Mother of child won’t let me have my daughter overnight. Is she being unreasonable?

[Throwaway388]

Me and ex have a 15 month old baby together.

Me and ex split before we even knew she was pregnant. When I found out, and knew she would not get an abortion. I stayed with her during the pregnancy but we did not get back together. I supported her in all ways for the sake of the baby atleast.

I always loved my child and a bond was instant from when baby was born so don’t have the issue (or blessing in some cases) of not caring about/wanting baby.

Baby’s mum is the reason we argue as she is very spiteful that im not with her and set on making my life hard and asserting dominance and control anywhere she can. I have been doing everything on her terms for the last 15 months.

I have been going to her house just to be around my child and staying there overnight. We naively agreed that I would stick around until she feels baby is ‘old enough’ to coparent. We argue very frequently and this often ends up in her becoming violent (breaking my things, hitting me sometimes and I’ve had to defend myself before through restraining) and kicking me out the house in front of child.

Lately I have noticed my child hates it when we argue and starts moaning, so last week I decided it was the last straw after the usual argue/get kicked out/can’t see baby for over a week cycle.

I want my life back and want to be able to move on with my child properly without having to be around her.

She has agreed to let me have my baby 2 days a week during the day and drop baby off before dinner time. I want baby to stay overnight with me but mum is insistent it’s too early and that one day she will be ready to do it, but currently she is not comfortable with letting baby stay anywhere (implying I am on the same level as her sisters)

She has no problem leaving baby with me from morning til night where I do the bedtime routine etc while mum is out for friends bdays/parties/clubbing but has a problem with me doing this at my own house.

She doesn’t understand that I’m the child’s dad and have rights?

So I have spoke to mediators who put me in touch with a lawyer for ‘advice’. The lawyer called me this morning and tried to scare me into buying an hour consultation with them saying the only solution is to go straight for a court order as baby’s mum will never be cooperative, will only get worse etc etc I’ve had anxiety all morning from the call.

It’s like I’m used to this situation which others see as absolutely crazy but when I realize it’s not normal and it’s really bad it gives me anxiety. This is stressing me out a lot.

I pay towards baby’s mums rent every month and half gas and electric (which I’m not happy about but whatever) and half of baby’s needs e.g nappys milk wipes. I also on my own will buy baby toys and clothes more than what baby needs but just because I want to sondon’t mind that.

Currently my options are:

1. Run away, abandon baby and try to get over it (not going to do that)
2. Wait until baby’s mum is more cooperative and give it more time until she’s ‘comfortable’ with letting baby do overnights/try to talk her into it (been trying for ages it’s not working)
3. Initiate mediation which will go in my favor but scared to ‘take it there’ with baby’s mum as she could become even worse.
4. Go to court. Also scared to do this as mum could just make up lies and once a court order is in place it’s stuck. I have a friend who’s child’s mum lied in court and now he can’t see his kids at all after spending thousands.

I’m leaning towards option 2 but I’m really reaching the brink. I’m under stress constantly and it affects my daily life. I just don’t want any more drama and want to have some peace and be with my child regularly so they could have me and their mum and live a decent life with split parents.

What should I do? Am I being unreasonable? Is she being unreasonable?

Haven't rtft, or even all of ops replies.

Started reading and saw lots of "baby is too young" type replies so decided to go ahead and reply without reading all.

Yes 15 months is young, if this was grandparents, or aunts/uncles etc the child isn't used to. But this is dad that has by his accounts been consistently present. So it isn't young. It's young from an emotional standpoint of a parent who doesn't want to be separated from their child, yes, and I would have felt the same. Although it wouldn't have necessarily been in the best interests of my child. He is also a parent who doesn't want to be separated from his child.

It sounds like you're trying to do the best thing for everyone by getting out of this situation with the ex. However I think the only way you can expect to get a fair proportion of time with your daughter is going through official channels.

Start documenting your interactions with the mother, all of them, and the child, so you have evidence that you are an equal part of her life and spend as much time with her as the ex allows. And evidence of your ex refusing access etc or even being violent. When she calls on you to have your daughter for whatever reason. It may all come to be useful if she turns nasty.

Contact more lawyers with free consultations. The more advice you can get the better so you can gauge how accurate it is (compared to each other) and how helpful they seem should you decide to hire one moving forward.

Contact any fathers rights advocacy groups that might be able to help advise you too. I vaguely remember some being in the news years ago, so have a Google see if anything might be useful.

But good luck. I hope for your daughters sake the situation improves.

I'd be worried about your daughter in her care though. Your ex has a temper and you were/are her outlet. Now you've removed yourself from the situation, there's every chance that she'll turn that aggression on your daughter at some point. She's a bit young yet to make that likely (although it does still happen occasionally), but when your daughter is a couple of years older I'd be seriously worried about her safety.

Also, it's clear at the moment that your ex isn't anywhere near over the breakup of your relationship. So her anger is still aimed at you. At some point she might even get a new partner, and who knows how long it'll be before she starts arguing and being physical with him in front of your dd?

This 👏🏽

It is not misogynistic to suggest that men are perfectly capable of caring for babies and children. Can they give birth? Can they breastfeed? No. But they are perfectly capable of bathing, changing, feeding, cuddling and nurturing, which given this is a non breastfed 15 month old is perfectly fine.

When men are involved parents, their brain also changes because more than anything it’s a skill and something to be practiced. It’s ridiculously reductive to expect women to be the primary carers (for how long?) because of their hormones. It sounds like a compliment to women to say we’re more suited to it, but really it’s just another stick to beat us with- stay at home, because babies need their mothers more, do the night wakings because you’re more “in tune” with your baby. It’s nonsense, my husband is a functioning adult and shouldn’t just be expected to support me, he should be expected to be an equal parent (and thankfully he is).

The extent to which men's brains change as a result of long term care of babies and children is still being studied. So far, research indicates it is not a significant change. Oxytocin is a female thing. Nobody is suggesting this means only women are suitable caregivers or that they should be confined to the role of caregiver to babies and small children.

What is being pointed out is that equal doesn't work and isn't applicable as a concept.

There is nothing to stop a man doing 50% of housework even without becoming a parent, and nothing to stop him doing an even larger share of it while his female partner can recover from pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeed if she wants, with the disturbed sleep that entails. Funny how a lot of men don't see equality that way, but they want to have a go with the new toy. That's not equality. That's disrespect for the biological role of the female body.

Provision in the financial sense is also a role a good few men think is optional.

It is very much misogynistic to use the faux bewilderment 'You want equality but then you won't let us parent'' whinge against women. Parenting is not Me Time. It's not a case of sharing the shiny new toy. It's not a game of Keep Away, and accusing women of playing games to further personal agenda is awful. It's a denial of a biological and evolutionary reality for political reasons that are not part of an agenda favoring women.

Personally you would be better off going to court and getting contact ordered 15 months is fine for overnight with her dad

i was closer to my dad from a yng age-apprently even before i can remember i was settled by himmore than my mum

all this baby needs mother is crap

Try calling her bluff. It usually works as it sounds as if she wants babysitters. She may think you are useful in the long run

A 15 month old should be able to have overnight stays with her dad so long as you're a decent human being. Go to court if needed.