Not making it all about your kids

[OcadoHummus]

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

You have no idea what anyone's available funds are. The rest, I don't really know what you're saying to be honest, but yeah you're great and the others are not?

I suppose I do plan most things around my children such as days out, budget and lifestyle. Days out - they’ll be coming with me regardless and I would just be dragging 2 bored miserable toddlers to a restaurant/shops etc so why not do something that makes them happy?
Budget - of course! They’re expensive! My childcare costs are over £2000 a month. Lifestyle - it’s changed hugely since becoming a parent, I can’t just pretend they don’t exist.
FWIW, mine are 2 and 4. I imagine as they’re older I’ll get more time to myself and be able to do more ‘adult’ stuff but at the moment, I just can’t.
This isn’t to say I don’t buy myself nice things or treat myself.

I agree adult relationships also need nurturing and adults are entitled to self care also. People who say their dc are Their Whole World make me want to vomit. These dc are imo on for a Big Shock when real life as a grown up isn't just all about them.

Do what you like and let others do the same. We dont all have to do the same as each other. I would can the sanctimonious congratulations to yourself though that doesn't come across well.

I think it’s important to show that you matter too, but I don’t feel like buying things for myself as much anymore. Maybe they feel the same way.

YANBU. Does nobody any favours, kids and adults alike. I know a couple where the bloke still sleeps on the sofa so mum can share the bed with the 3yo and breastfeed them overnight mum looks gaunt and has aged about 15 years since the kid was born but ‘has to meet their needs’ 🙄

Why wouldn't I factor my DC into my lifestyle choices and budget?

Most people I know consider our children when we make decisions because we accept that when we choose to have children, it means our life changes. It doesn't mean we don't have our own hobbies and interests.

I find people who make a big deal about how if mama isn't happy nobody is tend to be quite self-absorbed and selfish, but like to use self care language to justify it.

This.

I don't know anyone who fits your criticism. Every mother I know has their own interests and leisure time and buys stuff just for them (my kids are mid to later junior school age).

You really are not so unique.

I work with some students who have clearly had that experience growing up. It really does the children (& then adults) no favours at all to grow up thinking that they matter more than anyone else.

You don't plan your budget around having kids? Intrigued to know how that works, assuming you have kids.

I agree to an extent (parent of a 1yo here) - not Christmas-specific but I note that many friends/family seem to plan all very kid-centric activities and always seem to have a plan in place for them at weekends, doesn't seem to be much time for the kids to just play/use their imaginations. One friend does baby sensory activities all the time and no time for herself/to spend with husband. But it makes her happy. Each to their own.

On a related note, my daughter received what she required for Christmas 😂

She really loves the 5-7 thoughtful gifts we gave her, and they were a nice addition to what she already has. I think that experiences are more significant, so this month we went on enjoyable festive outings that included everyone.

She won't go without, I assure you—I've reserved Disney on Ice for her birthday 😆 and she will get a nice new outfit from me.. meal out probably and then some presents from her grandparents.

I decide what she needs, she isn't the centre of attention and focus which I think is really important to raise balanced and considerate children.

I treated myself to some lovely cashmere socks, a fresh scent for Christmas and always dedicate time to my daily beauty routines which she sees 😆🙃😉 she enjoys watching.

Just another example of showing how I AM STILL A HUMAN not just a mummy.

I feel like fewer mothers today live like I do and it’s something people are embarrassed to admit.

Each person prioritises what is important to them. Outsiders don't necessarily understand why.

Someone looking inward to our house would see me, single mum, paying for DS to go on school ski trip and German & Geography field trips while I haven't a holiday since before Covid.

But I don't want my DS to miss out. I can't get travel insurance at the moment because I'm 15 months into recovery from cancer, so I can't take him and I'm glad the school can.

It's the best way to spend my funds in my circumstances.

I think one of the biggest problems with modern parenting is the concept of "my children are my world" I don't think it's a healthy mentality for a child or parent. I was parented in this way and I think I'm quite selfish, dependent in some respects and it has put huge pressure on me due to my mum's reliance on me, not physically, but so much of her life is me and that is a lot of responsibility. If I'm struggling I can't go to her because she stresses that I am struggling.

