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Original poster

Not making it all about your kids

229 replies

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 14:39

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

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Computersaysno123 · 27/12/2022 15:22

@BeautifulWar actually she is probably pissed as this does sound slightly garbled

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 27/12/2022 15:23

In my childhood, it was all about the adults under the pretence of being about the kids. We were sushed, shoved into another room to play while the adults smoked and drank the house into oblivion. Any time any of us kids dared disturb, we were humiliated and shouted at in front of the adults. But we were all together with gifts so it was 'about the kids' in their eyes. Our Christmas is centered around the children because they're the only ones who haven't hurt us and they deserve it. Our December's have been happier since my children were born so I thank them for it.

00100001 · 27/12/2022 15:27

I do find it odd how people do have their child at the absolute centre and go out of their way to accommodate whatever the child wants etc. Like one family I know is constantly ferrying kiddo around to clubs, friends houses, giving them cash to go out with the same friends, only doing weekend things for kids, and going without themselves.

However, there's also people I know who out themselves at the centre, doing exactly as they please. I mean going out at 10pm when kids are asleep to go out for a bottle of whatever, or hauling kids into the car and leaving them in there for 2 hours whilst they see their friends in their house. Or dragging them round town whilst they do clothes shopping for 6+ hours.

There's definitely a happy middle ground!

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Nishky32 · 27/12/2022 15:29

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:09

Stuff like this. Forced suffering upon yourself, lack of sleep, no boundaries and feeling awful.

The child needs to learn.

I know someone who still spoon feeds and dresses her 6 year old. His teacher says it’s him being controlling of her and wanting to be the centre of her universe, like he’s used to.

Show quote history

But both of those are extreme examples and quite unusual.

if you have to ‘trade’ a coffee shop with an afternoon at the farm you are pandering to her aren’t you?

00100001 · 27/12/2022 15:29

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:09

Stuff like this. Forced suffering upon yourself, lack of sleep, no boundaries and feeling awful.

The child needs to learn.

I know someone who still spoon feeds and dresses her 6 year old. His teacher says it’s him being controlling of her and wanting to be the centre of her universe, like he’s used to.

Show quote history

But how does her spoon feeding her 6yo affect your life??

Nishky32 · 27/12/2022 15:30

BeautifulWar · 27/12/2022 15:19

I feel like fewer mothers today live like I do and it’s something people are embarrassed to admit.

Oh yeah, no-one I knows ever treats themselves to anything like socks or has a skincare routine 😒 I spend my days wearing saggy leggings and a faded hoodie because I'm a mother and would be embarrassed to wear anything nice or indulge in any self care.

What are you on, OP?

😂

bibbif · 27/12/2022 15:30

There's definitely a happy middle ground!

this

bibbif · 27/12/2022 15:32

There are definitely parents who fit the Op stereotype, likewise there are parents who centre themselves far too much.

FoxCorner · 27/12/2022 15:32

Bring your kids up how you want and let others do the same. Your way isn't superior

Jellybott · 27/12/2022 15:35

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:01

On a related note, my daughter received what she required for Christmas 😂

She really loves the 5-7 thoughtful gifts we gave her, and they were a nice addition to what she already has. I think that experiences are more significant, so this month we went on enjoyable festive outings that included everyone.

She won't go without, I assure you—I've reserved Disney on Ice for her birthday 😆 and she will get a nice new outfit from me.. meal out probably and then some presents from her grandparents.

I decide what she needs, she isn't the centre of attention and focus which I think is really important to raise balanced and considerate children.

I treated myself to some lovely cashmere socks, a fresh scent for Christmas and always dedicate time to my daily beauty routines which she sees 😆🙃😉 she enjoys watching.

Just another example of showing how I AM STILL A HUMAN not just a mummy.

I feel like fewer mothers today live like I do and it’s something people are embarrassed to admit.

Not sure from this what you're doing differently from anyone else - you also planned a few days out around your child, but then went on to buy yourself some socks and perfume? Hardly groundbreaking stuff.

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2022 15:36

There's definitely a happy middle ground!
This!
It's really not unusual for a mother to consider her children when planning their budget and lifestyle, whilst also enjoying things themselves. It's weird anyone thinks it's that unusual.

ShesFlirtyTurnedThirty · 27/12/2022 15:36

Just get on with it then. I think if things were so great, you wouldn’t be posting.

BeautifulWar · 27/12/2022 15:37

@Computersaysno123 slurping on a vintage Rothschild, no doubt, while the rest of us could never deprive our children of the £5 a bottle of Black Tower would cost.

