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Original poster

Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

195 replies

SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 18:56

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

OP posts:
Imperfect10 · 04/01/2023 19:00

normal in my life...in fact after DC 2 was born my DParents sat me down and explained that they thought it was terrible that GPs were being used as free child care and they wouldn't be doing that....and they haven't.. despite the fact thatmy own GPs had myself and my brother through multiple holidays to give my DP a break

julz87 · 04/01/2023 19:00

I know exactly what you mean OP.
My parents and my DHs parents don't look after our child because of various situations. At work I had to miss out in a weekend event recently, people were asking why my parents couldn't have him for the night? Like they couldn't understand why that wouldn't be an option.
DH and I have to book off date days from work to spend time alone together in the day.. it's a bit shit but we just live on.

SpringIsTooFarAway · 04/01/2023 19:01

It's pretty shocking for nobody in your family to want to spend time independently with your children, yes. I think regular childcare as in whole/ set days is more unusual but in my experience it's the norm for uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc to babysit sometimes, take children out for the day/ have them to stay overnight sometimes. The families I know whose extended family live abroad either come to stay with them to do stuff with the kids over school holidays for a week or two while the parents work, or have the kids to go to stay with them independently, so distance isn't a barrier necessarily.

I am a lone parent and have never had any family help and as you describe, all my friends (who have husbands as well as family help) are shocked by how unsupportive my family is. I think it's very sad when extended family don't establish any independent relationship with children without parents constantly there to facilitate it for them. In the end it is them who will miss out on a close relationship. We're starting to see that already, compared to my children's peers who have families who make some effort.

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OgdensGoneNutFlake · 04/01/2023 19:03

Not in exactly the same boat but We don't have any grandparents alive for childcare sadly and just have one DSIL who will help in a proper emergency or once in a blue moon (think twice in 5 years). I notice so many of my friends who take it for granted that the grandparents will help and I find it really frustrating actually. They sometimes seem annoyed that we can't go out or leave the kids with anyone. They're 5 and 2 now and we're just starting to look for a reliable babysitter for the first time.

Murasakispillowbook · 04/01/2023 19:03

My mum's never had my kids overnight or babysat and she lives 15 mins away.

Mother in law - amazing and she's 2 hours away!

BridetoBee · 04/01/2023 19:03

I think it very much depends on your family set up, in my family everyone mucks in and helps with childcare (both regular and nights out) but everyone also helps out with caring for elderly family members etc so you almost get back what you put in!

Pootle22 · 04/01/2023 19:04

I think if you live near family and they see your kids often enough to have a relationship it would be uncommon for you to not get the odd spot of childcare. Would yours really not take dc if you were invited to a wedding or something?

But I think formal childcare, as in instead of nursery, or to allow very frequent nights out is less common.

It was extremely common in my upbringing. I'm not sure whether it's just a sign of the times in that GPs are probably still working or have the money to enjoy their retirement. Or that I grew up in a much more working class environment where everyone mucked in.

Oneanddone88 · 04/01/2023 19:04

No help here, my parents work full time still (could have retired but wanted to build a house), and when they're off work they want to relax which I understand. They used to have my nephew 3 times a week but I get nada.
My DPS family are 4 hours away.
It's the reason my DD won't be having siblings, it 'takes a village' , but we don't have the village

GivenchyDahhling · 04/01/2023 19:05

I think there’s a real divide between parents who have family help (from their own parents or other family members) and those that don’t. Between my parents who live abroad, and DH’s mother who is elderly with health conditions, I’ve never had any support (and I wouldn’t expect it). I have no doubt my experience of raising a newborn and a toddler would be very very different if I had that kind of support.

You just have to make it work though. And I would hate to be in a situation where my mum ended up resenting providing childcare and our relationships was affected.

Fleebeg · 04/01/2023 19:06

None of mine or my husbands family help with childcare other than the odd hour or two. They never have. I do feel a bit of an anomaly compared to others.

Getinajollymood · 04/01/2023 19:07

I think that the number of children, ages of children and ages of the family all make a huge difference.

I have to admit it does make me a bit sad my husbands parents don’t ever offer to have our toddler for a little while as I know they have done loads of childcare for BIL and his partner, but to be fair to them we aren’t as local and BILs children are a little older. Toddlers (as I know myself!) are exhausting!

SpringIsTooFarAway · 04/01/2023 19:07

Also people who refer to spending ad hoc time like this with younger relatives as "childcare" generally seem to be pretty toxic. Having children to stay sometimes ad hoc every two or three months or taking them on the odd day out isn't "childcare", it's just behaving like a family. Such people referring to this as "childcare" is often an attempt to obsfucate things by pretending spending occasional time with their family is somehow an unreasonable demand on them, by comparing it to being asked to look after children at regular times while parents work to save them money, which is not the same at all.

lunar1 · 04/01/2023 19:08

When I had a miscarriage and had to be admitted DH couldn't come with me because my family didn't feel comfortable looking after DS1 alone.

