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Original poster

Is My Brothers GF a Creep or Am I a B???

254 replies

mombee99 · 31/12/2022 03:35

My (37F) bother (39M) has a live-in GF (42) who moved across the country to be with him 3 years ago. She basically gave up her last chance to have kids when she did this as my brother's never wanted kids and I know it's been really hard for her.

Since the first time she met me, she's been talking about how much she wants to spend time and get close to my boys (5 & 12). Since she's arrived, she would often invite my kids to spend time with her/them...I know this is all her and nothing to do with my brother as he's not a kids person. Usually I'd make an excuse and that would be that.

She's not a bad person but she is someone I don't fully trust to understand or respect boundaries - just a combination over time of her not seeming to understand social norms and boundaries especially around my kids. She asks overly serious and personal questions about me and my children at times that I find intrusive and rude. That she assumes as my bother's GF she automatically has a relationship with my children really rubs me the wrong way.

My kids have been through a tough divorce and there are ongoing custody issues currently so I'm not even sure if I want them getting "close" to someone who isn't even legally family. I don't know that it's fair to them, if she weren't to stay in the picture long term (which is my suspicion). At this point, they have no strong bond or connection with her (she's not even especially fun around them tbh - she's fairly serious even towards kids).

For context, they do have grandparents and other aunts/uncles who spend lots of time with them and spoil them ...so it's not as if they don't have family.

For awhile she stopped asking so much and I relaxed. A couple months ago though she told me she's been protecting her heart by not seeing them - as it's a reminder she doesn't have her own kids...but that she's decided she doesn't want to live like that and now wants to make my kids a "priority".

I was as blunt as I \thought\ I needed to be and texted "my priority is for my children to spend time with their family if they're going to be socializing with anyone" - to my surprise, she didn't understand at all. She kept texting back "What do you mean by family? Like group hang outs with everyone? What do you mean "family"?" etc...I didn't even know what to say at that point and largely ignored.

Then at Christmas, she wanted them to come for a sleepover on the 23rd...I was incredulous and said so she wants them to sleep over Christmas Eve Eve?? The one Christmas holiday weekend I have off from work to celebrate with my kids?? She texted back okay and to let her know if things change and "it can work".

Then tonight she texted that going forward "she'd love to be closer to the boys and have sleepovers every few months".

Would I be out of line if I told her that I don't feel comfortable having my boys getting "close" to someone not legally in the family? (Although to be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable even if she were legal family).

Otherwise - what should I do or say???

OP posts:
RhymeHasAReason · 31/12/2022 18:35

your

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 18:36

misslucy92 · 31/12/2022 18:25

No one is saying that you should send them to sleepovers immediately.

You should simply consider that she’s their aunt and it might be nice for them to have some contact.

I know quite a few women who had kids in their 40s so it’s not unlikely that they might still have a baby as people change their minds all of the time. How would you feel if she treats you the same way and you’ll never see your niece or nephew?

She‘s family, even though you don’t seem to want this.

I highly doubt it - in fact I suspect he’s been snipped - but even if they do then I’ll see the kid the same amount as my kids see their other aunts and uncles - at family gatherings. Its not as if other aunts and uncles see my kids more and she’s asking for the same…she’s asking for way more… to basically be on par with their grandmother. Even if you consider her their aunt - which I don’t (and in which case are all his ex-GF’s their ex-aunts?) - family doesn’t automatically mean you’re owed a relationship

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 18:41

i find that hurtful personally that she is not their aunt in your opinion

after 3 years with your db surely she is their aunt?

but i agree that her behaviour is odd imo

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misslucy92 · 31/12/2022 18:44

You can easily get a sperm donation. Not saying they’ll definitely do this but I know quite a few couples in their 40s who never wanted kids and then changed their minds and had them. I’m currently pregnant and in one of my classes 50% of the women are 40+. It’s something to consider. Times have changed and having kids in your 40s is not as unusual as it used to be.

Family seems to mean a very different thing to you than it does to me.