I've tried to be much more level headed with my kids, I ensure my needs and wants are met and that my DH take time for ourselves, there's a balance between everything being about children or adults; Children's wants don't trump adult needs, nor indeed wants sometimes.

Children should be raised to feel safe, loved and looked after, but not the centre of everything. My children are a huge and important part of my life, but they don't define me, I live a full life which they are a part of, not the centre of.

It really isn’t about that. It’s the fact me admitting I matter and spend just as much on myself and things I like is somehow not normal.

Whereas others go without to appease their kids… it’s just not for me!!!

Honey I want posh chocs and a glass of wine - shamelessly!

Jesus Christ op, I'm sorry but you sound unbelievable full of yourself.

I think it's important to do things for yourself too, I do I buy my craft/art stuff, my books, occasionally get my eyebrows done when they look like Hagrids 😆 but I also like to put my kids first too.
Difference is I don't bring down others who choose to parent/live differently, live and let live.

You sound like the sort of person I would be friends with!
Life in our house revolves around the FAMILY, and that includes us as parents. My DH and I with FT and both compete in our respective sports (me swimming, him tennis), so we have to train (I do this at 6am before work and he goes straight after work and gets home for dinner, which yes, the kids have to wait for) and juggle childcare with competitions, which is as important as our kids' activities. Our kids get plenty of quality time with us, and have had lovely Christmas presents but they know better than to expect a whole toy shop full. We are also screen free, except for family film nights.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Well you kind of have to unless you have infinite money

But I get what you are saying in a not very well articulated way. There are some parents who put their kids first to everyone else's detriment. Most parents in real life aren't like this though.

Honestly I love my daughter and being a mum is amazing. But I want to feel special and treat myself like I always have done… it feels good!

I also take my child to restaurants I enjoy and coffee shops - of course it’s not her dream but we compromise! I like these places and luckily she has learnt to also.

If I can have my latte and chill she can then have an afternoon at the farm 😂 it’s teaching compromise!

Stuff like this. Forced suffering upon yourself, lack of sleep, no boundaries and feeling awful.

The child needs to learn.

I know someone who still spoon feeds and dresses her 6 year old. His teacher says it’s him being controlling of her and wanting to be the centre of her universe, like he’s used to.

@OcadoHummus did you just call me honey?

Just another example of showing how I AM STILL A HUMAN not just a mummy.

I feel like fewer mothers today live like I do and it’s something people are embarrassed to admit
Oh bless you OP. You really do think you're unique.
Plenty of mothers have nice things. The difference between us and you is we don't think we're special and different for doing it.

It really isn’t about that. It’s the fact me admitting I matter and spend just as much on myself and things I like is somehow not normal.
Entirely normal to all my friends

Whereas others go without to appease their kids… it’s just not for me!!!
How delightfully self absorbed. Many parents realise the whole world doesn't revolve around them once they choose to have children.

Honey I want posh chocs and a glass of wine - shamelessly!
Again, plenty of mothers enjoy chocolate and wine. Nothing unusual.

I feel like fewer mothers today live like I do and it’s something people are embarrassed to admit.

Oh yeah, no-one I knows ever treats themselves to anything like socks or has a skincare routine 😒 I spend my days wearing saggy leggings and a faded hoodie because I'm a mother and would be embarrassed to wear anything nice or indulge in any self care.

What are you on, OP?

If I can have my latte and chill she can then have an afternoon at the farm 😂 it’s teaching compromise!

Isn’t this how most people parent? We’re off to the pub now because it’s what DH and I want to do. But we’ve got colouring and toys with us and we’ll get DS a snack while we are there, because we want him to have a nice time too. I haven’t got loads of makeup on as I’d rather spend my last day off with my family, but I look nice enough. This is literally how all my friends parent too. I’m not sure you are anything particularly special, you’re just trying to provocative.