Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

[mombee99]

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

Then your making the issues and trying to keep them separate, then saying they don't have much of a family relationship ? How can one be built with walls ?

Let her take them out for the day but not sleepover, 5 is young to sleep out.

I think you should trust your gut. I think you need to close down this access to your children immediately.
She doesn't just lack respect for boundaries but she's very grooming in her nature. Consistently attempting to exert her position in your children's lives.
Your children have a right to a safe environment with you and your children's father. Extended family is a bonus but she is neither.
Protect your children, she's odd at best.

I have no idea if it’s creepy but it’s not what you (the mother) wants to happen . Which is reason enough in my mind, to say no.

To the people who are suggesting you are being unreasonable. I wonder if they be happy to lend a large sum of money to the partner of their sibling, or their car? Your children are THE most precious thing in your life and yet it’s seemingly rude not to let someone you don’t like or trust have ownership of them for the day/night? That’s a massive red flag to me.

Your responsibility is to keep your kids safe and if you suspect the adult (family or not) isn’t trustworthy then you don’t leave them alone together. Everyone would normally agree with that on here!

I feel sorry for her. She’s (in your words), given up her chance to have kids in order to commit to your brother in spite of the fact that she clearly loves being around kids.

She’s doing her best to be part of the family (including babysitting when asked), and probably considers herself to be ‘family’ so will have had a double kick in the teeth when you pointed out that she’s not family in your eyes.

Doesn’t sound like there’s anything she could do which would make you accept her into your life and that of your children.

@RudsyFarmer on the mark - this woman is not someone who the OP would lend a large amount of money to so why should she had over her kids to someone just because that person is with the brother.

You wouldn’t employ a babysitter to mind your children unless you trusted them 100%, you wouldn’t let your children have a sleepover with a friend if you didn’t trust the parents 100% so if you don’t trust your db gf 100% it’s your choice not to have her closely involved with your dc.
Surely she’ll see them when family gets together. You could invite her and db over for coffee/lunch/tea occasionally or invite both of them on a family outing occasionally. I don’t think you have to go any further than that.
I have 3 dgc and none of them go and stay with aunts or uncles unless all the family go.

I wouldn’t let my child stay over either

She lacks boundaries, and her behaviour with your mum would be enough for me to avoid her. End of the day, you don’t like her, your kids don’t care about her, and your brother the actual uncle is not really interested. If it were me, I would be polite when meeting at family gatherings but ignore/deflect/avoid any other interaction with her. There’s just no need to engage, and her attitude/behaviour is off, so don’t.

Since you asked..you are a b

An hour and a half later my mom texted to say GF had sent her home after she showed up at the door. I’d specifically told GF I wanted my mom to finish the night and the reasons why

Why did your mum allow herself to be sent home? If, as you say, your youngest needed a familiar face to settle for the night, then she’d insist on staying, no?

it’s usually more about what’s not said which is why I’m at a loss someone’s not picking what I’m not saying up

I’m assuming your brother’s girlfriend hasn’t had the same upbringing as you, so why would you expect her to understand your non-verbal cues? You may be an introvert, but if you don’t want a potential lifetime of posting about her on MN, you’re going to have to change your thought processes and start being more explicit with her.

Is she big into posting on social media?

Op from everything you say my alarm bells would be ringing too. She sounds creepy/crazy to me & I would not leave my kids with her. However (nice) she appears to be. Trust your gut, there’s something off with her, she’s trying to force a relationship with your children. In my opinion it’s weird that she’d even suggest to have them overnight considering she has no children of her own. Personally I would keep my distance and she can see the children as a group with the whole family. You do not have to justify how you feel, or think you’re being a bitch. You’re not.
If she is funny with you about it or doesn’t like it, then that would confirm to me that I was glad I trusted my gut. Good luck.

Btw I don’t think she’s a creep as such, nor are you a bitch (no idea why @Forestfire12345 would think you are). She’s different to you, and you don’t like her. That’s allowed and perfectly fine. We don’t generally want our kids around people we don’t like or who behave in ways we don’t like and that’s fine too.

I think you really dislike her and she can't do anything right in your eyes. The main issue is that she settled for someone who wanted very different things from her in life.

