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Parenting
Fleeing with my child
xx200xx · 03/02/2023 22:48
Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.
I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x
xx200xx · 08/02/2023 00:25
Hello everyone,
Thankyou all for your lovley comments and just being there.
I'm feeling okay I guess, I think today I was feeling kind of sad but I heard that's normal after a few days. Im not sleeping properly so that won't help.
But overall im slowly getting there. Just taking each day as it is.
I really appreciate every single one of use xxx
BritInAus · 08/02/2023 00:56
You are a wonderful mother and a very brave woman.
This 'man' is an abusive waste of space, and sounds like his family are awful too.
Please keep them all blocked and ignore any stupid threats.
With an abusive man, I too would suggest having his contact with his child (if he actually wants it - many men like this don't bother, or stop after long) with a social worker present.
Please try to stop doubting yourself. You're living in the shadow of abuse... but the sun will shine again x
sunshinenroses · 08/02/2023 19:59
Congratulations on being an amazing mother by getting your son out of a toxic and dangerous situation. It must have been so hard to make the leap and you did it, you should be so proud. I've been in a similar situation and I understand the guilt, but as time passes you'll see there is no guilt to be had because you've kept him safe- physically and emotionally, and that your job as a mother. Keep making good decisions, you're doing amazing!
xx200xx · 09/02/2023 00:15
Again everyone thankyou so much❤️❤️❤️
He was trying to ring me today on no caller Id, I answered and he was asking for my email to send to a solicitor. He said he's sent evidently and there was never domestic abuse.
I really shouldn't of answered but he wouldn't stop ringing me, but I now have turnt no caller id of.
I let him get to me again but after speaking to the lady's in the refuge they was able to make me feel relaxed.
I have a therapy session tomorrow morning so hopefully that helps x
TheShellBeach · 09/02/2023 00:24
xx200xx · 09/02/2023 00:15
Again everyone thankyou so much❤️❤️❤️
He was trying to ring me today on no caller Id, I answered and he was asking for my email to send to a solicitor. He said he's sent evidently and there was never domestic abuse.
I really shouldn't of answered but he wouldn't stop ringing me, but I now have turnt no caller id of.
I let him get to me again but after speaking to the lady's in the refuge they was able to make me feel relaxed.
I have a therapy session tomorrow morning so hopefully that helps x
Well done on blocking him again.
You're doing brilliantly.
xx200xx · 09/02/2023 19:38
Him and his dad have got a solicitor involved. I received an email asking for my sons dad and grandad to have him next weekend.
There is no chance I'm gonna allow that and the woman in the refuge also said it's best not to. I have however sent the email to my solicitor and she will deal with it.
I'm so scared he's gonna get 50/50 or even get custody or our son.
He rung me 10 times in the space of 20 mins today (sons father) and sent me a WhatsApp, however I blocked him straight away as he is using a new number.
My heads all over just worried that there gonna be able to just have my child without anything put in place. He said 2 days ago that he's sent evidence over and it's not domestic abuse. I told him to leave me alone.
I have so much proof of controlling behaviour and manipulation and photo evidence of bruises. Also the message where he admits the pushing me and blames me.
Really what are the chances of him getting his own way? 😭😭
Twillow · 09/02/2023 19:57
Don't worry too much about the 'evidence' on either side. The fact that you have a refuge place means a great deal - they are not easy to obtain. Keep posting on here for advice and support - lots of people (sadly) have been through similar.
He is highly likely to get at least visitation and potentially some custody, its hard to say as yet. Stick with whatever the support worker is advising on this. You will probably never completely be free of him due to having a child in common but you will learn (already are!) how much of what he says and does is about control rather than the child's interests, and how to deal with it. It does get easier not to react and get upset. Have you heard of 'grey rock' technique?
TheShellBeach · 09/02/2023 20:45
Hi OP.
I think the chances of his getting 50/50 custody are really, really remote. I also think he's only asking for it to show you who's boss. It's just another move in his controlling game.
When it came down to it, my ex (who was violent) showed very little interest in our children after we'd split up. He never paid anything towards them, either. I was just glad not to be living with him any more. Honestly, try not to worry about custody.
You have evidence and your ex will show his true colours to the judge when it comes to court, trust me.
I am filled with admiration for you and the way you've put yourself and your child out of harm's way. Ignoring your ex and his relations is the best thing to do. It will show them that they no longer have any power over you.
Well done on getting through another day.
TheShellBeach · 09/02/2023 20:48
"My heads all over just worried that there gonna be able to just have my child without anything put in place"
That won't happen. There will have to be supervised visitation first.
If your ex is really keen to see his child he will have to go to a contact centre. That's too bad. He should have treated you both better.
LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:16
Well done for being so brave and making that break. We have your situation in common my first marriage many years ago and it took me a long time to get brave and leave. Luckily my son was only 2 months old and never saw any of the abuse etc against me. I got great support from police and social and family. Unfortunately he wasn't a good dad either and now my son from that is 13 and never seen him as the courts deemed him to dangerous to see him as unknown to me he had a huge past of abuse and charges...Now I'm in a marriage 5th year 3 babies a very supportive loving hubby and great dad to his and the 13 yr old. Be brave, stay strong, you will get a man who deserves you eventually. I waited a few years concentrated on my baby and then met the love of my life. Now im 35 and so happy and treat like a princess still everyday..Your a strong woman and your doing this not only because you love your child but because you have to love yourself xxx
Madamecastafiore · 09/02/2023 21:41
You e made a wonderful change in your circumstances for your little one. Seeing a parent abused is a slippery slope to ending up either as an abuser or as someone who accepts abuse in a relationship as the norm.
