Fleeing with my child

[xx200xx]

Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.

I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x

[stonedaisy]

A decent man would never treat his child's mother like this. His behaviour is harmful for your son by hurting you.
You have done the right thing, you could not have stayed in this situation.

[xx200xx]

@stonedaisy

A decent man would never treat his child's mother like this. His behaviour is harmful for your son by hurting you.
You have done the right thing, you could not have stayed in this situation.

Thankyou it's mixed emotions of if I did the right thing. I can't go back to that city as he will be bad mouthing me and turning everyone against me. He isn't thinking of the consequences and impact it's having!

[stonedaisy]

I hope you can get a fresh start somewhere and my advice would be to try and get to as many baby groups and community gatherings for young children as possible as you'll meet other mums and build some friendships and connections x

[nurserypolitics]

What you've done is absolutely the best thing you could for your son, and the fact you've managed to do it while so many people in your life were trying to convince you it wasn't the right choice is incredibly brave. I can see why your social worker said she's proud of you.

Is there support in the refuge, people to talk to? As others have said, watching his father abuse you, and children can always sense the atmosphere even if people think they're protecting them from it, would have done so much more damage to your son. Reach out to your social worker and any workers in the refuge for support, its a huge adjustment and its normal to think you've made the wrong choice but now is the time to stay strong and imagine the kind of future you and your son can have together.

[msmatcha]

Well done for getting away from that toxic man. Absolutely the right decision. Keep going OP - you are heading in the right direction.

[TheShellBeach]

You've done the right thing.
No question about it.
Well done. You and your son deserve so much better.
I hope things start to improve in your lives soon, but in the meantime, rest assured that you've done the best thing possible.

[xx200xx]

Thankyou so much everyone! These comments made me smile definitely. Parts of me know it was the right decision but I just think parts of me just needed some reassurance on the situation. I have been gaslighted and manipulated so much for 2 years so this maybe why I'm feeling like this.

I'm going to get him into some baby group and community groups. Staff here are so lovley and Welcoming and I feel so much at ease and actually excited for my future. I just need to get an agreement with the courts and see if I can have custody and he has him in set weekends. Atlesst then I know he will return home and he can see his dad. Just hope things go to plan for my little ones sake🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽x

[nocoolnamesleft]

You have done really well to get yourself, and your son, out of there. Witnessing domestic violence is bad for children, especially as they get old enough to start to understand. Seeing his dad treat you like shit is no way to learn about healthy relationships. You being a shadow of yourself because you're being abused is not good for your child. You may think you got out of there to protect yourself, but by doing so you protect your son. You acted as a good mother, and a strong woman. Stay strong. Do not go back. Instead, look forward to the future you can build with, and for, your son.

[MichaelKeaton]

You have saved your son from this man. Either he would have eventually become a victim of his father, or, he’d have learned from his father that women are there to be abused. Neither bear thinking about.

Your former partner is a terrible, terrible person. You are brave and you have escaped. The struggle may not be over but you have done the hardest bit. You’ve escaped him.

Don’t let the toxic voices of those people enter your head. Know you’ve done the right thing, for you and your son.

[xx200xx]

Thankyou again!

Yes my sons witnessed it once when he pushed me on the stairs while he was carrying him leaving me with a nasty bruise on my leg. This was because I supposedly nearly kicked my son while waking up the stairs. But i definitely know that wasn't the case he was angry because I was going out and he didn't believe where I was going!

So yes the last thing I want is my son seeing stuff like that and thinking it normal and okay❤️

[Mydogatemypurse]

Stay in the refuge.your son is so lucky to have you. Stay away
No contact
Do not feel bad or guilty. Get all the help you can

[xx200xx]

Can I just add, he's trying to get 50/50!custody of are son.
I'm really not feeling okay about this as I don't trust he will return him as threats have been made.

He's been recording every phone call and some I have snapped bad on at him. So I'm just really worried this will be used against me.

I have got a solicitor involved now so I just hope we can come to an agreement where a court order is out in place.

Does anyone know the chances of him having 50-50 custody with me having to go into a refuge? Police are also being called due to him threating.

[MichaelKeaton]

Can you evidence his abuse of you? Any tests or photos of your injuries?

[MichaelKeaton]

Texts*

[TheShellBeach]

@xx200xx

Can I just add, he's trying to get 50/50!custody of are son.
I'm really not feeling okay about this as I don't trust he will return him as threats have been made.

He's been recording every phone call and some I have snapped bad on at him. So I'm just really worried this will be used against me.

