Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

I went through special needs assessments with my son when he was child and we had good teachers and not so good ones when dealing with school but the one thing teachers do have- is that they deal with many children over many years in some cases, so they are in a good position to comment on your son in terms of comparison with other kids - the SENCO is only called to comment on what she sees at school. Behaviour in general - educational attainment & interaction with teachers. I am sure things have changed in 20 years but when my son was being assessed the school would not have put him on a sen register
based solely on Behaviour at home you are actually very fortunate that the school are interested in his behaviour at home this certainly wasn't the case years ago.
Maybe you need to look at the battles you need to fight ? Accept what the school are saying and wait for his new school to do an assessment as they do with all year 7 then they will tell you whether they think he has any extra need- in my experience secondary school was really good with my son and tbh he enjoyed the wider curriculum and the extra challenges of different subjects,the teachers
also liked him. because he was on the autistic spectrum he could be given a task and he would get on with it so the teachers would give him extra responsibilities like volunteering around school etc, you may find your sons behaviour improves if the secondary school gives him responsibilities etc.

CHRIS003 I'm not making it a battle with school, I'm talking to his teacher because, like you said, she is with him day-to day & the Senco isn't.

The Senco wrote on his assessment paper 'On the Sen register purely because of his behaviour at home', I don't know if that's true or not but it's what has been written.

I don't want to just accept what school are saying & wait until September because my son isn't going to be able to handle doing his exams. He isn't going to manage mentally & emotionally & I will suffer physically, & his sister will then suffer mentally & emotionally too.

Also the waiting lists are so long, if I can get him back on the ND assessment list now it will only be a good thing.

He already has lots of 'Jobs' to do, they already do that for him & have done since year 5. He gets the books ready for everybody in the morning, is rubbish collector & things like that.

The Senco in school will write her reports based on what his teacher tells her -
She will be the overall co- ordinator but they get reports from your child's class teacher.
As for exams in year 6 - my daughter didn't do year 6 at primary because I took her out of school due to severe bullying that primary school couldn't deal with - I home schooled and she didn't sit any exams - when the time came for transfer to secondary I was really worried she would be put in all the lowest sets particularly
In maths etc - the school arranged a meeting with the Head of year 7 who asked me to bring in her home school work. I went in there feeling like I was the one being marked lol! She had a quick look at her work at told me she working at a
Normal range level for year 7 and put her into a mid range set for September intake - so despite what the primary school tell you exams in year 6 don't really mean anything - they are mostly done for the schools benefit so they look good in the local league tables. If it is making him so anxious - pull him out of school and teach him home until September or if that is not possible just tell the school you don't want him to sit the exams as it making him too anxious.
Education is compulsory but school is not. So you can provide this at home - one of my sons friends had severe anxiety, bullying at secondary school and problems at home in his case, caring for younger brothers and sisters because his mum was ill he was allowed to home school with a part-time tutor and went into school for a few lessons - he went on to university.
So you should not worry yourself too much about if he is struggling with year 6 exams.Both my kids had their struggles at school but both have come out the otherside and are doing well as adults.

Thank you CHRIS003 It's always nice to hear an eventual success story!

It's so difficult with my son because if he knows that he's supposed to be at school then he won't easily stay at home, even if I was to try & teach him at home. He's just so rigid in his 'Today is a school-day'. I did keep him off last Tuesday after her was in such a state on the Monday (They actually phoned me to go & pick him up on the Monday as he'd made himself sick)

Lockdown was absolute hell for him as he so wanted to be at school.

So that's where my worry comes in really, I'm not fussed about him doing his exams but I know that he is, & will be for the next ones but also he won't want to miss them.

I've spoken to his teacher, she's marked his papers & he's right where the should be but she agreed that that's not going to be good enough for him

She asked if it's the noise of other children or the scratching of pencils & I said I honestly don't know as all I could get out of him was the 'noise of the other children'.

She's going to see if he will talk to her & call me back.

She said she's so nervous about speaking to him as she knows that it sets him off at home but I said it's fine, honestly, if it all goes to.hell tonight but we are one step further forward at school then that's ok.

He spoke to the teacher & they've decided between them that he can have an extra 10 minutes with each exam, so instead of just staring down at the paper for the whole time, which was stressing him out, he now has a break halfway through, & an extra 10 minutes in all. And they are doing that for each exam going forwards.

