Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you again Girlattheback. I know you are trying to see the good in my ex but it's really not like that, he was just bragging about how flexible his work (still) is, when we went to the School open evening.

Anyway. It's fine. SS will tell him something & I'll get the abuse back to me from him. It's fine. It's all I'm here for.

Wednesday's, the whole evening is spent with me getting a running commentary of 'One or the other is arguing. Now they want to come home. Now they are upset. Now they hate me. Now the other one wants to come home. Etc. Etc.

I'm not going to cancel anything now, I'm waiting to see what this plan is.

Thank you again & I know I'm being super-negative about everything!

It sounds very difficult op, but family support workers only do targeted intervention and work with families for a short time, perhaps they is why she is stepping down support. The thresholds for a social worker are so high, and it is clear you love your son and that is a very big protective factor.

Lots of autistic children really struggle with the transition to y6 and this very well may be your son. I know I have advised this before and this is my day job, but I think you need to do a parental request for an EHCP. If sendiass never got back to you, there are other organisations who can help and lots of you tube videos on line. You only need to show that your child has or may have special educational needs and that your child may need the support of an EHCP in school. Yes, it is likely to be rejected and you may need to appeal, but this is now the process. School are finding him extra help already? Then they can write a letter or costed provision map to detail the help they give, how would this be provided in secondary? He needs professionals to assess all his needs - is there problems with his expressive or receptive language, social communication. They can help with the coke bottle effect with emotional regulation skills. What if he experiences this emotional dysregulation at school - he would be in a very fast track to permanent exclusion. He has clear needs in social, emotional and mental health - one of the four broad areas of need in the SEN code is practice. A needs assessment would be able to uncover other special educational needs.

I know I have gone on about it, but I think this is the step you need to take to get support. He is on the waiting lists for assessment - call CAMHS and ask where he is on the list - they will tell you. Tell school you want to make a parental request, they may help you. This shows that you are taking every step possible to get your son, and in turn your family, the support they need x

Thank you imip.
Can u ask what you mean by 'Thats a protective factor'?

I feel like the support worker must be stepping back but that's just not been communicated to me & has left me feeling (clearly) rotten. She also hasn't seen the kids at school, for 4 weeks now either, & last meltdown my son was screaming 'You've made the Support worker fuck off as well, because you hate me, you've taken her away'.

I also shouldn't of had to beg for the social workers details, I think they should have been given to me at that initial visit.

But what do I know, clearly nothing.

My son is moving up to high school next year. It's weird, I expected it to be difficult for him, but I didn't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was. Mainly because loads of his friends were there so I thought he'd just mask & it would come out later.

The school said that I should take the police report (when I get it) to the GP, also to show that I've done everything that I can at this stage.

'Stronger families' said he was going to suggest an EHCP on his closing remarks, which went to the support worker & I never saw it, so I don't know if he did or not. I will wait to see what Tuesday's meeting brings (probably Nothing) before deciding how to proceed.

Protective factor is a positive thing - you act in your child’s interests as opposed to being a risk.

Also, I guess something to ask yourself is what support do you want? This may sound strange, but what do you want as a result of social services intervention? More support at school, a diagnosis? Respite or short breaks. I get that you want your son to be calm, but this is a marathon not a sprint - what help are you looking for. There is parental training called NVR that could be helpful. Have a think about the type of support you may want - where would this come from?

Thank you imip for explaining that.

I have a question about the NVR training, I did that, & it taught me how to lead my son to somewhere safe & then close/hold the door shut if needs be... I've been told by 2 parents now (one was the one from the other day) about 'A hold' where you hold them until they calm. Is this something specific that you are taught if you have a diagnosis or something? As I was never shown this. I was only shown the lead them somewhere.

I have thought a lot about what I 'want' to happen but I'm guessing in this 10/15 minute meeting we've got coming up, they aren't going to give me chance to say anyrhing that I would like.

I don't want them to spend more time away from me. That probably sounds crazy to people reading thi, but they are my babies & I want them with me. When their dad said SS asked him to have them more often & when school offered breakfast club, at the last school meeting, my strong response both times was 'But I don't want the only solution to be that I need to spend more time away from them'.

So I suppose that's going to be seen as me making things difficult?
He's still my son, I still love him (& her) more than anything in the whole world(even though I still struggle to see how he has any love at all for me, when he behaves as he does, I still love him)

I always said, at the school meeting that I want my son to be happy, & if he would be happier living somewhere else, if that's the best thing for him, then let's do it (I realise that's at odds with me wanting him with me, but it's not about my wants, it's about what's best for him)

And also that I want him to be ok, mentally, because people can keep telling me that he's 'Fine' at school, but to be behaving like he does, something in his mind is clearly not 'Fine'.

