My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.
Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.
She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.
My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).
For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.
For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".
I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.
Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".
Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".
Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).
Otherwise - what should I do or say???