Not making it all about your kids

[OcadoHummus]

After observing friends' and family's parenting over the holidays, I keep noticing the same thing. They put their children at the centre of everything.

They plan their days out, their budget, and their lifestyle around the child.

Because of it, they don't even have their own interests or pleasures.

I buy myself nice things, nice clothes and treat myself.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy, and I'm the only one who can say with assurance, "I'm someone too, and I equally matter."

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spend the same amount on what makes me happy too .

I don't actually believe that overindulging a child and telling them everything you do and work hard for is for them.

It only produces spoiled brats.

Or do I have no shame? 😂

That might be untreated postpartum depression or something honestly. I had postpartum OCD and now that I’m better I know it’s ridiculous and even then I knew that it was ridiculous but I had the most horrible unreasonable fear that of my baby cried for too long she would die. It was a very very real fear for me. Once I was medicated I would put her in the car seat and take a shower with her right next to me or have husband hold her. She was very mommy mommy mommy and she didn’t want to be held by anyone but me for a few months. It was very stressful even when I was on medication but we got through it.

Surely a lot of this must depend on priorities. I'm certain I look "a mess" to anyone who saw fit to make a judgement. I'm not spending any time or money on make-up whatsoever. On the other hand, if I wasn't very thoughtful, I may well pity those whose only interests are make-up, wine, perfume socks and chocolate because it sounds really tedious to me. Just like I'd imagine they might find hobbies like electronic tinkering, embroidery or welding cargo bicycle frames boring and not appreciate the time or money that goes into them.

If there is anyone out there whose time really is entirely spent in soft play centres and watching Hey Dugee, I haven't met them.

All of their available funds will be openly spent on the clothing and toys for their children.

OMG not openly!! 😱

Honestly, what are us 'Muma's' like...

I don't think it's entirely kind to laugh at people who can't cope with some things.
Everyone has different needs, priorities and children.

I know my cousin can't take her eyes off her kid most of the time as they will climb up something. So if she had a shower while kiddo is around, even if she locked him in the bathroom with her, he'd be climbing on the sink etc

Oh gosh yes! The whole “I can’t even have a shower unless he’s asleep”

But aren't those people the exception, rather than the rule? Everyone I know showered. I put my DD in her moses basket on the floor of the bathroom from when she was newborn. I don't think that's a particularly ground breaking thing.

And all that that 'my world' stuff is just twee SM bullshit, it's not literal?

So you make sure your daughter sees your beauty routines, so she knows that's what makes her mother her own person. What an incredible role model you are - how aspirational.

And as far as the rest of it goes, you are absolutely winning at parenting and life. Your daughter 'has learned' and knows her place. I wish we frumpy child-centred mama's [sic] could be more like you. Stupid of us to imagine that, seeing as we chose to bring our children into the world, it's up to us to adjust our lives and perhaps retire some of our wants into the background for the few years they need to build a foundational sense of mattering, of having a place in the world - without which, dare I say it, they are likely to grow up as self-absorbed horrors trying to recapture those lost foundations by babbling on about self-care.

I'm with you all the way, OP. I like going to nice grown-up restaurants and other me-time things. Even though it's boring for my DC, I drag them there because it's a waste of money to pay for a babysitter. When I'm there, I can't be bothered to pander to them with colouring and silly games and the like (because it's adult time, you know). Luckily, they're quite good at making up their own entertainment when we're out, like playing the floor is lava or competing to see how many waiters they can trip over. If anyone complains about them, I just pretend that they're not mine and make sympathetic comments about how indulged children are these days.

This! 👏 👏

Oh no hear we go. “women who do things they enjoy are oppressing themselves. How dare you make decisions that I wouldn’t personally enjoy!”

let’s make a list of things women oppress themselves with that make them happy.

Push up bras
Plastic surgery
pony tails
Make up
make up
revealing shirts
skirts
dresses
heals
perfume
lingerie
the colour pink
anything remotely feminine
anything that makes you look or feel like a woman

I had my kids to enjoy them. You get 10/ 15 years or so before they don’t want to spend as much time with you. I had hobbies and nice holidays etc before them. I will have them again. But right now I am happy to focus on the phase of life that I am in. Holidays are about them, hobbies are about their hobbies. I do have nights out with mates and the odd evening off as a couple with a babysitter. Me and DH are able to go out for lunch together most weeks so that’s are was of getting quality time. That will do for now. I spend loads on myself as I can afford to but can understand why some would put their kids first if it’s a choice between one and the other.

here and heels* phone auto corrected.

I’m left wondering what your unmet need is that means you need to create a thread putting others down because they prioritise different things to you or at least because you think they do.

The person I was referring to was like this from when her DC were newborn, so unable to climb or get into any mischief. Her H would always sit with them/take them out if she wanted a shower/sleep/whatever but it was almost like she was determined to suffer. A neighbour was round once and my friend was desperate for the loo but was all “I can’t go, she’ll go mad”. Neighbour (who I also knew) took baby from her and told her in no uncertain terms to go to the loo.

Far too try hard isn't it?

Sadly I suspect the OP hasn't managed to so much as drag a brush through her hair all week, but maybe the inlaws have popped round to pick up her kid for a few well deserved hours.

Indeed. Get you with your unique cashmere socks and skincare. You're so right, no-one else has thought of them.

I kind of get what you're saying in principle but how many 5 and 8 year olds want to spend their days in the pub, spa or wandering around John Lewis? By virtue of the fact I have kids I need to factor them into how I plan my day. And yes often that has to revolve around them. They're not spoiled and I also buy myself nice things.

The pendulum swung to be child centric at the end of the 80's / early 90's. Needs to find some proper balance still.

This just looks like a boast that you've got the money to splash on Disney on ice, meals, outfits, festive outings and presents for your kids as well as cashmere, perfume and beauty items for yourself. Not sure how that makes you superior to other mums, unless you mean because you've got more money to splash.

Yeah my dad fucked off working abroad for most of my childhood in the late 80s, early 90s. Kind of glad my DH would never consider that and he would rather spend time with his kids that go down the pub every night.

Don't have them, then you don't have to factor their needs in. Simple.

I enjoy spending time with my kids (on the whole). They're teenagers so I know there's not unlimited time left at home with them. Our weekends are often spent ferrying the kids around to sports events but watching their matches is a highlight of my weekend as I see my friends there.

But I exist beyond being a mum and if I'm out with my friends, particularly ones without children, it's rare I'd talk about my kids.

We give the kids presents but often not each other. Not because we can't justify it but because there's nothing we really need or want and we don't want any more clutter in the house. We encourage the kids to do jobs for their grandparents and help around the house. I wouldn't want my kids to sit around doing nothing while others do all their work. So I hope I'm not raising self-centred brats.

Being honest, your post comes across as a little judgmental in places. We're all doing our best and most parents end up putting their kids first to a large extent, as that's part and parcel of choosing to have them.

You do seem very judgemental to be honest. Everyone brings their kids up the best way they see fit. You do you and let others do what they like. I personally think a balance is best. Treat the kids and yourself when you can but I don't believe everything should be focused on the kids either it gives them an attitude of being very important which isn't nice in a child but that's just me !!

”Nobody is happy if mama’s aren't happy”

What makes you think “mamas” who centre their child or children aren’t happy?

I found this post must be posted by someone not yet having any kids. Or at the planning stage? It's massively unrealistic to think your life and your way of spending wont change whatsoever, unless you live in luxury and have tons of money/time to spare?

For me it's not intentional, it's just that I love seeing my child happy, that makes me happy. He is my focus and centre and if that's how I want to live my life I will. I treat myself now and again but I prefer to treat him