If it was now I'd have loads of friends that would have helped, but at the time we had just moved to a new area and didn't know anyone local. I did have local family.

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 04/01/2023 19:08

We have no family support with childcare. My in laws have babysat twice but they live overseas so it happens very very rarely, as the kids need to feel comfortable with them so they need to be with us for at least a few days.

My parents just couldn't handle our kids - they aren't badly behaved per se but they are very energetic.

But I have found it's pretty unusual - most people I know do have family who will babysit occasionally.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 04/01/2023 19:09

We have 2 dgc with a 9 year age gap.
We did a lot of care for dgc1.
When dgc2 came along I explained to my dc that dh and I are just too old to do regular childcare. Obviously we do some babysitting.
However we can afford to contribute financially so we will be paying some nursery fees to balance the help our other dc had.

whatatanker · 04/01/2023 19:11

@Pootle22 “Would yours really really not take dc if you were invited to a wedding or something?”

This attitude really, really annoys me. No, neither of our families will help at all and never have. If you cannot even get your head around that, then you are unbelievably privileged to have the support that you have got.

There’s a huge divide between those who get help and those who don’t. Don’t make it any worse by belittling those who have none. Open your eyes.

SpringIsTooFarAway · 04/01/2023 19:13

lunar1 · 04/01/2023 19:08

When I had a miscarriage and had to be admitted DH couldn't come with me because my family didn't feel comfortable looking after DS1 alone.

If it was now I'd have loads of friends that would have helped, but at the time we had just moved to a new area and didn't know anyone local. I did have local family.

Funny isn't it how friends are often SO much more helpful than so-called family. A lot of families don't really deserve that name.

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 04/01/2023 19:13

SpringIsTooFarAway · 04/01/2023 19:07

Also people who refer to spending ad hoc time like this with younger relatives as "childcare" generally seem to be pretty toxic. Having children to stay sometimes ad hoc every two or three months or taking them on the odd day out isn't "childcare", it's just behaving like a family. Such people referring to this as "childcare" is often an attempt to obsfucate things by pretending spending occasional time with their family is somehow an unreasonable demand on them, by comparing it to being asked to look after children at regular times while parents work to save them money, which is not the same at all.

I think it depends.

My SIL recently got her sister to take a train 150 miles to babysit for an evening out, because of train strikes it involved staying for five days. That is a big childcare favour given that she could have paid a sitter

Grandparents or other relatives choosing a time/date because they want to spend time with the child, that's different

Ihatethenewlook · 04/01/2023 19:14

lunar1 · 04/01/2023 19:08

When I had a miscarriage and had to be admitted DH couldn't come with me because my family didn't feel comfortable looking after DS1 alone.

If it was now I'd have loads of friends that would have helped, but at the time we had just moved to a new area and didn't know anyone local. I did have local family.

Same when I gave birth to dc2. We actually moved to be closer to oh family, and I kind of guess it was on us assuming that they’d look after dc1 while I was in labour. Instead they booked a 2 week holiday over my due date and I gave birth alone as we had no one else to help.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 04/01/2023 19:14

Ihatethenewlook · 04/01/2023 19:14

Same when I gave birth to dc2. We actually moved to be closer to oh family, and I kind of guess it was on us assuming that they’d look after dc1 while I was in labour. Instead they booked a 2 week holiday over my due date and I gave birth alone as we had no one else to help.

Show quote history

That’s unbelievably selfish.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 19:16

Ah interesting glad it’s not just me but want to clarify again I never expect them to have my children but no they wouldn’t have them if I needed to do something.

OP posts:
namechangedtokeepthingsnice · 04/01/2023 19:17

My parents have one grandchild and that's all they will ever have. My DM is often too ill to have dgc but then goes out drinking with friends. In laws have no where for dgc to sleep. Sucks really when you need a break but parents have lives too, which I repeat regularly while crying myself to sleep

Leakingtoilet · 04/01/2023 19:18

Normal in my world. However my family would always help if it was an emergency which is the main thing

Pootle22 · 04/01/2023 19:20

whatatanker · 04/01/2023 19:11

@Pootle22 “Would yours really really not take dc if you were invited to a wedding or something?”

This attitude really, really annoys me. No, neither of our families will help at all and never have. If you cannot even get your head around that, then you are unbelievably privileged to have the support that you have got.

There’s a huge divide between those who get help and those who don’t. Don’t make it any worse by belittling those who have none. Open your eyes.

Oh goodness, that was not intended to be belittling and I am not privileged. We have no family to help with our dc.

I was asking because I have friends who say their family don't help with childcare when in fact they do plenty of that sort of thing and it just not their idea of childcare.

You do sound rather entitled if thats your response to probing questions. I thought you wanted a discussion.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2023 19:22

In the real world everyone i know has help from their family in some form.
MN is a strange place where either an able local grandparent either never watches the child or looks after them for an overnight every week.
Now my parents are dead, my husbands useless mother is abroad- but my sister will babysit the odd night. I think family help eachother.