Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

Just like my shit birth father💩 and shit adoptive father 💩

in my group of friends none have family help.....its not the norm...friends help each other out or pay ....mix of family far away/only kids so no extended family/elderly /ill/dead or still working parents...

didn't have any as a child either...my parents had moved for work and then split up....mum worked fulltime and had very little break as my dad was useless/away a lot....

im always amazed on mnet by how much support some people get! not sure its a class thing either as that mucking in can only happen if you're all local ...

It's really tough being a single parent with no help. I have 3 and I don't have any friends who I could call on really. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters but they don't live close so couldn't help. My father passed a few years ago so only have my mum left. She recently moved closer to us and she does help and that's been such a relief as I had nobody before.
I'm not well at the moment and undergoing lots of tests at the hospital. Mum's been staying here with me. I think this was always me worry as a single parent if I got sick.
At first, I was really upset that I had nobody to ask or call on just for some support or a chat but since then, people have come out of the woodwork by some miracle and offered help. Even people I don't know well.
It's hard relying on others when you've done it all yourself for years and you become too proud to ask for help sometimes.

This! Even worse is those who say things like “Your child, your problem, you chose to have the child not your parents” and you know their parents have their kids nearly every weekend. I know some people who packed their newborns off to grandmas so they could have a rest because having a newborn is hard work! You don’t say?! I know some mums who literally get every weekend to themselves, kids go to grannies on a Friday night and get picked up on Sunday evening, and the parents still think parenting is hard work and full time 😂

Does anyone get that sentence "I've done my child raising!" As their reasoning for not wanting to be involved in their grandkids lives, BUT they also don't seem to recall the fact that we as children slept at grandma's most weeks and almost all of the holidays?

If I was to ask my mum, she'd proudly tell me that she did it all herself cos dad was a useless prick and conveniently forgets that everything I've learned (cooking, sewing, baking, nature..) all came from gran and grandad because I was never away from their house. There were 10 of us cousins (5 sets) and DSis and I had our own bedroom at grandma's house. The other cousins who visited on occasions used the third bedroom.

Our next door neighbours, work their hours around their grandkid. They look after her over night, for weekends, days or even a week over the school holidays. She goes away on holiday with them too. Frequently they pick her up from school and look after her til mum comes home from work. Their daughter couldn't work the job she has, if they and the rest of their family didn't support her. Yet, they bully me for being a full time carer, to my 12 year old severely autistic son, who also has a chromosome disorder and the mental age of a 5 year old. I've got no one (outside of occasional local authority respite) to help care for him, no paid help to be found either. My family and friends have said they won't help as he has a lot of issues (which I understand).

This is so lovely. As a lone parent with zero help from family ever, hats off to you, and your son. You sound like a wonderful mum and grandma.

I don’t think childcare from family is a given but yes I probably would find it surprising that a family wouldn’t be prepared to help a single mother with a young baby who is doing it on their own with no co parent. It’s not the grandparent’s responsibility to raise a child but I would hope they would want to help their own daughter and not see her suffer a harder life unnecessarily.

IRL everyone I know who has local parents get help with childcare. If they can't do any for pre-school age due to working they would at least do it for an evening out at the weekend.

I think there's a happy medium. Some people take the absolute mick out of their parents. I would equally be very upset if my parents did nothing at all.