Most children are grateful to have relationships with relatives who make an effort. You’re also depriving them of a relationship with their aunt. Well she’s his girlfriend now and they are serious so yeah, she’s an aunt. You are welcome to interpret this differently of course.

i find it sad that you’re not giving her a chance and think it’s something you might regret but it’s up to you and your decision in the end.

2bazookas · 31/12/2022 18:48

Do not let your kids have a sleepover with any adult you don't have full confidence in. The reason for distrust doesn't matter. Your gut says no.

You don't like her = disqualified from sleepovers.

If she ever pulls that creepy "protecting her heart" "making them a priority " crap again, just say " My priority is protecting my sons. You are far too invested in kids you hardly know, and that's not healthy or good for them"

Talk to your kids about her; be a bit curious about what she does and says when no adults around.

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 18:51

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 18:41

i find that hurtful personally that she is not their aunt in your opinion

after 3 years with your db surely she is their aunt?

but i agree that her behaviour is odd imo

Cruel? Okay. When exactly did she become their aunt? The day she moved in with him? The day she had sex with him? When they started dating? A year after she moved in? Two? What happens if she moves out? Where she sleeps makes her family to my kids? Some people consider their friends family (which I do and my kids do have close family friends called “uncle this” or “teta that”) and don’t even consider their bio family, family. Like I said, I have no legal or emotional bond to her and my kids aren’t close… so to me she’s my brothers GF.

OP posts:
Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 18:52

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 18:41

i find that hurtful personally that she is not their aunt in your opinion

after 3 years with your db surely she is their aunt?

but i agree that her behaviour is odd imo

Sorry I don’t mean my previous post as aggressive or rude - just honestly thinking out loud what makes family?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 31/12/2022 18:52

Looks more like you’re a bit thrown by your DB’s GF wanting to force a close relationship instead of developing a close healthy relationship organically.

She sounds really full on, it would freak me out a bit too.

2bazookas · 31/12/2022 18:52

Landlubber2019 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Did you confront the GF about dismissing your mum after the babysitting event and what did she say?

Exactly the kind of stunt abusers pull.

My kids would never spend another night with her.

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 18:55

misslucy92 · 31/12/2022 18:44

You can easily get a sperm donation. Not saying they’ll definitely do this but I know quite a few couples in their 40s who never wanted kids and then changed their minds and had them. I’m currently pregnant and in one of my classes 50% of the women are 40+. It’s something to consider. Times have changed and having kids in your 40s is not as unusual as it used to be.

Family seems to mean a very different thing to you than it does to me.

Most children are grateful to have relationships with relatives who make an effort. You’re also depriving them of a relationship with their aunt. Well she’s his girlfriend now and they are serious so yeah, she’s an aunt. You are welcome to interpret this differently of course.

i find it sad that you’re not giving her a chance and think it’s something you might regret but it’s up to you and your decision in the end.

I take your point and I did give her a chance though. It’s not like from day one I felt this way. It’s been 3 years of her consistently acting far beyond even how their grandparents act in terms of assuming access and having poor boundaries.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 19:03

you must say No to the sleep overs op.

Original poster
mombee99 · 31/12/2022 19:04

2bazookas · 31/12/2022 18:48

Do not let your kids have a sleepover with any adult you don't have full confidence in. The reason for distrust doesn't matter. Your gut says no.

You don't like her = disqualified from sleepovers.

If she ever pulls that creepy "protecting her heart" "making them a priority " crap again, just say " My priority is protecting my sons. You are far too invested in kids you hardly know, and that's not healthy or good for them"

Talk to your kids about her; be a bit curious about what she does and says when no adults around.

Wow thank you! This is absolutely perfect and the phrase I’ve been searching for but couldn't quite put my finger on

OP posts:
Original poster
mombee99 · 01/01/2023 06:09

Hi All.

So tonight just now I had this conversation to see if I was wrong/ under-estimating about my kids relationship/ feelings about GF:

Me: so (GF) was asking if you’d like a sleep over with her and DB - is that something you’d like?

5yo: Um who? Um well I kind of forget her

Me: No worries.

5yo: Well is she (*grandpa’s GF)? Coz then maybe

Me: Nevermind sweetie. Don’t worry about it.

