Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you Mrshairyhead I've already done that. Can I ask, how did things get better for you?

Counselling with Barnardo's is all arranged starting next week.

Tonight was the first 'Big' meltdown we've had for a while. Unfortunately, due to his sister having her Birthday a few days ago, he went straight for her new toys, kicked the hell out of one of them, so I had to get him instantly to his room today.

This was very difficult, it took a good few minutes, I've got a lot of bruises, his absolute aim was to kick me down the stairs,

He kept saying 'You don't know how difficult it is for me to be good all the time, you don't know how hard this is for me'. Those words are significant I think. He also kept telling me to 'Just kill me now & tell them that I asked you to'.

I heard from Social worker today. Simply 'Yes, meeting arranged next week (time & date)'

I noticed that it's on the day when my son's teacher isn't in, so she won't be there. Bit gutted about that as she saw the scissors incident & seems to be really 'On it' with noticing things tbh.

Hi struggles - just a quick correction. School don’t get to decide on EHCPs - not up to them and I even doubt that they understand the legal threshold!

because everything seems to be going to rack and ruin in this country in education, I would push for it still with school as it may be the only support you can get (it will include a social care assessment). I suggest this for the assessment part of the process, which is statutory, not actually for the plan as the end goal.

He is now telling you that he is masking - he really needs some support with emotional regulation. This is what I would be asking for in your meeting - and a decent transition plan for secondary (incidentally, applying for an EHCP can take into account the transition to a new phase of education and your concerns about him coping).

good much with the counselling tomorrow!

Next week 🙄 tomorrow is the weekend!

Thank you imip. I know, I stood outside his bedroom door hearing him cry & saying those words & all I kept thinking was... 'I hear you, I've ran out of people to ask to help us, I don't know who to turn to, but I hear you, & I know that those words are MASSIVELY important'.

After the meltdown yesterday, I did manage to say to him, as I always do, that we all get cross, we all get angry, we all feel annoyed, but what's not ok is the violence & the trashing the house. I also added, this time, that I heard what he was saying about how hard he's been trying, & I had noticed how hard he's been trying, & that I'm so proud of him for that.

The assessment has been done by SS now, I've received the paperwork but it's like a statement of everything that's happened so far really. It says on there the thing about me wanting an EHCP & school doesn't think it's necessary.

I will bring up the EHCP in the meeting next week (again) but I don't imagine, if school are against it & SS are against it, that I will get very far.

His dad has been invited but I don't know if he will come, & if he does, I don't imagine he will say much other than trying to paint himself in a great light.

We aren't a united front with things right now, for various reasons. But what does that matter, it's always been just me fighting for my son & that will continue to be.

My other plan for next week is, I'm going to ask specifically to meet the Senco from my son's (hopefully) future high school (As they've never called me back to confirm a 'normal' parent meeting, so I'm going to specifically ask for the Senco now)

I'm not sure how the counselling will go, I'm ambivalent about it. When I spoke to the counsellor on the phone, he was saying that he's going to go down the route of saying to my son 'I know you feel ashamed & I know you feel distressed about your behaviour' I just told him that he won't be 'Showing' those emotions, he will only be showing that he thinks it's funny (Obviously I'm assuming, as we haven't started counselling yet, but that's how he normally is, he will either stare at the floor & say nothing or be laughing about 'Trying to kill mum')

Another parent noticed that he was 'Heightened' when he came out of school on Thursday, & spoke to me about it yesterday. I don't feel the significance, with other people 'Seeing' it now. I used to be all 'Yes! Somebody saw it! There's some more proof that it's real!' But now I'm more like 'Ok, somebody else noticed. Changes nothing'.

Counselling was ok. My son came out of school very upset as there had been a change of routine. Then I told him we had this session on the iPad & he took himself to his room, hid under the blanket, begged not to do it & cried

I asked him if he would just try & if he hated it then he could stop... So he did. So proud of him. Breaks my heart, making him do this stuff

So he snuggled in the corner, hiding his head in his teddy. Didn't really speak. Did 'Thumbs up/down' in response. Laughed when the therapist said about him feeling bad when things are heightened. Therapist had some you skulls in the background, & he whispered to me 'That is your head when I've cut it off'.

He was a little heightened after but has been generally ok.