Teacher said 'An EHCP won't change anything as he isn't allowed a book or something to do at the end, EHCP or not, he just isn't allowed'.

He came out of school in an awful mood, having run off again upset about something, to school this morning. This afternoon he's upset that it's 'No pens' day tomorrow & he will have extra work to do because of this (& this is of course my fault) & he's also upset about practicing his Christmas show tomorrow. Lots of tears about this one.

Small gains, they have agreed some reasonable adjustments for his exam. They are right exam conditions are exam conditions and no EHCP will change that, but hopefully the breaks will help him regulate.

It is good that he is starting to communicate with teachers about what he is struggling with and what he needs.

You need to make a note of his distress at it being 'no pens' day and also the Christmas performance on your list of traits for the ND referral forms. Both are a change in routine and also in demand placed on him that he is anxious about.

My DS often cannot cope with all the changes around Christmas time at school, school have agreed he does not have to do the singing in the performance or any spoken part, but he has been encouraged to do the music and play some percussion if he would like to. This is with the understanding that if he needs to be taken out of the practice or the performance because he can't cope that is ok too.

Encourage him to talk to his teacher about his anxiety around the pens change and the performance, hopefully they can come up with some adjustments that will help him particularly around the performance.

Thank you Choconuttolata. Yes, over-all it was a positive day. His teacher always seems pleased to speak to me, calls me as soon as I ask & has a lot to say (unlike the social worker who just asks what I want to say for a tick-box exercise, it feels)

He seemed genuinely confused about his own anxieties today, he went in to school looking forward to no pens day now.

Last year he had 6 lines to read out for the Christmas play but he got himself into such a state about it that they shortened it to 3 lines. (& that didn't come from me, they saw themselves how much he struggled, & changed it off their own backs)

Sendiass have been in touch to say that an advisor is going to call me.

I'm having a major wobble about the EHCP today & don't know why I'm pushing for it. I feel like at every single turn there is an obstacle & somebody else saying 'No'. I was trying to work out, in my mind, if all of this could be wrong. So it's not trauma, & it's not Autism or any ND, so what is it then? Is he just a badly behaved child? Or what else? What does everybody think it is if it's not ND or trauma?

I could drive myself crazy with those thoughts but that's where my head is at today.

I had some tears yesterday re the Christmas performance, for him. I used to be so scared of doing things like that as a child. It's just so hard to comfort him because any reassuring words &, if he's in the 'wrong' mindset then he's just screaming at me that I don't understand him/the situation & if he doesn't hear me say 'I can fix this, you don't have to do it', then that sends him into a rage of 'Why did I bother to tell you if you won't fix it?!

At least the school can see his anxieties over the exams and the school play etc.
He seems to have an extreme response to wanting to do well - on the one hand wanting to go to school but on the other hand finding it stressful - my daughter was like this in year 4 / 5 and I home schooled in year 6 due to bullying that was not being addressed by the school - does your son experience any bullying ?
There maybe something going on in school that he is not telling you about.
My daughter didn't tell me everything that went on only the edited highlights and the worst bits,even now years later she will tell me things this one girl did that she didn't tell me about at the time- she says she felt that what ever was tried wasn't working so there was no point in telling me every little thing but her anxieties were through the roof every morning getting her into school. Was hard work.with her it came out physically feeling ill tummy ache etc.
On the surface she was happy sociable had a circle of friends played outside with kids down the street,but from Sunday night onwards a nightmare to get her to school the problem was some teachers recognised the bullying and did things to help but others helped the girl who was doing the bullying trying to help because she had " problems at home" my daughter wasn't the only kid that had probs with this child but for some reason she singled her out more, my daughter was given the role of her buddy when she was new to school and we think this is why turned on her friendship once she had settled In.
Is it possible that your son is experiencing a bully ?
For my daughter this all changed when she went to secondary - the other girl went to another school - my daughter had been due to go to the same school because of the catchment area but luckily my older son had got into another school due to his extra learning support needs which meant that she got into that one due to being a sibling, but I couldn't promise her she was going to her brothers school until it was confirmed by the education authority so even when she was home schooled she didn't really relax until she knew this was confirmed.
She went on to enjoy and thrive at secondary once this person was removed from her school life.

CHRIS003 Your poor daughter. That must have been so stressful for her. They sound very similar.

I don't think he's being bullied, as far as I know. When he was, he did tell me, so I can only hope that now he's stared to open up to people a little, then he'd still tell me/somebody.

