Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

It is very good school are now referring if he says things like he wants to kill you then you can't keep your daughter safe.

Boomboom So is the MARF referral due to me not keeping them safe?

Yes I've done all of the parenting courses that are available.

He constantly tells me that I hate him that's why I keep telling him that I love him.

He's been saying he wants to kill me for years. Christmas, when he was 7, he told me he was disappointed he didn't get a weapon as a gift so that he could kill me. The support worker that we had at the time said it was 'Normal'.

Well I just heard back from Support worker. 'Thank you for letting me know. I will try to talk to Social worker today'.

'Try' ?

I'm having some very dark thoughts by myself, about myself & still living this hell that is my life

Wow that’s terrible. I’m sorry your son is completely out of control at the moment. It’s good he opened up to school. I’m really not surprised your mood is very low, you are dealing with so much. Please don’t do anything drastic. Could you call the Samaritans? Talk it through with them today?

The MARF form sounds like a good thing. Further escalating your situation is what you need. I don’t think they mean he need’s safeguarding from you. Just that your home situation is unsafe - you know that though! You mentioned calling CAHMS - I don’t think it would hurt. They take self referrals and tbh your daughter probably needs support too. This must all be very traumatic for her too.

Did you hear back from Bernardo’s?

I'm sorry ss are not helping, they really need to. Can you go back to camhs? It seems that because he is presenting fine not violent at school the agency support is not kicking in or they don't believe you. Make sure you report in writing to school what he says and does at hone and they will have to keep reporting until ss do something.

It seems very unlikely they will remove the kids as they don't want to, but likely there is more support like his named social worker and therapy that they can access.

They mean your daughter needs safeguarding and he needs from himself so they need to teach you methods that work so you can do this.

Girlattheback Thank you. I just can't do this. He's come out of school upset about something else & I just can't do this.

His sister is throwing herself about screaming, stamping her feet, doing all the same behaviours as it's learned behaviour & she's tired from last night, & there is nobody who cares enough to help me.

I did go in & see the Senco just now & she said she can't tell me anything. Can't give me the Social workers phone number, can't tell me how long this assessment period will be, can't tell me if the MARF referal will change anything.

She did tell me that she believes me which is one small, nice thing today.

I asked the support worker if I can have the social workers details & is there a plan for going forward? No answer.

I know that I know our home isn't safe but that's different to saying that I am the one who is harming them. I'm not deliberately hurting my babies. & if people think that I am, then why the hell am I letting him try to kill me every day? Why am I putting myself through this if they are just gonna be taken from me anyway?

So I'm labelled as a terrible abusive parent & their dad (who hasn't contacted me since hearing last night that I'd been sick. Doesn't know how much longer the meltdown lasted. Doesn't know about this morning) just walks away as the model parent.

Boomboom Thank you. I see what you mean. The Senco, just now, told me that she absolutely believes me & always has.

I just can't do this

They will not take them away there are loads of levels of intervention they haven't done first.

I can’t imagine that anyone you’ve spoken to disbelieves what you’re saying about your son. I’m sorry you are in this awful limbo of waiting for everyone to help. Must be totally soul destroying.

Are you still working? If you are can your GP sign you off sick so you can take a break at home whilst the kids are at school?

Girlattheback I was signed off in May. Thank you for your kindness. Days like today, I walked back from school, in tears, was trying to ring this helpline on & off, & they were constantly engaged, then I had to go & get groceries & struggled to hold back my tears (just because I'm crying at everything. I'm sooo emotional today) then I had to try & make some sense of our home, there's 'Weapons' everywhere, & this is the part that got/gets to me the most. Collecting the mess from the last meltdown, knowing that this groundhog Day is all that it will ever be.

Then from 1pm I start panicking about what this afternoon is going to bring. Start planning in my head, things that I'll do differently/try this time.

Oh & constantly refreshing my emails hoping for a little bit of kindness from somebody. So I'm not getting much rest when they are at school.

And then when we get home, i'm absolutely on edge, listening to every little change of tone in voice, incase a meltdown is starting.

Boomboom I suppose my fears around that are irrational, I just hate not knowing what is going on behind the scenes & it puts my own anxiety absolutely sky high.