As for me, I hadn't thought at all about how I'd feel. I found it INCREDIBLY difficult

therapist was asking me how I feel when things are heightened (my son is stood behind the ipad at this point, doing the cutting my throat motion & laughing) & I froze. Couldn't answer. It took me straight back to the Stronger therapy's sessions (which I suppose it would, I just hadn't worked that out in my head yet!)

I told the therapist about Stronger families & he asked why the sessions were so difficult. Again, I struggled to answer this with my son standing there. So I ended up texting him after & telling him the answers to his questions, & why I couldn't answer them in front of my son (As, me talking about him negatively like that starts a meltdown)

Myself & stronger families had a long WhatsApp thread for after the sessions, the things that I felt I couldn't say during, & I guess this will be the same.

The one thing that he said that annoyed me, was that I should lock myself in the kitchen when I cook. Luckily I wasn't on camera at this point as I rolled my eyes. I mean, it's not an option anyway as there's no door on the kitchen. I know why he said it, so that my son doesn't have access to Knives, ever. It's just not practical. Meal times are already high-stress times without me locking myself away & leaving the kids too it.

I've been feeling alone & that I wish I had somebody to talk these feelings through with, but it's ok. I'll manage. One session down.

It might be wise to start putting your knives in a lock box. It is a real pain in the arse (we have had one for about three years. We keep it unlocked now but use it so that we can easily lock it when times are tough.

It’s never felt more clear to me that your son threatens you when things feel out of his control. I mean it is classic PDA. His threat to kill you is the only way to have some control. My PDA daughter told me the other day that if we were in the position where I had to save her life that she would hate me if I did save her because she could not live with being indebted to me! I tried to explain it on so many angles - that the natural order of things is that parents do not outlive their children (she is aware I have had a stillborn baby also).

I agree that you should not have to lock yourself in the kitchen - that is dangerous and reckless advice. I think the counsellor is trying to risk manage the situation. Honestly, I don’t think the counsellor will be that helpful for you - you need neuro adapted counselling. But you do have to work with what you have got. This is all very important in getting evidence for the assessment.

Have you looked up PDA parenting strategies before? May be useful to employ just a couple and see if it makes any difference.

Thank you imip Thank you for sharing what you've been through, & are going through. They are a confusing bunch at times aren't they!

Yes I'm trying PDA strategies. We do have a lock box, that was what the counsellor was asking, how does he get hold of the knives in the first place, so I said I have to use a knife for cooking etc, much as I'm trying, I just need a knife sometimes, & that's when he gets hold of them (not that he does much now, 95% of the time they are in the lock box)

The box is kept hidden in my room as there simply isn't any storage for it downstairs, so that adds another layer to things (There really isn't anywhere downstairs, the Social worker also tried, & failed, to find a place for it)

The next session is supposed to only be with my son so we will see.

I don't think it's going to be helpful either, as my son just isn't going to talk to him like he wants him too, but it's a 'tick box' exercise really isn't it.

School meeting on Wednesday.

Hi Struggles, I’d hope the psychologist will learn lots about your son by observing him during the sessions. So even if your son gets nothing out of it, hopefully the psychologist will develop a greater understanding of your issues and feed them back to the Bernardo’s team.

Slightly random but you can buy lots of frozen pre chopped vegetables. I am a recent convert to frozen chopped onions, soffritto and garlic. I’ve also seen frozen chopped peppers in Tesco. Makes bolognaise, chilli, casserole etc easy to prepare without a knife. I know you’ll need one for some things but might help minimise your risk.

Thank you Girlattheback I was thinking that, wondering if him hiding into his teddy 'Shows' anything etc, but I'll drive myself crazy trying to work things like that out!

The chopped veg is a good idea, thank you. Unfortunately we don't have much freezer space though.

I know I said on the last post that the school meeting is Wednesday but it's Thursday. I'm soooo nervous about this one. Their dad has said that he's coming. He hasn't seen a copy of the 'Plan'. I told him there's several parts which makes me sound like a crappy parent & he was just 'Oh ok'. He didn't say 'No you aren't' or anything.

The school meeting was an absolute disaster but that's nothing new.

Social worker announced that me & his dad do 50/50 care. Er, since when was 8 overnights a month & no school drop offs/pick ups, 50/50?!

But I wasn't really sure how much to go into, about the things that are 'Wrong' in the plan, & how much care his dad does, as it was a school meeting & they don't really need to hear that do they!

I mentioned an EHCP & listed my reasons why, including how he was at the high-school open evening, 2 incidents this week where he's been in floods of tears in the playground after holding it in all day, & one of being upset in the morning, due to a change of routine coming up that day. She wrote them all down & then changed the subject.