I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything, no. And when he does tell me, then unless I say 'Ok you never have to (whatever) again', then he goes full-on meltdown screaming that there's no point telling me anything as nothing ever changes & I never fix anything.

That being said, if my solution was to be 'Ok you never have to go to school again', that would be wrong too as he'd know that's where he's 'supposed to be'.

He does have a very extreme reaction to not being 100% in everything. English is his weakness (not that he's bad at it it just doesn't come naturally like Maths does) & during lockdown he was constantly flipping because he would get one comment back about his English which wasn't 100% positive & that would ruin his entire day/evening.

I had a lovely phonecall with somebody from Sendiass. I feel like this is what I've needed all along, she's gone through everything with me, explained exactly why I still need to do it even though school say he's 'fine', I'm confident with doing the form now, & I know what I'm doing it 'For'.

Oh I am so glad that Sendiass was helpful, it can be a mixed bag but is always worth trying. They will have local knowledge which can be just invaluable.

imip Yes it's made me feel so much better, & it was a lot easier for me than an email. She was asking all these questions & I was feeling really defensive because the Senco asks all this stuff & then just shuts me down, so I had to remind myself that Sendiass are there to help & to let my guard down a little

In other news, Social worker is very odd as I've heard from her twice in one week! She's asking what's going on with the ND referal & if my son's been put back on the list based on the evidence that myself & support worker sent back in July...

Little bit frustrating because I told her at the school meeting AND on our video call that nothings happening now, he's off the list & I need to do a new application but need a 'professional'. And I've also sent her the email from Barnardo's stating all of this, before she asked me today.

I had a long chat with my son's counsellor earlier. He said that it's standard to not give me any kind of feed-back at the end of the sessions, which I thought was a bit odd.

Anyway, he says he's certain that my son is suffering from 'Either Autism or trauma'.

He said that my son needs me by his side & I'm his absolute security, his comfort blanket.

He said that he'd like to extend the sessions to do more than the 8 (we've done 4 so far)
I told him that he can ask my son this but I'm not sure what the reaction will be as he's counting down the sessions as it is, & he finds them very stressful (although tonight's was the first one where we didn't have tears before hand)

The only thing that bothers me a bit about the sessions is, he has my son chose items & then he says 'I think that you chose this because of 'This' reason', & my son nods, but to me it feels a bit like he is putting words into my son's mouth & I think that he could say the object means anything, & my son would just nod along.

He said that he wants to extend the sessions as he knows that I've been badly let down by Barnardo's so far & he wants to finally give me an answer as to what is going on in my son's mind, & to what I can do to help him. Obviously this is what I'm desperately wanting, but I just don't see how he's going to be able to do it just by talking to him through a screen once a week.

He asked if I'd consent to doing some sessions just me & him & I said of course I will, I will do whatever it takes to help my son & I did solo sessions with the Stronger family's therapist as well.

For various reasons, I was certain that tonight would bring a meltdown & I've been pleasantly surprised. I'm sat in bed writing this, trying to relax my mind a little.

This all sounds really positive Struggles. Extra sessions will allow your son more of a chance to build a relationship with the counsellor and hopefully feel more comfortable to open up with him. It sounds like he wants to support you too.

Your son not having a meltdown might mean that he has adjusted now to having these appointments and the counsellor, so even more reason to keep going with them if he can.

Give him time to think about the sessions going on for longer as early as possible and before the next appointment. He may be negative at first, but then change his mind once he has had time to process the change.

Thank you Choconuttolata. The counsellor didn't mention the extra sessions to my son in the end, so I havn't either. He was saying to him 'So we've had this many & we've got this many left, is that correct?' I think just seeing how my son would react. I told him on the phone that my son obsesses about times as well & if somebody comes to the house then he will stand there with the timer & tell them how many seconds late/early they are.

The sessions were supposed to be an hour but we've stuck to 45 mins & I think that's perfect. They were difficult for me to begin with but they aren't too bad now. I really like the counselor too & I just never really 'took' to the Stronger Family's therapist (understatement!) As I always felt judged, but I don't with this one, So that's a positive too.

I had the support worker do the extra sessions with myself & stronger family's as I didn't want to do them alone, but I'm happy to do these ones alone.

My son is really needing his 'Safe space' the past few days, he's needing to sit by himself with a blanket & read a book even if it's just for a few mins before we go out.

