Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Hi Struggles, I’ve just read your updates. Sounds really frustrating. I’m sorry the goodbye session with your support worker was upsetting for your children.

As you know I’m not really knowledgeable about autism but I guess you should submit the forms to Bernardo’s again. If it was me I’d fill them in fresh, using the wording from your previous form but adding more information about his autistic traits.

I think you said the reason they gave for turning you down was that the school said he was fine. I think you need to get support from the SENCO and his teacher - now they are starting to see his behaviours at school, it might be easier. I don’t know what information is needed on the forms? Can the school write a supporting statement or letter?

Thank you for answering me Girlattheback. There's 2 parts, my part & the professionals part, that's the part I'm struggling with.

Originally, the Senco filled in the professional part but I just don't think she's going to say much different if she fills in that part again.

Second time we sent them, the support worker did the professionals section.

They turned him down because 'Its just violence, emotional regulation & he's fine at school'.

Under this page https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services/suffolk-neurodevelopment-pathway you can see your son has indeed fallen through the gaps in What We Do. I would ask them to provide you with the formal complaints policy, if they don’t, see if you can contact PALS, because there should be one and ensure you complain following their policy.

in terms of the referral form, ensure you use the word masking. He masks at school, that’s why school don’t see it. Masking makes him anxious and he is like a coke bottle when he gets home exploding. School are educators but not mental health experts (they really are not) and he needs to be assessed by proper clinicians. They cannot see through the mask. Note his need for routine.

you could use the original referral and you could ‘enhance’ it knowing what you know know. Look at what everyone has written in this thread to help you.

also bring in the upcoming transition and that you don’t want him to get a delayed diagnosis due to the stuff ups in Barnardos end.

honestly, your support worker sounds rubbish dismissing his need for counselling. I have spoken to many support workers, I don’t have a good opinion of them. I am sure many are great, but that’s the decision of a clinician surely.

Thank you so much imip. Do you know much about Social workers? Am I expecting too much for a little bit of contact/acknowledgement of my emails?

I have submitted a complaint the other day about the ND referal, havn't heard back yet.

Today's complaint was 'just' about the counselling.

I will use the original form then & add to it, I wasn't sure if that was 'allowed' since the support worker doesn't work with us anymore.

I will ask school if they can add to it, & ask his teacher specifically. They did say originally 'We believe that he is masking' but I will express that more.

Social workers will be pretty overwhelmed and focussed on the statutory parts of their role. They might not have a full team and if I am honest I see lots of families who need one and don’t have one. You can also get disabled social workers, which will honestly suit you much better. Like anything, it depends on the person you get.

Since school are starting to notice something, they could bring in an external professional to provide some assessment on need. Eps are hard to get, but a speech therapist would be useful. Start to see if he understands his feelings - if you Google zones of emotional regulation - it will give you an idea of what I mean.

Thank you imip That's really helpful re the social worker. It's such a weird feeling after having the support worker for almost 2 years, Family First for a year & a half, & so always having somebody to text/call when we've had a really bad day/night, or having somebody text me just to check how we are, to now go to nothing.

I know that's single parenting, you are on your own. But I don't believe that we should be just left when people know how violent he is & how badly I'm struggling.

Asking for 'Extra help' & getting this social worker who isn't actually 'present' & has cutoff all other support, was a MASSIVE mistake on my part.

If I could go back & undo it, I would

I am new to this post so please forgive me if this has already been covered.
It sounds like you are caught up in a cycle of therapists social workers assessments and it has all got a bit much for both of you.
I understand your frustration at not getting support for assessments. I have an adult son with asd so I understand a little of dealing professionals who think they know your child.
What I learned to accept is that support workers, therapists teachers etc don't look after your son 24/7. They are not invested in your child. He is just a job, a case to them.
I would suggest that you carry on fighting for his assessments etc but some where along the line you need to know what battles to fight.
You need sometime to yourself - what do you do when the kids are at the dads ? What would happen if you said you were going somewhere ? You were working? Going out for a coffee with a friend.
Tell him mummy is busy this weekend and she might not be able answer straight away but arrange one phone call a day at a convenient time.
Cant Dad can deal with his meltdowns. When they are with him let him get on with it - only intervene if there is a medical emergency!
Also my nephew is like this, major meltdowns and aggressive behaviour directed at his mum but my sister manages by making sure his day is full - sports music lessons- scouts is very good for discipline with boys all her children go and they go away for weekends too. This is just as much for her and her husband and other kids as it is for him.
There is such a thing has having too many organisations giving advice.
Obviously you can't ditch social services but I would certainly get rid of all others like barnardo ( if this is a voluntary thing) - support workers, therapists too many cooks is the old saying.
You say they go to dad's at weekends and weds, so work with him and between you make sure he is kept busy, maybe dad could take him to a hobby what does he like doing ? Football etc, or maybe you could take him somewhere that he likes not necessarily what you want to do but something that interests him. My son was obsessed with trains so we spent our holidays in railway museums and on steam trains, not what I liked but something he liked.
You need to look after yourself first and foremost in order that you have re newed energy to deal with him. Make be look at doing something that interests you or maybe studying or getting a part time job ( if you are not doing this already) or have a night out with friends/ dating etc ?

