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Parenting

Fleeing with my child

178 replies

xx200xx · 03/02/2023 22:48

Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.

I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x

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Helena1993 · 26/02/2023 06:07

I think you did the right thing. Don't go back just because you think your baby needs his dad. My mum stayed with my dad and I hate him more than anything and always tell my mum I wish she left him. My dad mentally destroyed me. And that may happen to your son too. Your partner threatens to kill himself to make you stay? That's crazy and shows that you need to distance yourself from him.
children at the age of 1 don't remember anything when they grow up. Don't wait until your baby gets even more attached to him at age 3 or 4. Baby's dad will still be able to see his child.

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xx200xx · 26/02/2023 11:05

My mums just told me ways to kill myself and said she couldn't care about me and my son. I know this isn't related to this topic but this has just put me in a awful place and struggling to get my head around this at the moment...

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YankeeDad · 26/02/2023 11:08

@xx200xx That is completely awful! It sounds like she has real issues. I am sorry that you will not have the support from her that you really should have.

You, on the other hand, sound like you head put together. It is not easy to do what you have done, and you have taken the very difficult first step! You are going in the right direction now, so all you need to do is keep going and the situation should get better for you and your child over time.

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TheShellBeach · 26/02/2023 11:57

That's awful of your mum. Why on earth does she feel like that about her own daughter and grandson?

You must be feeling so alone, if your family are not supportive. I hope she doesn't tell your ex where you are. Would she do that, do you think?

Or have you not told her where the refuge is - which sounds the most sensible thing. Maybe your ex did send your family the papers, as he threatened to?

They all sound so toxic. You have a long road to travel but you always sound so together and determined, @xx200xx One day you'll be able to look back at this and be amazed at what you went through and what you achieved, to make sure you and your little boy stay safe.

I hope you've told your refuge worker about this - I'm sure you have, but tell them about your mum telling you ways to kill yourself. You need the support.

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xx200xx · 26/02/2023 12:53

TheShellBeach · 26/02/2023 11:57

That's awful of your mum. Why on earth does she feel like that about her own daughter and grandson?

You must be feeling so alone, if your family are not supportive. I hope she doesn't tell your ex where you are. Would she do that, do you think?

Or have you not told her where the refuge is - which sounds the most sensible thing. Maybe your ex did send your family the papers, as he threatened to?

They all sound so toxic. You have a long road to travel but you always sound so together and determined, @xx200xx One day you'll be able to look back at this and be amazed at what you went through and what you achieved, to make sure you and your little boy stay safe.

I hope you've told your refuge worker about this - I'm sure you have, but tell them about your mum telling you ways to kill yourself. You need the support.

She's caused so many problems for us growing up and this is why non of her family speak to her!

She has no clue where I am she was trying to get information to find out also and I will not tell her a thing.

They are all as bad as each other and I'm gonna let them be.
At the moment I just feel like this road will never end but once it's over I will be able to breath again. There is a lot of worry and anxiety and the thought of people believing the lies everyone else is saying is hard enough on it's own.
I have spoke to the staff and luckily my support worker will be in tonight so I will speak to her! X

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TheShellBeach · 26/02/2023 19:49

xx200xx · 26/02/2023 12:53

She's caused so many problems for us growing up and this is why non of her family speak to her!

She has no clue where I am she was trying to get information to find out also and I will not tell her a thing.

They are all as bad as each other and I'm gonna let them be.
At the moment I just feel like this road will never end but once it's over I will be able to breath again. There is a lot of worry and anxiety and the thought of people believing the lies everyone else is saying is hard enough on it's own.
I have spoke to the staff and luckily my support worker will be in tonight so I will speak to her! X

I promise you that it will end. I know it seems endless at the moment but you'll get there.
One day you'll look back on this and wonder where the time went.
I'm sorry your mum isn't kind or supportive.

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xx200xx · 26/02/2023 20:06

Thankyou!! After a horrible morning my family not by blood but they are 100% family came and seen me and took me and my son out for the day. It's definitely made me feel better and I probably had one of the best days I have had in ages.

I just can't help but feel guilty for my son seeing me sad. He put his arm around me todya when I cried. I'm just looking at him feeling awful for the way I am. But I know I'm going to get stronger for him and we can create our future!! I'm waiting to speak to the mental health team as I think I may be struggling with a lot of stuff. Also therapy but they have me doing CBT but it isn't working so hopefully I can go on to a talking therapy as there is lots to unwrap I think!!

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Starlightstarbright1 · 26/02/2023 20:22

Late to the thread...

However just wanted to say i went into a refuge when my ds was 10 months old- it took me a while it isn't all I am out of this situation all happy but my life has definitely improved.

Do look at the freedom program -

Have no interaction with any negative people-

Focus on building a life for you and your Ds

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TheShellBeach · 26/02/2023 21:36

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/02/2023 20:22

Late to the thread...

However just wanted to say i went into a refuge when my ds was 10 months old- it took me a while it isn't all I am out of this situation all happy but my life has definitely improved.

Do look at the freedom program -

Have no interaction with any negative people-

Focus on building a life for you and your Ds

I agree with having no contact with negative people. Definitely bad for you.
I stopped talking to both my sisters years ago.

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xx200xx · 06/03/2023 15:14

His solicitor sent my solicitor a court application for child contact.
Hes gone for split custody on there. It also states there is no domestic abuse or drug use. That's a lie, my sons father is really bad on the weed and has not gone a day without smoking it since I have met him.

I have evidence to back my case up. I just can't help but really worry where all of this is going to go now!!

