Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

To @RoseslnTheHospital both DM and MIL were already retired- but I have friends with younger kids where the parents work but sometimes take days off in the school holidays plus have their grandchildren overnight.

My single sister who doesn't have any children works full time has done more for me by the sound of it than some of the retired grandparents described here. Because you know, she loves me! Equally, when she has done house renovations and the like, I have rolled up my sleeves and helped her. Hell I've had friends do more for me and me for them.

“any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?!”

I’m surprised people are so quick to move onto the possibility of family help. When I say the above I tend to get met with “why doesn’t dad have them? You should insist he has them. Doesn’t he want to? You need some time off”.

Somehow the implication is that I’m at fault, not properly standing up for myself/my children - as if only someone incompetent would be in this position. Sometimes they try and delve further, making me feel I have to justify the status quo to them (I rarely do). Very few people just accept the facts and move on.

DH and I have never had any help with childcare for our 4DC no overnights, no date nights, no free childcare, no grandparents taking the DC when we’ve had appointments or even emergencies. For instance when one DC was rushed into hospital I had to stay with them whilst DH had the other 3, he looked after them and visited with the 3 of them (one was barely a year old) not one relative offered any help.

We think it’s great now we have a meal out together just the two of us as the DC are now all teens 😀

It’s just the way it is you could get sad or angry but it does no good, you can be proud that you’ve brought your children up all on your own with no help. I have a colleague who bought her parents large house off them very cheap has “allowed” her parents to still live there. Her parents do all her free child care including all the school runs etc, do her housework and ironing but she was moaning as her parents were having the audacity to go on holiday for a week meaning she would have to sort out childcare. Sometimes things like that make you go mmm.

I was 39 and 42 when I had children. My parents are in their mid and late 70s and there is just no way they could cope. I'm not being unkind - DC are 2 and 5. So my parents get to enjoy family time with them without having to parent all over again. My partner's family all live overseas, so it was literally just him and me. Then the kids went to nursery, and we found one of the assistants did babysitting. That was a game changer.

I suppose the difference is my ex is absent and went two years without seeing them? If yours is involved but just not that involved as you would like maybe that affects the comments? It’s seems to be assumed because my ex isn’t around my family step up and make up for it and going by this threads lots do have family help so can’t understand why other people’s family won’t help out

We get no help, we have no family close by. My Mum does masses for DB and SIL (including looking after their 3DC while they went abroad on holiday), they very much take it for granted that they have babysitters and when we visit DM SIL expects us to babysit for her as well. Really pisses me off.

Yes you’re probably right about that being where it comes from. Maddening nonetheless!

I don't have any help despite my parents living locally, being retired and being in good health, that's fine of course, their choice. I don't think it's that unusual though, although people are sometimes a little surprised to hear it.

I recently went to an all day wedding that was a long drive away, the cost was for the babysitter was $AUD500. But it's just part of the cost of having kids. Sometimes I secretly think it would be nice for my parents to help out once a year, yes it would be tiring but they'd still have 364 nights free. But I know that's unfair, why should they?

I'm slightly bitter at the moment as I go back to work next month and we've worked out that after I use my accumulated leave and DP uses his, we need a grand total of 12 days childcare for the year - and I can probably do reduced hours those days due to flexi time.
My dad is retired and my mum doesn't work (they're divorced). They've offered a grand total of zero hours of assistance.
So because they won't help out, I have to put the kids in nursery all year for a minimum of 2 days a week (the nursery's minimum attendance level) at a cost of at least £8k a year.

I don't agree that grandparents should be used frequently for free childcare, but is it really too much for them to offer to do approx 4 hours each, every 2 months.

Is your SIL Denise Royle? I'd be fuming!

We had very little support when the DC were little.

My parents lived too far away and MIL didn't want to. One time she looked after them, but got tired and went to bed leaving them downstairs alone. She put in earplugs in case they disturbed her. Dd was 7 and had SN, Ds was 4. We never asked again.

Yes, this exactly.

I’m a grandparent to four children, I love them and want to build relationships with all of them. But more than that I want to help our adult children in the way that their grandparents helped us when we were at that stage.

I’m sad to hear how many gps seem disinclined to be involved with their dgc.

I know the Mumsnet mantra is, ‘Why should they? They’ve done their parenting’ but it really puzzles me. I find it hard to understand why you wouldn’t want to. It’s such a lot of fun, especially compared to parenting. Mind you, we always go home knackered at the end of it 😂

I know one grandmother who has been very reluctant to help her daughter out when it comes to minding the grandchildren. Her daughter would only ask her if she was stuck. Granny would then come up with a load of excuses. If she babysit her daughter would be asked when will you be home. Her daughter would be back as quickly as possible.
Her daughter meanwhile has a had a tough few years and her mother has never once offered to mind the grandchildren to give her daughter a break.

