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Original poster

Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

254 replies

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 03:35

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

OP posts:
Clarklette85 · 31/12/2022 08:29

They are your kids, you don’t like her or know her that well. If you don’t want them hanging out with her alone then don’t let her have them. You don’t owe her anything, its not as if she’s a stepmum or something. Her intentions are probably good, but I’d trust my instincts when it comes to people around my kids.
if she wants more family get togethers to see them maybe you can all go for a walk in the park or something. Neutral ground all together.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 08:29

I agree that sounds like odd behaviour and I would be uncomfortable with it too.

from what you have written it doesn’t sound like she will understand you perspective at all. I personally would just repeatedly say no but give no reasons. Saying no without justifying or explain a is a good skill to develop. “No they won’t be coming for a sleep over”. “They are staying at home on 23rd”. Also just don’t reply to messages all the time. Just limit interaction.

I do feel for her because it sounds like she is desperately trying to make herself a part of your family. You can force those things though. Also, as someone else said, it is. Red flag when someone pushes for overnights with kids, especially ones they have no relationship with.

ASCADHDBAME · 31/12/2022 08:29

Relationships develop naturally and with time. I am very wary of who my children spend time with and she seems very intense. Not to say that the relationship won't develop as the kids grow older though, maybe arrange to go for tea etc xx

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Mumteedum · 31/12/2022 08:30

People saying you're being unkind are wrong. Your only priority when someone is trying to force a relationship with your kids is your children's safety and happiness.

I would feel the same. It is weird to force a relationship. She sounds self centred and the ignoring of your boundaries about that time she did babysit is bad.

If you're going through a divorce and if it ever goes to court about contact with Dad, everything is about ' in the interest of the children'. So keeping this in mind, how is it in their interest to have sleepovers with your brother's gf? What do they get out of it?

Nah, I'd be talking to your brother and I'd probably bit blunt next time she is pushy. I'd tell her it isn't about what she wants, it's about your kids and please stop asking. She's not offering to help you out or because your kids have a relationship with her already...so why is she offering? So she can play mummy? Just no. It's off.

yellowgecko · 31/12/2022 08:31

Or another view - is she trying to facilitate a better relationship between your brother and his nieces / nephews?

You've said he doesn't like / want children so maybe that doesn't come naturally to him.

You've also said you don't see them regularly.

If she sees herself as your long-term family is she trying to integrate herself more?

girlmom21 · 31/12/2022 08:33

I don't know how so many people are saying her behaviour isn't creepy here.

If this was a MIL people would be falling over themselves to berate her.

She's behaving really strangely. Trust your instincts OP.

strawberrysummer19 · 31/12/2022 08:33

@pocketvenuss I didn't say that - my point is that she doesn't like the women - has made that clear from day dot so the sleep over comment is irrelevant

No I wouldn't let my children stay either - but I wouldn't have the same dislike that op has created towards this women...the comment about not even legal family member 🙄but that's up to her and she's obviously not liking the women which is up to her

MzHz · 31/12/2022 08:34

good Grief @mombee99 your OP has me practically growling!

I’d want to say something like “sorry love, I’m not comfortable with this. Your relationship with them and me doesn’t have the right dynamic for sleepovers etc. I’m happy with the situation and the distance we have currently.”

she’s going to be deliberately dumb on appreciating your position or respecting your boundaries so be very clear and very firm.

she is creepy. You know this. Don’t ignore your instincts.

whiteroseredrose · 31/12/2022 08:35

She sounds bizarre to me. You can't force a relationship with children especially as far as sleepovers. If a great relationship developed naturally that would be different.

If they saw their aunt regularly on a social basis, got to love her slowly and naturally and then asked to sleepover at hers, that would be ok. But not just because she wants it. It is highly inappropriate, and potentially very awkward for your children.

Why would they want to stay with someone they barely know just because she is living with your brother?

Very, very odd.

This is her problem to address with your brother. She clearly wants children so needs a way to have her own, not annex yours.

frylite · 31/12/2022 08:36

I do think your attitude of "legal family" is weird.

You wouldn't suddenly like her if she married your brother.

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 08:37

You don’t like her so you’re going to post anything you think of to turn people on the internet against her and validate your position.

