Mother of child won’t let me have my daughter overnight. Is she being unreasonable?

[Throwaway388]

Me and ex have a 15 month old baby together.

Me and ex split before we even knew she was pregnant. When I found out, and knew she would not get an abortion. I stayed with her during the pregnancy but we did not get back together. I supported her in all ways for the sake of the baby atleast.

I always loved my child and a bond was instant from when baby was born so don’t have the issue (or blessing in some cases) of not caring about/wanting baby.

Baby’s mum is the reason we argue as she is very spiteful that im not with her and set on making my life hard and asserting dominance and control anywhere she can. I have been doing everything on her terms for the last 15 months.

I have been going to her house just to be around my child and staying there overnight. We naively agreed that I would stick around until she feels baby is ‘old enough’ to coparent. We argue very frequently and this often ends up in her becoming violent (breaking my things, hitting me sometimes and I’ve had to defend myself before through restraining) and kicking me out the house in front of child.

Lately I have noticed my child hates it when we argue and starts moaning, so last week I decided it was the last straw after the usual argue/get kicked out/can’t see baby for over a week cycle.

I want my life back and want to be able to move on with my child properly without having to be around her.

She has agreed to let me have my baby 2 days a week during the day and drop baby off before dinner time. I want baby to stay overnight with me but mum is insistent it’s too early and that one day she will be ready to do it, but currently she is not comfortable with letting baby stay anywhere (implying I am on the same level as her sisters)

She has no problem leaving baby with me from morning til night where I do the bedtime routine etc while mum is out for friends bdays/parties/clubbing but has a problem with me doing this at my own house.

She doesn’t understand that I’m the child’s dad and have rights?

So I have spoke to mediators who put me in touch with a lawyer for ‘advice’. The lawyer called me this morning and tried to scare me into buying an hour consultation with them saying the only solution is to go straight for a court order as baby’s mum will never be cooperative, will only get worse etc etc I’ve had anxiety all morning from the call.

It’s like I’m used to this situation which others see as absolutely crazy but when I realize it’s not normal and it’s really bad it gives me anxiety. This is stressing me out a lot.

I pay towards baby’s mums rent every month and half gas and electric (which I’m not happy about but whatever) and half of baby’s needs e.g nappys milk wipes. I also on my own will buy baby toys and clothes more than what baby needs but just because I want to sondon’t mind that.

Currently my options are:

1. Run away, abandon baby and try to get over it (not going to do that)
2. Wait until baby’s mum is more cooperative and give it more time until she’s ‘comfortable’ with letting baby do overnights/try to talk her into it (been trying for ages it’s not working)
3. Initiate mediation which will go in my favor but scared to ‘take it there’ with baby’s mum as she could become even worse.
4. Go to court. Also scared to do this as mum could just make up lies and once a court order is in place it’s stuck. I have a friend who’s child’s mum lied in court and now he can’t see his kids at all after spending thousands.

I’m leaning towards option 2 but I’m really reaching the brink. I’m under stress constantly and it affects my daily life. I just don’t want any more drama and want to have some peace and be with my child regularly so they could have me and their mum and live a decent life with split parents.

What should I do? Am I being unreasonable? Is she being unreasonable?

This child is still very young. I think dropping her off before dinner is acceptable, she's not even 2 years old yet.

I agree that she is very young, it’s not something I’d be comfortable with, but others are.
‘If you absolutely want this now then court seems to be the way to go.

She's still young. She's probably waiting till she's a bit older

You seem very reasonable to me. And an extremely loving parent who wants best for their child.

I can't say which option is the best for you, but I definitely think you should be able to have her overnight.

My daughter spent nights with her grandparents from 5 months.

I think it's too soon, 15 months is still very young.

I'd say wait until baby is 2/3.

Poor baby, being exposed to all this. It's highly damaging even at this age. Just go to court. She can't just lie - she has to prove it. Your mate likely isn't telling you the full story. Courts give access to dads even in pretty extreme circumstances so you'd have to be pretty bad not to get it. Of course people can ignore court orders for a time but if they've actually drinker contact then the other party is telling the truth

I really feel for men who love their children and have to fight to be part of their lives. The shame is that your little girl would really thrive with a loving father as a consistent presence in her life.

I personally don’t think 15 months is too young - as long as you know your child and her routine I don’t see what the issue is.

I would be going through the legal routes too if I were you. Being domestically abused is not acceptable and this child needs to grow up around stable, responsible behaviour.

I think you need to keep things as amicable as possible. She’s a baby, be a good responsible dad, support your child etc and show the mother you are trustworthy and will look after baby. She will either give you more or become more irrational etc and want baby to herself in which case you would need to go down an official route for access.

I want to try and understand this type of thinking so help me pls… why is it okay for baby to be with the mum but not with the dad? Why is baby not ‘too young’ to be with the mum alone?

aren’t fathers equal parents?

Why should my relationship with my child have to be damaged until baby is 2/3 years old? Then when they do end up doing overnights, won’t be used to it and will be crying etc. I want to try and understand this type of thinking so help me pls… why is it okay for baby to be with the mum but not with the dad? Why is baby not ‘too young’ to be with the mum alone?

Aren’t fathers equal parents?

If it's too young then that's that. No way would I be happy being apart from my kids overnight at that age. I grew them inside me, fed them breastmilk and provide love and comfort in a way their dad simply cannot.

My son is only 9 months and hasn't been away from me and if I was to split up from my partner I wouldn't be comfortable with him staying over till he was much older plus planning to breastfeed till 2 and he sometimes feeds for comfort especially during the night

I would gonwoth the extended days away from mum initially. It builds a picture that you can look after the baby/child. You might find that it becomes convenient for mum for you to keep baby overnight- otherwise I would start to push for this to happen after baby's second birthday - making sure you keep record of all contact up to that point.

In terms of what tou are paying - get yourself on to the cms calculator. Work out what you need to pay according to your earnings and see how that fits with what you are paying now - it doesn't matter what mum uses that money for. Again paying consistently I line with cms and in a provable way will help your case if it gets to court. I would ensure you have enough clothes/change bag for the time you have her (have toys etc at yours for her) but stop buying other stuff for mums place.

In the end you might have to go to mediation/court - but if you follow a process of having the child consistently for longer periods of time by yourself you should have much less to worry about.

I want to try and understand your POV… why do I have to ‘prove myself’ to mother? Why shouldn’t the mum have to prove herself to me? Am I crazy for thinking we are equal as parents?

I have been with my baby since birth and I am more than capable of looking after them and doing everything including night time routine. Baby doesn’t stop laughing when we’re together…

why should the mum have all the control in this?

My ds didn't have an overnight anywhere until he was 3.5 and he loved it, no tears or anything.

Baby is best with mum until they're older and the mum feels ready. You're inventing problems and scenarios that may not even happen to suit your argument.

@Throwaway388 it’s not a rational thing or as simple as to say mothers and fathers are equal parents. If you asked my DH he would say yes equal but also not equal as I grew the baby and birthed the baby and every fibre of my being screams at me to protect the baby and I am the babies main carer same as your ex is. For example, on holidays I couldn’t relax when my DH was in the water with our DD. I know rationally my DH is extremely capable, an excellent father and perfectly able to be in the water with our DD but I still couldn’t relax. My DH just laughed and handed her over to me. He understands it’s an irrational desire to protect child. For me 15 months would be too soon to be away from her overnight but every woman is different.

Why do you need your child overnight? What difference will it make? If you are seeing he awake for 2 days a week then it will not be damaged,

Fathers aren’t less but she’s been with her mother from word go. This is not about YOU
this is about your baby and caring for her needs not your own. You have said mother is not happy about baby being away overnight yet so why not build a co parenting relationship and develop that trust for her to permit overnights when she is ready. If that’s not going to happen you can think again fo more formal action? But your choice I suppose

Right well my child’s mum stopped breastfeeding at 2 months. Baby is bottle fed. 9 months and 15 months are completely different. They’re running around throwing stuff enjoying different activities at 15 months and much less needy

Agree with this and same feelings.

All those people saying that the baby is too young etc…I don’t understand? How is she too young to be with her dad? If dad is already doing the bed time routine etc, then baby is with someone familiar who loves her and will provide her with the care that she needs. It sounds like the mother of the baby is abusive and I actually am more worried for the safety of the child whilst in the mother’s care. People who lash out and hit and discard people don’t generally just do it to one person. She may not do it to the baby yet but I don’t think I would be too unfair if I were to say there are possibly ways that the mother does behave towards the child that are not particularly healthy for the baby. It sounds like she has Mh issues and needs some help.

I think you should keep seeking legal advice and fight for shared custody and keep a very close eye on how your ex behaves towards her.

I still wouldn't be comfortable at 15 months. She's obviously not ready

@Throwaway388 I have been with my baby since birth you live in a different house and I presume you work so in reality you visited your baby from birth, through no fault of your own I know, but my parents have done the same visited 3 times a week but I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her with them overnight.

Please please please think
of the little one in this. When they wake up in the middle of the night and don’t know where they are they will become very distressed and scream for their mother. This child is very young and this is not about your wants it is about your child’s needs.

It’s not about your rights, it’s about your baby’s rights. I think working towards overnights is positive, sounds like Mum is encouraging contact. Building up to that is a good thing, your baby is still young.

I think you really really need to stop the narrative in your head about 'dad's rights' and 'why should mums have all the control'. It's not helpful and makes you look like a man we've all met, not a good one. She's the primary/resident parent, which is why overnights with anyone else may be an issue.

Rather, focus, as @LittleOwl153 says on being able to prove what a great parent you are. Extended days, prove the money you spend, don't ever be part of the arguments, go to groups and playdates so other parents see you and can (let's hope not but maybe) be witnesses. Document her abuse because you probably don't want to do mediation with someone who throws things.

You will get there if you work towards the baby's best interests, not yours.