Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

[mombee99]

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

Thank you and sorry if I don’t explain better earlier.

I think you might change your mind when you read her update.

Thanks. Yes due to work I am very protective over my time I do have yes. My immediate family all get that - now - but not her …yet.

What? Have you got the wrong thread? 😬

Even if you disagree, there’s really no need for that on this thread. OPs just explaining how she feels and why, she’s certainly not deserving of that for trying to do what she feels is right for her children.

You can't help a gut feeling so I'd stick with that tbh. Don't send them and only allow meeting on your terms x

Did you confront the GF about dismissing your mum after the babysitting event and what did she say?

Meh, don't need to justify trusting your gut with sleepovers

Not gonna lie - not directly. She just basically told me she stayed on “because it way no problem!” and “no no no she wouldn’t hear anything about it!”. Felt way too awkward in the moment to say anything other than I told her she didn’t have too and she really shouldn’t have (feel free to eviscerate me but I wasn’t raised with boundaries which is why I’m posting her for advice lol)

You don't owe her anything. If you don't have a personal trusting relationship with her I don't know why you would make your kids have a relationship with her by making them spend time with her. I think it is ok to brush off her requests until she gets the message, as she didn't seem to get the fairly direct message you sent to her. The only other thing you could do is ask your brother to tell his gf you're a bit overprotective of your kids and ask her to stop requesting sleepovers with your children - which honestly sounds like a strange request given the circumstances. I feel a bit sorry for her but her boundaries are strange and I'd be inclined to keep my kids away from her if I were you. And you may need to speak up on a case by case basis if she is out of line in future so your resentment doesn't build up.

She might be someone you need to just be very straight and blunt with. Some people don't take hints.

Thank you. I have been ignoring her. Maybe I will speak to my brother at this point. I really appreciate the thoughtful advice

Is she a “creep”? No
Are you a B? Potentially
Have you actually spoken to her face to face as in a proper, clear-the-air, meaningful discussion?

Where is your brother in all this? What does he think of his partner's behaviour?

I think anyone who requests sleepovers with children they are not already very close to is weird. I don't think they're all paedophiles or anything like that, but it is weird. It's not about what she wants. It's about what the children want. If they don't even remember her name, or don't find her fun, why would they want a sleepover. What purpose would it serve?

If she wants to be closer to them, she can work on that at family gatherings. Maybe she could do short stints of babysitting etc. But to ask for sleepovers is odd in my view and if so was faced with that situation I would be giving a very blunt explanation of why it wouldn't be happening.

True - no I haven’t. I see her maybe 5 times a year in group settings… so not at this point.

Can't you talk to your brother? Face to face?

I think she's overstepped boundaries by your update but I didn't initially - I'm with my partner almost 3 years and I consider him my "family" now and I'd hope my family do too.

*part of

Thank you. .

I would be very wary of her as her idea of getting close to children she doesn’t know is for them to spend the night with her and without one of their parents being there. Red flags aplenty around that.

I don't think you're a bitch at all: if your gut feels off about someone, you don't need to let them be around your children. Certainly, if I'd agreed to someone having them for an hour and they'd steamrollered over that to have them over night, I wouldn't be keen either. I find the requests for sleepovers weird, particularly so close to Christmas - not sure why they would need to be there over night to develop a bond.

To be honest, to the sleepover questions, I'd just come out with it and ask why she wants them over night, or say, "no, I don't think that would be appropriate." If she pushes further, explain that neither you or your children are keen for them to have sleepovers with someone they don't really know/spend any time with and that you don't feel it's appropriate to leave them over night. It's not your responsibility to provide her with kids to mother because she doesn't have any of her own, nor is it fair on your children to be given that role.

She is not a creep and you are not a bitch but you do need to be more assertive, especially when it comes to your kids

The telling your mum to go situation - you should have told her in no uncertain terms she was out of order

She sounds like someone who thinks she is helping when she isn’t so she needs to be told in a straight, explicit and blunt way what you want and don’t want to happen

These assumptions you have that she knows what you are thinking are ridiculous as she obviously doesn’t. That doesn’t make her a creep

I also think you need to take her being a woman/childless out of it - if it was a sister's childless boyfriend who was insisting on having your children sleep over, how would you respond?

Nope. No sleep overs. They are not necessary and I doubt a 12 year old would even want it.

Trust your gut.

Your primary relationship is with your brother and if this isn't coming from him then she is overstepping a bit.

I wouldn't let my brother have my kids overnight. Full stop. Kids only stay where I and they are comfortable.

Your children do not need to have sleepovers with a 42 year old woman.
Most children are invited to have sleepovers by friends their own age.
Why do they have to go on a sleepover to facilitate a relationship with an adult?
I'm not saying that she has an ulterior motive, but if you had a sister whose male partner was asking your kids for a sleepover would you be happy?
You don't like her ( and that's fine you don't have to like everyone), she crosses your boundaries so stick to your guns and refuse.
The children should not be pawns to keep her happy.

It sounds like you just don't like her and you've justified it by asking if she's creepy and stated she is crossing boundaries

Just admit you don't like her and you don't want her getting close to them

She's getting shot down for reaching out - it sounds like she's never going to win with you

Let's face it you will never let them have a relationship with her so if that's the decision you have made then you don't need strangers on the internet to say you aren't being a bitch