5yo: Well I kind of forget her

OP posts:
HideyHoe · 01/01/2023 07:58

Well exactly, she is overestimating the bond. Your smaller boy doesn't even know her. Like I said, trust your feelings and it's not your or your boys job to be borrowed children to play house with.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 01/01/2023 08:56

I think you should not let your kids have sleepovers with anyone you don't feel comfortable with - regardless if they are family or not.

Especially since it seems one sided and your sons don't ask for it.

I feel sorry for her as she is clearly desperate for her own kids, but she made choice to be with someone who doesn't want them. Your kids can't be her proxy kids, that's just odd.

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 10:06

You’re making it kind of easy for yourself. Of course he doesn’t remember her because you’ve tried everything to keep her out of his life and he’s a small kid.

That doesn’t mean anything.

Obviously don’t send him for a sleepover. But having her and your brother around so that they can get to know each other might be nice for them in the long term.

Most people enjoy having a good relationship with aunts and uncles. Often times aunts and uncles help their nephews and nieces out. Mine helped pay for my year abroad. If there’s no bond your kids may miss out.

Again it’s your decision and you don’t have to. Just be aware that your kids might miss out.

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2023 10:22

Oh please. Brother isn’t bothered about children and isn’t hugely interested in them.

OP doesn’t like the SIL, who also does not have any relationship with the OP’s kids and has herself been distant from the DC (for whatever reason).

No I would not force a relationship with the DC and SIL because SIL has decided she wants a relationship with the DC now.

OP doesn’t like her, that’s a good reason not to force her DC to have a relationship with her.

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 10:31

Well, I’d be mad if my mum had deprived me of a relationship with my aunt and uncle but she’s the one who’ll have to explain it to her kids later on.

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2023 10:37

None of my DC have close relationships with extended family instigated by the none related family member.

my DC have a loving relationship with their aunties DH’s sisters. Because we see them at family events and they make an effort.

my DC do not notice the assorted partners of aunties, who have come and gone throughout their lives., some of whom have been around for a few years. I doubt any of my DC will be furious at me because of that 🙄

pocketvenuss · 01/01/2023 13:44

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2022 18:41

i find that hurtful personally that she is not their aunt in your opinion

after 3 years with your db surely she is their aunt?

but i agree that her behaviour is odd imo

Totally depends on the relationship. 3 years of totally devoted 'going to spend the rest of our lives together' is different from 'the latest in a series of mid length relationships where the OPs brother is only partially emotionally invested'.

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 13:45

you would have thought after 3 years they would be pretty serious

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 13:46

or rather i would have thought after 3 years they are committed

pocketvenuss · 01/01/2023 14:08

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 13:46

or rather i would have thought after 3 years they are committed

Not necessarily. Lots of people break up after 3-4 years together. I don't know the OPs brother but she has said that this is the 3rd live in gf he's had. He may just go through them or not be terribly committed so they leave after a few years. I've known plenty like that

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 01/01/2023 23:40

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 08:13

@IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord your replies are so vehemently pro the GF and violently against the OP that it seems you have some background issues of your own you are bringing into this. No way is it normal behaviour to frequently request sleepovers and force a relationship with your BFs kids. It's peculiar. The GF seems to have emotional needs that she is trying to fulfil with the OPs children. That is not healthy.

Violently?

Are you okay?

Nowhere is anything violent.

OP also drip-fed info. It doesn't help when we don't get all the info.

Original poster
mombee99 · 02/01/2023 01:31

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 01/01/2023 23:40

Violently?

Are you okay?

Nowhere is anything violent.

OP also drip-fed info. It doesn't help when we don't get all the info.

Show quote history

Drip fee info?? Tbh as someone who doesn’t post much online I assumed stating I felt someone had poor boundaries - would be taken at face value. I can’t anticipate every single question. I feel that’s pretty normal. I also recognize you can’t add every single thing into a post for brevities sake. I know I will personally not read posts after a certain length. I do appreciate any and all feedback that folks took the time to post.

OP posts: