Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

No help either. Lone parent without parents still alive. There are a couple of family members left but they don't want to know sadly. My dd is autistic so they find her a handful. I would love a weekend to myself once in a while.

My mum was fine she was a single parent to 6 though so I guess she sees it as she’s done her time, she also said she had no help so why should she help me, she wouldn’t care if she didn’t see them for months.

Very little help here. MIL said early on they didn't want to be "tied down" with any childcare. She helps out on special occasions. So tomorrow husband has a big birthday and we're going out for dinner. Last time she helped out was over 2yrs ago. I have friends who have so much help from GPs - 2 or 3 days a week and overnight every week. I can't even begin to imagine this and feel a little envious (if I'm being honest).

Mine do a couple hours here and there, take us out for coffee etc but they've asked for the kids to sleep over. Which is fine. Friends of mine had their parents stay every single week for 6 months when they had their second baby "to help"! My friends kids were 3 and 8 months by the time she actually had a day on her own with them!

Neither mine or DHs parents lived nearby and they were all still working so.we had no help with childcare and only once or rwice a year babysitting ( if we asked)
I had friends in same situation as us but probably most parents I knew had some help/ back up. Even if it was emergency pick.up from nursery or covering sick days or babysitting.
And quite a few had parents , normally maternal grandmother, who would like after DC a couple of days a week whilst her daughter and SIL worked.

My family has never ever helped or babysat, neither has the dads. I honestly haven't thought about it as being abnormal or normal. I think everyone's situation is just different.

I personally wouldn't even want to ask for help with childcare as I'm not close to anyone so because of that no one makes effort to see my children, it would feel like leaving them with strangers anyway.

I genuinely think the divide between those of us who have no family help and those who have it a bit/sometimes/regularly is bigger than between working and stay at home parents. My emotions vary on this all the time but they’ve gone through sadness, jealousy, bitterness, relief, acceptance over the past decade as it transpired that we weren’t going to get any childcare help at all. No, not even the occasionally babysitting. Nope, not for a child free wedding. No, of course not for a special occasion. To be fair, my parents had precisely one night of childcare care when I was a child, for an interview where they both had to go, and my inlaws never got anything from their parents either.

meanwhile the friends who “might drop off a child with mum this afternoon because it would be nice to have a bit of a rest” or “mum and dad moved closer so they could look after child when I go back to work” or “well, we don’t get out much, I can only ask grandparents for babysitting once a month” inhabit a completely different world.

At my parents wedding anniversary celebration, I was sat with old family friends who I hadn’t seen for many years. Both couples undertook massive amounts of childcare for their grandchildren, and had rearranged their lives around it (which I don’t think is entirely healthy, but, different strokes for different folks). Meanwhile my mum loudly announced that she would change my daughter’s nappy. My mum had never changed any of children’s nappies, and this was my third child… I nipped that but of performance grandparenting in the bud…

I think it's sad when grandparents don't want to help out, even for the occasional night out. My mum is always falling over herself to babysit. I hope I'll be in the position to do the same one day.

Interesting, I would think having 6 kids she loved children, but I can see her point of view too. Maybe she's just over kids now. Unfortunate for your DC that she's not really interested in seeing them

Very envious of anyone who still has their parents let alone the childcare aspect lucky them !!

Mine do if i ask (which i really hate doing) but I never get any offers. I spent most weekends at my grandparents and loved it, yet my DM who got that privilege so she could work or go out, doesn't do it for me. I even spent the night at my great nanas house a few times and she was old.... 80s. Guess it all depends how maternal the gps feel as to how much they want to be involved with their gc.