But I guess those are too broad & not specific enough.

I've said a few times that 'Everybody goes home at 5 'O clock & I'm left alone with nobody to talk to' (If things kick off) ... But there isn't an obvious answer to that either.

Sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I’m on your ex’s side, it’s just I know employers aren’t always as flexible as they like to make out. Obviously i don’t know your ex’s workplace so it’s just speculation.

Can you put your phone on silent on Wednesday evenings? It’s difficult not to feel like you are constantly ‘on duty’/the default parent and reading the running comments won’t help with that. He’s their parent too and he needs to get used to not bitching about the kids to you!

Ive got everything crossed for Tuesday. I suspect it’s common to feel like something needs to change but you don’t know what would help. (I know I’ve felt like that in the past.) Especially when you are in ‘crisis mode’. You don’t need to commit to anything in the meeting, give yourself some time to think about what they offer.

There’s also no harm in trying things they offer to see what works for you and your son/daughter. If they don’t work out then you can explain why.

I don’t know anything about the hold you mention but given how strong he sounds (doors off hinges etc) it sounds like a safe space might be easier and safer for you?

How are you doing today?

Thank you Girlattheback It's ok, I know what you were getting at. I've honestly never known anybody with such a lenient workplace!

Apparently it's just where you sit cross legged & hold them on your lap in a way that won't injure them but they can't get out of, I was told about it once before & this other parent the other day said 'You obviously aren't doing the hold for long enough. Like 'The hold' is a know thing!

Honestly, I think at this point, if I could get him to a calmer place sooner than 5/6 hours then I'd take it. One of these days he is actually going to go through the bedroom window or shove me down the stairs or something & he's in such a highly distressed state when he's like that. It's not 'Just' anger, it's tears & telling me how he wants to die, everybody hates him & he isn't worth living, as well

I don't see how this 10/15 mins is going to be long enough to tell me much is it, but I'll take what I'm offered.

I'm ok, thank you for asking. I'm feeling absolutely stressed to the max & just sooo tired from trying to keep everything 'just so' so that it doesn't tip into a meltdown. This whole weekend he's been 'On the verge of' a meltdown for some reason.

I did ask support worker if I could ignore the texts/phone calls on Wednesdays but she said my son needs to know that I'm 'There for him' even when I'm not physically there. As he's feeling insecure. So I kind of get a break, or I do once I know they are in bed (although they go to bed so late at his, it's pretty much the same time as when I go)

Just reading back, I missed a part out of my last post, my son also tries to call me/asks his dad to text me, & that's the bit where the support worker said I need to remain available as he's feeling insecure. She didn't say I should have to listen to/read about their dad moaning about them

It’s a totally different level of exhaustion when you get to this stage. I really hope there’s a good plan. Time away isn’t going to help if he’s messaging you constantly and you can’t relax. Hopefully when he gets a bit more used to being there on Wednesdays, it will get better.

It’s sort of good that there’s been no massive melt downs this weekend but that on edge feeling is exhausting in it’s own right.

Take care 💐🍰🍫

Yeah you can definitely mute those 😂

Hello OP. I hope you manage some good sleep tonight. (TLDR at the bottom if you don't have the capacity for the full comment at the moment)

I have read all your comments (I think) and many of the others from imip etc and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But I wanted to reassure you, that there is light at the end of the tunnel because I was you 5 years ago, even down to the useless father.

My child is diagnosed PDA autistic and we've been through very similar to you, only they was uncontrollable at school, and we were lucky in that way.

I was beaten black and blue, constantly on egg shells, wondering where the next meltdown was going to come from. Not being able to 'figure out the triggers' as these change from day to day. I was too anxious to leave the house with my children.

I fought and fought and got their diagnosis, and EHCP, they were both being done concurrently, and if I remember rightly, the ehcp was done first! I know you say you have no fight, and I get it, I really do, but you must find it from somewhere. You have to be the loudest voice in the room. You are your family's advocate. You have to let them know you will not back down until you are all being supported. I even had a fight this year for their high schooling. The LEA tried to force me to apply for mainstream high. No chance. I applied for one school only. And I told them in no uncertain terms he goes where I want, or I pull him and put them through tribunals etc and he started this term with transport covered.

I know it's difficult when you have nothing left to give, but 5 years down the line you will be so thankful for exhausted you having pushed, because if you do, you will not be in this situation forever.

Now, about home.

We went NO demand. One rule only, no hitting/hurting siblings.
Anything else was fair. Didn't want to go to school, okay fine. Didn't want to go out. Okay, good. Wanted constant console access, have at it. You get the point. It's bloody difficult to go against all parenting advice and thought. I literally battled with myself that I was crazy, I was just letting them get away with anything.
But it's not that, it's about regulation. Your son is not regulated. He is in a constant state of anxiety and needs downtime.

