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Parenting
Fleeing with my child
xx200xx · 03/02/2023 22:48
Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.
I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x
Godislaughingatme · 04/02/2023 02:52
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xx200xx · 04/02/2023 08:08
Thankyou so much everybody.
I just thought I would update everyone on my first night at the refuge and I must honestly say me and my son have had the best night sleep lastnight and got more hours then we have in the past week. I'm switching of my negative thoughts and focusing on the good.
Your words have helped me and mean the world to me! Xx
PrinceHaz · 04/02/2023 13:18
From your description of the various ways he’s been abusive and sometimes abusive in sight of your son , I would be wanting either no parental contact or supervised contact in a contact centre. I would push for this as I would not feel it would be guaranteed that your son would be safe with his father.
TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 17:03
xx200xx · 04/02/2023 15:32
I still can't help thinking I might have been over reacting the situation and took it so far. This is the main thing what's spinning in my head today x
Absolutely not. No way.
Try to imagine how horrible he'd be if you went back.
You have done the right thing, for yourself and your child.
Snarf23 · 04/02/2023 17:33
You’ve done the right thing. Everyone is saying the same thing! Do not take your son back to this!
Gor the foreseeable I’d want supervised contact only with your son. He may use him against you in his controlling ways
Dont contact or reply to contact. Block. Do not rise to him in calls or messages he could try and use against you. No contact.
Keep any evidence of abuse
Listen to the police or social worker, refuge workers and your solicitors. Not family or him. Take all the support you can get.
xx200xx · 04/02/2023 20:07
I just spoke to the domestic abuse worker, and talking about it made me see how bad of a person he is and definitely not a great dad.
We also think by my sons dads dad messaging people is another way to get a reaction out of me. So I'm ignoring a blocking. It's gonna be a hard journey but I will thank myself at the end of it. Just want me baby to be happy❤️x
TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 22:02
xx200xx · 04/02/2023 20:07
I just spoke to the domestic abuse worker, and talking about it made me see how bad of a person he is and definitely not a great dad.
We also think by my sons dads dad messaging people is another way to get a reaction out of me. So I'm ignoring a blocking. It's gonna be a hard journey but I will thank myself at the end of it. Just want me baby to be happy❤️x
That's very good advice.
Your support worker is quite right. He is not a good dad.
Keep strong!
Relaxingambience · 04/02/2023 22:11
Wow you are a warrior! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but after reading your story, I am honestly so proud of you ❤️
You have ABSOLUTELY made the right decision for you and your son. The next few days, weeks and (months even) may not be easy but you are now on the path of light, success and happiness.
Staying would’ve only caused heartbreak after heartbreak and you would have never been happy and experience true love, which is what you deserve.
Your sons father may still be allowed access via the courts but I’m assuming this would be supervised at least until he proves himself safe. If he chooses not to go for contact, then at least you will know that you gave him the chance. In a perfect world children should grow up with 2 parents in a household but that doesn’t always work out for the best. Your son is far better off with a mum that has her peace of mind, sanity and safety in tact. He will be fine without his dad, he has his guardian angel after all 👼
xx200xx · 04/02/2023 23:20
Relaxingambience · 04/02/2023 22:11
Wow you are a warrior! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but after reading your story, I am honestly so proud of you ❤️
You have ABSOLUTELY made the right decision for you and your son. The next few days, weeks and (months even) may not be easy but you are now on the path of light, success and happiness.
Staying would’ve only caused heartbreak after heartbreak and you would have never been happy and experience true love, which is what you deserve.
Your sons father may still be allowed access via the courts but I’m assuming this would be supervised at least until he proves himself safe. If he chooses not to go for contact, then at least you will know that you gave him the chance. In a perfect world children should grow up with 2 parents in a household but that doesn’t always work out for the best. Your son is far better off with a mum that has her peace of mind, sanity and safety in tact. He will be fine without his dad, he has his guardian angel after all 👼
This honestly made my heart melt. I cannot get over all of this support ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I just feel like I'm not a warrior and I wasn't put through enough to be one. I just know there are people in much worse situations and because mine was very sneaky at how he done things it's still hard to accept the abuse part of that makes sense. I feel as if he could of out me through much more then what happened. But it was all damaging especially now I sit back and think of stuff like I know it was abuse and so bad it's just hard to accept myself as a victim.
