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Fleeing with my child
xx200xx · 03/02/2023 22:48
Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.
I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x
xx200xx · 23/03/2023 21:55
TheShellBeach · 23/03/2023 13:42
You haven't posted for a while, OP. I hope you and your little boy are all right.
Hello,
So sorry for not replying!
I have been pretty busy recently. I'm feeling a lot better at the moment thankyou for asking.
Still have my moments of anxiety and sadness but feeling so much better.
I'm sleeping better, cooking and eating better and just taking care of myself a lot more. Just taking eat day as if comes now! Also now looking at a place to live but I'm not rushing myself with that just yet :)
TheShellBeach · 23/03/2023 22:56
xx200xx · 23/03/2023 21:55
Hello,
So sorry for not replying!
I have been pretty busy recently. I'm feeling a lot better at the moment thankyou for asking.
Still have my moments of anxiety and sadness but feeling so much better.
I'm sleeping better, cooking and eating better and just taking care of myself a lot more. Just taking eat day as if comes now! Also now looking at a place to live but I'm not rushing myself with that just yet :)
TheShellBeach · 23/03/2023 13:42
You haven't posted for a while, OP. I hope you and your little boy are all right.
I'm really glad that things are looking up for you!
YankeeDad · 31/03/2023 14:21
@xx200xx I have not RTFT, only your own posts, but it sounds very clear that you have taken actions that are necessary and appropriate in order to protect your child and yourself.
While it is natural for you to be worried ahead of any sort of court case, it really sounds as though you have a very strong case. Think about what would be the best outcome for your child, and then think about what a judge would do, if they know they cannot change him nor change you, they cannot expect either of you to be perfect, but they want to do what is best for the child. Presumably they will hear from the social worker and the domestic abuse worker.
I do not know the system, but to me, having read some of the key points in your post, it seems inconceivable that they would offer him anything close to joint custody. It seems much more likely that they would give you full custody, with some sort of contact arrangements, probably supervised, for him. Look at the facts: you are the primary carer, the child is too young to talk, and there is strong evidence that he is guilty of domestic abuse, which means the child could also be unsafe with him, at least in the eyes of a court.
You are in effect a single mother, with very little family support, and you are doing your best to care for your young child, whom you love, whereas the father has shown that he is willing to harm family members who are vulnerable. I have to believe that the most likely outcome, by far, is that the judge will see that, and you will win your case.
TheShellBeach · 31/03/2023 16:20
YankeeDad · 31/03/2023 14:21
@xx200xx I have not RTFT, only your own posts, but it sounds very clear that you have taken actions that are necessary and appropriate in order to protect your child and yourself.
While it is natural for you to be worried ahead of any sort of court case, it really sounds as though you have a very strong case. Think about what would be the best outcome for your child, and then think about what a judge would do, if they know they cannot change him nor change you, they cannot expect either of you to be perfect, but they want to do what is best for the child. Presumably they will hear from the social worker and the domestic abuse worker.
I do not know the system, but to me, having read some of the key points in your post, it seems inconceivable that they would offer him anything close to joint custody. It seems much more likely that they would give you full custody, with some sort of contact arrangements, probably supervised, for him. Look at the facts: you are the primary carer, the child is too young to talk, and there is strong evidence that he is guilty of domestic abuse, which means the child could also be unsafe with him, at least in the eyes of a court.
You are in effect a single mother, with very little family support, and you are doing your best to care for your young child, whom you love, whereas the father has shown that he is willing to harm family members who are vulnerable. I have to believe that the most likely outcome, by far, is that the judge will see that, and you will win your case.
Absolutely this! 100%!
xx200xx · 31/03/2023 19:42
I have read so many things online saying that family courts normally want parents to have joint loved custody. He will say or do anything now.
But I do have evidence on him about being a parent. I heard the judges don't really care about domestic abuse only the child's best interest. So I'm really not sure what to expect. It's been me and my son since day 1!!
TheShellBeach · 31/03/2023 20:12
xx200xx · 31/03/2023 19:42
I have read so many things online saying that family courts normally want parents to have joint loved custody. He will say or do anything now.
But I do have evidence on him about being a parent. I heard the judges don't really care about domestic abuse only the child's best interest. So I'm really not sure what to expect. It's been me and my son since day 1!!
Honey, the courts only want parents to have joint loved custody where they are satisfied that both parents are loving & stable, and that they have the best interests of the child at heart.
Your ex absolutely doesn't. The court will see that, don't worry. You have loads of evidence to show the court. You're in a refuge because your ex was violent and cruel. Your little boy is clearly happy and settled with you and your ex has no experience of looking after him.
No court is going to give custody to a man like your ex. He will get supervised access at a contact centre. And he won't want that, and he will give up going because it'll be to much effort for him. He won't like being observed and judged by the workers at the assessment centre.
I know you're scared about this and I completely understand. I was the same. But I got through it, and so will you. You've been so brave up to now. It'll all work out in the end, I promise you.
xx200xx · 07/04/2023 16:55
So I got a letter from child maintenance saying that my child's father is asking them to reconsider there descion with how much he should pay for my son.
I have a feeling he's going to get cash in hand as he works for his brother.
If this is the case is there anything I can do about it?