I don’t think she’s creepy or being too weird but, the upshot is, you don’t like her and are feeling extra protective around your kids. A bit of a shame for her but ultimately your right to choose.

@mombee99 Good for you for listening to your spider sense. I would react exactly the same. The gf sounds odd. Odd in what way and why? Who knows or cares. Not your problem.

I think you are being a bit over the top.

She is family and it’s quite hurtful for you to say she isn’t.

There is nothing special about Christmas Eve eve - it’s not even a thing.
So I don’t know why you’re so gobsmacked that she would ask for a sleepover.

She sounds very cheeky but your mum was just as much to blame for leaving.

You obviously don’t like this woman and are trying to find silly excuses as to why you think she’s creepy.

Do you think she wants to steal your children?

If you don’t like her then it’s ok for you to not want her to be alone with your DCs - but then don’t ask her to babysit when you need to work.

She sounds a bit of a CF but she doesn’t sound creepy and you sound a bit OTT.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve
Christmas eve is the 24th

It's good that you've admitted a key reason you're uncomfortable with her is that you don't like her, rather than her not being "family".

With hindsight, you should have been clearer (through your brother if neccessary) that although you'd be happy to include her (them) in family gatherings, that you wouldn't be encouraging some sort of substitute mum/child relationship between your kids and her. If she only sees you 5 times a year in group settings and she doesn't make a beeline to be fun auntie that was never going to happen.

She overstepped boundaries by sending your mum home, sure. She probably meant well and you didn't pull her up on it at the time.

A 12 year old doesn't want to go on sleepovers with an aunt who is overly serious and he only sees a few times a year. Neither does a 5 year old.

Have you never spoken to your brother about this? I'd have expected a conversation over the years - DB tell her to back off, relationships don't get formed because one person decides to prioritise it. She's an adult, if she wants to spend more time with the kids, then she should come up with some suggestions for afternoons out that the kids would enjoy - given their ages possibly one on one. The younger one could be a farm day out. The older one a day out at a theme park riding roller coasters. Or taking them both out bowling or the cinema and burgers.
Places your kids would enjoy and you'd not or that cost too much to be a regular thing!

Or when at family gatherings, she plays a board game with them. Starting off with a sleepover is too much.

I don't think you need to worry about protecting your kids from her in case the relationship breaks down with your brother - at the moment they don't have a relationship, your 5 year old wouldn't notice. Even if they do get to the couple of days out a year it's not going to damage them when they have relationships with your mum, other aunts and uncles etc.

Even legal or blood family can become estranged! She is no more likely to disappear from the boys lives as a legal wife could. My children have lost family over a feud which is sad but it happens. They get over it. Let them have fun and be spoiled by their auntie

Exactly this. If the kids were asking to go for a sleepover I’d let them. But they’re not, they seem indifferent to this woman. What’s in it for them? Just because she’s your brother’s GF doesn’t mean you owe her your kids on loan so she can play at being mummy. Ignore the PPs saying how horrible you are. I don’t believe for a second that they’d send their own kids off to stay with someone they barely know, just to please that person. Children are not commodities to be shared round family members.

How would they spend the time if they did go for a sleepover? I can’t imagine inviting anyone’s kids for a sleepover unless it was part of a plan to actually do something. E.g. day out somewhere and cinema in the evening. Does she ever say what she and DP will do to entertain them? Or is she just hung up on having them in her home? This is key:

“A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kid”
”Protecting her heart” is self pitying and a blatant attempt to make you feel sorry for her. And there’s no sense from her that she is thinking of any benefit to them from having them over. It’s all about her - her childlessness, her wish to have a relationship with them. Does she ever say anything about what the kids might like or want? I suspect not. “How about if the kids come here for a weekend so that we can take them to [nice local attraction] - it sounds like just the thing DSs would love!” That’s not what she’s saying, is it?

Sounds like she messed up when she babysat too. How dare she send your mum away!

Whether it’s family or non-family, if you feel something isn’t right ALWAYS go with your instincts.

Christmas eve is the 24th

Yes she wanted them to stay over on Christmas Eve eve - the eve of Christmas Eve - which OP was ‘incredulous’ about.

Which I think is a massive over reaction considering it’s a normal day.

She sounds creepy as f*ck