Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

There is a difference I think between looking after for a bit here and there and regular day long childcare. It is the second that has become more common place. Years ago mums did not always go out to work. A few put their pre school children into what was called nursery even if they did not need to. But many did not work. Or fitted work around husbands.
The increase in childcare needs has grown with women going to work.
So you have older people looking after very new ones. And invariably using the same parent style they did for their own children.

My parents (almost) never helped with childcare. They made a point of reminding us that they were our children so our responsibility. I wouldn’t question this but can’t help being a little jealous when I see how much money it saves other families 🙄

Actually I did have an offer of help - once. My sd offered to watch ds for an evening. For £60 ! In 2012.

Funnily enough I said no thanks. 😀

My parents live 3000 miles away and are old and frail so even if we were closer they'd be no help with boisterous toddler DS.

DH's family are closer but also no help - his DBs used to babysit occasionally, but they both ended up moving a flight away during Covid, MIL died young, FIL is married to a much younger woman, has two small kids of his own, lives over an hour away and works bonkers hours as a lawyer, so they're no help, and ex-step-MIL (DH's step-mum for 20 years before FIL dumped her for his secretary) offers to hep all the time and then 90% of the time cancels at the last minute and also lives over an hour away.

We probably get about 4 short periods of babysitting help a year. I don't really mind though? I have good friends and neighbours, and a great babysitter that I pay when we need an evening out.

This is the same for my mum,
I see people saying their parents wanted them to have a break but my mum would resent that “your kids your choice!”

My parents used both their mums as childcare for my older sibling, when I was born my mum stopped working until I was 10.

When I was pregnant with DC1, both my parents were close to retirement and retired not long after DC1 was born. My mum told me very clearly that they were not retiring to be childcare for me. The fact DH and i lived an hour from them and had already started to look into formal options didn't matter. We never expected them to be childcare.

They will take both DC for a week each school holiday. I say a week, it ends up more often being 3 days, 4 days max. They will look after them the odd day or evening but very, very rarely and not for the last 4 years.

My sister has only once looked after DC2 for 90 minutes on her own. She told me she wouldn't babysit until both children were fully toilet trained. She hasn't offered to help. I don't expect her to.

Most of my friends who are parents do have a lot of regular childcare help from their parents. I'm one of the few that didn't.

Never had any help with childcare. My mum lives abroad, my dad is physically close but emotionally distant. MIL too worn out from providing free childcare to DHs brother.

We have paid for nurseries and babysitters for years.

Myself I never had any help at all from my parents. Mij inlaws liked to babysit but then I had to cook for them and my children before going out for dinner with my husband. So after a while I gave up and the girl from next door came over with her boyfriend, I ordered pizza for my children and the sitters and everybody was happy. Now we are grandparents ourselves and we LOVE to have our grandchildren over. I love them to pieces, give them 100% attention and (probably) spoil them rotten. I can’t thank my children enough for letting me do that. When our grandchildren go home I give their parents containers filled with freshly made food. They never complain 😉

We are very fortunate to have 2 sets of parents who have my youngest 2 days of the week, 1 day each. When mine were babies they both offered we never asked. Kids love time with grandparents & takes financial
stress off of us. Although I do feel guilty asking for overnights for fun things but they do not care they are happy to. They will do this a couple of nights a year depending on what we have on. So in my world yes it’s the norm. Hats off to those with no family support. 🤗

I guess it shouldn't be expected, but in my opinion, I find it incredibly sad that some grandparents don't jump at the chance to help. They should know how difficult it is with children, so I'd have thought they would like to help when needed.

That being said, they shouldn't be expected to have them as and when you see fit, or on a regular basis. Unless they want to of course!

My mum practically kicks us out of the door so she can spend time with the kids and to make sure we're having time for ourselves. It's a little more difficult with the in laws. But we only ever ask when it's really necessary, or well in advance for a special occasion. I know someone who's mum has the grandkids every friday and saturday night! 😯

I’m sure our family would be delighted to help out with DD regularly/occasionally however the closest is MIL who lives 2.5 hours but equally I haven’t lived within an hours travel of my parents since I was 18 so I’m not sure what I’d do if family suddenly started turning up on the doorstep on a daily or weekly basis.

On my side they didn't. I'm the youngest and siblings' kids were all in their teens when Dd was born. I spent so much time, effort and (with presents) money on their kids when they were small, I naturally assumed they would do the same for us. Especially I was quite ill after she was born. They did fuck all. They still do fuck all. Mum wasn't in good health so couldn't do much.