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xx200xx · 08/03/2023 20:30

statement today.

His dad denied everything and said I was the controlling one and how he was very supportive of me when I wanted to go out. He also denied smoking weed because he gets drug tested and it's negative, but then stated he does it on a weekend. He twisted it on me and said I smoke weed everydya and even in the house with my son. His grandfather also said the same.

My sons dad said I was controlling and I was the one who didn't let him go out, and I would scream at him for talking to any girls. He has no evidence for this his points at all. Expect from 1 part where I'm saying I'm struggling with my son and trying to get him to work on stuff.

His grandfather has completely gone on to different subjects by bringing my mental health into stuff, and lying saying I was always in and out of my sons dads bedroom. They have lied about so much stuff with hardly any evidence.

I'm still very scared about what the judges going to think. By the looks of it his grandfather is trying to get my son took of me!
Really upset to be honest

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xx200xx · 10/03/2023 21:05

I just thought I would let you know he changed his surname to avoid paying child maintenance. However the child maintained office has now found him and are going to contact him.
Surely this won't look good on his part?

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NaturalBae · 11/03/2023 10:35

No, it won’t look good on his part.

Are you still in the refuge?

Continue to get lots of advice from the refuge workers and Women’s Aid.

You’re doing a great job. Good luck 🍀

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xx200xx · 11/03/2023 19:43

NaturalBae · 11/03/2023 10:35

No, it won’t look good on his part.

Are you still in the refuge?

Continue to get lots of advice from the refuge workers and Women’s Aid.

You’re doing a great job. Good luck 🍀

Hello,
Yes I'm still in the refuge. I think for the support it's for the best.

My confidence has came along massively within the space of a month!! X

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Bunnyishotandcross · 11/03/2023 20:01

I would like to add op when you get any letters from his solicitor however scarey and threatening they are they carry no weight... meaning his solicitor can't make you do what the letter says
. Only a judge can order your ex sees your baby. Your ex can't demand. He can't not pay financially either - whatever name he uses.
Lots of evidence can be gathered from both sides. Doesn't mean your ex will be believed. In fact the more crap he tries to pass off as true is him digging himself a bigger hole. You can do this op. You are keeping your baby safe. Not all dm's can do that. Feel proud of you op.
We all are!

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NaturalBae · 12/03/2023 10:37

xx200xx · 11/03/2023 19:43

Hello,
Yes I'm still in the refuge. I think for the support it's for the best.

My confidence has came along massively within the space of a month!! X

Great. I think so too.

That’s good to hear. Stay strong.

Their lying and underhand tactics will be obvious to everyone involved. Continue to ignore them. Don’t communicate directly with them, as that’s exactly what they want. Keep any messages they send to you so you have receipts (proof/evidence).

Do not share your refuge location with anyone, and not under any circumstances. It’s likely that you will need to keep details of wherever you end of living a secret for a while too.

Your focus is your child, you, your peace and a much happier future x

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NaturalBae · 12/03/2023 10:38

*you end up living, a secret for a while too.

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xx200xx · 13/03/2023 13:07

So we have another hearing in 1 month, we are just waiting on police records, Gp letter, Social worker letter and my domestic abuse support worker letter.
His solicitor tried saying no to having these however we are aloud to have them. He only has his dad as a witness who also lied on his statement. So it all depends on these letter and police records if it goes to a big hearing.

Then we have the 50/50 custody battle. What are the chances of him getting joint lives custody as that's what he applied for. My sons only 1 years old and we live over an hour away. I have always been my sons my primary caregiver as his dad works. I have done most of it on my own. I do have a solicitor who's going to help me, but I can't help that worry he will be awarded joint lives custody? Any advice please??

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samqueens · 13/03/2023 13:13

You’re doing amazingly OP! We are all rotting for you. Try not to let the letters scare you - the more he lies over things you can prove the weaker his case will be. I really empathise with your fear over custody, but one step at a time - just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
good luck!!

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samqueens · 13/03/2023 13:13

Rooting for you (not rotting for you!!) 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

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xx200xx · 13/03/2023 13:29

samqueens · 13/03/2023 13:13

You’re doing amazingly OP! We are all rotting for you. Try not to let the letters scare you - the more he lies over things you can prove the weaker his case will be. I really empathise with your fear over custody, but one step at a time - just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
good luck!!

Thankyou so much xxx

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samqueens · 13/03/2023 13:43

Xx 💐💐💪🏼💪🏼

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TheShellBeach · 13/03/2023 14:34

xx200xx · 10/03/2023 21:05

I just thought I would let you know he changed his surname to avoid paying child maintenance. However the child maintained office has now found him and are going to contact him.
Surely this won't look good on his part?

Hi there. No, it will look terrible when the judge hears about it.

And the BS they're trying to say about you, with no evidence, will not be good for their case either.

You're the one with the evidence. You're the one who had to leave with your child, to keep both of you safe from harm. You're the one in the refuge.

It won't look good for him at all.

Also - you asked about joint custody. I have no idea what evidence is going to be presented by both sides, but a man whose partner has to flee to a refuge is not going to be looked on favourably. A man who changed his surname to avoid paying for his child is also not going to be looked on favourably. And as he has a long-standing drug habit, that will not go down well either.

I think it'll all work out okay in the end. My ex got visitation at the weekends, but he soon got fed up of having the children round. He never sees them at all now.

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TheShellBeach · 18/03/2023 23:10

How are you, OP?

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TheShellBeach · 23/03/2023 13:42

You haven't posted for a while, OP. I hope you and your little boy are all right.

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