When are we going to stop normalising jet-setting fathers leaving mothers and young babies at home?

[Chickenchopstix]

Or even celebrating it?
Unfortunately, this is the case in the circles I'm surrounded by. A baby comes along, Dad's life continues whilst new mothers are stuck at home exhausted with young babies and a lack of support, or they're having to ask other family members to step in and do Dad's role so they can continue with luxurious social lives.

It happened to me with my children when they were babies and I fell out of love with their father and left him when I felt strong enough. But I've never forgotten how he made me feel. There was a year or so of breastfeeding and teething and sleepless nights, of them just needing their parents and then we could pick up our lives a little. But my DH couldn't do it. He fought for his freedom, for his lads holidays and golfing trips and just said "just because you can't leave them, doesn't mean I can't." I really needed his support and he abandoned me for a social life that he couldn't put on the shelf for a very short time during those crazy, sleep deprived baby years. I never felt the same about him again.

This weekend, two male friends have gone away for a few days- both have young babies at home and the responses on social media are celebratory of their latest escapade. I just find it ridiculous. A breastfeeding mum can't do this and it shouldn't be normalised that Dad's can and leave their wives at home instead of being a team and doing their share.

The baby years don't last forever.

The comments on the post annoy me- all so celebratory and yet if a mother of a young baby took these abroad trips so often, it would be frowned upon. Although let's face it, how do breastfeeding mums even get the opportunity?

or we could normalise mums also getting the opportunity to do the same while dad remains in charge.

And breastfeeding with his man boobs @helpfulperson 🤔🙄

Do you also realise that many mothers have very little money for abroad trips whilst on maternity leave because their husbands don't share their earnings with them? I know of atleast two friends this has happened to.

I think you're projecting your experience on to others. There are many families where one or both parents travel and it works perfectly well for them.

I agree! Thank god for my parents when I had my children

Absolutely agree. In my personal experience it has been like this for me, and also all of my friends.
I think that this is common, but Mumsnet crowd might not relate as much.

Yeah my ex did this to me. And now is doing it to his new wife. Leaving her with the baby and my kids just not knowing which weekends they will actually see their dad. He sends my son what's app photos of his adventures now and seems to think my son will be impressed. Proper man-child.

@Chickenchopstix are you still with him or is he now an ex?

Sorry to burst your bubble but this isn’t normal. In fact I know of no woman who has experienced this.

You are right, of course. But I'm always surprised at how many people don't discuss their expectations of parenthood before getting married or having children. Choose a partner who has the same life values as you and you don't end up with this problem.

I think this is why many women’s choice not to breastfeed deserves support and acknowledgement rather than the MN breastfeeding bores wanging on about it. Many women want to be able to share the load with their partners and have some freedom for themselves rather than be tied for months on end unable to leave their baby for more than a couple of hours.

I also suspect (and whilst my evidence is many anecdata) that where couples end up with this kind of parenting dynamic, the man was generally unfussed about having a baby in the first place and mainly went along with it for his partner’s benefit, thus seeing the baby as primarily her responsibility because she was the one who wanted it.

Oh I never said this was "normal" @drpet49 but it's happening.

How many women have you asked this specific question to exactly?

I can see where it's leading @bruisinghelp 🤦‍♀️

Eh I don't agree with this at all. My DH has continued going on the odd lads weekend every few months and a night down the pub once or twice a month and it hasn't been a big deal at all. I chose to breastfeed and that means I can't go away for the weekend, but I don't see why he should miss out just because I am! When I'm not breastfeeding it'll be my turn to go away for the weekend now and then.

As does the decision to breastfeed @ComtesseDeSpair ! It works both ways! Many men are happy for their wives to breastfeed to save them money, but don't want to contribute equally to the surrounding pressures of breastfeeding.

I do hope you're not implying that I'm one of those wangering "bores... " particularly as someone who OPTED NOT to breastfeed one child through sheer lack of support.

Because you're supposed to be a team @MolliciousIntent ?

I'm not talking about a couple of hours in the pub twice a month... this is lengthy abroad holidays.

Totally different ball game.

Do you take ANY responsibility for your experience?
For a start
Why did you not have equal access to money?
If you wanted to go on holidays why didn’t you make sure you had a plan on how to do that?
If you wanted a different experience why did you settle for this?

dh worked away for large parts of my children’s early years. My experience was nothing like you describe. You weren’t working as a team.

I wouldn't judge other people's parenting choices.

I'd assume these poor mums you speak of discussed how they would co-parent the dc and reached an agreement before they got pregnant and the DHs are acting in accordance with the agreement.

I know plenty of people who live like this, it's definitely not for me but who am I to tell them how to live their lives?

And we are a team! A really good team. But we're not joined at the hip, we have separate social lives and we're both well aware of the value of time to ourselves. We're also both capable of taking care of our kids by ourselves for a few days every now and then.

I DID have equal money @Itisbetter. I was clearly referring to the experience of two of my friends... not myself.

Read properly before commenting

Really? I know loads.

... that's financial abuse, just so you know.

Yes it is, I know, and it's very common sadly.

My children are 3 and 1 year old twins. I buggered off for a weekend to berlin with the girls a few months ago..... you can do this too if you like

I’ve just left my 5 month old for a city break for 2 nights with a friend. Baby (bottle fed) left with dad , no issues. Great opportunity for baby to bond with dad .