Not making it all about your kids

[OcadoHummus]

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

If I had money to provide nice clothes and activities for me and the kids that'd be lovely. As it is, it's a choice and I'll always choose them

It depends how it's done and why , doesn't it? Parents that do it out of guilt,or obligation, or because it's the done thing or whatever will definitely struggle to find a balance and can end up resenting "the effort" or even the children. Parents who make their children their "whole world " ,then to lose their identity, their relationship might struggle, they might struggle when the kids leave the nest or when they rebel against being their parent's single focus. Seeing your children as just an addition to your life, that they have to fit in around you and your needs is not great either. Ofc ,I'm making massive generalisations here.

The thing is, most parents are somewhere in the middle and in general, the needs and wants of everyone in the family are prioritised at some time or another depending on the circumstances. If they're lucky enough to also have kids with similar interests then it works even better, because a treat for the child is also a treat for the adult and the other way around too.

I think the children's needs and happiness should should always come first. That's not spoiling them I think it's just being a good parent.
It doesn't mean you can't spend on yourself but If it's a choice between nice presents for the child or the adult then the child should come first every time

Is that you Meghan?

It’s one thing carving out valuable time for yourself as a busy mother - that’s necessary for well-being - but it’s quite another to boast about the shallow, unimportant things that you prioritise whilst your poor dd sits watching on the side-lines as you preen yourself. She’s a sure fire candidate for growing up with low self-esteem and living for the crumbs of your attention and approval.

Indeed. For a start, what do you do about children who, however hard you try, just won't stay in the goddamn box when you try to compartmentalise your life in this way? Instead, they kick, scream and wallop their way out of it, not giving a toss about your special me-time.

I think it's really good for kids to know that they are not the centre of the universe, and hat that just sometimes they have to slot in with plans that adults have and want to make.

For various reasons we've been a bit more low key with the kids in recent months and I think it's been quite good for all of us, to have downtime instead of trying to keep them entertained all the time.

Haha

My kids are my world but guess what, I still buy myself nice things and go out with friends and even go on holiday without the kids

But ultimately, yes they come first. People may look in and think our kids are always doing things and going places too. However, most people probably don't give a shit and just think we are the same as most other normal people. Kids come first with time and money carved out for us to do what we want too.

I agree. I know soooo many people who claimed having kids wouldn't change their lives and they spent the first couple of years trying to keep them up late so they could carry on with their child-free existence or getting up an hour early to do their hair and make up before the nursery run. It's not for me. I maintain my healthy habits as best I can and they have to fit in around some stuff but generally if the kids are happy then so am I. If the kids are grumpy then it affects me too.

I do agree with you to some extent.
I wouldn't want to swing back to the 60s/ 70s style of parenting but I do think we are (as a society) too far the offer way.

I think it's really important to consider your own well-being OP and also do things for you that you used to do before kids.

I am also if the view that that I'm still 'me' and shouldn't have to sacrifice all my hobbies etc. just because I'm now a mum. Some may see it as selfish but I need to be happy too so I can be the best mum possible.

I'm forever feeling guilty when I go to the hairdressers (once every 8 weeks) or nail salon (once every 3 weeks) however this 'me' time really helps keep me sane it what can be a really full on time with three young kids!

I also make sure my DH maintains his own hobbies and has time to be 'him' too and having time off from being dad.

Like you I think it's important that kids understand that they're not going to be the centre of every single day, every single activity - realistically they are most of the time but our snippets of grown up time are so important to us!

Some couples/parents don't require their independent time etc. and there is no right or wrong way to parent but I certainly do!

Rather than laughing at how pathetic they seem to you, why aren't you questioning their lack of support? I wouldn't leave my 3 year olds alone and awake to have a, shower because if I can't hear them, they're probably climbing, eating or biting something or someone they shouldn't. And I don't want a rushed 30 second shower. So I have one once DH is home or whilst he's putting the kids to bed or whilst he's making tea.

Like everything it depends on individual circumstances. If you have one more than one young DC, perhaps are also juggling work and on a tight budget then prioritising yourself might be difficult. There were certainly periods where I have prioritised paying for extracurricular activities or expensive school trips for DCs to give them that opportunity rather than buying myself something. That's not being a martyr that's being a good parent.