Also we were out most of the day today & he took himself off at one point & did some of the activity alone.

I'm so proud of him, he's doing what he needs, getting ready to face the day.

That is really positive too about him using his safe space to self calm before going out. Transitions are hard, all of the autistic people in my house struggle with leaving to go out and manifest different behaviours as an avoidance strategy. They all have their ways to self calm and manage the transition, I also have to assist them all in different ways. Sounds like your son and you have figured out something that helps him, well done 👍

Choconuttolata It's a balancing act. I can't mention it to him as he will deny/get angry. Last Christmas his dad got him a load of fidget toys & kept saying 'You like stuff like that don't you? You need things like that don't you?' & my son kept shaking his head.

What I have to do when he gets his book, is keep his sister away & or let us leave a bit later, do things like that to let him have his time when he needs it.

This is just a ranty post really.

The Stronger Families sessions are listed on our SS plan as 'Finishing early'. I queried this as I stuck it out through every damn session & it was the hardest thing we've ever had to do, but we did whatever was asked of us (including extra sessions with just myself & the therapist)

So, turns out that every time the therapist messed us around (& there was a LOT of that) then that was marked down as ME not attending!!!

I am beyond furious. I just sent all of the screen shots of all of our WhatsApp conversations where HE changed the sessions, to the Social worker.

They read terribly! It's like
Monday 'Hello, can I change the session on Tuesday?' Me 'Ok, we can do Wednesday?' 'Yes fine'

(Wednesday morning) 'Actually I'm sorry but I can't do today now, can we do next week?'

Me replying instantly 'Ok, which day?'
Thursday 'Can we have a day for next week?'
Friday 'Can we have a day for next week?'

Next week.

Monday, Me 'Hello, which day are we doing?'
Him 'Sorry, I'm on A/L this week'.

No chance in hell am I having that listed on our file as ME missing the sessions!!!

I would be livid, not only have they as professionals failed to provide you and your family with the support that was promised, but then they pass the buck 🤬. Glad you have proof to show the SW that it was not you who didn't attend.

I know, Choconuttolata. The SW said that she looked at the file & just assumed all of the missing sessions were because I'd cancelled them.

I said that there really should be some note on our file about how half of the battle with these sessions were that my son needs routine & the therapist kept changing them around & messing up the routine!

She said that she had been made aware by the support worker that the therapist changed some of them.

This is the first time where I've felt like she's gone instantly to... 'Ok so the mum is in the wrong'. Instead of even questioning it.

How do I do a parental request for an EHCP plan?

Can somebody post a link for me to just click through? Sendiass said its on Gov. UK but I must be missing it as I can only find 'info' on there.

We've had a rough couple of weeks.

I've spoken at length to his counsellor, long sessions just myself & him. He has applied for extra sessions for my son & also sessions for me & him, for me, as he said that I need it. I agree. It's very difficult for me going back over everything.

I've spoken at length to Barnardo's safeguarding lead.

We've had the police again & they weren't kind.

My son got out & was gone for an hour.

Barnardo's are doing a MASH referal.

My son had looked up 'How do I know if I have autism' on the tablet.

His dad told him that he will 'Sort something out' re him living with him, & now my son is obsessing over that fact, & his dad says that he 'Just said it & didn't mean it'.

I've got a huge, squishy bruise on my knee from where he slammed it in the door.

Social worker is in no rush to do anything. Will help me do the ND referal 'Sometime after Christmas'.

I've not really spoken to school apart from standard updates.

My daughter was kept out of lessons all morning today, for 1-1 time with the LSA.

My son doesn't want to do his Christmas performance tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Barnardo's safeguarding called me earlier tonight to check that we are ok, as they know what tomorrow is. Very lovely of them. I'm not used to that much attention!

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

I think Ipsea is the best source of info about this. If you read through this thread, it may help you with more ideas on why you are requesting this asseasment.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iLaFN0V9wi0

I haven’t watched this, but I have seen ones like it and they usually they are good and factual

Aah thank you! I looked back at the beginning of the thread but couldn't find it, that's because it was nearer the end!

I've not been able to get a phone appointment with IPSEA yet.

I've got everything written down in rough (I think) Just need to get it down officially.

I like ipsea because they have a model letter which outlines the legal test - if you scroll down the link, I think it’s the first orange button

imip I think I remember seeing that now, it had slipped my mind.