When are we going to stop normalising jet-setting fathers leaving mothers and young babies at home?

[Chickenchopstix]

Or even celebrating it?
Unfortunately, this is the case in the circles I'm surrounded by. A baby comes along, Dad's life continues whilst new mothers are stuck at home exhausted with young babies and a lack of support, or they're having to ask other family members to step in and do Dad's role so they can continue with luxurious social lives.

It happened to me with my children when they were babies and I fell out of love with their father and left him when I felt strong enough. But I've never forgotten how he made me feel. There was a year or so of breastfeeding and teething and sleepless nights, of them just needing their parents and then we could pick up our lives a little. But my DH couldn't do it. He fought for his freedom, for his lads holidays and golfing trips and just said "just because you can't leave them, doesn't mean I can't." I really needed his support and he abandoned me for a social life that he couldn't put on the shelf for a very short time during those crazy, sleep deprived baby years. I never felt the same about him again.

This weekend, two male friends have gone away for a few days- both have young babies at home and the responses on social media are celebratory of their latest escapade. I just find it ridiculous. A breastfeeding mum can't do this and it shouldn't be normalised that Dad's can and leave their wives at home instead of being a team and doing their share.

The baby years don't last forever.

The comments on the post annoy me- all so celebratory and yet if a mother of a young baby took these abroad trips so often, it would be frowned upon. Although let's face it, how do breastfeeding mums even get the opportunity?

So did I, Lampzade.

it didn’t stop him refusing to uphold what he agreed to.

it didn’t stop him staying out socialising, or insisting he had to go on corporate trips which were very much more social than work.

it didn’t stop him being an absolute arsehole over looking after his own children.

it really isn’t that simple.

some people weren’t cut out to be parents. I wish he had realised this before we had children. He is incapable of putting anybody else’s needs ahead of his own.

This has happened to several women I know.

I went away for a week on a girls drinking trip long haul when my DS was 8 months old.

This utter shit I got from other women about leaving my child was frankly disgusting
.
I needed a break, I was struggling with PND no I wasn't taking my DS and yes my DH was perfectly bloody capable of looking after his son.

Look at the treads on here when women say they are leaving their Babies for a weekend, it's like a pile in shit show of judgement.

And yet here we are saying "how come men can carry on"

Well because they aren't judged by women in the way women are when they get back to hobbies, work or go on trips

The issue isn't men, it's women judging women.

I did discuss it with him before
I was the higher earner

He didn’t do what we agreed

we are divorced

There are usually red flags/signs that a man is not going to do his share of parenting, but some women ignore them.
My cousin had concerns about her fiancé’s
attitude to parenting. He showed signs of being a selfish sexist twat and she was worried that all the child rearing would be left to her.
She married him and they have three children .He is obsessed with golf and barely spends
time with her and the kids. She complains constantly. I have got to admit, I have very little sympathy for her. She knew what he was like and still married him.

Yep. You could be describing my ex.

@somuchtolearnabout if I'm projecting my own insecurities, why am I not alone in this thread?

Are you saying that I'm lying that my friends husbands don't share their salaries?

Is it beyond you that other couples don't share the same experience as you?

I think it’s all good and well saying discuss it before you have kids but really no one knows how much their life will change until the baby actually comes! My parenting before I was a parent was going to be perfect 🤣
Yes so many men are like this (obvs not all - especially those on this thread who have perfect husbands 😉), I think often they are high earners, super successful at work use to getting and doing what they want. Don’t like hearing no/not used to it etc etc plus they feel that paying for the woman kind of is their half the deal 🤷‍♀️
oh and generally men are just inherently a bit selfish I think. Something to do with the hunter gatherer throw back

Same here.
It's apparently beyond the comprehension of some women to imagine this scenario

Never heard of men doing this! With the exception of stag dos, I feel like there would be clear signs he was a selfish person.

Maybe this is just because I don't know any "jet setting" men.

Lots of people like to think it couldn’t happen to them, and so need to find a way to feel superior.

honestly, I am a strong, forthright, independent woman. I ended up stuck. My exH genuinely thought I was trapped, and even said as much to me in a therapy session. He said (when I was stating how alone I felt when he didn’t come home, when he didn’t step up to look after the children, when he hadn’t supported me as he had said he would) that it wouldn’t be any better for me if I left him, so I was better off staying as at least he was there occasionally. The contempt was palpable.

he really wasn’t like that when we met/married/before we had children.

a pp was right - I think it’s about hearing ‘no’. It was all fine when it was a theoretical child he would be looking after, and it was all fine when he didn’t have to stop anything he wanted to do to help me out. As soon as he did, he changed. Went from forgetting accidentally on purpose, to it not being the right time to take a step back in his career, to flat out refusal. And so I divorced him.

but there were no indications before we had children.

