Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

My parents live a couple of miles away and would babysit once in a while if we asked (not overnight) or in an emergency, but they have absolutely no interest in having the kids on their own or taking them out for the day. They've done it once in 9 years. If they did they would see it as doing us a favour, not because they would particularly enjoy it.
DS is 5 and very energetic (not badly behaved) and I always get the impression they find him a bit annoying.
It makes me a bit sad and has caused a bit of distance tbh as I don't understand it.

Not much help here, my parents have had my son one night in his life for a sleepover, grandparents on dads side have never had them. No daytime babysitting either. When I was a child my parents went out nearly every weekend drinking, and local teenagers would babysit me. I was molested by one of them for 4 years. So yeah, my kids stay with me.

How awful, I’m sorry that happened Honestly I get suggestions on MN to leave my kids with babysitters but I don’t know anyone personally I could use and no chance I’m leaving them with strangers but that’s considered weird on here to not be willing to do that.

That's funny but does not surprise me. The sense of entitlement and expectation of care does grind my gears somewhat when people have often added little or nothing to the pot in terms of community life, volunteerism, neighbourliness when they could have done so. I had to take a big step back from my German neighbour - he had to stop driving for a while and he would arrive at my door and announce 'you will bring me to the bank now' or similar. And then tell you how ignorant Irish people were while he was at it. It is indeed quite the phenomenon!

@theleafandnotthetree ah yes, the side order of how crap everything is in Ireland.

Both sets of grandparents can’t do a regular childcare arrangement but absolutely take DC on days out, will watch them for the day, the occasional sleepover etc

I would find it sad if grandparents had such little interest they had zero desire for any independent time with their grandchild. I loved being taken out for the day with my grandparents when I was little, and the odd sleepover at my grans.

It's a very regional thing, as well as a socioeconomic thing.

In the north of England, a majority of children have at least one parent who also grew up in the area - so there are usually family members locally. Many also have children younger, so grandparents are younger.

On the other hand, many people in London have moved there from elsewhere or overseas, and for many of the MN demographic especially, they're wealthier and had children later. MN posters also seem to be higher strung than average about their DCs.

Makes sense that a 72 year old grandparent who lives 4 hours away from their grandchildren (and might be a bit nervous about getting things 'wrong') does little to no care Vs a 58 year old who lives 15 mins away and has been in and out of the child's house since birth.

Ours would if they could but all grandparents are in their 70s-80s and have their own health problems, and all uncles/aunts live 100s of miles away. I think this situation is pretty common here (London).

DHs parents don't spend time with my children, never have. They live just up the road but they aren't interested.

my kids have a lovely relationship with my parents and spend time with them. But my folks don't see it as helping us or as childcare, they enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. Sometimes I am there too, sometimes I am not! And they are reaping the benefits of the younger more challenging days now as the kids will ask to go over there after school etc as they enjoy spending time with their grandparents.

All families are different but I find it odd that someone wouldn't want to spend time with their grandchildren - I cannot get my head around why my in laws just never bother to see us or the kids. It's not about them helping, or me feeling entitled to "childcare" from them but just them enjoying the company of their own flesh and blood, building relationships. I find it sad when people don't want to do that.

I never expected "childcare" and "help" but yes I definitely expected that grandparents would want to see their grandchildren. And have been sorely disappointed by the lack of interest from DHs parents. I just don't get it.

We get virtually no help with dcs. My mum and step dad had the dcs once overnight in 5 years. We pay a babysitter if we want to go out and childminder until the kids are 3. My mum and step dad both work plus care for his every elderly mother who is lovely so I don’t mind. My MIL lives 2 minutes away and we rarely see her. She takes care of her favourite great grandchild up to half the month while her parents “rest” (aka party and drink). She has virtually no interest in my dcs but I am quite glad as she is very controlling over the grandkids she does have a lot so I wouldn’t allow it anyway. It’s really quite detrimental for the relationships between the child and there own parent from what I can see as an outsider.

DC are now teens but I had bare minimum help when it mattered. Parents were still young and often out doing their own thing. When I wanted planned babysitting it felt like I had to go beg and as a result my DH and I grew apart. I now have no marriage to speak of and it’s partly because we never got regular time together.
When in Maternity leave with first dc I wanted to go get my hair done and frankly have a break. Mother said “why can’t you book it for the weekend?”
I had to pay for nursery when my friends all had at least one day per week grandparental care. Mine wouldn’t commit to a set day or even to any regular weekly care so I had to just pay for it all.
There were not many people I knew who’s parents did so little really. Thing is they think they did loads. Because over the years there were a few instances when they had DC overnight. I could count these on one hand. It niggles me how much they think they have done in helping with DC.