Same for us and it’s made even weirder by the fact that I come from a big family. My dh and I are a real team thankfully. But in 11 years no one in my family has offered to take them for even ten mins. It’s all v odd. I remember when they were small, I had 3 under 5 at one point and I had a bad infection, dh was away; they all knew and I got lots of lovely “get well soon texts “ , I was in bits with a temp of 40 with a baby , toddler and another child. Who in their right mind wouldn’t try and help ?! I was really struggling , even my gp was shocked . Im sure they’d reassure themselves that they didn’t want to interfere but you can always offer… This has been totally consistent throughout my parenting , my mother is older now so physically unable but even when I was first a parent never went for a pram walk with me , has never been to a playground with me and my dcs. I used to visit with all three but often ended up having lunch in the park with all three alone often after visiting. I have a sibling who visits and who is lovely but also never offers ever… I asked a couple of times when they were small but it was such a palaver to organise, had to drive with all the stuff to the persons house, organise food , bedding , come back to do bedtime. They don’t want to and on my dhs side it’s also impossible due to mental health problems etc , just isn’t an option , they aren’t capable at all.
We’ve totally accepted it , it’s v odd though that even spending time together with the dcs with me is never suggested but it’s made me realise things as a child growing up and I guess it’s helped me see some things more clearly .
I absolutely hate the way other ppl don’t get it, or don’t believe you , even a pp here, yes, some ppl really do have extremely hands off family . My dh and I swap over but we’ve missed lots of weddings , parties etc as although we have a babysitter, they are a teenager , we can’t leave them overnight etc.
All of our friends have family support (I’m in Ireland and it’s v v common) so they don’t do babysitting swaps, it would be completely bizarre to ask one of our friends to have all 3 kids so we could go away so it doesn’t happen. Again we accept it , its more other’s expectations. It’s made me feel v different towards my family and I definitely feel a lot of distance now. I can’t imagine watching my dc with their eyes hanging out of their heads with exhaustion and seeing them managing small kids alone and not offer even a fckn hour of my time if I was physically able but that’s life and others have it much worse. It has v much opened my eyes tho..

My sympathies, I think to be in this scenario in Ireland might even be worse because it is very much the opposite of the cultural norm. The people I know who live near healthy parents have fantastic support almost to a person. To an extent that I personally would neither seek nor want in some instances. And those who live at a distance can usually rely on somebody for big events at least. You have every right to feel really disappointed, not just in the lack of support for you but the patent lack of interest in your children. ☹

@theleafandnotthetree it’s all v v odd, I get loads of lovely messages and good wishes etc but not a single offer of help on 11 years. I mean one of mine didn’t sleep for years and I know they are fully our responsibility and we shouldn’t expect anything whatsoever but to not help when clearly someone is chronically sleep deprived and on their knees is bizarre tbh.. It’s made all the weirder living in Ireland , most ppl around me assume my family are abroad tbh.
Anyway we can’t change this and tbh it’s gone on for so long that I can’t even imagine getting help from anyone, we are experts at juggling. Unfortunately we live in an area where childcare is v v scarce particularly since covid , there’s no afterschool place and we’ve been on a “waiting list” for years, it’s extremely difficult for parents who work without support tbh. However , I thank my lucky stars everyday for wfh and the fact that our children are all primary school age so we can manage and now rely on noone and never will as it’s really unreliable since the pandemic anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ Of course ppl have it way worse but it’s odd tbh..

You sound so lovely , saying people have it way worse (which of course they do!) but really, it's very feeble on their part and you have every right to feel let down. You would do more for friends, indeed I have done so for numerous of mine who have no support due to 'real' and insurmountable reasons. I'm sure they have friends and relatives who also consider it odd, it is definitely outside of normal expectations.

Mine don't help either @SpinningFloppa . My mum will do the odd bit of babysitting once a year or so but that's it. My husband finds it odd as his family is the opposite- borderline overbearing. It became clear just how overbearing they would have been if I hadn't established clear boundaries early on when his sister had her children. From newborn babies, her kids would stay at ILs overnight a couple of times a week and they even took them for their medical appointments, SIL spent half her maternity leaves socialising without her kids 🤔.

My husband still finds it odd that my family don't do more and clearly resented it when they were babies as he expected my mum to "fill in" for his half of the parenting at times so he could holiday with friends etc and would blame me for my boundaries with his parents when my mum couldn't step in as I didn't want to hand my babies over to ILs either. However, he has had his sister to compare to now and he clearly is shocked by his own parents' over-involvement in his nephews' lives. He's also voiced his disappointment in his sister for passing off her responsibilities as a mother so easily.