Insane.

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:38

bibbif · 27/12/2022 15:32

There are definitely parents who fit the Op stereotype, likewise there are parents who centre themselves far too much.

This. I do agree here. There’s a balance that I guess is different for us all.

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Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:39

I’m having a glass of wine and these incredible truffle crisps.

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Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:39

I hate it when people say this. Just venting after all the festivities.

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UsingChangeofName · 27/12/2022 15:41

I agree with most, and in particular both of @LolaSmiles 's posts on P1.

You really aren't some sort of unique beacon of light in a world of downtrodden mothers you know OP.

123woop · 27/12/2022 15:45

I agree with you. I know a lot of parents who really resent their kids and spend all their time complaining how they can "never do xyz now they've got kids" when they absolutely can but choose not to. It is mind boggling!!

StarGoddess · 27/12/2022 15:45

Nah that’s okay if you’ve got the money though if they’re struggling financially it might be different for them. I do put my kids needs first though. If I have the money left over I do something nice for myself. I try to put aside time for my little one and myself. 30 minutes to 1 hour play time, 30 minutes TV time for my kids and then I save an hour or two for me to do something fun and talk to an adult whether it be online or at the park. 😁

She whines but I tell her “mommy wants to have fun too!” She has toys she can play with them while I do my thing. I always make sure she is safe. When she was smaller the world revolved around her and it was really hard. She was really sick and high needs. She was vomiting a lot and very under weight so the world had to revolve around her because it was quite literally life and death.

But now that she is nice, chubby, healthy and full of energy I can make time for me! I did feel a little bit guilty for it for a bit but I need a separate identity from just being mommy to be happy. I got a Playstation 5 for christmas and I play to make some time to enjoy it during her naps this year. 😆

Chuckle94 · 27/12/2022 15:45

Fivebyfive2 · 27/12/2022 15:04

Jesus Christ op, I'm sorry but you sound unbelievable full of yourself.

She does, doesn’t she?

very cringe worthy 🙈

ShepherdMoons · 27/12/2022 15:48

We tend to do a bit of both, things that we like and things that dcs like.

To a certain extent things do revolve around them more at this time of year because Christmas is all about the dcs to us. We have planned more activities towards the end of the week for us. I prefer it that way, it works for us.

SecretVictoria · 27/12/2022 15:48

I get you OP, it’s not martyrdom with some, it’s like they’re going for sainthood! An old friend always looked, frankly a mess. It was all “Oh she just screams and cries if I leave her, I can’t even go for a wee!”. A mutual friend who was visiting told her to stop being so bloody ridiculous and that baby would not die if safe in her cot while she took ten minutes to have a shower.

In contrast, one of my other friends is like you. Has a 1yo but does things for herself too and both she and baby are fine.

StarGoddess · 27/12/2022 15:53

userh79 · 27/12/2022 15:02

I think one of the biggest problems with modern parenting is the concept of "my children are my world" I don't think it's a healthy mentality for a child or parent. I was parented in this way and I think I'm quite selfish, dependent in some respects and it has put huge pressure on me due to my mum's reliance on me, not physically, but so much of her life is me and that is a lot of responsibility. If I'm struggling I can't go to her because she stresses that I am struggling.

I've tried to be much more level headed with my kids, I ensure my needs and wants are met and that my DH take time for ourselves, there's a balance between everything being about children or adults; Children's wants don't trump adult needs, nor indeed wants sometimes.

Children should be raised to feel safe, loved and looked after, but not the centre of everything. My children are a huge and important part of my life, but they don't define me, I live a full life which they are a part of, not the centre of.

This. I think this is why I try to make time for myself because my mother said she’s very much felt like she lost her identity on her path of motherhood. She even said at one point she hasn’t heard anyone say her birth name for over a month and it felt strange having someone call her something other than mom. That’s why I don’t make online user names like “-insert child’s name- mom” or label myself as mom in everything. I love being a mom. But I won’t allow myself to forget who I am as an individual. I am both a mother and myself. Yes being a mother has changed me forever, but that doesn’t mean it has to consume me.

Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:54

Oh gosh yes! The whole “I can’t even have a shower unless he’s asleep” 😂😂😂

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Original poster
OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 15:56

You really aren't some sort of unique beacon of light in a world of downtrodden mothers you know OP.

lucky for you to think this, but so many women really are downtrodden these days and it’s sad.

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