Thank you CHRIS003 I'm signed off sick at the minute, I also have a lot of health problems not concerning my son (but that are exaggerated when he's having a meltdown)

We are out doing things every time we can be, we are busy all the time, my whole world is centred on making my kids happy.
Being a single parent I've taken them out when I'm unwell myself many, many times. I never get a day to rest when I don't feel well because I've had it drilled into me since he was small that I must keep him busy. When meltdowns happen in the mornings in the holidays, we get out as soon as we can after.

That said, a few times at the end of the 6 week holidays, after I contacted SS, we just did smaller days out instead of the whole day, sometimes, & it was fine. His behaviour was no worse or no better. It was good for me because it mean that, if I'm unwell in the future, I CAN do less, & it will still be fine. (I mean as fine as it is right now)

We have Barnardo's involved for the ND referal & I still want that. It might be a 'No' but I still want it done. There's only SS other than that, which means that I hear from nobody & I'm completely alone but it's fine.

Does your son go to any clubs or anything without you ?

My son went to a youth club that was run by the local council with social services. At first he didn't like it because it was held at his school and he said the other kids bullied anyone they saw going there ! He would come home having conveniently forgot to go after school lol!
The co ordinator told me places were in high demand and if he didn't go then he would lose his place, but after similar complaints re the location of room where the group was held they finally realised the kids would only engage if wasn't held at their school after lessons ,they moved the venue. The kids were suddenly happy to go there ! My son learned so much from this group - it wasn't just for ASD & ADHD kids, other kids went who had social problems or health problems that meant they struggled making friends, had behaviour issues etc. He loved it, he went out for meals and day trips in holidays and sometimes his sister was allowed to go as well. They also ran a creative arts club in the school holidays.
I know he could only access it through SEND dept at secondary school. Maybe there is something like this in your area ? He could go when he turns 11.
It might be worth looking it this with your local council youth services ?
Also I believe one of your posts you said you called the police, on the estate where I lived the police used to run a social group for children who were at risk of getting into trouble and I think they did like a youth club with them.
Did things like sports and day trips etc but because it was run by the police the emphasis was on behaviour etc.
You might be able to access something like this through social services ?

Thank you CHRIS003 He does go to holiday clubs, they cause him meltdowns over the worry the day/morning of, but once he's there he's ok.

There isn't anything police-run like that around here & I don't know about SS run, I've not been told about anything.

I'm glad you've found some good things for your son to do.

I received the SAR back from the emotional well-being hub/Barnardo's & there's nothing negative on there about me/us from the school or anybody.

The only inconsistencies are when his 'Problems' started as they state 1 year/3 years/5 years & 6 years but I don't think that's a huge issue. I attended the first parenting course when he was 3 & had the first Caff when he was 5.

It just says that a Caff was requested by the school (the second one) due to his behaviour at home, which is consistent to what the school have told me.

It states on there clearly that the GP tried to get us some extra support after the first knife incident (when he was 8) & that Emotional wellbeing decided to close the Urgent referal then, as we had school nursing at the time. Who never met my son. I mean, obviously I know that's what happened as I remember, but to see it in Black & White still stings a bit.

I remember that 'First' knife incident like it was yesterday. Brings all the feelings back. I remember standing at the bus stop talking to the GP, explaining how my son had tried to kill me & staring really hard at this bush, concentrating on the leaves, trying so hard not to cry. And then leaving desperate voice calls for our (then) useless support worker & just feeling utterly lost. Not much different to now then.

In other news, I've not heard from the Social worker. I received my 'Closing your file' letter from the Support worker & Family First & they state that 'SS have access to more support services than we do'.

Maybe so but I won't know if they don't communicate with me.

The holidays are going ok. We had an epic meltdown on Friday/Saturday but apart from that it's ok. That's a positive!

Hi Struggles, there’s something really unsettling reading the details in reports/letters. Makes it more real somehow, but somehow other at the same time, it does pass though (says the woman who can’t bear to read letters anymore!) What are your next steps now you have that?

