Scope said they can't help but have put me in touch with Suffolk parent carer forum.

I've requested to speak with my son's teacher so that's happening tomorrow. I just need her to tell me that she noticed 'Something' last week!

I'm ignoring the Senco. Next time she rings me & says my daughter has disclosed something at school & they are doing another safeguarding referral, I might just say 'But I thought you said that he was 'fine'.

They were at their dads this weekend & when they came back yesterday we were busy doing the Christmas dec's so it's been calm.

Just a slight issue this morning when his sister asked him if he's feeling ok & he flipped out at her, saying that he can't talk about his feelings.