Another thread that makes me so glad I was on my own from day one.

There really are a lot of advantages in being a full line parent.

Yep @Duplocrocs my SILs boyfriend is like this and his parents have resulted in supporting her with the baby because he's always off doing his own thing.

It's a problem that so many grandparents are picking up the slack of lazy men.

I can actually understand that @felulageller . I've been on my own for the last year and it is practically harder but I know where I stand with everything. However, I know I would have struggled on my own when they were babies- I have no family support at all so it would have been difficult I think.

No indications for me either @ElfDragon mine told me in a therapy session that he enjoyed having one DC, but that after two, it all felt too monotonous. That's when he couldn't be arsed to parent anymore. Mine told me he stayed with me "out of pity" after DC2. Total shock. I chose him because he wasn't like other guys- a total gentleman prior to DCs

I saw it a lot out of antenatal class of 9 -4 of the husbands joked that they wanted their partner to bf so they didn't have to get up in the night.

One guy had been married to his wife for 10 years and he bragged how he was desperate for a baby and his wife dragged her heels. He was the worst - many group night chats were she would be sobbing from the sheer lack of support, asking if anyone else's partner had a personality transplant.

My (now exDH) was fairly good by comparison- but we had lost our first child so had desperately wanted the pregnancy but certainly not hands on but I was grateful by comparison

Mind you these weren't group of young parents to be, all women were in high flying jobs equal to dad.

The best dad happened to be my dear friends husband who asked if all white men were like this because he and her couldn't understand the mentality. He was like but they clearly wanted the family, post it all over social media but actually acted like their new families were to be avoided and baby stuff is womens work. I just explained I don't think it's a culture thing more just some people are arses and in the uk at least men are praised for doing the bare minimum re parenting and women critiqued for doing it all and struggling.

I'm now remarried and have recently had a baby with my DH (long story but short version my ex is a arse) and my god. I had fallen into the trap of praising the bare min with my ex. My partner literally does all the night feeds. Is Brillant.

Op I don't think your projecting I just wonder if either by relative experience or just the standard is so low for people the comparison of other crappy dads their partner looks good by proxy

Some people are arses and no parent I know, was ready for how your life really does change when the first bundle of joy comes.

Also agree with Pp - men don't need to keep us in place with misogyny, they have a whole team of women to do it for them too.

I'm not talking about a couple of hours in the pub twice a month... this is lengthy abroad holidays.

We haven’t had a family holiday for two years, never mind me or my DH swanning off somewhere on our own. I don’t know why you are talking about this being ‘normalised’, there’s nothing ‘normal’ about your social circle, you just be very privileged.

You can actually be away from your dc, even if you bf. I bf and went away for long weekends, went back to work etc, while continuing to bf.

It is a lot easier when they are 6+ months alright!

That's a lot of disposable income you have @Grumpybutfunny

You do realise that some men actually prioritise their lads trip over the family one when there isn't money to do both?

My friend's husband refuses to take his kids on holiday because its "too much work" so he sticks with just his bloke's holiday each year!

Some families don't have the luxury of having independent holidays in addition to family ones, particularly in the current climate. But men still do it.

@Testng123 this only works if you can express and they'll take a bottle. Not that easy in reality.

I do know a couple of men who do what they like when they like and ‘can’t cope’ looking after their children alone. They are likeable on a personal level but as a partner I would never have accepted the treatment my friends and relatives have from them BEFORE they had children. They were selfish before becoming fathers and remains so. I personally have never heard of any man having the personality changes described by the OP and others post children and I do wonder if like many of us do women wanting to get married and have children minimise and ignore their partner’s flaws to achieve their goals. People v rarely change overnight. As for he said he would do it all, it’s always words not actions. However I think it’s also increasingly common for some strata of society for men particularly to have no day to day contact with young children before they have their own.
The breastfeeding point is a bit ridiculous - if you don’t want to be tied to your baby day and night don’t breastfeed. Too many women continue to make themselves martyrs to their families when there are alternatives

Thanks for sharing @hourbyhour101 oit of curiosity, what cultural background does your friend's husband have?

You just can't predict how men will be. When a colleague and I had our babies, she commented that my ex husband was "more of a man" and she felt that hers still had growing up to do so she prepared for solo parenting early on. We both thought that my husband would be the more hands on one. He was with DC1, but he went awol when DC2 came along. Her husband grew up more and more and has been hands on with both her kids. A big shock for us both.

Every time I see a father of an infant traveling for something non-essential my opinion of him drops precipitously.

the same thing happens when the father of a newborn heads out to play golf or watch football. Those things can wait at least until after the 4th trimester.

@Coffeaddict why wolf you need

Ffs.

It's not that breastfeeding women Don't want to be tied to their baby! They just want support in being so! Seeing it as black and white- do it and love it with no support/ don't do it is ridiculous