She asked what else I have written down, I said that I'd done the 'Trauma' parenting course & it says quite clearly that I'm suffering with trauma & shrugged, then she was all... 'Wait, don't just shrug that off, why are you shrugging it off?' So I said 'Because it doesn't matter how much I'm struggling, the focus is on the kids, as it should be'.

She said she will do a home visit with me to 'Unpick' this. Answering emails/phoning me back might make me feel less unworthy.

I asked what I should do about the ND paperwork now as I don't know who can fill in the professional side with me, she said she will go through that when she next sees me.

School did their usual 'We are doing absolutely everything, our hands are tied with what more we can do'.

I told them that we started the Barnardos counselling & that it was very difficult for my son, that he cried, hid & made killing motions to me behind the Ipad. Social worker said 'We didn't really want counselling for him, did we?' School said nothing even though last meeting they said that, in their opinion, he needs 'Extensive counseling'.

His dad didn't add anything.

I think a shrug, is the perfect end to that shit-show.

Any tips for getting through this week with the mock exams?
It's absolute hell so far, he just can't handle it

You need to speak to the school. Have they made any reasonable adjustments for him to sit the paper, sitting in a separate room to everyone else, extra time, regular breaks to help manage his stress levels during the paper?

Also if doing SATS is too stressful for him and his behaviour is escalating due to it there are options for a teacher assessment grade to provide information for the secondary school and they can submit a code U for the actual SATS tests which is for students performing at the standard of the test but unable to access the test. They are not mandatory and it will not affect his future schooling to not sit the tests. Secondary often complete their own assessments in year 7 anyway and are used to doing this for children coming from other countries into UK schooling.

Hi Choconuttolata. Thank you.

I burst into tears at the school gate today, after another 2 hours of violence towards me from my son this morning, ending with him storming out of the house without his bag/coat etc. Luckily he was at school.

Head teacher rushed me inside & was quite harsh about my son. 'He just needs to build up some resilience, what's he going to do, have his mum bring his coat to high school as he's gone off in a huff?'

I think she expected me to agree with her but I just sat there & sobbed for a few minutes, whilst she feebly told me that a lot of the kids have struggled this week... I found my voice & said 'But I bet the other kids havn't beaten the crap out of their mum every morning & every evening since Sunday'.

I have a bruised cheekbone, which sounds silly but it's very tender to even wipe a tissue over it. And bruised fingers/knuckles from being smacked with a hard-back book, so I'm struggling to bend the fingers on one hand, & a huge bruise in the side of my hip, which is right at my waist-band & hurts whenever I move my leg. As well as the usual, my arms look like a leopard they are so dotted with bruises.

Anyway, she's not willing to help with anything, she asked if his dad can take him & I keep his sister. I actually laughed at this point & said 'Right here, right now, I'd let anybody take him'.

She said something like 'Theres a lot more exams & tough times coming up so he will just have to toughen up' & something switched in my mind from 'He has to go to school' to 'Fuck it. Let him stay home then'.

She said that I'm not making enough fuss to SS, because as far as they are concerned, I'm coping fine.

Coping fine, that's why I asked for help back in August? & why I've sent 5 emails since the 9th saying that I need a home meeting & need some help (all have gone ignored, of course)

I don't even know where my head is at anymore. I struggled to walk back from school, I wanted to stop & just die. Hard to.explain. I just didn't want to carry on anymore.

She said that she will email the social worker & tell her to call me today. I've sat here with my notebook & pen, & heard nothing.

My son is with his dad tonight & I hope he at least has a bit of calm in his mind, there, as he must be as exhausted & stressed as I am, X1000. I just want him to be ok. He seems calmer at the moment, when he isn't with me, so I'm hoping for that for him tonight.

Sending big virtual hugs, honestly I don't know how you are putting one foot in front of the other. It is testament to the love you have for your son.

You need to get an emergency appointment with your GP and explain how you are feeling. They can also document your injuries. Screenshot the emails you have sent to social care and show them. They can escalate to social care. The unmet needs of your child are now leading to a deterioration in your mental health. This is something I have seen time and time again.

The headteacher is a joke, she is behaving as if he is a neurotypical child which is clearly not the case. The average year 6 child gets stressed over SATS but this is beyond that by far. If you have any energy I would complain to both the governors and also speak to the SEND department of the council. Do not pull him out of school because they will wash their hands of him and you, the council have a duty to provide him with an education that meets his needs.