Can you complain about the social worker?

I’m glad you’ve had a more consistent few days. How are you doing?

Thank you Girlattheback There absolutely is! Worse is that I had to read it on my phone so kept having to scroll/miss parts. I actually went back & re-read after I'd posted & saw that the old (not the most recent) support worker had written that I don't parent him consistently & so want an ADHD diagnosis & want him on meds.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I emailed them back & said I think this is extremely damaging, to basically say that ADHD doesn't exist & it's just inconsistent parenting, & that I've never, ever mentioned meds to that other (or any) support worker, so I'd like those taken off his file.

I don't know if it works like that, those are still the only negative points & they were back in August 2022, but still...

My next steps are to get the new referal to NDD done, I've not had the brain power for that with the kids both here & busy days/Birthdays, a few late-ish nights. I've been going to bed when they go to bed

I hope your holiday is going relatively smoothly too!

😱there’s always something in the paperwork to piss you off!

Theres no point trying to get on with things in the holiday. Hopefully you can all relax a bit for a week and then make a start on the new referral paperwork with a fresh head.

Enjoy the rest of the holidays and your lovely early nights.

So I've just received a copy of our plan. Doesn't really say anything. Says they will be 'involved' for 3-6 months (but 3 months is already gone if that counts) & then they will leave me to try to parent on my own basically. Like I'm not doing that anyway.

Says that 'Stronger families' was cut short, well that's news to me. We had 17 sessions when we were supposed to have 14. That's what I was told by the therapist at the end.

Says their dad reported that I don't let him have longer contact than he has, which isn't true.

No dates of a meeting coming up or anything.

I have heard from Barnardo's re the counselling though & that's going to start ASAP.

Oh. That sounds disappointing. How are you doing?

Hi Girlattheback I'm not doing ok.

My son has managed a lot of change (with his dad) this weekend, & he's done so well. On the verge of a meltdown tonight but luckily it didn't tip over.

I emailed the Social worker & asked if there's going to be any meetings or anything? But of course, no answer yet. I still never heard back re the ND referal & it's not mentioned on the 'plan'.

It says something like 'Struggles would like an EHCP but school doesn't agree that it's necessary'. So looks like that's a 'No' too.

I just keep thinking to myself 'Why did everybody keep telling me to get SS involved when they don't even do anything? They've taken all of my support away so that they can do nothing.'.

And the other thing I keep thinking is 'Nobody cares. Let him keep beating me because nobody cares. Let him take it too far one day because nobody cares. Let him actually shove me down the stairs next time because nobody cares. Let him actually plunge the knife into me next time because nobody cares'.

And 'They can tell me to do all the parenting courses that they like, & I'm doing them, again, but none of them are helping with the fact that he goes from fine to literally trying to kill me in seconds. I'm not supposed to shut him in his room so I'll just let him beat me to death then'.

And finally 'How can they go on about my MH & also announce that they are going to leave me to it? If a woman was being beaten by her husband like this, she'd be encouraged & helped to leave, but I just have to deal with it, & my MH is supposed to be fine & dandy'.

Who knows how much damage all of this is doing to his own MH

Sorry, I'm a ray of sunshine tonight aren't I! Feeling very low. Very dark thoughts.

My son asked me what's the word I always tell the police that he might have, when I call them, about him. I said it's Autism. He asked what will change if he actually finds out that he has got it, I said 'I'm not sure really, but things should be a bit better for us & we will have some more help for when you get cross, I think'. He asked 'Why do the police need to know?' I said 'Just so they can send some extra special policemen or ladies, who might understand Autism'.

Hard questions to answer! But it's the first time we've spoken about it, when he's not been heightened. I'm so proud of him.

You're not alone in this. Even if all we can do is listen. The first step for me is you and your DD being safe. You can lock you and DD into a room. This is what I do when my DS has a violent meltdown. I take the others into a bedroom and sit against the door so he can't push it open. Once he gets bigger I'll need to add some heavy bolts to the door. You could get some from a hardware store, put them on the back of yours and DDs bedroom doors preferably high up so only you can reach them. If he starts to meltdown you both go into a room with a bolt and wait for him to calm down. As well as not getting kicked and smashed into DS calms faster with us out of sight.

The next step for me would be trying to work out triggers and things that stress his emotional regulation and controlling those as much as possible. This involves things like keeping track of what he's doing, what happens at school on outings, any signs you notice leading up to a meltdown and how he's acting and writing it all down. The triggers can be things that might not make sense to you. My DS has a very specific and very strong idea of fairness and it's black and white, he can't understand for example younger siblings or other kids when we're out not having to behave the same way as him. He can't understand that sometimes at school even if several people are doing the wrong thing that the teacher might only notice him and not tell off the others.

