Not making it all about your kids

[OcadoHummus]

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

Yeah this is definitely you having a really weird group of acquaintances than an actual thing. Mums liking wine and chocolate is the opposite of unusual- it’s actually a cliché.

Love this.

You're not special, OP, just incredibly privileged 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'm happy for you that there's room in your budget for cashmere and posh chocolates. There isn't in mine, and kids grow fast, so a good portion of my budget goes on kids' clothes, shoes etc. If you think that makes me "just a mummy" and that by extension that means I'm somehow subhuman, well, that sounds like a you problem.

You wouldn’t see your mates doing these things, though, in the same way they won’t see you reading a book with a glass of wine and a face mask on because it’s a solo activity, not a holiday socialising activity.

This thread is quite weird because you really do seem to be convinced no one else ever does some fairly normal things.

I get it we all love our kids but Christ some of our friend life were just 100% kids
no social life or individual interest
look at them now there kids are Late teens early twenties they still run there kids ridiculously because they have nothing else . Also there kids are so useless no idea how they will end up independent

This thread has worried me. I don’t think I’ve adequately kept my pals updated about my sock buying - they may well think I’m just a mummy. I do wear socks I promise 😌

@OcadoHummus if my husband ever thinks in a slightest he's the most priority in our family, anything left over is for our son, the divorce is on the table. So good luck with your relationship!
I would be interested to see how your daughter turns out growing up, so please keep us posted. This reminds me how my husband's parents used to travel every year overseas without him (he would be sent to the grandparent) - not even once he has been travelled overseas until adult age, and to this day, he still hold some grudges against it 30 years later. In his account now as a dad himself, he still couldn't understand how his parent can go travel without him and feel fine about it.
I do have some treat for myself occasionally or regularly depending on how expensive or timely it takes and if there is a budget/time for it (e.g very occasionally spa day with my fried, lunch out with husband without our son, a short facial at home when there is time, late yoga or during lunch break). HOWEVER, everything else that involves our family at a whole, my son' still the priority and we are HAPPILY to do so.

"It really isn’t about that. It’s the fact me admitting I matter and spend just as much on myself and things I like is somehow not normal.

Whereas others go without to appease their kids… it’s just not for me!!! "

Why all or nothing? I'm not a Martyr. I treat myself occasionally and enjoy regular exercise child free but it's the 'just as much' thing we can't stretch to! My son is not a brat, he's a nice normal kid.

Hey?

Is OP American ?

It's hard isn't it, we all generally prioritise our kids, but all have different levels of what is acceptable.
I am sure some people think my kids are spoilt, yes they have a lot and do a lot. But they are also respectful and have manners. And I also take time for myself. We have been out with some right horrors over the Christmas period with parents who just don't say no. They aren't doing themselves any favours and if my kids behaved like that I'd be mortified.

I get it we all love our kids but Christ some of our friend life were just 100% kids

no social life or individual interest

look at them now there kids are Late teens early twenties they still run there kids ridiculously because they have nothing else . Also there kids are so useless no idea how they will end up independent

I detest seeing children overindulged and treated like they're so special they must have everything and don't need to do a thing.

I know women who are my age that still depend on their mothers as if they are there to serve - who spend their entire lives taking care of other people and making them happy.

Get kids helping as soon as possible. Including them in the cooking and cleaning at home for example.

I do think that a lot of mothers feel as though their efforts are ignored or underappreciated.

When these kids turn 18 they have no idea how to even use a washing machine or cook.

P.S. I'm not trying to "boast" about my financial situation, and I don't understand how any of the things I mentioned could be interpreted as such 😂

You have no idea of peoples interests or hobbies just because you perceive them to be involved parents. You sound very judgmental and actually slightly insecure about your own choices. By the way, no one cares.

*judgemental

@OcadoHummus

You sound bitter that you know women your age who have mothers who “serve” them. Do you have mother issues? Are you jealous of your adult friends who have supportive mothers well into adulthood?

I am 34 and I can rely on my mother for help if needs be. Doesn’t mean I’m not self sufficient or that she’s there to “serve” me. She just decided to mother me long past the age of 18.
She has always been helpful and will continue to be so for as long as she has her faculties. I count myself very lucky indeed.

Get kids helping as soon as possible. Including them in the cooking and cleaning at home for example.
What on earth has this got to do with buying yourself socks and being a unique mummy that enjoys wine and chocolate?

