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Original poster

Is it really that unusual (family not helping with childcare?)

195 replies

SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 18:56

Does anyone else notice this? I’m a single parent, any time I mention that my ex isn’t involved in that way so I don’t get nights off/ weekends off/ time to myself etc I get met with “don’t you have parents” “what about your family” as if it’s just a given that family help with childcare?! Mine won’t and that’s totally fine don’t expect them to but people always seemed shocked when I say my family don’t help, yet if I was to post saying I’m upset my family dont help I would be ripped to shreds?! Anyone else’s family don’t help with childcare? Is it really that unusual?

OP posts:
SuperQuickDraw · 04/01/2023 19:26

whatatanker · 04/01/2023 19:11

@Pootle22 “Would yours really really not take dc if you were invited to a wedding or something?”

This attitude really, really annoys me. No, neither of our families will help at all and never have. If you cannot even get your head around that, then you are unbelievably privileged to have the support that you have got.

There’s a huge divide between those who get help and those who don’t. Don’t make it any worse by belittling those who have none. Open your eyes.

So rude!

Not sure what you want from this thread. Some do some don't.

Murasakispillowbook · 04/01/2023 19:28

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2023 19:22

In the real world everyone i know has help from their family in some form.
MN is a strange place where either an able local grandparent either never watches the child or looks after them for an overnight every week.
Now my parents are dead, my husbands useless mother is abroad- but my sister will babysit the odd night. I think family help eachother.

Yours might. Mine wouldn't!
DHs will but they're 2 hours away.

My mum WOULD NOT help out. She just doesn't want to

VivaVivaa · 04/01/2023 19:29

In my circle of friends, having absolutely zero family help isn’t the norm. There are some whose family provide regular childcare and some who are there for emergencies only (like us, DH family committed to sick relative and my parents are 5h away). But to have absolutely no option of help, whatsoever, under any circumstance is quite unusual, I’d say.

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MynameisJune · 04/01/2023 19:29

My in laws and parents will babysit during the day/evening every so often if asked which is great. But we have no one who can have them overnight any time. In 7 years we’ve never managed a night away together, it’s tough. Especially when my mum has my sisters kids over night and often for days at a time during holidays and my in laws practically raised my DN and had/have her all the time for days and weeks at a time.

minidancer · 04/01/2023 19:39

No support here either and one set of grandparents are ten minutes away. They say they are too tired but have a hobby that keeps them up till early hours of the morning. It makes me sad but as the kids have got a bit older it gets easier. I have a great set of friends who are in the same boat so we all help out where we can. Makes me think at least I don't owe them care when they need help. My parents would help but live too far away to offer much help. It makes me want to stay fit and healthy to be able to help with any grandchildren I may have. I would hate my kids to resent me the way we resent our in laws. They've made some pretty unkind comments in the past when we've said we need help.

gethaggling · 04/01/2023 19:44

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of hours of childcare I've had in DD's life (she's 10). To be fair, my parents are 250 miles away, so can't really pop by.

It's fairly common among school families; we live in transient part of a popular city. I've looked after friends' children both in an emergency and to help out, and others have done the same for me - it would be harder in an area where everyone else had family around.

WeWereInParis · 04/01/2023 19:46

I don't think it's unusual to not have family doing regular childcare, but it sounds like your family won't babysit either, which I guess is unusual if they live nearby and are physically able to (I don't know if these apply to you).

RoseslnTheHospital · 04/01/2023 19:48

It's normal for me. My family live much too far away for them to offer any childcare help. My partners family live closer, but his siblings have children of their own and his parents are too elderly to look after my youngest. So we see family a lot, but meeting up together rather than them taking my children on their own.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 19:52

im not referring to an emergency my family would probably have them if I was hospitalised as an absolute emergency I guess (though that has never needed to happen thankfully!) I more meant family babysitting than having children in an emergency etc

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 04/01/2023 19:55

I'm NC with my own family so they have never even met my three children. My DHs parents don't do childcare for us either, as they live abroad for half the year. They do have the children for a couple of hours here and there when they are home, but won't have them all at once (can't blame them to be fair, the kids are all quite young still and a bit of a rabble) so we don't actually get any time off.

To get round it we book annual leave for days when the kids are at school/nursery so we can go for lunch etc without them. That works quite well.

Our situation is pretty unusual in my circle, I can't think of another family we are friends with who don't have some sort of childcare provided by family. It does seem to be the norm. HOWEVER moaning about it and it being a bit problematic/the cause of tension between parties also seems to be the norm, so I'm actually glad we don't have to worry about that.

whatatanker · 04/01/2023 20:02

SuperQuickDraw · 04/01/2023 19:26

So rude!