The best outcomes involve managing the things that he finds overwhelming and balancing them with things that calm him. Sensory issues can be a big thing here. Noisy places, busy places, my DS used to run off screaming if he wasn't next to me with his ears covered when the school bell rang. Too much heat, wrong clothes that feel scratchy, strong smells, really windy days, rain. Changes in routine and unexpected things happening also reduce his ability to cope. Working out triggers and signs he's about to meltdown would be helpful too. This all involves a lot of observation and make sure you write it all down. This will be helpful too if you can eventually get an assessment. It also helps so you can say to school that school is overwhelming him and you can see the evidence written down through observed behaviour. It's very common for Autistic kids to mask and keep it in all day and then explode at home with their safe person. You're his safe person. That's why you cop it.

The other thing I'd recommend is joining a support group. There's various support groups on FB for parents of Autistic children. You'd be able to talk to people that really get it or just read others experiences if you didn't feel up to posting. Talking to others that understand and are going through the same things help me. Wth the no diagnosis yet that doesn't matter, other people with children who are Autistic or have ADHD understand how hard it can be to get a diagnosis and no one will mind you don't know yet.

It may well help him to know that there's a reason he feels like he does. My DD was diagnosed much later than her brother and I helped her when I said that there was a reason she felt this way. I didn't say it was definitely Autism but that was the first thing we'd look at and if it didn't happen to be that we'd go to next step. She's always felt different to her friends, having a name for that feeling really helped.

Also with meltdowns I talk to DS about them the next day, saying it's ok to have all those overwhelming feelings feeling but it's no okay to hurt people because of that and that we'll work together to help him learn how to regulate his feelings and work on him telling me when something we're doing is too much for him and we'll leave or do something different or he can take a break. Initially you might need to say DS your doing XYZ/ seem upset/whatever you notice do you need to take a break/leave. If like my DS he's not really in touch with how his body is feeling this might need to change to something like, I can see you're finding this too much because XYZ so it's time to take a break/leave/do some star jumps. It is a lot of work but you can do this whether school or SS give you support. He might find movement breaks useful or fidgets, or ear muffs. Once you work out what he needs then go to the school and if they won't listen you start escalating things up the chain of command at the school.

You can read up on emotional regulation on line and work on it when he's calm. Techniques have to be practiced when calm and learnt thoroughly before they can be applied when you can see he isn't coping. Zones of regulation is a common one used to help Autistic kids and those with ADHD. Traffic lights is another. It could be worth finding an online cause about recognising and dealing with sensory issues for you child. There are also courses on line that teach emotional regulation techniques. You could try mindfulness techniques too.

I know it's a lot, and I'm sure you're exhausted and you probably feel like you're close to breaking point. I wish there was a better answer for you, maybe someone else can give you one. Unfortunately a lot of the time the only answer is you doing it or nothing happens. Good luck with it all, I hope you find something that helps you all soon.

Thank you Eliflurtle That's a really kind post.

The problem with getting locks on the doors is that it's a rented house & also, he just doesn't calm, when I shut myself & my daughter into my room & sit against the door, he just gets more enraged. He slams anything he can find into the door, he's hacked chinks of my door off, scribbled all over it, he kicks plaster off the walls outside the door, tries to unscrew the door handles, or he gets out because the kitchen window lock is broken, he just doesn't calm at all when I shut us away.

We were taught mindfulness & emotional regulation techniques & things like that, by Stronger families. We do them when we are all calm but they won't make any difference once he's upset.

I really do struggle to see the warning signs of a meltdown sometimes. Like today, he was just playing with his sister, they were having a great time, giggling like anything & then he shouts at her & that's it, meltdown on the verge. Obviously, other times I can see it coming but a lot of the time no. And even when I can see it coming, I can't manage to stop it sometimes.

Stronger families also told me to use the 'I think you might be feeling' Or 'I think this might be'... But I can't say anything like that as he screams at me that I'm wrong & then, whereas he might have been just showing signs of starting a meltdown, this tips him into it (& that's where the PDA comes into it as he feels like I'm telling him how he's feeling)

Also, I've always sat down with him the next day & said 'Its ok to get cross, we all get cross, but it's not ok to hurt people' he just says 'Ok' or 'I know' & he shuts down, will not speak about it anymore. If I try to talk to him 'Too much', then it starts another meltdown.

I know I'll have to do it alone & I am doing it alone. I'm just confused why people kept telling me to involve SS. Like am I missing something, they aren't doing anything!

