Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

Normal for me too although it might be changing due to circumstances.

My mum has my daughter once a week and SIL and MIL once a week so I can work without having to pay nursery fees.

She also regularly has sleepovers at both grandparents'. She loves it and they all love having her.

I'm very lucky to have support from both my family and my in laws

I'm lucky that this seems to be my parents and IL's attitude. DD is 10m and next week I'm going back to work 1 day a week. From first finding out I was pregnant my parents wanted to help out anyway they can. Mum works full time but shifts so has a day off in the week and this is the day I will be working so she can have DD- at her suggestion. Dad will help out too that day but has 2 unpredictable but time consuming voluntery commitments so I wouldn't ask him to commit to time in the day in advance unless no other options. Parents in law are older and retired: they would love to have DD 1 or 2 days a week however I'm not comfortable that they are ok to physically manage whole days. That has been a rather awkward conversation however they are brilliant and very keen (almost too keen to be honest) for having her for a few hours particularly at short notice.
My sister is a teacher but has no kids of her own and isn't likely too. She loves kids and spends 1 evening a week with us at home. She would happily babysit (not late in term but weekends and holidays fine), has taken DD out for several hours in the holidays and plans to do this more as she gets older. I imagine she will want to take her on holiday and things when she gets older. She even twice spent the night in our living room with DD when she was a few months old and not sleeping for more than 30mins at a time so we could get some sleep.
I don't know if it helps that DD is the only grandchild on both sides and always likely to be the only one.
Reading this thread I realise how lucky we are, particularly compared to the single parents- that must be so tough without family support.

No, you've pretty much nailed it! Very interesting 👏

Not unusual in our experience.

Dd is now 17. I can count on 1 hand the help we got from my DPs and on 2 hands from DPILs.

We paid for Creche, after school club, an au pair for 3 years for mornings when Dh spent 50% of his time abroad in the last crash, local trusted teens as babysitters if we wanted to both go out, etc.

We juggled 2 FT jobs, international travel in both, additional studies for extra qualifications, DD school/clubs/extra help for additional needs, etc between ourselves.

And that's how most of our friends have it as well.

DPILs have come up twice to cover when both of us had to be away overnight the same night and have also had her a few weekends (maybe 4) so we could have a night just us 2 in a local hotel. DPs had Dd for a week in summer hols (their choice as we had holiday camps available) a couple of years and she stayed with them the week DFIL died (DH always at ILs and I split between both houses).

But we've mostly done it ourselves.

Not one family member has looked after DD in 8 years. Not everyone has family to rely on.

we don’t have family locally but DM helped out on holidays… (lived hours away)which I’d book a year in advance with her.
I changed my job to enable me to have school holidays off as I knew I couldn’t rely on her being healthy enough (or wanting) to be able to facilitate this.
My DM worked FT and would use her annual leave to help me and I’m very grateful
My MIL only did it when it Suited her so rarely asked her.
I do wonder if it’s the same people saying they don’t get help with childcare who didn’t want to facilitate the GP being involved when the kids were young- there’s a current thread about how a MIL has done a room up for new GC and the comments are all how it’s too soon etc. or the GP don’t parent in THEIR way….
i wouldn’t expect my DM or MIL to now be able to help if I had a new baby as they are sooo much older .. problem is that we think being 70 is still too young to die but maybe they are too old to look after GC?

Not the case for me my mum has never wanted to help with childcare she’s very much your children your choice basically.
She’s never wanted to babysit.

My mum would always say she helped us out, which is true, but she would think nothing of cancelling on us if something better came along. When I say something better, I mean dropping us in favour of my dsis children. I even had to reduce my working days because of it. As for MIL, I can count on the fingers of one hand how often she looked after our DC - she even let us down on the day dc2 was born. She had agreed to look after dc1 and when DH called to let her know I was in labour she told him to find someone else to have dc1 as she didn't want to miss her hair appointment!
When DC were young, I think we had three nights out without them, each time when a different family member took them out to an event and we used that time to have a meal out. Now we are GPS and we really cannot understand the complete lack of interest shown in our DC's by their GMs. We love looking after our dgs and DH has him several days a week (he's retired, I still work) and we love to see him as often as we can. It is hard work as we get older, but the sheer joy he brings us, makes the exhaustion worth it.

I completely agree with @caroleanboneparte. I am one of those middle class University educated career women who moved 80 miles away from my home town and had my children late. DH moved 100 miles away from his home town. How would our dc grandparents get actively involved in looking after them? I know very few parents in my circle who had childcare or frequent input from grandparents in raising their children - probably something like 5% or under. I had a friend who very rarely had to worry about getting a babysitter for a night out, because her widowed father lived 10 minutes drive away and we always happy to help out. Everyone else was so envious of her!

The pp who says "in the real world" as opposed to "in Mumsnetland" just makes themselves look ignorant. If I'm switched on enough to understand that plenty of people DO have help from grandparents, why don't they understand that plenty of people DON'T? It's so silly.

This is very true.

I was born into a very wc family. My DP helped my sister who lived nearby massively. Almost raised their granddaughter.