Not sure what you want from this thread. Some do some don't.

Show quote history

Not at all. Pointing out the truth is not rude. Just because it doesn’t fit with your narrative doesn’t make it untrue.

It’s literally a thread about how unusual it is to have zero help. We have zero help. Jog on.

Mamaneedsadrink · 04/01/2023 20:10

I think it depends alot on your culture. It's the norm in many that parents help out alot but equally it's reciprocated back to the parents.
Maybe it's a generational thing too?
I can't help but think if you had quite hands off parents, they're suddenly not going to be hands on. I see my parents at least once a week. We've seen FIL once since DC was born

Lemonademoney · 04/01/2023 20:14

Ahh yes, so much for ‘it takes a village’ my mum and dad are beyond rubbish (despite their own parents being hands on when we were little). In laws slightly better but tend to be a bit inconsistent as to when they choose to see kids, definitely not a regular occurrence to provide help with weekly life.

CMOTDibbler · 04/01/2023 20:24

No help here, and I mean none - not even for an hour on the odd occasion or when I had multiple surgeries with a couple which had to take place hours away leaving DH (who had a mental health crisis around the point of surgery 3) juggling looking after me and reception aged ds.

Itisbetter · 04/01/2023 20:28

Mine don’t and neither do dhs we just juggle between us. They’ll help in an emergency.

Queenie24 · 04/01/2023 20:34

My sister moved closer to where I live recently and she has 2 young children and is hoping for another this year. She works full time and her husband works too. She expected me to help with child care so that they did not have to pay so much in nursery fees which I can totally understand but I have had my children and looked after them, I’ve only just in the last few years returned to work so with work and studying for a degree I can’t and don’t want to look after little ones.

Baconand · 04/01/2023 20:49

Not unusual in my circles. Most of my parent friends don’t live near family and so have no-one around to help.

My parents would drop everything in an emergency to help but they are in their 70’s and 1.5hrs away so practically I’d only ask if it were dire.

I’d be more likely to pay nursery staff to help.

Babooshka1990 · 04/01/2023 20:51

I think it may be because the midwife asked me when I said my partner had gone back to work ‘well where are your family? Your mum?’ She was having a go at me for not having enough support and telling me I would get pnd. Work colleagues also asked me if my parents or in-laws would be having baby when I come back…

Just makes you feel more shit about being without support.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 20:51

My family live close they just don’t help so people assume I have no family or they live far away, they wouldn’t help living 10
mins away.

OP posts:
Babooshka1990 · 04/01/2023 20:57

@SpinningFloppa same

Luckycatt · 04/01/2023 20:57

At work I had to miss out in a weekend event recently, people were asking why my parents couldn't have him for the night? Like they couldn't understand why that wouldn't be an option.

This. People have never seemed to get that we can't do overnights. We can't do child free weekends or overnight weddings because the only childcare we have available is the paid for kind. People seem confused when I tell them I've no one to take my kids.

My2pence2day · 04/01/2023 21:28

Maybe it also depends on help? My parents come over twice a week to spend time with my DC which is a great help to me. My mum usually brings a meal too. They come because they adore DC, when we had covid they drove all this way just so they could look at him through the window.
I don't expect help though, and I don't expect them to do childcare. When he's a bit older, I'll drop DC there to give me a break but I wouldn't just do it for hours on end because I don't want to take advantage (although im sure they wouldn't mind). They're grandparents and have already done their bit raising kids. My parents are older now so I want them to enjoy their life

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 21:30

My2pence2day · 04/01/2023 21:28

Maybe it also depends on help? My parents come over twice a week to spend time with my DC which is a great help to me. My mum usually brings a meal too. They come because they adore DC, when we had covid they drove all this way just so they could look at him through the window.
I don't expect help though, and I don't expect them to do childcare. When he's a bit older, I'll drop DC there to give me a break but I wouldn't just do it for hours on end because I don't want to take advantage (although im sure they wouldn't mind). They're grandparents and have already done their bit raising kids. My parents are older now so I want them to enjoy their life

No my family don’t do that they don’t care if they see my kids or not

OP posts:
My2pence2day · 04/01/2023 21:33

SpinningFloppa · 04/01/2023 21:30

No my family don’t do that they don’t care if they see my kids or not

Show quote history

That's sad. Although my inlaws are the same as your parents. How were you parents with you?

SleepyRooster · 04/01/2023 21:39

Fewer than four times, across both sets of GPs, both of whom live within an hour's drive. Oh well.