I'm quite lucky by the sounds of it, my mum is happy to have mine if I need her to either overnight or for a couple of hours. I would do the same for my grandchildren too and have done when my nephews have needed babysitting. I can't imagine saying that I wouldn't have them unless I had plans already

I agree. I guess we automatically think grandparents will be wanting to spend time, but some just don't seem to be interested. Maybe they're actually not that into kids, I do wonder this about my own FIL. Maybe it also depends on the stage, some people more like older kids rather than babies. Also makes me wonder if they had kids just because they thought they should not because they wanted too so when it comes to DC they don't really care

No I wouldn’t say my mum particularly likes children, I think she feels resentful that she raised us alone so doesn’t want to help for that reason which is fine, she’s not close to my kids so not bothered If she didn’t see them for a months (although she did choose to move away from her family so don’t know if they would have helped her)

Makes a huge difference.

Also means that you're likely to be more successful at work - you can stay late, chase that promotion, etc if you can rely on back up childcare.

None of that for me and DH - BIL watches our kids twice per year. That's it

Loving the hypocrisy! My parents had literally thousands of hours of free childcare from my grandparents. But mysteriously choose to forget that now

I'm a twin and a few times people have said oh I bet you get lots of babysitting (not sure why they would assume this) My DC are teen/tween now and I can count on 1 hand the babysits my sister has done. She works ft so it's not that convenient for her to babysit. I don't expect her to, but since nearly all the GPS have died I feel a little bit sad that my DC don't have especially close bonds with any other family members.
In my area lots of people seem to have GPs that live close by and are fit and able to babysit. My parents did for a few years when my DC were very little but then they got too unwell/died. IL have always lived too far to help regularly.

Well despite my millennial rant I don’t think it’s a given that the grandparents should help out with your childcare issues….but I would if I was a grandparent and physically able!

How do others who have had no help feel about helping out when their own children have children? I am starting to feel a bit tired at the thought...but it has broken up my relationship, not having any respite at all. I don't want that to be the case for my own children. I'm torn - do I finally get some time for myself by putting my children in the same position I've been in?!

I’m NC with my sister now but when I wasn’t she would never ever have my kids, she’s a teacher and actually said to me that she spends all day with kids so she does not want to be around them outside of work! I’m not sure why people assume sisters will automatically help out

Even if grandparents have no interest in their grandchildren, I cannot understand how they couldn't occasionally put themselves out to give their own child a dig out. My mother was really good for the occasional night away/wedding/work thing when mine were younger, not because she was dying to spend time with my children- though she loves them dearly - but mainly to help and support me. I would find it very hurtful if she was heedless of how hard it can be, especially so if someone is without a (good!) partner.

I think there's a million options between being an martyr to your children and their children and offering no support at all. My mum lives 2 hours away and was really there for me when I needed her but if you were to add it up, it was still only maybe one weekend a year (out of 52!) and then on top of that visits back and forth which were mostly mutually enjoyable maybe taking up another 20 days a year. So plenty of time for herself. And surely in a normalish loving family, part of one's quality of life IS spending time - and having a mutually supportive and giving relationship - with one's offspring.

I find it quite sad all these able grandparents who don't help because they 'don't want to'?? I was v lucky and have a MIL who committed to looking after DS from 17 weeks old half a day a week- I worked in the morning that day plus two other full days a week when he went to nursery. That made the difference to us - I only 'earned' about £50 a week after the childcare costs but it meant it made sense- and DS was so loved and looked after - I think he slept on her cuddled on her knees most of the morning.
Both MIL and my DM (who moved near us when DS was 3) then committed a school pick up day at primary once a week/just being in our house to see him in from school until he was maybe 12? if fact about 16 with my DM!
You know I hope all of you with no support realise you reap what you sow? Mil and DM are now elderly and and frail but we all look after them - including DS who is a young adult - everyone rallies round/sorts their shopping/takes them to appointments and supports them as we remember the help they gave us in our tough times. Sorry if that all sounds sanctimonious! I know everyone is different and people have their problems and issues but I'm so happy to give back after the support they gave us when we needed it.

As a grandma I absolutely adore my grandchild but the main reason I help my daughter with childcare is my love for her . Nothing else to say TBH .

For those who have parents near by who do provide childcare - are they retired? Or do they not work or work part time?