Anyway, they are in bed. I made it through.

Support worker has said 'Nobody is calling you a bad mother. Would you like me to phone you?'

(She used to call me after every meltdown) She's not asked if I'm ok or anything

You sound completely burnt out. The feeling on being on edge and waiting for the next awful thing to happen - I know that feeling well. It’s exhausting. I suspect they are not asking if you are okay because they know that you are not okay so it goes without saying.

I don’t know if you get the chance to read at all but I can recommend ‘The woman who went to bed for a year’ by Sue Townsend, it’s very lighthearted but resonates when you are completely done with family life!

I hope you get a good night’s sleep. Take care.

Thank you Girlattheback And I hope things are a little more 'peaceful' for you now.

I used to read but I can't concentrate so much anymore. I was going to bed now but I'm absolutely exhausted & also wide awake. I can't 'Turn off' my brain.

I can't work out what to do with my front door keys because I always leave them on the table, just in easy reach in case anything happens in the night (I take the 2 extra locks off the door at night & we just have the standard one)
But I feel like I need my keys by my bed now because otherwise, what if a meltdown starts & he hides my keys again?

Thoughts like that.

I know what you are saying, but support worker always used to call & ask if I was ok & now she doesn't. Senco always used to call & ask if I was ok, after I'd emailed her, & now she doesn't. She didn't ask how I was today when I went to see her.

All the focus is on the children & that's absolutely how it should be, but, but, if I count for nothing, I'm not even worthy of a 'How are you?' Then why am I still here, trying?

It might be an idea to visit the GP - they also can do safeguarding referrals and you can emphasise the need for urgent evaluation for your son. They may have a social prescriber attached, who may offer some support?

Thank you imip I didn't really answer your post, regarding the police, do they calm your daughter when they've come?
When they've come for us, it's horrendous judgement by the call handler & 'Just parent your child', 'We can't come & put your child to bed' comments in the first place, & then when they do come, it sends my son absolutely off the scale with rage.

I feel sooo guilty as he just gets so distressed, & then they wait with him until he's apparently calm (But really he's holding it on until they leave) or they wait with him until his dad gets here, & when they do that I feel like they are being the 2nd parent really aren't they.

I didn't realise the GP can do safeguarding referrals. I will give them a call. All they've done before is urgent referrals to Emotional well-being, which are then dismissed as not urgent.

I was hoping I might feel a bit better physically today but I don't. I've still got this horrendous cough that makes my head pound, my stomach is absolutely killing me every time I cough, & on top of all of that, every time I cough, I wee myself

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I agree with imip, it would be great if you can get a gp appointment today. Not sure what that looks like in your area but if you mention you need an urgent mental health appointment then they should see you quickly.

I would hope that maybe they can help support you too as well as referrals the support needed for your son.

Thank you Girlattheback I got a couple of hours. I have called the GP but they said you have to do it online now, I'm trying to see them for my MH as I think that I need it. (Not that I care if I'm ok or not but I suppose that I should) So the GP is now phoning me back tomorrow, they said they can only do one problem at a time.

I've chased up a hospital appointment for myself & one for my son & I'm now trying to get the courage to call the police re the other day, but I'm really scared to make this call for some reason. I'm trying to do it though.

I've also heard from the Senco that she was trying to call me so I'm hanging on hoping she will call back. I'm really scared with what she might say today...

But at least I've got some things done.

So the Senco has said I can go & have a chat with herself & the behavioural lead anytime I need it. She said it won't move things forwards of course but it gives me somebody to chat to.

I appreciate it but don't really want to do that.

She said that she emailed SS after our chat yesterday & told them that I'm upset that things aren't moving forwards & nobody is talking to me. She said they got back to her & said there's no date for the end of the assessment period yet.

(But they couldn't send that same email to me, just so that I'd had SOME contact from them)

She said speak to the GP about my wellbeing so I said I've done that & she said as far as she's aware they can't do anything more to help with my son as we are now on 'All of the lists' but she said it won't hurt to try.