Fun fact: there's a lot of parents out there who accept their lives change when they have children, and maintain their hobbies/interests, and enjoy a glass of wine/eat chocolate, and who might use beauty products. They're are highly involved with their children and want to do things for their children because they don't have a bizarre need to focus on keeping children in their place with a dash of nauseating but mummy needs wine to be happy cliches. Their children also are involved in family life. It's just run of the mill parenting. 😂

I certainly don’t think I could ever agree with someone who refers to children as ‘brats’.

you aren’t special OP.

my children are only young once - of course I make them the centre of my universe. I didn’t have a child to fit in with my lifestyle, I had a baby to be a mum. That means putting your child first, however that doesn’t mean never spending any money on yourself or buying yourself things or feeling good about yourself.

but yes all day every day literally revolves around them. We go out for lunch and dinner all the time - but we go to family friendly places. We have days out all the time - but we do things that we know they’ll enjoy too. It’s not their job to fit in with us.

this nonsense of ‘children have to learn’ - learn what? What exactly are you on about? I feel sorry for your child, not because you dare to do things for yourself because believe it or not that’s normal.

Lol at the idea that being over focused on your dc means they won’t know how to cook for themselves or use a washing machine as if doing the opposite automatically means that those children will arrive at Uni knowing all of that.

dc1 started Uni this year. Very few of those students cook. They all have learnt pretty sharp ish how to use the washing machine.
im now wondering if this means that mothers like the OP are a very rare breed seeing how few students know how to cook 😂😂
As if 99% of mothers actually don’t take the time for a glass of wine, a facial and general me time.
The sale of beauty products might tell you otherwise but hey Ho…

I despise that "If Mama ain't happy..." adage.

Essentially it's saying, if the Mother of the house is a bit posed off, she'll make everyone's life miserable. Who wants to live like that? My mother made damn sure we all knew if she wasn't happy, there was no way my children were going to grow up in that environment.

I have a 26yo and a 22yo. We've always been a team. Everything I've ever done for them, given them has brought me immense joy.

They're wonderful people. Dd26 has SN and will not be independent and we've given her anything she's ever asked for.

Ds22 has had his education massively prioritised. He's an incredible, hard working student has a part time job and has an amazing relationship with us, his sister and his gf. He's off skiing tomorrow and we were delighted to help him with the trip.

I've been able to eat "posh chocs", have good coffee, read and practice yoga throughout.

These things are not mutually exclusive.

We all know the OP's thread is inflammatory nonsense but I'm biting because reading this would have broken me when my eldest was 4 months old. He screamed for several hours a day straight, except when he was breastfeeding. Then he would over feed and throw up everywhere, then would scream for feeds and so on went the circle for months on end, day and night (woke every 40 minutes). I felt I was the only source of comfort and couldn't bear to leave him. I would have huge anxiety attacks if I ever went to the shop without him, going for a shower was out of the question. The in laws took the huff that I wouldn't leave him but I was so isolated and I couldn't talk to anyone. At times, I dreamt of driving us both off the road. I know now I wasn't well but I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Your post is ludicrous, self indulgent, boastful, shallow and entirely devoid of empathy. If anyone who is struggling sees this, please know it gets better ❤️

I honestly think that this thread is further evidence that women simply cannot do right for doing wrong and without someone judging them enormously.

Eat the chocolates, drink the wine, do the skin care. Buy the experiences, do the play dates.

well done, OP for feeling satisfied and contented with your lot. Genuinely. It’s great. You are correct that many women feel conditioned to put their own needs and wants last.

but equally be cautious of presuming that because someone lives a different lifestyle that their wants and needs are not being met.

I don’t do fancy chocolates, spa days or child free weekends and probably look like an absolute tip most of the time. We don’t all need to be in competition

What a totally bizarre thread to post. I'm still not quite seeing what OP is doing that is particularly unusual or noteworthy...

Except people that are content and satisfied with their lot don't normally waste their time sneering at other people and their kids and how wrong their parenting is.

Also loving OP's list of what she spent for Christmas... you've clearly got a good amount of spare money. That's lovely, and I'm pleased for you, but have you considered that not everybody does?

Perhaps the people you're looking down on don't spend money on themselves because there's none left.

I also find this whole "women MUST be a person outside of being a mum" thing odd. Why? Obviously if you want or need that feeling, then it's right for you to do what you have to do to achieve that. But why do people sneer at others who do find most of their happiness in being a mum? If they're happy, what's the problem? Why is being a mum a bad thing to find fulfilment in?

Women can do nothing right.

The “my children are my world" is one of the biggest problems we have right now.

I just think the total putting yourself on the back burner is baffling. Whilst convincing your children they’re the centre of the universe.

For example, buying your kids the best designer clothes but not yourself.

I always buy what I like to wear firstly and then I’ll buy theirs, usually something of equal quality. I would never buy my daughter something lovely but not myself?! Because I worked for it!

I work hard for what we have and we will equally enjoy the results of that is what I’m saying.

I really find it quite sad really to not see yourself as a priority in life.