I also think that hobbies or interests that aren't typically seen as indulgent,sophisticated etc by society are often overlooked or ignored and people just assume a parent has lost themselves ,or is boring, or is all about the kids now.

I never did a lot of the things mentioned by OP before kids,why would I start now? To prove a point? To show others I'm not boring or lost myself?

So you make sure your daughter sees your beauty routines, so she knows that's what makes her mother her own person. What an incredible role model you are - how aspirational. Hmm

My week is made a little bit more special and makes me feel good by all the little things I do that make me happy.

So yes, my little "me" activities that make me happy include my beauty routine, reading a book while sipping wine, and applying a face mask at the end of a long day.

It's beneficial to let my daughter see me getting on with these things.

I never did a lot of the things mentioned by OP before kids, why would I start now? To prove a point? To show others I'm not boring or lost myself?

I’m sure you have your own thing, that’s my point. Rather than sniggering at my happiness over a fancy box of chocolates etc just for me 😂

Thing is I enjoyed snorkelling, long walks and getting pissed (not necessarily in that order!) before my children. None of these things are easily achieved with a 6, 3 and 1 year old in tow. But maybe I should find a sitter and go and do all 3 and leave the kids to it? I don’t know, I do agree that things centring around children all the time may not be healthy for them however I think that is both being self employed means they will see they don’t always come first. Who knows.

I think the point is, no one sees it as selfish if you do these things. So many do it, me included and I have never ever given it a thought til now because of this weird post. I've never thought I'm better than anyone else because I try to make sure I get some time out with friends or get my eyebrows done. It's just normal to me. But if people don't do that I wouldn't think I was superior to them like the OP seems to think, or that those kids are spoilt, I would just think everyone has different priorities, needs, time & amounts of spare cash. As long as kids are loved, feel loved and are happy, that's all that really matters.

Starting to think this is a wind up now. It's hardly aspirational parenting letting your child watching you do make up. Maybe seeing you up on stage winning the Nobel prize but doing your make up. Nope.

Nobody really thinks you're that controversial in keeping some things in your routine that make you happy, OP. Your post comes across as quite judgemental of those who don't prioritise the same things as you, though, so maybe be a bit more mindful that everyone's thrills aren't the same.
For me, the budget in the latter half of the year meant I could either go a bit mad on hosting a great Christmas for my family and get a few more cool presents for my child, or I could have splashed it on a spa day or similar indulgence for myself. I chose the great Christmas option because it gave me far, far more joy than a spa day would, not because I'm a martyr or I've lost my identity or whatever it is you're trying to imply.
My identity, like many other parents, has expanded since having children - I'm myself AND a mother, and I get more satisfaction out of treating my child than spoiling myself. Each to their own, OP, and as long as you're not harming anyone, I don't think anyone really cares what you spend your time or money on.

Some people, myself included, get much more pleasure spending time with and going out with my children than I would doing something for myself.

I'd stop the self-congratulatory back slapping if I were you and maybe consider that not everyone is the same? And IF you don't even have children...well keep your beak out! I was soooo judgey pre-kids and well now I realise I didn't have a clue.

I think you have no idea what it gets di based on what you saw during the festive season.
In that sort if situation, yes I’ve always concentrated on my dcs because it’s easier for me and fur the sake if other people too. In that way, they’ve come first.

But the cashmere gloves or the beauty regime? Never done that because I dint care about that. Or clothes or a lot if other stuff important to you.
Still have out myself first in other ways you wouldn’t have noticed. Regardless of whether my dcs got more presents than your dd etc….

Well lucky you that you’ve had an easy enough child to be able to do.

😂😂 at parents who didn’t is crap imo. They didn’t make the child like that.

You only know people who spend all their money on their children and never go to coffee shops, have a beauty routine, have a glass of wine and crisps sometimes when they fancy it? Really? Sounds like a weird group of friends you have, given that you’re so very unlike them in all ways.

Just to say this is amazing and inspiring. Screw the OP 😂