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Original poster

Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

254 replies

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 03:35

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

OP posts:
strawberrysummer19 · 31/12/2022 07:12

Plus your children will never like her because of how clear you have made it how you feel about her

Fieldfly · 31/12/2022 07:13

No, it’s weird to ask kids you aren’t close to for a sleepover. So many other things they could do - cinema, bowling etc that would be a treat for the kids.

autienotnaughty · 31/12/2022 07:14

I don't think it matters if she's legally family. The fact is she doesn't know your kids and you don't want her to be close to them. She a look so sounds strange.

I'd just say no your not comfortable with sleepovers. You don't have to justify why. Your the parent you set the limits.

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Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 07:15

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice. Sorry I needed such an obvious smack on the head. I was just feeling a bit crazy/ confused after a few people telling me I was in the wrong/ should acquiesce. I will be assertive tomorrow and nip this all in the bud once and for all with my brother as well as her. I agree this is on the face of things obvious - but sometimes you get trapped being too polite/ stuck in the fog of it all.

OP posts:
HideyHoe · 31/12/2022 07:15

They are your children, you don't like her and don't feel comfortable or can trust her ... your priority is the children, they don't even know her enough for sleep overs. I would invite her to family events so she can come and see them but I wouldn't let her be in sole charge of them. It's not your or your children's job to be surrogate children for her. She's made her choices in life, the boys are not dollies for her to play mum and babies with. She should get a cat or a dog as it sounds she's lonely and pets bring out the nurturing side in us.

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 07:16

❤️

OP posts:
Discwriter · 31/12/2022 07:20

Is she from the same cultural background as you?

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 07:21

Yes. We’re both a culture (& ethnicity in that country) known for being overly polite and saying sorry

OP posts:
Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 31/12/2022 07:31

Am I the only one thinking the replies would be completely different if the sexes were reversed?

UniversalAunt · 31/12/2022 07:33

First rule of Auntie Club: Mum is Boss.

Your SIL doesn’t get this…yet.

I may have some sympathy for her as she may face the reality that she may never have children of her own, due to your B ‘s preferences & her age/declining fertility. There seems to be an element of distress in how ardent & tone deaf she is. Unless you are explicitly clear with her, she’ll not hear you.

Your children are not salves to ease her. Speak with your brother to find out if there is a larger issue about her not having children or is she prone to boundary crashing? This is a family matter, not just about what goes on between them as a couple. He may be relieved to discuss this or equally oblivious, but the matter is affecting you.

If she does stay the course with your brother, she will become a fixture in your family orbit & it’d be a shame for your kids to loose out on an aunt.

So if you can reach a neutral approach, perhaps try a few home visits on your terms to she how she is with your DC in shorts bursts. Maybe ask her along on a day trip with you? Do they develop any rapport? Do you develop a greater rapport with her? Auntie rapport cannot be forced even is there is a blood bond, but you can give it a chance. Your DC may like her visits & be up for a half-term trip to the movies etc. Sleepovers are not available.

You are not compelled to like your SIL, but it’ll suit you better in the longer term if you can find a way of treating her as family.

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 07:39

Yes

OP posts:
Redebs · 31/12/2022 07:47

It IS creepy; trust your instincts.
She wants access to your boys to satisfy HER needs. If it was an uncle wanting quality time alone with two young nieces...?
Definitely keep her away.

FellOnMyArseToDay · 31/12/2022 07:54

Op. They are your children. You when you are primary carer get to decide who they see or don’t see. DB GF sounds overly enthusiastic which is lovely for the DC but if you are not comfortable with that then it’s just how you feel. They are your DC and if you don’t feel comfortable facilitating a relationship for them with her that’s your choice. Harsh for the GF, but she’s 39, she can have a child if she really really desires it.

Ps I don’t think you’re a bitch.

They are yoir DC and if you dont feel comfortable then you just don’t.

lovemelovemesaythatyouloveme · 31/12/2022 07:55

You could be denying your children a really lovely relationship with someone who is for all intents and purposes their Aunty.
You know what they say OP...it takes a village! The more love and kindness kids are exposed to, the better.

MistletoeandBaileys · 31/12/2022 07:57

OP she can’t be a surrogate mother to your children. She knew where your brother stood on having kids and still made the journey to build a life with him.

She seems really pushy about your children which is really off to me. I would definitely say it to your brother and put my foot down on how much time she spends with them if I were you.