I have got a solicitor involved now so I just hope we can come to an agreement where a court order is out in place.

Does anyone know the chances of him having 50-50 custody with me having to go into a refuge? Police are also being called due to him threating.

Very unlikely he'll get much custody if he's been so abusive you've ended up in a refuge.
It's probably all bluster on his past anyway. These men usually aren't keen on looking after their children.
He's just threatening you to be nasty and controlling.
Record all conversations. Keep them brief.

[Firsttimemum120]

trust me you’ve done the best thing as a mother you’ve left and every service here to help you will recognise that.

You will feel guilty you will feel pain but one day you will see this as one of the best things you’ve ever done.

I’ve left my abusive partner today too and been no direct contact and he’s trying to get through to me via my mum about our child but she isn’t tolerating him either.

they are not “good dads” no meaning of the word if they were good dads they wouldn’t treat us like this they wouldn’t ignore their existence of the child and they would understand the need for a calm positive environment for your child to feel safe and grow. They don’t care about the children it’s all about controlling us and getting to us and that is the only reason he’s going for 50/50 if he really did that he’d actually have to do the hard work

[xx200xx]

@MichaelKeaton

Can you evidence his abuse of you? Any tests or photos of your injuries?

Yes I have pictures of bruises of my leg! Also messages of him basically admitting. I got messages of him threatening to kill himself also if I left in. He's trying to gather evidence on mr because some messages I have been a bit nasty back to him...
but messages where I'm begging him to make bottles and stuff too.

[xx200xx]

@Firsttimemum120

trust me you’ve done the best thing as a mother you’ve left and every service here to help you will recognise that.

You will feel guilty you will feel pain but one day you will see this as one of the best things you’ve ever done.

I’ve left my abusive partner today too and been no direct contact and he’s trying to get through to me via my mum about our child but she isn’t tolerating him either.

they are not “good dads” no meaning of the word if they were good dads they wouldn’t treat us like this they wouldn’t ignore their existence of the child and they would understand the need for a calm positive environment for your child to feel safe and grow. They don’t care about the children it’s all about controlling us and getting to us and that is the only reason he’s going for 50/50 if he really did that he’d actually have to do the hard work

You should be proud of yourself also then! Its nor easy one little bit but it can only get better from now on🤞🏽
I'm not sure why some men think they can have this control over us it's mind blowing!
Him and his father keep ringing the social worker and she's even said she has seen a different side to him and she knows what there trying to do!

[Twillow]

Bless you, you have done so well. What you've written here is more than enough to tell me you've done the right thing.
Regarding this:if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children
Focus on this instead- it really helped me see that I was harming my children by staying in an abusive relationship: the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

[quietnightmare]

No excuse for abuse

[xx200xx]

@Twillow

Bless you, you have done so well. What you've written here is more than enough to tell me you've done the right thing.
Regarding this:if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children
Focus on this instead- it really helped me see that I was harming my children by staying in an abusive relationship: the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

I love this!!! Yes that's so true. My son definitely was getting affected by the end. I feel awful about it but I can't change the past but I can decide my future and make it up to him. New beginnings are scary but it's what u make of them I guess x

[samqueens]

You’re incredibly brave and you should be proud of yourself. I’m so glad to hear your social worker sees that and sees through the bullshit.

There may be times in future when your son struggles with what happened and who his dad is, but carry on loving and protecting him and take one day at a time. He’s just a baby right now. There’s a thread on here by a mum whose exH is abusive to her sons - heartbreaking. As PP have said - no decent father abuses a child’s mother.

I’m so sorry to hear your mum isn’t supporting you in this, that must be very hard to bear. But what she is doing is not ok, and none of this is your fault.

I really, really recommend reading a book called ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft - if you’re able to you can download it on kindle app. It is validating, insightful and compassionate. It made me feel much stronger.

You are doing brilliantly. Focus on healing yourself so you can also be present and loving for your little boy. You’re son is lucky to have you. Hold your head high. Keep going. 💐

[samqueens]

(Police may advise you apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you and your son - if not you can ask them about that. Women’s aid/refuge may also be able to advise. But it’s ok to take a minute as well - you’re going through a lot).

[AuntieSoap]

You can be really proud that you have the strength and courage to leave that situation and take your son to a safe place. You are doing the right thing. I admire you OP. Take all the help you can get.

[xx200xx]

My sons normally always calling for his dad, but he's not said his name once recently, I just hope in the future my son knows I did the right thing for him. As I been told he will hate me for it but that's in the future so I won't stress myself out listening to the silly comments. Appreciate your kind words so much xx