My pet hate is people (and there are some on this thread) who say things like:

I totally understand, it's really hard, I get no help either - my parents will only babysit once a month/pick my kids up from school twice a week/take them for a few days every school holiday/did a few overnights.

These guys have no idea what actually getting zero help is like.

You took the words out of my mouth !! I get ZERO help, I'd love to have my parents still around to collect my kids from school or just be around full stop.

Honestly I get suggestions on MN to leave my kids with babysitters but I don’t know anyone personally I could use and no chance I’m leaving them with strangers but that’s considered weird on here to not be willing to do that.

If you don't want to, don't but it's quite possible to find a babysitter who isn't a stranger. We have mainly staff from my DS's nursery to babysit for us - they look after him in the day so I don't see why I shouldn't trust them in the evening. We also advertised locally, had a reply from a local nanny, spoke to the family she works for, checked another reference, checked her DBS certificate etc. We booked her for a couple of hours when we were around to see how the children liked her before we went out.

If we can't get one of our known and trusted babysitters, we don't go out.

I do have friends who just use whoever from sitters.co.uk - I wouldn't do that personally but it is absolutely possible if you actively out some effort into it to find someone who isn't "a stranger"

I understand OP, I'm a lone parent (no co parent) and my (local) parents don't help due to various circumstances, they've never offered and I wouldn't ask either, they both have health conditions/circumstances that would make it difficult. I don't mind, my main sadness is that my mum's health conditions make her a very different grandparent to how she would be otherwise - she was a lovely mum when i was a child and would have been a really different grandparent if she wasn't unwell, sadly her health conditions have affected her mind/personality and she's not able to be there for me emotionally either - I found this hard before she was diagnosed with one of her conditions (e.g. when my son was born) but I understand now.

I chose to have my son on my own so I went into it knowing it was going to be tough, I do have siblings nearby but I don't like to ask them because the voice in my head says "you chose to do this alone" and I worry they'll resent it. I'm super lucky to have a very supportive friend, she has no kids of her own my son and her adore each other.

I think for me it's part of people's wider assumptions about relationships with family/parents, I've always struggled with the assumption that I'm close to my parents and people commenting about how excited they must be about my son etc, it's a very complex situation (even aside from the health issues) that would be a massive overshare to explain each time someone made this type of comment, so I usually just smile and brush it aside but it gets me down sometimes.

Nowadays we don't have much support so why can't family help.

I wonder if this has the potential to be self perpetuating. We only have help a few times a year, it's hard going and I wonder if it helps lead to the "I've done my time" feeling when the children have grown up and the parents have some more freedom.

Whereas those with local hands on family as normal might not feel so burnt out after bringing up their children. They might have enjoyed more down time when their kids were young and be genuinely pleased at the idea of looking after grandchildren.

I completely agree op.
Some people live very charmed lives.

My son is 24. My parents would look after him and have him overnight but not too often because I didn't want to put on them. My dad died before my daughter was born and mum still helped out but not as much. That was my choice though because I didn't want to take advantage and she was still working as well.
FIL and his partner have been together for over 20 years. In all that time they have only ever babysat twice,and we had to be home by 11( even though they're both retired)and have only ever taken the kids out for 2 half days. They've never had them overnight or taken them on holiday and if we ever wanted a rate night out we'd usually end up paying a babysitter.Subsequently my kids have a much better and closer bond with my Mum than my in laws.

Some people are lucky their families are better than ,some people have misfortune of having Crap family members/family who are absolutely useless waste of space when it comes to giving support, 💩

like my birth family and my adoptive so called family

My kids are way past nursery age now unfortunately but no I wouldn’t use someone from a website no matter how nice they were I would just rather not go out and honestly as much as I hear it on MN I don’t know anyone irl who uses babysitters from websites, it’s always family/friends

This is why there should be cheaper childcare and also why we need to invest in community as well as familyWe need to spread care around more whilst of course continuing to safeguard.Grandparents still have lives
They dont want to spend all their time on child care.The government relies on families doing the hard work so thry dont have to.

I do childcare for dgs, it's hard work and if I'm honest I'd rather be the Granny who took him out occasionally. But I could never see dd struggle so I put my wishes aside. Dd's partner walked away when dd was pregnant with the baby they planned so she needed my help and I stepped up. Have to say when dgs tells his dm he had fun at gangan's house then it makes it feel worth it. Ds takes dgs out every Saturday morning for her as well so that she gets a break and he does the babysitting if she goes out at night. It's a family effort raising dgs but he's thriving and he benefits from having other people in his life who he feels secure with.

No help here unless we pretty much beg. Has made me determined not to be like this for my own DGC and will be helping my children out as much as I can. For those saying get a babysitter - it’s not that easy if money is tight x