We were in this phase for a long time, about 18 months. If not longer. It takes a long time, and genuine dedication.

Then we added school. I say we, because they are involved in all the decision-making that involves them, that they want to be inbolved in. They had to try to go to school everyday. It wasnt a difficult demand, because he enjoyed school, mostly. And that then became the norm. And so on. They now have little jobs and earn pocket money. (Still often told no though haha)

Ross Greene is a fantastic author, he wrote 'the explosive child' and it's world renowned for supporting pda-ers. I know you aren't up to reading at the moment, but he has all his work on audible as audio books. His methods work. But they aren't a quick fix, which can be frustrating, but well worth sticking with.

They now attend school, even though it's all change with this new one, we haven't had a meltdown that I can remember recently and we are going abroad for a family holiday soon. None of which seemed possible 5 years ago.

Although this approach is anti any and every parenting book going, it works for children like ours.

If that's TLDR, the main points:

Fight for his right for an EHCP. Even when you're done, when you can't go on anymore, fight.

Fight for his right to assessment and diagnosis. Even when you can't. You can.

Listen to Ross Greene and begin no/low demand parenting.

Cut yourself some slack, you are doing AMAZING. I know, I have been there. I know you're barely surviving, but fighting now, will change your lives. I guarantee it.

Sending you all my love.

It was a 3 hour meltdown tonight. I clearly felt it coming, but it also started 'Just like that'... I was about to put some washing in the machine & then it changed to... 'Oh. Ok. This is happening instead'.

I'm tired & confused. I've been sat there outside his room trying to work out why the washing isn't hanging up to dry, & I had to come downstairs now to remember that the washing wasn't done, because it's still in the middle of the kitchen floor, because that was when it all kicked off.

It was purely only 3 hours tonight as he's exhausted & fell fast asleep mid-meltdown. Poor boy.

Give me strength for tomorrow morning.

He whacked me round the face with the sole of his shoe tonight. It obviously hurt & for a second he shouted 'Sorry!' (he never says sorry) but it was fleeting & in the next second he said 'No, actually, I'm not sorry, you deserve it you stupid bitch' & tried to do it again. I blocked it this time.

I have not heard about the A hold, and I assume that is an individual practitioner thing. Maybe we were and I forget. I have had to restrain my children, but when older it was invariable because they were going to hurt themselves, not others. I run on instinct.

The system should operate on need, not diagnosis (but that being said, an autism diagnosis is is invaluable at unlocking other support such as the dynamic support register). Really school should be doing more, IMO. I think you could perhaps start talking to them know about transition. You don’t want him starting in a new school without any support. Support can really fall away in secondary and you are working again with a new school that doesn’t understand needs or may ‘manage’ them in a much different way.

Thank you imip. I asked the new school about me going in there & talking to them myself (The Sen team) They've not got back to me so I'll chase it up after tomorrow.

The school now, have said there's nothing more they can offer him, nothing more they can do. Wait until high school. They say.
All they are doing now is letting him continue his meditation.

They came early. No plan really. They still haven't chased up the ND referal. Social worker said she only wants this open for 6 months... So what supposed to of changed in 6 months? I'll just be ok with him beating me by then?

Support worker said she needs to stop contact, I said fine but I need social workers details then or I'm left with nobody. She apologized for that. I said also can you say goodbye to the kids as you've just disappeared & my son keeps screaming at me that I've made you stop seeing him. She apologized for that & said she will do a goodbye visit.

I told them I feel like I asked for extra help, Social worker came round them everybody abandoned me for 6 weeks & it felt like I was being punished for asking for help. She apologized for that.

She grilled me on how my son got the knife the other day, I said if you havn't seen him when he's upset, then it's hard for you to know, but sometimes he just 'goes', I simply had the knife out to make tea & hadn't raced to put it upstairs in the lock box as I'm feeling shitty health-wise & I'm not 100% 'on it' right now.

I told her I need the violence to stop, I need to know if this is some kind of ND, trauma, or if he just hates me, because whatever it is nothing is getting any better with the way I'm trying to deal with it now.

They asked about his dad's work hours & I said they aren't half as rough as he likes to make out.

I told them I can't sleep & when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares of my son trying to kill me with knives & I wake up looking for him thinking he's there trying to kill me, or I nearly fall asleep in the day as I'm so tired, & I startle myself & think I have to find my son as he's somewhere in the house trying to hurt me. As that's my 'normal'. This was just met with nods & 'See your GP'.

I suppose those nightmares are my normal as well now as that's not going to be better in 6 months is it.

