Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Not making it all about your kids

229 replies

OcadoHummus · 27/12/2022 14:39

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 14:01

I buy myself socks and chocolate… every mother I know has socks and eats chocolate sometimes, except my friend who is dairy intolerant. Regular normal behaviour, doesn’t make you some special parenting messiah. Do you think you’re the only mum who ever buys socks or goes for a latte and everyone else is busy whipping themselves at soft play while their kids piss on them and kick them in the face?

ChihuahuaFace · 28/12/2022 14:13

I think I get what the OP is trying to say here. Women frequently put everyone else's needs before their own essentially.

Their goals and wants are no longer significant.

They work extremely hard in and out of the home and are required to maintain everything even though their family does not appreciate all that they do.

In essence, they aren't getting the time they deserve or want for themselves.

DarkKarmaIlama · 28/12/2022 14:35

Incredible how you can’t imagine the one coat scenario. I’ve never been in that situation and unlikely to ever be in it touchwood however it goes without saying my child would get the coat before myself. That’s called parenting, you like to think that’s “sad”.

I have my own sense of self and my children certainly know that they matter and they have an important role in our family. Your poor kids, you sound terribly, terribly unbalanced.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
LolaSmiles · 28/12/2022 14:51

ChihuahuaFace
That's true in some circumstances, but I wouldn't consider buying myself fancy clothing when I buy my children clothes, or having a glass of wine, or celebrating using some face products as proof that I'm living my best life and are more than just a mummy.

The OP is very focused on being perceived a certain way, usually by drawing a contrast between them (the cool mummy who buys nice socks and is proud of engaging in a weird game of one-upmanship where whatever she does for DC, she also has to have something), and all the other mummies (who mustn't have anything nice, don't have nice chocolate, are spoon feeding their 6 year olds and have nothing else going for them).

It screams insecurity.

The fact the OP can't say that they would prioritise their child in a situation where they could only afford one coat says a huge amount about her in my opinion.

ChihuahuaFace · 28/12/2022 14:57

The fact the OP can't say that they would prioritise their child in a situation where they could only afford one coat says a huge amount about her in my opinion.

Forcing someone to dream up some silly scenario that will likely never happen is pointless. Wasting time discussing it would be futile.

The answer is clear, unless you are brutally cruel.

DozyFox · 28/12/2022 15:10

OcadoHummus · 28/12/2022 13:47

@whiteroseredrose i don’t know how many times I have to say it, my “little moments” of things I enjoy are things specific to me that make me feel that little bit special and it is my me time.

I feel every woman needs their thing whatever that may be.

I do however feel the lacking in self-care, and looking after one’s image can’t be very good for your self esteem or confidence.

Without sounding like a total twat, I have always been a good looking person. I'm sure that will fade in due course, but it's been true for me so far.

Being considered attractive and indeed doing things that make me look nice does exactly zero for my mental well being and happiness. In fact, it kind of depresses me. Spending my time and money on my children gives me so much more joy. So yes, I absolutely prioritise spending on my children over spending on my appearance. That doesn't mean I'm being a martyr, that doesn't mean I'm better or worse than anyone else. People just have different priorities, and you shouldn't assume your priorities apply to everyone else.

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 28/12/2022 15:37

They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

This, imo, is why so many kids and teens nowadays have such bad mental health.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 28/12/2022 16:11

ChihuahuaFace · 28/12/2022 14:57

The fact the OP can't say that they would prioritise their child in a situation where they could only afford one coat says a huge amount about her in my opinion.

Forcing someone to dream up some silly scenario that will likely never happen is pointless. Wasting time discussing it would be futile.

The answer is clear, unless you are brutally cruel.

And yet OP can't answer.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2022 16:14

Forcing someone to dream up some silly scenario that will likely never happen is pointless. Wasting time discussing it would be futile.

The answer is clear, unless you are brutally cruel.
You'd think it would be obvious, but then most parents wouldn't have a 9 page thread where they gloat about how important all their me me me stuff is, and how they have to have nice things when they buy their children's clothes because not to would be to be just another mummy.

Most mothers wouldn't be on their high horse acting like what's wrong with other mother's is that other mother actually bother to consider their children in their lifestyle and budget, whilst claiming other mothers are too embarrassed to admit they buy themselves a nice pair of socks.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 28/12/2022 16:15

OcadoHummus · 28/12/2022 13:47

@whiteroseredrose i don’t know how many times I have to say it, my “little moments” of things I enjoy are things specific to me that make me feel that little bit special and it is my me time.

I feel every woman needs their thing whatever that may be.

I do however feel the lacking in self-care, and looking after one’s image can’t be very good for your self esteem or confidence.

The more you answer the more I wonder if your friends are really that sad and "neglecting" themselves or you just dismiss their interests ,what they enjoy and what they do for themselves because they're not traditionally feminine treats... like appearance related.

00100001 · 28/12/2022 16:17

ChihuahuaFace · 28/12/2022 14:57

The fact the OP can't say that they would prioritise their child in a situation where they could only afford one coat says a huge amount about her in my opinion.