20 years ago I left my XH, my 2 year old witnessed him push me up against a wall and threaten me whilst choking me. I looked at her and thought I have to get out. She doesn't deserve this. 2 years later, a hideous amount of time and stress spent on solicitors and a court case and he got every other weekend and half school holidays. The judge saw through him and his family for what they were. My stepmother who he's got to stand up in court against me was told to leave by the judge.
You haven't taken anything from your child. You've given them the greatest gift you can, a life free of abuse and a happy mother, children are rarely happy if there mothers aren't.
My daughter can see what an absolute waste of space her father is, I gave her a fantastic childhood with a lovely stepfather who she saw treat me as men are supposed to treat their partners. Her relationships are based on that example rather than the abusive one she would have seen with her father.
Please please do not doubt yourself, it'll be hard over the coming months. They'll more than likely ramp up the abuse and threats but I'd report what's happened so far to the police so there is a record when things invariably escalate. Take all the advice and help you can get at the refuge and believe in yourself, believe that you're doing the right thing for both you and your child. You are bloody amazing!
AthenaPopodopolous · 09/02/2023 21:53
Contact the social worker and ask them to facilitate child contact via a contact centre twice a week. Secondly, contact your mobile phone provider to change your phone number, they’ll do it free if you tell them the circumstances. Keep it safe and never give the number to any of his family or him. All communication should be via the social work or a solicitor.
Third, get a house sorted out and never go back to him. You can register as homeless and be made a priority for social housing.
You also need to put your baby first as domestic abuse and coercive control is such a big risk to their safety and emotional well-being, so be aware of that and keep away from your ex.
xx200xx · 09/02/2023 22:10
Yet again everybody Thankyou!! Use are honestly helping me get through this. It's such a lonley feeling. I mean it to everyone of use and I wish I could thank every single one person by person. I see all your comments and they really put a smile on my face and encourage me to stay happy.
He hasn't bothered to contact for a while until he spoke to his solicitor. I assume he got told how much it would cost him and now he's trying to get through to me to make an agreement.
Im I'm such a happier place already compared to when I first wrote on here!
I now know I have made the right decision and my son wakes up soooo happy. I can see a difference in him. I always treated are son like a burden, he did okay with him but it was a case of me doing everything. After sitting back and looking at are messages from the very beginning, it was very clear I was used by him and potentially his father in a way. I'm just trying to block them all out. My social worker is also keeping a record of this. My anxiety is still high but I keep reminding myself to live in the moment and what ever happens, happens.
It's the fact he hasn't heard from me he's probably confused as that's what he wants and a reaction to show someone and make out in the bad person. But he's not getting it. I have already planned days out with my son because there is lots to do, and just thinking for my future and trying to stay positive. Sooner or later people will see him and potentially his dad for who they are. My sons grandfather claims he was there for me, but it's got thrown in my face massively and I have just opened my eyes so much🤞🏽❤️❤️ and for all the lady's that have gone through this or similar you should all be so proud of yourself also🥰🥰
xx200xx · 09/02/2023 22:13
Twillow · 09/02/2023 19:57
Don't worry too much about the 'evidence' on either side. The fact that you have a refuge place means a great deal - they are not easy to obtain. Keep posting on here for advice and support - lots of people (sadly) have been through similar.
He is highly likely to get at least visitation and potentially some custody, its hard to say as yet. Stick with whatever the support worker is advising on this. You will probably never completely be free of him due to having a child in common but you will learn (already are!) how much of what he says and does is about control rather than the child's interests, and how to deal with it. It does get easier not to react and get upset. Have you heard of 'grey rock' technique?
Yes I have heard of this!! Funnily enough this is how he used to be in the relationship with me when I would try have a conversation.
If needs be I will be using this technique, but at the moment it's a case of ignoring him completely. But yes if I ever speak to him I will be giving him the most minimal answers like this.
I'm pretty sure it's what I think it is haha
OgdensGoneNutFlake · 11/02/2023 19:56
How are you getting on OP? I've been so impressed by how you're handling this. ..I'd imagine your ex will be playing some games with you by now because he's realising you're serious so please remember to keep focused on why you're doing it if he does.
xx200xx · 11/02/2023 20:58
Hello everyone,
I'm getting there, however I went to collect my stuff today with someone I know. I did stay in the car. However my stuff was packed and in bags. There was rubbish in with my stuff, coffee spilt on some stuff, my olaplex was leaked on my PlayStation, a jar of sick in there. The one thing I wanted was my baby's new born stuff and that's the one thing I didn't receive however I'm not surprised. I was really upset at first but calmed down and didn't even give them a reaction. I'm pretty sure my sons grandad packed my bags, it just goes to show really. Thankyou for checking up x
NaturalBae · 11/02/2023 21:12
You’ve definitely and absolutely done the right thing.
My Mum, my toddler Sister and I fled to a refuge 30 years ago, after a visit to A&E when I was a teen. It was the best move for us.
I hope this helps:
outofthefog.website/
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#know-when-to-use-it
👍🏽x
TheShellBeach · 11/02/2023 22:10
FFS.
A jar of sick?
Who does that!
Did you take photos so that you can show the court when it comes to the custody hearing?
None of that family deserves to see your child. They sound like savages.
Well done on getting some of your stuff and staying strong, OP.
xx200xx · 11/02/2023 22:29
TheShellBeach · 11/02/2023 22:10
FFS.
A jar of sick?
Who does that!
Did you take photos so that you can show the court when it comes to the custody hearing?
None of that family deserves to see your child. They sound like savages.
Well done on getting some of your stuff and staying strong, OP.
Unfortunately I didn't take pictures. However I do have witnesses if that helps. My auntie who's a police officer said even with pictures it could be hard as they can deny it. But 3 witnesses and 1 main witness
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