Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

[mombee99]

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

I don’t think she’s a creep or you’re a bitch. I think she might be overstepping a bit but I don’t think there’s any malice in it.

I’m always suspicious of people who try to force relationships. Good relationships develop naturally over time and most people thankfully realise you don’t just insert yourself into other people’s lives. And it’s especially weird to do that with children.

Keep a healthy distance, see her when you naturally would when seeing your brother, if you’re comfortable with that, but you’re completely right to not want to send your kids for sleepovers with her.

The not legally in the family bit I don’t really understand. Marriage doesn’t mean she’s a safe person, unmarried doesn’t mean she’s not. It’s how people behave. And she’s behaving like someone trying to force a family life which is weird. She may just really want children in her life but she needs to realise how she’s going about it, isn’t really how family and trust is built.

See how things go. Keep your boundaries and trust your instincts.

Thank you

I think she is a bit over the top, but I also find the idea of having a problem with kids getting close to people odd too

If the kids want too that is

I don't get why a piece of paper makes anyone better because they are 'legally' family

If your kids want to be with her I would go with that, if not then no so to me it is what they want

She moved to be with tour brother 3 years ago and you tell her she's not family.

You're a b*tch. (you did ask)

I get where she is coming from, she sees her partner's nephews as her nephews. This is perfectly normal in 2022.

Just because you're old-fashioned and need a formal piece of paper doesn't mean that everyone does. This is what she is asking you to clarify in the "family" questions.

I don't see any issues with an "aunt" wanting to spend time with their nieces/nephews even on Christmas eve eve (oh the horror of this to you) in fact, I would have been grateful to get stuff done 2 days before christmas when my son was small.

Yes she is being very creepy and it sounds as if she wants to use your dc as some sort of consolidation prize/replacement for not having her own

She sounds lovely to me. How far away so they live? Is it close enough that she can see the DC regularly and build a relationship?
Personally I think the more people children have who love them the better.

Thanks. Sorry I think I made the legal issue too much of an issue. It’s not really the issue. I’m not comfortable with her generally regardless and my kids have no attachment to her - my youngest will forget her name for example ..that’s how little she’s involved she is in our lives.

Thanks I take you point - but someone who makes you uncomfortable and crosses boundaries - is still lovely to you? No issue sending your kids for sleepovers? Legit question.

At this point the youngest barely remembers her name so I’m sure they don’t care. They never mention her. As much as she wants to be close, she’s quite serious with them so it’s not like they ever laugh or have fun with her to be honest. Unlike the rest of the family who are gregarious.

But how is she meant to build a relationship with them if you never let her spend time with them? Maybe not sleepovers straight away, but spending time together to build a relationship.

Can you provide an example of what you think is crossing a boundary?

Tbh it just sounds like you don't like her. She is family - she's been with your brother for 3 years.

That doesn't mean sleepovers though. I'd build a relationship with her and your brother as a family and see how it develops. See how your kids feel about her as time passes. Maybe suggest something like a cinema trip instead.

By the way there's nothing wrong with being serious more than fun. There's place for adults like that too.

Sorry yeh sorry if I wasn’t clear - I dislike her full stop.

I think your 12yo is old enough to say 'x wants you over for sleepover what do you think? Do you want to go' or whatever she is asking for

There is crossing boundaries because you have issues with a person or because there is an actual problem

We can't decide that for you, if you genuinely think she is unsafe to have them then say no and no need to ask us

I am not saying don't post! Just we can't decide for you, there will some of us who say she is odd to some of us saying she is nice

We only have your version

Yep, this is the issue.

Nothing she has done really.

You've made your mind up.

She doesn't understand why and this is why she keeps asking.

I feel so sorry for her. She's committed herself to an awfully selfish family. I hope she sees the light soon and moves.

Hmmm I don't think she's a creep (as such) The only thing i find weird is insisting they have a sleepover but then I'm one of those that wouldn't allow any sleep overs with anyone basically. Relationships and "bonds" should happen naturally and this doesn't sound like it is.

I don't think she's a creep but she obviously views herself as more part of the family than you do. You don't have to be comfortable with her having your sons alone and can say no, of course, but maybe you could invite her to go out with you all sometime? Then you can see how the dynamic develops and maybe get to know her better.

I wouldn't be comfortable with sleepovers either. It's forcing a relationship that's not there. Maybe you could suggest a day out together? If she's been with your brother 3 years I think this is OK and you're still there to check all is fine.

Ok. I think the thing that started making me really question things was this: 1.5 years ago I was stuck without childcare for an hour while I went to work for a late shift (I’m a nurse). GF is always asking to babysit so when she found out needed an hour coverage she offered and I agreed for the first time out of necessity. She showed up and immediately told me she’d felt sick all day (during a COVID spike and not the first time she’d shown up around my kids knowingly sick when I’d made clear please don’t come around my family if your symptomatic and we’d ended up sick afterwards - this had happened twice so already didn’t trust that aspect of her). I was annoyed by this but had no real choice in the moment. It was only an hour until my mom arrived…my kids were used too my mom at bedtime. My mom was meant to stay and put them to bed until I got home. GF said she’d be happy to stay the entire shift but as my youngest wasn’t used to her or she him and she’d already said she felt sick - I told her ‘no worries’ and as much as I appreciated it, it would be better for someone my youngest was used to putting him to sleep. I went to work. An hour and a half later my mom texted to say GF had sent her home after she showed up at the door. I’d specifically told GF I wanted my mom to finish the night and the reasons why. When I did get home late that night (9hrs), I found our youngest had had a hard time going to bed (not surprising as they weren’t used to each other or the bedtime routine). GF had also drawn her “height” onto the wall where I only measure my kids heights over the years and taken a book off the bookshelf and told me as she was leaving she was “going to borrow it”. The last things minor for sure - but in my family/ friend culture unusual without asking - especially after she’d specifically ignored my twice telling her I’d prefer my mom take care of the boys for the night once she arrived. This is one example of small (or big) boundaries I’m speaking too. I recognize I’m an introvert but these personally aren’t the sort of things I’m used to having to deal with. Maybe others are. (For quick background - we don’t have the type of family/ friend background that’s super outspoken - it’s a bit more British/ Northern European so “telling it like it is” or saying exactly how you feel - can be considered rude- it’s usually more about what’s not said which is why I’m at a loss someone’s not picking what I’m not saying up - and how exactly do I say that directly then?)

Selfish coz I don’t want my kids around someone I don’t trust? Okay. Do you send your kids to sleep overs around people you don’t trust or like?

Okay, that's a good example. The sending your Mum home when you'd explicitly told her that you wanted her to be there to put your son to bed was completely inappropriate. She undermined you, went against your wishes and did what met her needs, not the needs of your son. I totally get that this would be a deal breaker for her spending time with your children alone. I don't think I could trust her after that either.

I wouldn’t want my dd doing sleepovers at hers after your update. She lacks boundaries. I would try to brush this aside. If really pushed, I’d probably say you don’t get to spend much time with your boys due to shift working so family time is special and your boys spend enough time away from you with the Gp in both sides already. How about she takes them to the cinema to see x?