Forcing someone to dream up some silly scenario that will likely never happen is pointless. Wasting time discussing it would be futile.

The answer is clear, unless you are brutally cruel.

Well, makes it even more bizarre that OP can't answer the question....

ChihuahuaFace · 28/12/2022 16:19

This, imo, is why so many kids and teens nowadays have such bad mental health.

I bet it's a right old shock to the system that you aren't actually exceptional and should get special treatment like your parents gave you 😂

That is why instilling this early is so important.

Learn to lose, be challenged and think of others before yourself.

Many young people have joined my workplace and just can't accept you have to get your head down and take it all in. They want to be right at the top calling the shots whilst posting it all on TikTok and popping out for a matcha latte whenever they want from day 2 😂- because they're perfect and can do no wrong of course.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2022 20:01

Gosh op I've just seen you're an MD. So presumably someone intelligent, well respected, with a busy life outside of your child and yet you go on about having to eek out an identify outside of Mummy by going to coffee shops and using face scrub as though you've been a SAMH for a decade to 12 kids.

candycane10 · 28/12/2022 20:10

Whereas others go without to appease their kids… it’s just not for me!!!

I don't go without to appease my Dd. I do however go without to make sure she has what she needs and to be able to treat her as that is what makes me happy

If my budget was limited and I had to decide between buying myself "cashmere socks and a new scent" and "posh chocolates and wine" and stuff my Dd needed (or to some extent wanted without spoiling her), it would not even be a debate in my head. Seeing her happy would make me 100 times happier than a pair of cashmere socks ever would

However if I had bought her everything she needed and within reason wanted and was fortunate to have money left over, I'd happily spend some on myself

nancydroo · 28/12/2022 20:14

YABU and showing narcissistic traits. Or have no shame, as you say.

whiteroseredrose · 28/12/2022 20:22

I have reread your original post OP. I think that for me, when I had my DC, I found that they were FAR more important to me than I am myself.

I would give my kidneys, heart or anything to save them even if it meant dying myself. And DH feels the same. Maybe you don't.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2022 20:54

If my budget was limited and I had to decide between buying myself "cashmere socks and a new scent" and "posh chocolates and wine" and stuff my Dd needed (or to some extent wanted without spoiling her), it would not even be a debate in my head. Seeing her happy would make me 100 times happier than a pair of cashmere socks ever would
Agreed, and opting to have those priorities doesn't in any way make us some awful downtrodden mama who doesn't value herself and is teaching her children they're the centre of the universe.

I don't require cashmere socks, perfume, wine and chocolates to feel confident in myself and my identity as a woman. A sense of self that stems from buying the right things to prove you're not like the other mummies isn't a secure sense of identity.

Making sure my children notice just how much I buy for ME and how buying the right things for ME is central to my sense of worth wouldn't be raising them with the values DH and I subscribe to.

candycane10 · 28/12/2022 21:02

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2022 20:01

Gosh op I've just seen you're an MD. So presumably someone intelligent, well respected, with a busy life outside of your child and yet you go on about having to eek out an identify outside of Mummy by going to coffee shops and using face scrub as though you've been a SAMH for a decade to 12 kids.

I'm pretty sure I read that a high % of MD's have narcissistic and/or psychopathic tendencies.

It's something to do with the fact that people in these positions got to where they are as a result of being ruthless & self-centred, prioritising their own goals at any expense and lacking empathy etc

Obviously this isn't true of all MDs but it was a Jon ronson book with a lot of science and psychology behind it. They don't get to where they got to for no reason......

DarkKarmaIlama · 28/12/2022 22:26

@candycane10

She places huge emphasis on her image too. Raving narcissist. Bet she’s awful to work for, being as she is so exceptional and all the other minions who work for her don’t drink enough wine 🤦‍♀️.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2022 00:31

This all really sounds like an I'll advised thread trying to subtly promote an MlM. All a bit #bossbabe

zoemelb · 29/12/2022 00:53

Wtf is cashmere socks? Why anyone would ever consider “cashmere socks” priority is beyond me? 😂😂😂

zoemelb · 29/12/2022 00:54

Maybe @OcadoHummus is a managing director for a “cashmere socks” company? 🤔🤔🤔

Franticbutterfly · 29/12/2022 12:50

My daughter asked me why my Husband and I are going on a weekend away to Rome in Spring and why they (the DC) were not coming. I told her that it's important that DH and I do things alone together so that we can stay a strong unit, and that, ultimately, that benefits the DC. She was happy with this.

Times are hard(er) atm and I'm prioritising my relationship with DH.

HettyMeg · 29/12/2022 19:05

Wow, the woman-on-woman bashing here is quite remarkable. You can agree to disagree, absolutely no need for accusing the OP of being a sociopath, as one of the comments above suggests, purely because she has a high-level job. I've seen it all now...

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2022 20:37

This all really sounds like an I'll advised thread trying to subtly promote an MlM.All a bit #bossbabe
Now you've said it, I see what you mean.

The boss babes I know talk about being small business owners or CEO of their business and like to post about all their treats for them, finding themselves again, not just mummy.