Have you spoken to IPSEA at all?

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/contact-ipsea#:~:text=Telephone%3A%2001799%20582030%20(Please%20note,SEND%2C%20please%20contact%20our%20helplines.

There is also SENDIASS in your region

https://suffolksendiass.co.uk/

Thank you, yes I was reading Sendiass last night, whilst I desperately looked through my phone for somebody who might care.

I don't think I've spoken to IPSEA, I'll have a look.

I did have an over the phone (all I can get) chat with the GP the other day. She prescribed sleeping tablets but said I can only take them on calm evenings, to give them enough time to wear off for the morning. She asked if I'm signed off sick because I need to be, I said that I already am.

She phoned back the next day & I went through everything about my son, she then said 'I'm so sorry darling, I feel desperately sad to tell you this but at the moment there is nothing more we can do. He has to finish the counselling with Barnardo's & then, depending on the findings from that, we can look at refering on to a psychologist'. I just said 'Ok. Fine'. & hung up.

Thank you for the support. I've fought sleep all day, because I just want to go to sleep & never wake up, & I know that wouldn't be fair to my son, or my daughter. I'll hang on for now. But I don't know what I'm hanging on for.

The GP appointment I am suggesting is for you not about your son. It was more about your suicidal thoughts and your injuries. I think you need access to mental health support for you as someone to listen and be there for you. I am worried about how you say you are feeling. That in itself is another reason for social care to be providing more support.

I'm so sorry, like I said before this school just wont help, they have decided you are exaggerating and are stopping ss from seeing the severity of the situation. Is there no way you could move schools? The head and senco just sound beyond useless. Normally they'd be all over it way before this. They do need to report the new bruises and reports from you every time.

The head teacher asked if his dad could take him and you keep his sister ?
It sounds like your is really violent towards you and you are struggling may be this could be an option ?
How does he behave with his dad ? Can he control him ?
If he can, maybe he could go and stay with him for a bit full time to give you and your daughter a break ?

CHRIS003 His dad won't have him full time. Even if he did (which he won't) my son would still be violent towards me when he saw me, as everything is my fault so it would be my fault for 'Sending him away'. Or something, & I'd of only done that because I hate him, so it would fuel his thoughts that I hate him

His dad can't control him, no, but he only shows half the violence there, that he does towards me. His dad has his wife so one thing he does have, is somebody to sit with his sister. Whereas I only have me.

Boomboom She's never taken any photos of my bruises before, they do a safeguarding referral when his sister tells them something, but not me. His sister generally only confirms what I've already told them though.

Choconuttolata The first appointment was for me, where she gave me the sleeping tablets, we then had a separate appointment to talk about my son.

Can you take some photos yourself and start a diary of your injuries to show to the GP/social care?

Also have you thought about getting a Ring type camera set up in the main living areas to record his behaviour so you can show them?

Choconuttolata I do need some sort of secret camera, yes. I've tried to do it on my phone but if my phone is anywhere he can see it then it's a target for him to fling/stamp on/hide. If he sees it recording he's instantly running out of sight of it & then shouting 'Ow! Your hurting me!'

I've recorded him through his shut bedroom door before but I'm reluctant to show people those as, as I've previously said, they tell me not to shut him in his room so will probably say he's only in such distress because I've shut him in his room.

He came out of school in a hell of a bad mood, carrying on from this morning. Everything's my fault like usual. Also, he already had his coat in school, I didn't take it to him. He did badly on his tests & that's my fault.

The Social worker never called me.

They are at their dads now, I've just dropped them off, I've walked in & started typing this & he is already text me saying that they are arguing. I can't switch off. Doesn't help that literally every part of my body aches.

All I want is for him to text me & tell me that he's ok. I know he's not ok, mentally, but I just want them to have a calmer night than the last 3 have been.

I am really wondering whether it might be useful to call the CAMHS crisis line when he is really melting down.

I hate the way schools talk about resilience, they have got the whole idea wrong!

imip I think you said that to me before & I forgot about it. I was looking at online chat for Camhs today but it was for the child not the parent. That was when I first got home from school, after that, I realised that i couldn't deal with things, mentally, today, so I tucked them all away.

It's all 'You hate me, you wish I was dead, you've never loved me, I wish I could die' & it's so distressing for me to hear. But obviously more distressing for him.