It’s really not your problem your brother doesn’t want children.

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 08:13

@IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord your replies are so vehemently pro the GF and violently against the OP that it seems you have some background issues of your own you are bringing into this. No way is it normal behaviour to frequently request sleepovers and force a relationship with your BFs kids. It's peculiar. The GF seems to have emotional needs that she is trying to fulfil with the OPs children. That is not healthy.

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 08:15

I don't think it's creepy as such, but given your example it's a classic issue of boundaries and trust. She doesn't seem to have any insight that relationships need to be built first both with you and the children. I would have major issues with someone who undermined me like that when it comes to my child.

And it's a shame really because in a different world she could have been a great support to you and aunt figure to them given she has both the time and the inclination to be around children.

But she doesn't have a right to them, and is behaving as if she does, they are not substitutes for her life decisions.

Deff speak to them both together. Safeguarding first. If you think there is anything to salvage then you could think about a way to allow access on your terms. The more positive relationships in childrens lives the better. Only you will know whether this can be one of those or not.

BellePeppa · 31/12/2022 08:15

I would feel very uncomfortable about this too OP. I wouldn’t be letting my children stay with her without me being there too. Trust your gut and do what is right for you. She doesn’t have boundaries and she wants your children to fill the void of her being childless. Next thing you know she’ll be fully inserting herself in their lives as a ‘step mother’ type figure.

SmiteTheeWithThunderbolts · 31/12/2022 08:17

Sounds like she's trying to use your children as substitutes for not having children herself. Children aren't toys to be lent out to childless people to fill the void in their lives. Tell her to get a cat (although I'd feel sorry for the cat).

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 08:19

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 31/12/2022 07:31

Am I the only one thinking the replies would be completely different if the sexes were reversed?

Of course they would be, because it's overwhelmingly men who abuse children.

SnowlayRoundabout · 31/12/2022 08:22

I was as blunt as I thought I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family

To be honest, I can see your point. Who are your brother and his long-term partner if not family?

DomesticShortHair · 31/12/2022 08:24

This all seems very complicated. As the parent(s), only you get to decide who your children have a family relationship with, and what form that relationship takes. That includes aunties, uncles, grandparents and brother’s GFs. They may have their own ideas/aspirations, but how much they are met is up to you. The only decision they get is how much they commit up to the level that you decide.

Dotcheck · 31/12/2022 08:26

Op
There are three dots on each post- press them, and you will see the quote function.
It’s impossible to know who you are replying to otherwise

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 08:27

strawberrysummer19 · 31/12/2022 07:12

It sounds like you just don't like her and you've justified it by asking if she's creepy and stated she is crossing boundaries

Just admit you don't like her and you don't want her getting close to them

She's getting shot down for reaching out - it sounds like she's never going to win with you

Let's face it you will never let them have a relationship with her so if that's the decision you have made then you don't need strangers on the internet to say you aren't being a bitch

If it was a childless 42 year old boyfriend who kept trying to arrange sleepovers with your dc whom he doesn't have a particularly strung relationship with. It's weird. It's completely not appropriate and of course the OP isn't feeling like she likes the GF that much. I wouldn't either.
Christ I can just imagine if a mother said 'against my own judgement I have allowed my sibling's partner to have my kids over for a sleepover because they were so desperate for it and kept asking'.
No no no and anyone saying this is nice and kind is seriously fooked up.
Always always go on your instincts when it comes to your dc

ittakes2 · 31/12/2022 08:28

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 05:27

Thanks I take you point - but someone who makes you uncomfortable and crosses boundaries - is still lovely to you? No issue sending your kids for sleepovers? Legit question.

I agree she is not listening to you but I think its because you keep referring to the word 'family' and this is confusing her. She is your brother's long term partner and she is technically part of your family - you can choose to not accept her as family which you seem to be doing.
Since you are divorced if you ever date again at what point would you want your sons to consider a new partner family? Only when you are legally married to them? Really? There would be many steps before this surely.
Also, do you think you are projecting a bit with the hurt from your own divorce? Break ups happen - you have no right to judge whether this woman is around for the long haul or not - its not your relationship. But breakups are part of life. Who knows maybe your brother would build a relationship with your sons if he spent more time with them even if he didn't intend to - might be good for your sons to spend time with him but preferably during the day rather than a sleep over.
As an aside 23rd is not christmas eve the 24th is christmas eve.