I married a mc man, and the attitude was very different. I had no expectations of childcare from MIL because I knew that she'd sent her 8yo son away to boarding school and he'd never lived at home properly again.

She made sure I was absolutely clear on that point though, from the minute I got pregnant.

We're incredibly fortunate that both sets do regular childcare and in laws are also more than happy for overnights whenever needed. The majority of our friends have similar set ups although perhaps not to quite the same extent as us - we benefit from young GPs which definitely helps.

If we ever become GPs we'll be sure to offer up the same level of help to our DC as we know how much it's helped us.

That's very true about the class thing. I'm from wc background and we lived walking distance to a million relatives, including my Nan who had us overnight every Friday.

I got a job in my university city, which is about 100miles from childhood home, so it would have been quite impractical for family to help me out day to day. My parents died, though, so made no difference.

My MIL also lives a way away, and I don't care that she doesn't want to help with childcare, but it would be nice if she was interested in seeing the kids. She's seen them once in the last 4.5years and that was because I took them.

I think it's super weird, if you have a good relationship with your family and they're able, why wouldn't they move heaven and earth to help?

My family do not help. In 2.5 years they've changed 4 nappies and that was when I went in for an emergency C-section 🙄

I don't think there's any need to move heaven and earth but there's plenty that people could do to help that is mutually satisfying and doesn't leave anyone taken advantage of.

Agree although ex does have the kids overnights but my parents haven't ever looked after or had the kids overnight in 16 years. I'm am only child, so it's not like they have to split their time.

Normal to me, in fact I'm the opposite and feel surprised if someone mentions that they had a date night (or whatever) whilst GPs looked after the kids. I don't express my surprise of course, it's lovely that they have family willing, able and trustworthy enough to care for them. My grandparents (both sides) lived over 3 hours drive away so my parents never had help when I was a kid either.

It would be unheard of in our family not to help out when possible. It's different if you were expecting them to do it certain days, certain hours regularly week in and week out but I have 3 children and I want a break or to do something for hubby's birthday or him do something for mine then they have them. They work and have their own lives so to do it alot that's a no no but to have them for a sleepover every so often or for a few hours once in a while then there is no problem. I even do it for friends odd time as they do for me. I would expect to do same if and when any of my children become parents x

We have always have childcare if we want a night out together etc. Not not while we’re at work we always had to pay for childcare, although my in laws look after their daughters child while she’s at work but never offered with ours. Either don’t do it for both or do it for both.

I’m nc with my mum & dad. dhs dad passed away from covid and his mum has dementia..
it’s sour when friends complain about the childcare they receive or how often they watch kids or take it for granted. I have to bite my lip often.

No my family don’t do that they don’t care if they see my kids or not

No, I don't think that attitude to you and your kids should be considered normal or acceptable. I can't imagine having a family who wouldn't want to help me be happy and cared for.

I find it odd when nobody in the extended family want to spend time with the kids. Might be because we've been really lucky. My MIL volunteered to reduce her hours to look after my son and nephew (3 weeks between them) when we went back to work. And now the boys are older she takes them and my niece for a few days in school holidays, loves the occasional sleepover etc. My SIL and I swap days in holidays as well so I'll take her two for a couple of days and sleepover and she will take my son as well 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it's great that my in laws all get to build their own individual relationship with my son and I get to do the same with my niece and nephew.
I appreciate with the regular childcare we got very lucky MIL really wanted to do it and not all grandparents could do it. But I find it odd when families say a blunt no to the odd bit here and there. Aside from just wanting to help each other out it's the spending time together 🤷🏼‍♀️ My son always asks to see Nana or go to his Aunt's house, and they all get so excited for the sleepovers. How do families maintain a close relationship otherwise, I'm curious now?

But at the same time if I posted a thread saying I’m sad my mum doesn’t help me I would be told I was unreasonable 🤷‍♀️ seen it on here loads

But at the same time if I posted a thread saying I’m sad my mum doesn’t help me I would be told I was unreasonable 🤷‍♀️ seen it on here loads

They're clearly people with the same outlook as your mum. I think it's pretty miserable to not want to see you grandchildren when given the opportunity - but I totally get not wanting to commit to regular childcare arrangements.

Mine don’t! They moan if ever asked to help a few hours! I don’t care and don’t expect it -we pay for babysitters if needed.
although I find it a bit odd when I think back to my grandma looking after us for sometimes a full weekend or weeks!! They always seemed to use her a lot!! but never have they considered to offer themselves to us. However they are selfish and they don’t seem to give anything back! Even to my very elderly grandmother now they begrudgingly visit and won’t give her lifts or pick her up from hospital appointments etc they tell her to get a taxi or let someone else do it!! So think it’s just how they are!

Op, I'm the same. I don't have regular backup either.

Ex is 85 miles away and doesn't regard childcare as men's work.🙄He does 25 nights a year.

My parents are dead and my siblings are scattered around, the closest being 40 mins away, but they work full time too.

They help in real emergencies - three times in the last 18 months I've needed hospital care, but otherwise, no. DS is my my responsibility, not theirs. It's just how it is.