I've called the police (I actually did it!) & I'm waiting for data protection to call me back, what I'm hoping for is some kind of statement/report about how my son was the other night, that I can take to the GP.

I hadn't heard anything else from anybody.

I had my volunteer round today, she phoned support worker & seems to of got things moving a little. Support worker said she didn't know I had bruises (despite saying to me 'I noticed your bruises') ?

They are coming to see me next week but have only given me 15 mins before I need to leave for the school run so it's going to be very stressful for me, but at least it's something.

My son had his open evening at his high school. He was very quiet, clung to me & his teddy, wouldn't join in with anything, became very tearful & wanted to leave. He really did find it difficult

Once the crowds thinned out, he cheered up a little. Decided to go back & try the Maths challenges. The whole thing was just overwhelming for him.

It’s great things seem to be moving a little now. Fingers crossed for you that the visits come to something - the timings sound stressful though! Maybe warn the school you have an appointment and might be late that day then you won’t feel so pressured.

Crowds can be very stressful and difficult to cope with but it’s great he joined in when it quietened down.

How are you doing?

Hi Girlattheback Thank you for asking, I'm still struggling. Today was a really difficult day for me tbh. Talking it all through & re-living it & going over the minimal contact that I've had since, it just made it even more 'real' & made me feel even more worthless (If that's possible)

& then the support worker saying she 'Didn't know' about my bruises, I just don't understand what's going on. They are obviously giving me quick visit to 'Shut me up' & that's sooo upsetting. I didn't expect them to spend hours, but the support worker used to give me half an hour (sometimes an hour) & she always made them early in the morning 'So that you have the rest of the day to decompress'. & I'd hope that a plan that's taken nearly 7 weeks to put together, would need more than 10 mins to explain to me.

I just feel, really strongly, like nobody gives a shit about me. They know I'm literally hanging on by the thinnest thread & they don't care.

And SS (finally) contacted the kids dad & he's sent me a load of abusive messages saying how they are demanding that he had the kids more & what is he supposed to do about work.

I had a comment from support worker about how 'Assessments take time & we have other families to help'. We were always a high priority family but we obviously aren't now. For some reason.

I went to write back 'I never realised that when I begged for 'More help', that all of my 'Current help' would disappear, almost like a punishment for me asking.
But I didn't send it.

I just feel like all I've done today, is upset/piss off everybody.

And at the back of my mind I'm sooo worried about my son & this new school. And I had to keep everything from tipping into a meltdown tonight. Which it very nearly did.

Sorry, I'm just miserable tonight. I appreciate the support.

Oh no I’m sorry. I’m not surprised you feel hopeless after that. I’m sure they don’t mean to be dismissive but it can be how it comes across all to often.

I’m sorry your ex has piled on a load of negativity too. Is he having the kids at all anymore?

Thank you Girlattheback. I've not cried today but I just read back the last few months texts from support worker & there is such a change, I've had a few tears. It also clearly says on my messages that I'm bruised too.

She honestly did used to care.

Yes he has them every other Fri/Sat night & most Wed nights now too (that's new) I obviously had no idea what SS were going to say to him as they've told me nothing. I don't know what he wants me to say to him about work. I mean, I'm not managing to hold it together enough to work at all right now.

His work are incredibly flexible, he came to all my MW appointments when I was pregnant, he can stay late/start early/work lunch/Catch up on Saturday from home etc & swap around as much as he needs really, but when it comes to having his kids, all of a sudden he makes it sound like he has a set 9-5 with no movement.

I'm also still unwell so that's not helping. I just want to tell them to forget the whole thing now tbh.

Don’t do anything drastic, you’ve waited so long, you can’t call it quits with SS now. I really hope they give you some sensible options soon. I wonder if it’s worth keeping a photo record of your injuries?

The new Wednesday arrangement with your ex sounds good, at least that’s a consistent night off for you where you can catch your breath. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it’s much though. Employers can be funny sometimes, everyone gets what midwife appointments are and also the occasional family emergency - employers like to look flexible infrequently but if it becomes a pattern or habit, they become less tolerant very quickly!

I hope you start to feel better soon. Everything feels worse when you’re not well. Take care 💐