TheShellBeach · 07/04/2023 17:57
xx200xx · 07/04/2023 16:55
So I got a letter from child maintenance saying that my child's father is asking them to reconsider there descion with how much he should pay for my son.
I have a feeling he's going to get cash in hand as he works for his brother.
If this is the case is there anything I can do about it?
OMG these men!
They all do this.
Bunch of idle wasters.
I am not sure what you can do other than telling CMS the truth from your end.
Shows how much he cares about his little boy, eh?
TheShellBeach · 24/04/2023 22:54
xx200xx · 24/04/2023 21:53
Update guys -
Had court today and I offered him 2 days a week for 2 hours for the next 5 weeks until next court hearing.
He completey refused because he wants him overnight. Surely this won't look good at all??
He is an idiot. He doesn't seem to be thinking of your little boy's best interests at all.
You're doing so well, OP. You're really brave and you're sticking to your guns. Well done.
xx200xx · 26/04/2023 20:29
Not sure if I should make a separate one post,
However my family have considered me moving closer to them, as I have no support network where I am at all.
However this is 3 and a half hours away from DS father. I would feel awful if I done this and feel like I took him away from his other family once contact is in place.
We have come to my family's for a holiday and my sons so happy. Really stuck
TheShellBeach · 26/04/2023 20:54
xx200xx · 26/04/2023 20:29
Not sure if I should make a separate one post,
However my family have considered me moving closer to them, as I have no support network where I am at all.
However this is 3 and a half hours away from DS father. I would feel awful if I done this and feel like I took him away from his other family once contact is in place.
We have come to my family's for a holiday and my sons so happy. Really stuck
Hi OP.
How will contact be possible if you're so far away?
And would this be near your mum, because you said earlier in the thread that she was a nightmare to you.
But I'm sure it'll be nicer for you and your son to be away from the influences of your ex's family.
xx200xx · 26/04/2023 20:58
@TheShellBeach
This is what I'm worried about contact.
It would be a case of meeting sons Grandfather half way. When Sons father eventually starts driving I would have to meet him halfway.
I don't drive so it would be trains.
It's a lot to consider I'm really not sure.
My mum lives close to where I am now, not near my other family as they have no contact with her.
TheShellBeach · 26/04/2023 21:07
xx200xx · 26/04/2023 20:58
@TheShellBeach
This is what I'm worried about contact.
It would be a case of meeting sons Grandfather half way. When Sons father eventually starts driving I would have to meet him halfway.
I don't drive so it would be trains.
It's a lot to consider I'm really not sure.
My mum lives close to where I am now, not near my other family as they have no contact with her.
It wouldn't be safe for you to meet your ex though (once he learns to drive).
I think you should see what the court says about contact before moving anywhere. I can easily imagine your ex kicking off if he found out you were disappearing into the blue yonder with DS.
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 23:51
xx200xx · 01/05/2023 23:35
He's now not paying his maintenance... this guy is beyond worse. My son deserves so much better🥲
So sorry to read this.
Completely predictable though.
How the fuck does he think the court will give him any access when he isn't even paying maintenance.
TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 00:35
£27? Wow. How generous.
Seriously though - I'm not a lawyer so I have no idea if that can be used against him in a court. I would ask whoever is helping and representing you.
You could always mention it yourself lol.
I don't see why he should be allowed to get away with that. Pathetic. What a loser.
Redlarge · 02/05/2023 06:20
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 23:51
So sorry to read this.
Completely predictable though.
How the fuck does he think the court will give him any access when he isn't even paying maintenance.
xx200xx · 01/05/2023 23:35
He's now not paying his maintenance... this guy is beyond worse. My son deserves so much better🥲
They do. Happened to me. Still not paying. They say the maintenance is nothing to do with them. A relationship with thier father is more important, despite the evidence that he is happy to push the children into hardship and go without just to make mums life more difficult.
Zola1 · 02/05/2023 12:42
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 23:51
So sorry to read this.
Completely predictable though.
How the fuck does he think the court will give him any access when he isn't even paying maintenance.
xx200xx · 01/05/2023 23:35
He's now not paying his maintenance... this guy is beyond worse. My son deserves so much better🥲
The judge doesn't care if he's not paying maintenance, as he isn't paying for access to his child like a pay per view.
The two issues are separate.
OP, the refuge staff will be working on it with you, but you just need to be really explicit and clear about exactly what the risks to your son are through contact with his dad. So not about whats convenient etc, nothing that comes across as petty. Just focused risks and why you don't think it's safe.
TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 12:49
Zola1 · 02/05/2023 12:42
The judge doesn't care if he's not paying maintenance, as he isn't paying for access to his child like a pay per view.
The two issues are separate.
OP, the refuge staff will be working on it with you, but you just need to be really explicit and clear about exactly what the risks to your son are through contact with his dad. So not about whats convenient etc, nothing that comes across as petty. Just focused risks and why you don't think it's safe.
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 23:51
So sorry to read this.
Completely predictable though.
How the fuck does he think the court will give him any access when he isn't even paying maintenance.
xx200xx · 01/05/2023 23:35
He's now not paying his maintenance... this guy is beyond worse. My son deserves so much better🥲
That's really good advice, OP.
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