Based on your attitude I doubt she’s as bad as you say. And yes. Texting her that you don’t want your children having a relationship with someone who isn’t legally family is bitchy and unpleasant.

whiteroseredrose · 31/12/2022 08:38

Mumteedum · 31/12/2022 08:30

People saying you're being unkind are wrong. Your only priority when someone is trying to force a relationship with your kids is your children's safety and happiness.

I would feel the same. It is weird to force a relationship. She sounds self centred and the ignoring of your boundaries about that time she did babysit is bad.

If you're going through a divorce and if it ever goes to court about contact with Dad, everything is about ' in the interest of the children'. So keeping this in mind, how is it in their interest to have sleepovers with your brother's gf? What do they get out of it?

Nah, I'd be talking to your brother and I'd probably bit blunt next time she is pushy. I'd tell her it isn't about what she wants, it's about your kids and please stop asking. She's not offering to help you out or because your kids have a relationship with her already...so why is she offering? So she can play mummy? Just no. It's off.

This exactly.

RampantIvy · 31/12/2022 08:38

What kind of relationship does your brother have with your children @mombee99?
Did you take an instant dislike to the GF? If so, why?

nancydroo · 31/12/2022 08:41

Trust your instincts.

AnyMucca · 31/12/2022 08:43

She's sending your Mum away and ignoring your instructions, yet you're a bitch and should be kind? Bollocks to that. Trust your instincts. Oh and What does bro say in all this?

Redebs · 31/12/2022 08:47

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 08:19

Of course they would be, because it's overwhelmingly men who abuse children.

Show quote history

Some women do too.
More often they procure them for their partners.
Sounds like this is purely emotional abuse, rather than sexual, but OP feels uncomfortable, so the children need to be distanced from her.

Echobelly · 31/12/2022 08:50

I think you need to get your brother to talk to her about it if possible. I agree with suggestions of finding specific things she can do with them, like a film. Or maybe if there's something your boys like doing and you don't, she could take that on. Win-win 😉

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 08:50

@Redebs yes, I know Biscuit

Stripedbag101 · 31/12/2022 08:54

As a childless aunt who is very close my to my niece and nephew I find her behaviour odd. It seems to be about her needs to have a close relationship with any children.

she doesn’t respect your boundaries or seem to care particularly about the children. The five year old needs to be out to bed by someone he knows - she dismissed his need to feed her own selfish wants. For that alone I wouldn’t have her babysit again.

the 12 year old is a bit old to start a sleep over routine with a new auntie. He needs his privacy and I am certain she wouldn’t respect that.

Whitebluebell · 31/12/2022 08:54

It sounds as though she wants regular sleepovers like some type of custody agreement. I'm not sure of your circumstances with your ex and whether they stay over with him, but if they do then I can't imagine they would want to start sleeping over at another place, they probably want the stability of being at home. Would your brother even want them staying over? You're not being a bitch at all, you're protecting your children.

MsRosley · 31/12/2022 08:56

Your kids are not handy support objects designed to make her feel better about her life. It's not their job to compensate her for her childlessness. Unless they really want to hang out with her, they shouldn't be used to fill a gap in her life.

Stripedbag101 · 31/12/2022 08:59

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 31/12/2022 07:31

Am I the only one thinking the replies would be completely different if the sexes were reversed?

Massive massive red flags if a man was insisting on sleep overs and sending other adults away at bed time.

the mere fact that her behaviour makes the mother uncomfortable is huge. She should trust her instincts.

this woman seems to want to be instantly close to the children without putting any work in to gradually get to know them. She has a fantasy of being almost a second mum to the kids - but that’s inappropriate and yes a bit weird. The kids don’t seem at actually factor in to this. She doesn’t really seem to care about them as individuals - just children she can get close to.

for example the older boy has wildly different social needs to the five year old.

FlowerArranger · 31/12/2022 08:59

@mombee99 - you are entirely reasonable to feel uncomfortable about allowing close and unsupervised contact between your children and this woman - whose motives seem unusual if not actually suspect.

However, you are making this too complicated. All you need to respond with is "I'm afraid this won't be possible". Rinse and repeat. She'll either get the message or she won't, but either way you are not obligated to justify or explain.

AbsoluteYawns · 31/12/2022 09:02

Trust yourself OP. Sounds creepy AF to me and I would never let any children of mine be with her un chaperoned.
Imagine the comments if it was a new 'uncle' making these requests.

IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2022 09:06

Are you prepared to be honest with her and tell her how you feel?