Even the day I was in labour he had to make it all about him and went to A&E due to being sick constantly, so he missed the birth and stayed in bed for 2 weeks so I was doing everything after having a baby. But I can't help but think he faked that too, purely because he was okay to have s*x with me the night before I had my son but then the moment I'm on the way to the hospital he's constantly being sick. Even when he left A&E while I was in labour he didn't message until I messaged him. Even when I'm poorly all of a sudden he's 10x worse after going to work perfectly fine. Things are starting to add up and it's hard to wrap my head around it. Why would someone be like this???😢
TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 23:37
Wow OP. He sounds awful.
Really self centered.
No empathy or sympathy. Just only interested in himself.
You don't have to go through years and years of being beaten up to deserve another chance.
I think you've been really brave to get away.
Please don't think of going back to him as he doesn't deserve you or your child.
It doesn't sound like he's a good dad at all.
Focus on the future with your baby. You both deserve to be happy.
xx200xx · 05/02/2023 17:27
Update: I had his phone cancelled todya as he has tried getting me in debt by not paying it.
His father (my sons grandad) is now sending me messages saying that I have left a £2000 electric bill and just trying to scare me.
I was the only one paying for the electric bill there so I'm confused as to why I'm getting messages like this.
Anyone would think I had a child with him also. So this definitely made me slightly uncomfortable with anxiety but I just need to think there far away and it's more likely threats.
TheShellBeach · 05/02/2023 17:41
xx200xx · 05/02/2023 17:27
Update: I had his phone cancelled todya as he has tried getting me in debt by not paying it.
His father (my sons grandad) is now sending me messages saying that I have left a £2000 electric bill and just trying to scare me.
I was the only one paying for the electric bill there so I'm confused as to why I'm getting messages like this.
Anyone would think I had a child with him also. So this definitely made me slightly uncomfortable with anxiety but I just need to think there far away and it's more likely threats.
Just ignore him.
Pay no attention.
Do not answer.
You're doing very well.
xx200xx · 05/02/2023 18:36
CornishTiger · 05/02/2023 18:06
You need to block them all.
I would suggest you close all your social media’s too.
The refuge staff can help but you need to choose whether to participate in the games he’s trying to play.
I have came of all social media. I needed to message my sons grandfather over the debt to see what he can do. But because I cancelled the phone it's backfired. I have blocked all of them agian and didn't reply to him.
Im worried that there gonna try and do something to get me in trouble. I can't see them giving up on this at all! Sorry everyone for constantly posting I just have no one to speak to and it helps get things of my chest x
Twillow · 05/02/2023 23:56
Hi again. It's rerally hard but try to stop doubting yourself - every thing you add about him is utterly awful.
Regarding the electic bill, I strongly advise that you (or even your DA worker?) contact the supplier and explain the situation. As you now have a new address you need to get off the contract, they will tell you what is owed and how to deal with it. Ignore ex and his father. They have made their own bed.
xx200xx · 06/02/2023 02:07
Twillow · 05/02/2023 23:56
Hi again. It's rerally hard but try to stop doubting yourself - every thing you add about him is utterly awful.
Regarding the electic bill, I strongly advise that you (or even your DA worker?) contact the supplier and explain the situation. As you now have a new address you need to get off the contract, they will tell you what is owed and how to deal with it. Ignore ex and his father. They have made their own bed.
Hello, the electric isn't even in my name. It's in my soms grandfathers name. But he's saying I owe that x
DuchessOfEndor · 06/02/2023 15:35
Oh babe, that is an incredibly brave decision. I didn't read the thread, but I did take my 10yo from his dad he adored to save both our lives. He screamed and sobbed in the car for hours. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Nobody goes to a shelter to make a point or because they are overreacting. You did the right thing. The right thing for you, and the right thing for your child.
If you are not physically OR emotionally safe in the house with your child's father, than he is not a good dad. Nobody gets to abuse you, no matter how many of their children you have had, no matter what you put up with in the past, no matter how long you stayed. You deserve safety and calm just as much as your baby does. And I am so proud of you for realizing that, and taking the absolutely gutting, terrifying, life altering steps to get both of you out and safe.
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