I feel awful. I feel like it's just me & nobody cares. Still. I had to wait all this time for this plan of... Nothing.

I wish I'd never asked for extra help.

I hope my son seriously injures me next time & then they can go to a different family & be happy.

Oh Struggles that’s awful. I’m so sorry. How are you feeling now that’s sunk in?

Are you expecting any more follow ups from SS? Have you heard back from Bernardo’s?

I do agree that you need to see the GP for your mental health. C-PTSD is relatively common in mums of sick children / people living with domestic violence.

Girlattheback I'm not ok.

I don't see any way out of this hell for us.

Everybody used to tell me that SS would help.

I know, it totally sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes it just feels endless and hopeless, I hope you’re able to have a quiet evening tonight, let everything settle in for a few days and take some time to look after yourself.

Egowise made some really good points about no demand parenting. I know you’ve tried a lot, is there anything there you can use?

Girlattheback Thank you for talking to me. You are lovely.

😊thank you and np. Take care.

I'm sorry they've left you hanging this way. As you say, we're told to ask for help and then what?

When talking about the 6 months, do they mean they aren't going to be in touch for 6 months?

Have they put a plan together at all for respite? Any support at all?

School can't just say there's nothing they can do. What a cop out!

Again, I'm so so sorry.

Hi egowise, Thank you for the support.

She wants this 'Cin plan' to be open for 6 months & then close it.

The Caff, with the support worker, & Family First, with my volunteer, all of that support stops now.

No respite.

Re-do all of the parenting courses.

Speak to GP about nightmares, which I will do but I told her when I spoke to them the other day they were VERY dismissive.

She hasn't contacted Barnardo's re my son's assessment, like she said she would.

When I said I need to know if this is ND, trauma or something else, she just nodded.

When I said 'I need the violence to stop, I'm ok with him getting angry but I need the violence to stop'. She just nodded.

She asked if their dad knows how much my son hurts me physically, I told her why he absolutely does & gave examples.

She answered that with she's going to talk to their dad but she said she can't force him to have them more than he does & if he won't then he won't.

She told me that my self esteem & confidence is 'On the floor' & I agreed & said I spend my days being beaten & verbally abused & when I reach out to their dad, he doesn't care. When I've been reaching out to anybody else, they don't care. She had no plan for how we might tackle this (I know, a difficult one, & ultimately my responsibility.)

She criticised my son getting hold of the knife the other day & said I worded things differently in my email. I said that email was written mid-meltdown, I was begging for help & that's 'me' near the end of a 5 hour meltdown.

She said it's normal for support worker to go from seeing the kids weekly & extra home visits, to then just disappear without even a goodbye. But since my son's so upset about it, she will do one last goodbye visit.

She said she will feed-back to management that these 6 weeks, I've felt utterly abandoned & feel like I'm being punished for asking for help, by having all my support taken away.

She said we will do meetings at school every 8 weeks instead of 6 like support worker did.

That's the plan.

I am sorry to hear this, you can contact Banardos about how long it will take and where you are on the waiting list. I assume banardos are commissioned to do assessments in your area. You want to ensure you are on the right waiting list.

I would call the CAMHS crisis line in your area next time he has a significant meltdown, as this bring more agencies into the picture.

in your area, you may a domestic violence intervention and I noticed in my area they also do youth violence in the family home. If you do a Google search on your LA name and domestic violence, it may bring something up. Additi9naloy look at your local offer — Google your LA name and local offer. Perhaps looking for some sort of youth club, youth working team. He may be too young, but they may have suggestions of where you can go for help.

Part of the EHCP assessment process is a social care assessment. This is often avoided, but if you mention it you will get one.

Thank you imip. I'm going to read your post again later.
I had a dream about being trapped in a single prison cell in the middle of a huge concrete building & people were walking by ignoring me even though I was trying to talk to them. The people that did stop, I was asking 'When can I get out? Do you know why I am here?' & they were answering completely random things like 'Elephants in the sky' & I was feeling very distressed & confused.

I woke up with a heavy sense of dread but what choice do I have but to carry on & pretend I'm fine.

We've got an appointment outside of school this morning so 'happy face' on.

I finally got given 'Stronger family's' leaving remarks yesterday too. He doesn't mention an EHCP (he told me he would) but he does say something like

'I'm concerned that we are only trying to 'fix' the behaviours once they arise, but we aren't trying to solve the root cause of the behaviours, & so the family will continue to struggle'. Well. Exactly.

He wrote a load of stuff about how I'm such a devoted mum & none of the behaviours are my fault. It definitely wasn't plain sailing with him (understatement!) But he saw us through good & bad, in our home, 17 weeks we struggled along with him didn't we!

Reading his kind comments, after the meeting yesterday just made me sob & sob