On the otherhand, in tribes, the maternal grandmother is often very hands on, so I think some of us miss out hugely when our parents don't help more with their grandchildren. There is a fine line between help and taking over and a fine line between asking for help and handing over parental responsibility. I think there are plenty who take advantage of their parents OP. Usually, you'll find them in high achieving careers- the most successful parents career-wise have the better support circle which they will use and abuse. I know a successful headteacher who only manages her job by her mum basically stepping to be the mother to her kids instead of her.

Well I’m glad it’s not just me but reading this thread it obviously is unusual, my mum is the only one that can help so maybe that impacts on things, she moved away from all her family so I don’t have auntines/ uncles etc, it’s only her and my father but he is a wheelchair user so not physically able to. So I don’t have extended family like a lot of people on here.

You sound lovely yourself @theleafandnotthetree helping your friends out, I also do that occasionally but I couldn’t ask my friends to have all 3 for a night away etc but maybe in an emergency. I hope I can one day (if I’m
alive and physically able ) help my dcs out with their dcs if the needed it and while I totally understand gps not wanting to do regular childcare (very understandable) I would definitely offer if my dcs were exhausted or in an emergency or if they just needed a night off.
I genuinely think ppl who have support have no idea of the challenges those without it face especially with Illnesses, as hoc care , school closures etc etc

We have no help. My DH's parents say they are too old to help now and feel they helped his sister so have "done their time".

My DP could help but have said that they don't want to. In my DF's words, "been there, done that, got the T shirt". My parents even refused to be on hand when I went into labour with my second child.

Neither set of grandparents has ever looked after either child alone and consequently they have next to relationship with them.

It makes me sad, frustrated and jealous of others to be honest. But I can't make them want to help and god knows I'll remember it in years to come.

My family help us but my husbands parents and his sister won't ever.

That said they are strange and have a wired fake relationship.

I don't understand it personally, me and my family help each other out.

My own mother's take on it is that even if it's sheer hell and she gets very little sleep, well she has the hundreds and hundreds of other nights to make up for it and I hope I'll do the same in time. I would never have expected childcare nor would want to do it myself, but I genuinely cannot understand how someone couldn't put themselves out a few times a year. I've had some close friends children stay over when they were at weddings and of course the children are giddy or they're needy or they need a wee or a cuddle at 4 in the morning but it really is only one night. The satisfaction you get from helping a friend is more than worth it' and these friends have in turn done loads for me, even if not overnights. It all goes into the bank of mutual support and goodwill. I have no doubt your friends would absolutely help you out in an emergency or for a night away. Or you could divide and conquer! I'm laughing at you saying I'm lovely, I can be a hard old cow and I have an excellent cheeky fucker radar but when it comes to supporting genuine people, especially when they're struggling - well we have to stick together.

Lots of grandparents don't help with childcare or sadly don't even try to maintain a relationship with all their grandchildren.
My husband mother has a close relationship with her daughter but not with her son's. Whilst she has treasured time and provided day and night childcare for her daughter's children her on off interest in our children caused upset for years. We pay for our children to attend childcare so we can work it is pointless filling my thoughts with why provide childcare for years on end for one set of grandchildren and not another. Way I look at it is it's her loss. At one point she looked after our daughter once per week when her favourite grandaughter around age 20 at time showed some brief interest. This resulted in text messages to me at work when are you finished and meet me at bus station to hand over my daughter when in actual fact she could have waited another hour for my husband to collect her ( she would rather get on two buses and hand her over)
Personally I feel sad for our children that she clearly can't have a genuine interest in them for any period of time. However I remember my daughter age 9 at the time asking me why her gran was so mean to me meaning her comments which were always negative.
Sometimes despite our best hopes it's not meant to be and we have to get on with the circumstances we have. If I'm totally honest I feel free from my husband's mother's negative energy however it is sad that what could have been a lovely relationship with Gran isn't there. One thing that is positive is that you push yourself harder to make best of things because ultimately you have to.