Now a few years later it is becoming apparent that granny has a few health issues. It looks like she will need help to staying living in her home in the next few years. It's possible as well that she will need to be driven places by then.

Granny recently suggested that her daughter she should do X but her daughter decided to do y because it suited her and her family better. Granny was not to happy over this
I know for a fact that her daughter has no intention of putting her life on hold to prove care or to be her mother's taxi service in the future.

It also assumes that you come from a family that you can trust with your child. Having family that would keep your child safe Is an enormous privilege.

My parents don't help but I think they should. You are still their child and it's still their responsibility to help even though you're a grown woman.

I had my children in my late 30s so I think there's a fair chance I just won't be fit/able to help much. If I can, I would like to offer them some overnight babysitting as I think that's the hardest to get any other way.

We are fortunate to be able to afford to pay babysitters in the evening but overnight is way more expensive and difficult to find someone to do. It rather takes the shine off a night out when you know you are likely to be woken up between 5 and 6

@SpringIsTooFarAway friends are definitely the family we choose. Agree the whole family concept is quite strange really

I think it depends on expectation doesn't it. I have a relative who travels all over the country every week providing care for her different grandchildren, I think her children are being selfish. On the other hand my friend's Mum lives nearby and never ever offers to babysit for her daughter and I know they'd be happy with her babysitting once a month so they could go out.

For me I think that the boundary is between childcare and babysitting. I never would have wanted family to do regular childcare while at I was at work but having someone who could, e.g. pick up the DDs from school when DS had a doctor's appointment or could babysit once a month so DH and I could go out or could look after one child when the other two needed driving to different parties on the odd Saturday would have made a big difference to us. Just having another adult to help ease the stress situations.

What I always shocked about is how ex's walk away... mine still offers support and the kids are adults!

I do count myself as very lucky that my in laws provided 1 day per week childcare until both children were at school and would have them over night when asked plus I gad two cousins who had them over night regularly too. We probably got one night off a month. I don't know personally many people who had no help from family or friends so I do find it unusual in that sense.

I think the providing childcare while parents work will become less common as our generation will need to work until late 60's do by then most of us will be grandparents. We might be in a position to drip mop a day or maybe do condensed hours to help our children but I am not expecting it. I do hope to be able to babysit my future grandchildren though to allow my children and children in laws a social life - not every weekend though as I hope we will still have one ourselves!

There's a class aspect to this.

In traditional wc communities extended families lived close by and there was a culture of the village raising the child. Grans tended to be younger therefore more physically able and probably didn't have careers of their own or at least not ft mf 9-5 jobs so were/ are more available for childcare. Families also tended to be bigger so more people to help.

A more mc culture has been for younger women to move away to uni at 18 then develop a career potentially far away from family. She likely has DCs when she's older so her DPs may be more elderly when her dc are young. Her parents probably only had 1/2 DCs and aren't as family focussed as more wc grandparents. They may still be both working full time in careers or retired and doing a lot of leisure activities/travel. Being a DGP may not be that important to them.

These are generalisations and of course someone will reply with their anecdote that doesn't fit but statistically over the whole population these trends exist. (I've studied social demographics)

Good on the daughter. Her mum can’t have it both ways, even though she tried it!

@caroleanboneparte completely agree on the class aspect. But it is also a changing times thing. My DGM looked after us after school every day in primary so my Mum, single parent, could work. DGM had worked part time at times, but was essentially a housewife.

I had my DC at a similar age to my DM. At that point my DM still worked full time, and only retired a couple of years ago when her youngest DGC was 9. I also don't live near family as I moved away. In one generation we moved from the local family, non working Granny helping out to a much more modern way of living. My MIL lived closer but is much older than my Mum so was unable to help in the way my Granny did.

When my DC were small my parents were not in a position to help with childcare (health issues, other family dramas etc). Although MIL liked to take them out for the day or have them for a sleepover occasionally she never wanted to be tied to planning this in advance and definitely was not interested in helping with regular childcare. Partly because she was afraid of letting us down if she felt unwell but mainly because she wouldn't want to miss out if a chance to do something more interesting came up. We did sometimes go out whilst MIL had the DC but we always had to use paid childcare for anything that needed to be planned in advance and declined any invitations to child-free weddings etc.

Most of our friends seemed baffled that our parents were retired and lived relatively nearby but we still had to pay for nursery/after school club/babysitters etc. Quite a few had parents who lived further away but came to stay for weeks at a time to help with childcare during school holidays and to look after the DC whilst they had a child-free break.