I don't have any family help either and I have 4. My mum used to have my eldest for me 2 days a week when I went back to work. But I knew once I had 2/3/4 children she wouldn't do the same, so I gave up work.
It's not even the childcare issue that bothers me, its that she doesn't WANT to spend any time with her grandchildren - even for an hour. If one of mine asks to go to her house its always an excuse not to.
I should add I would never expect her to have all 4 at once as it is hard work, but she doesn't even want to have one or two. We live 15 minute walk away from each other but she only sees my children 3-4 times a year if that. And that's when I'm permitted to visit her with the children (I would never turn up uninvited, that's a big no no).
I guess she has other priorities. Her loss. It does upset me though. I can't imagine not wanting to be involved in my future grandchildren's lives. Then again she wasn't a hands on mum either.
I'm not in contact with mother in law (different reasons) so she doesn't help either.

FIL lives round the corner from us, but helps us out with our 2DC once in a blue moon. If we're really stuck we ask him, and he does occasionally, but we're reluctant because he has refused before. Even refused when I'd had surgery and my husband had to go back to work. But people locally assume he helps us lots cos he's nearby! Frustrating. (My parents live 100 miles away so can't help out the same).

Taking both kids for a few days every school holiday is loads of help!

Your friends may have more help but you literally get more help every school holiday than we have ever had

No help here. I would happily babysit for friends (hoping they would for me 😆), but virtually everyone has family to babysit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Actually I do have some good friends who will have mine during the day, just not evenings.

No help here either. In laws have helped a bit in the past, but with an enormous amount of fuss every time and never overnight. We don’t ask anymore because it’s not worth the fuss they make, and they don’t offer either. They live in the next road and see DC maybe once a month if that.

We had emergency help and a few days in half term when we had to work. No one ever took them for the pleasure of it, and no sleepover in 13 years. They just didn't seem to enjoy the company of young DC. Could go weeks without seeing them despite only living fifteen minutes away.
Fair enough I suppose. I'd rather pay for childcare and leave them free of the burden and let them pay for care and leave me free of their burden when older.
Then everyone knows where they stands.

My PIL don’t because they just can’t cope. My MIL once offered, but soon realized that she just can’t look after them on her own. My parents look after them the occasional day in the holidays and the occasional night out, but it’s not a regular thing.

My neighbours are now in their mid-80s. They retired here (to Sw Ireland) when they were in their mid-50s. They're not Irish and have no relations here. They left the UK when their own DC could really have done with some childcare help.

Anyway, they're now both incredibly infirm and rely heavily on neighbours and the care system here. We all drop them food etc, do their shopping and take turns running errands.

Their DC rarely visit. Maybe one comes in a calendar year. The wife is now in the later stages of dementia but still they don't visit.

They've all been vocal to us neighbours about their reasons, and they're valid. But the burden of care is now starting to fall to us. It's a really tricky situation.

Normal for us. I'm married to the dad of my 3 kids, close and on good terms with families, none of our 3 sets of parents were old (all under 60 when we met and had our first baby), only one set were working but they lived too far away anyway.

One set lived on the next street and the other about 10 mins away.

Help was very, very rare and just as begrudging. Couldn't get childcare for a night out but a close friend or family's wedding was just about important enough.

To make the rejection worse, all our kids are impeccably behaved and no sodding trouble at all. It's only now they're much older can I get a job (DH's work hours are always changing and there aren't many childminders or school term time only jobs in our small village)

In Ireland too and I have a German neighbour who moved here for the good life in his 50s, away from his own family. Now late 80s and zero family support leaving it to neighbours and a LOT of support from services. It's really common to have German and English people end up in similar scenarios here and while people may judge their families for not supporting them more, to an extent THEY landed themselves in this situation. I often find that they don't make a massive effort when they move here, keep themselves to themselves and then find they don't have the kind of social capital which they need as they begin to experience health problems, decreased mobility etc.

We don't live near much family except 2 sisters who both work so limited with what they can do. Even if we lived near our parents, they all still work and so still wouldn't necessarily be able to help out. I remember as a child though that my grandparents didn't really help my mum much and we lived a 5 minute walk from them and my granny didn't work. It's just the way with some families.

@theleafandnotthetree

In Ireland too and I have a German neighbour who moved here for the good life in his 50s, away from his own family. Now late 80s and zero family support leaving it to neighbours and a LOT of support from services. It's really common to have German and English people end up in similar scenarios here and while people may judge their families for not supporting them more, to an extent THEY landed themselves in this situation. I often find that they don't make a massive effort when they move here, keep themselves to themselves and then find they don't have the kind of social capital which they need as they begin to experience health problems, decreased mobility etc.

It's quite the phenomenon isn't it? We also have a recently widowed elderly English lady too on our lane. She's late 80s and is a nightmare. She needs 3 carers a day and has her next door neighbour absolutely plagued. She has a daughter in the UK and grandchildren. I've never seen them. Essentially they retired early, fecked off to the west of Ireland and are now depending on the kindness of the community and the care system. I live rurally and everyone looks out for each other, so these pensioners are lucky in that regard.

It's also amazing how quickly it's all taken for granted! Last year one of my neighbours made all the old expats Christmas dinner. This year she was given a specific order of what they wanted on their plates and dessert preferences!

(Sorry for the slight detour)