I also can't say anything to him about him feeling 'different' or anything like that as, again, he shuts down or starts screaming that I'm 'Wrong' even if everything was perfectly fine seconds before.

Thank you for your post & I hope you don't think I'm shooting down your ideas. I will read it again tomorrow.

Not at all and you don't need to justify if something won't work for you and your child, you're the expert on your DS, no one else has the insight you do. I wish I had some more useful ideas for you @StrugglesSadness . I know how hard and heartbreaking it can be. It hurts mentally and emotionally as well as physically having your child hurt you. It's a horrible feeling.n DS was about 20 months old when he started having violent meltdowns, there was hours of it every night at bedtime and even knowing he can't control it and he's acting out his overwhelm it still hurt.

How is his sleep? Sorry if you've already said. Sleep is really crucial for emotional regulation. DS does so much worse if he's tired or sick or run down. I will say with the regulation stuff it can be a really slow process, I'd keep plugging away at it in some form. Mindfulness isn't for everyone. My DD uses mindfulness, she has anxiety as well as being Autistic, but DS1 uses zones of regulation. DS2 needs movement to regulate, it's so individual. We have an mini exercise trampoline, a rocking chair and a punching ball inside for him to use when he feels angry or overwhelmed. DS1 is the one that's had the most issues with regulation and meltdowns, he's coping better now, but it's taken several years and a lot of trial and error to get here.

Hi Struggles, don’t worry about the post that’s been deleted. I hope you didn’t see it. I reported it and mnhq have removed.

Anyway, I’m sorry, I understand how you would be feeling really low and hopeless at the moment. It sounds like it’s time to re-group and see what’s next. Take a few days to let it all sink in.

I agree if you can shut him in his room, damage to property is fixable, physical injuries not so much, I used to do this with mine, thankfully those outburst are better now, but I would block the door, sit outside and calmly tell her I loved her and I was here for a cuddle when she calmed down.

💐

Thank you Girlattheback I guess it was saying what an awful parent I am...

It's not just the damage to the property, it's that when I saw the psychologist he kept telling me that I absolutely must not keep shutting him in his room, & that's just stayed with me

So that's why my mind keeps going back to... Then I have to just let him beat me because there is no other option when he's like that. It's rather shut him (or me) away or be beaten. And to be honest, it's better to shut him away as he has a smaller area otherwise he just goes on a rampage around the home & takes a while lot longer yo calm.

Not that I like doing it of course, but him in his room, with his books, teddies, blankets that he uses to calm himself eventually, is better.

School phoned earlier (mine aren't back until tomorrow) for a welfare check. The Senco, I'm going to see her tomorrow. I know she won't do anything but it's still nice to hear from somebody.

Senco was lovely. We had the Behavioural lead in there with us this time, I've only chatted to her in passing before. I told them that my son has been upset over the holidays about this one particular teacher & saying that she's 'Awful'. Senco said 'We know that, with you son, it would likely have been something simple like, one she told him to stop talking, & now he's decided that she doesn't like him & he won't let that go'.

I was a bit 'Well, yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. There was probably one little incident once, that wouldn't have even registered with another child'.

She said she hasn't got a copy of the plan (I don't know if she will get one or if that's personal to me) or been told that the assessments finished & she hasn't been told that the support workers finished. She also didn't know that it's now a CIN. So she's even more out of the loop than me then!

She wrote 2 A4 pages on what had happened over half term & included 'Struggles says that SS came along, took away all of her other support & now don't even respond to her emails & she's left completely on her own'.

She's going to email this to the Social worker to save me having to update by email. She said again that she's there any time I need a chat.

Things got a bit awful after that, 3 phonecalls from her regarding my daughter telling 2 separate LSA's that my son attacked her with a pole. I said this happened a few weeks back when I was unwell & it was added into previous email to Social worker (& ignored) but it's obviously on my daughter's mind

And then an incident at lunchtime where my 2 kids were physically fighting. All that was seen by staff was them crying & screaming at each other but they both have minor injuries & are both blaming the other saying they punched & pushed them down. My poor babies

They both came out of school upset saying the other had hurt them. My heart is breaking.

I am in Suffolk too. Have you heard of the Behaviour Safe at Home course? https://infolink.suffolk.gov.uk/kb5/suffolk/infolink/advice.page?id=mAcZgJQFRJI&fbclid=IwAR15pJrtQL2xgngEGi5djyd2rfjoAUEZDLAIL1CaA-mxGn-wZk533Ejo3k I haven't done it myself so can't vouch for it but it was on my radar as my autistic son was very violent for a few years.