When are we going to stop normalising jet-setting fathers leaving mothers and young babies at home?

[Chickenchopstix]

Or even celebrating it?
Unfortunately, this is the case in the circles I'm surrounded by. A baby comes along, Dad's life continues whilst new mothers are stuck at home exhausted with young babies and a lack of support, or they're having to ask other family members to step in and do Dad's role so they can continue with luxurious social lives.

It happened to me with my children when they were babies and I fell out of love with their father and left him when I felt strong enough. But I've never forgotten how he made me feel. There was a year or so of breastfeeding and teething and sleepless nights, of them just needing their parents and then we could pick up our lives a little. But my DH couldn't do it. He fought for his freedom, for his lads holidays and golfing trips and just said "just because you can't leave them, doesn't mean I can't." I really needed his support and he abandoned me for a social life that he couldn't put on the shelf for a very short time during those crazy, sleep deprived baby years. I never felt the same about him again.

This weekend, two male friends have gone away for a few days- both have young babies at home and the responses on social media are celebratory of their latest escapade. I just find it ridiculous. A breastfeeding mum can't do this and it shouldn't be normalised that Dad's can and leave their wives at home instead of being a team and doing their share.

The baby years don't last forever.

The comments on the post annoy me- all so celebratory and yet if a mother of a young baby took these abroad trips so often, it would be frowned upon. Although let's face it, how do breastfeeding mums even get the opportunity?

I could be @DiaDeLluvia 🤣

You sound like someone I'd have in my circle!

I would be writing on the posts "Enjoy! When is X getting a weekend away leaving you alone with the kids for a change?"

I call this bullshit out now, zero fucks given. Lost me a few friends along the way but....dont care. It actually gained me a few too, especially in the case of one woman who was the wife in your scenario, I didnt really know her just him, but we connected via FB and we have become really good friends and I was the first to cheer when she left him. And when his lads weekends away were curtailed due to him having the kids EOW and paying huge amounts of CM because he was such a high earner as she had facilitated a meteoric rise in his career!!

He is making out like he is living the playboy life as we are all now nearer to 50 than 40, she is happily remarried and settled and he couldnt pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horses head.

What?!? I didn’t even realise this is a thing. Yea, blokes leaving all the mental load to the wives and being a bit shit around the house but in my circle of friends I’ve never heard of the husbands just ‘jetting off’ for holidays leaving a baby behind. And I’m middle class…if my DH even contemplated this I’d be seriously displeased! Especially as the little money we have spare for holidays would go on ‘family’ holidays. The only exception would maybe be for a stag do, but it would have to be a very good friend, best friend.

…and whilst there is an enormous gender pay gap in the UK, that will usually be the man. So yes, it is overwhelmingly the woman that has to stay home whilst the man goes back to work - but not just work as the OP says, but also the gym, holidays, hobbies, social life…

and whilst it might not be your experience, surely we can see that it is other women’s experience?

OP: I agree.
It is the experience of many women I think. With the father being on board and wanting a baby before the baby was born.
Just have a look at the many many threads here saying dad does fuck all while mum is on her knees with fatigue.

Both I'd say.

I agree with you op, women are blamed and judged and their barriers/restrictions are seen as 'their' problem. As many people have proven with their responses/reactions to this post.

Learn to love combi-feeding or pumping and you too can jet off. I’ve done it leaving my 8 month old in the care of DH and childminder. Had enough breastmilk in the freezer to go abroad for four days holiday with friends.

Just brought a handheld pump to relieve engorgement.

It’s too common. I know loads of friends who’s partners did this. They are the ones divorcing now.

Too many women do not consider all the potential ramifications of having kids, particularly if they've partnered with a feckless man. If you have a baby, as a woman, and chose to breastfeed, then of course that is a sacrifice that only you can make for X amount of time. But that's your choice. All the info is out there.

Your partner does sound like a dick, but what are you gonna do about it 🤷🏻‍♀️ he's unlikely to change, but will you separate.... only you can answer that.

Yep agreed. I didn’t bf. DH went out a few times in the early days and so did I. I went on a hen weekend and even flying alone to get there was absolute bliss. We pool all earnings so I wasn’t poorer than him while I was on mat leave.

DH travels overseas a lot with work and continued to do so when DC arrived/were small babies. I didn’t feel abandoned or put upon.

This isn’t a cool girl post, but you cant just généralise based on your own experience. Individual families work out what works for themselves.

Unfortunately, it is more normal than you think.

What about what’s best for the baby? It’s six months to a year of your life. Is that such a big sacrifice?

As PP said, it’s individual choice. If you choose to BF and won’t express or give any formula bottles at all, then no, you are not going to be able to go out/away much.

I don’t see why the same automatically applies to the DF. What’s he supposed to do when he doesn’t have breasts? Some of this smacks of ‘I can’t do anything, so neither can you’

If that’s how you feel; it’s valid. But there are people who don’t feel like it, and that’s also fine.

@RosettaStormer not everyone is able to breastfeed nor does everyone want to . Secondly, it’s a choice whether you want to breastfeed. It may be “best for baby” but clearly if you are struggling with having any me time or being able to leave baby with dad or other family members that’s an issue.

The OP is complaining that her husband fought for his freedom and lads holidays whilst she was stuck at home. That’s not every woman’s experience, her husband can’t breastfeed so not sure how he can help with the feeds. Sleepless nights/ teething should be shared so not sure why she’s done it all.

"Too many women do not consider all the potential ramifications of having kids"

Victim blaming @MaryBeardsShoes. Yet more learned societal misogyny... you've been trained for it. Placing all the blame on women for not choosing better, not communicating better, not being... better.

When are we going throw the responsibility in the direction of men?

"This isn’t a cool girl post, but you cant just généralise based on your own experience."

@DrMarciaFieldstone have you actually read through the responses? It didn't just happen to me... it's extremely clear to see.

Open your eyes.

@DrMarciaFieldstone have you actually read through the responses? It didn't just happen to me... it's extremely clear to see

I have, yes. It’s happened to some; it hasn’t happened to others. You say it’s lots of your friends, I literally don’t know a single person in this position. You’ve suggested it needs to stop being normalised. What needs to stop being normalised IMO is men who don’t pull their weight with kids and home. But focusing on jet-setting and breastfeeding is odd - surely the men who don’t help, don’t help with anything. And the men who do help, will help the rest of the time, even if they go away for a few days? If people have supportive parents who step in to help if DH is away, and this doesn’t seem to bother them, why does it bother you so?

As I said, this is not everyone’s normalised experience of parenthood.

my husband didn’t do this. He’d always travelled for work which continued to be a necessity but independent socialising pretty much stopped after we got together.

Your ex was just a knob 🤷‍♀️

I also know multiple professional women who had this happen to them, myself included. We were equal earners (I’m now the higher earner, though only by about 10%), so DH just… stopped putting any money in the joint account. For years. Last contributed to the household in 2017. My child, my job to pay for him and to run the household, apparently. He needs his money for hobbies.

This wasn’t predictable prior to having kids, he contributed equally prior to me going on mat leave, but the month I gave birth he stopped his standing order.

Dh and I had separate holidays when dcs were small. He went skiing and Australia....I went to NYC, Europe, and spas.
This was 20 years ago.

Wtf?! I hope that’s an ex because that’s really awful thing to do

@Changechangychange hope he’s an ex now.

@Chickenchopstix rarely have I ever read replies from the OP which are so dripping with disdain for any woman who dares to say anything you disagree with. You still seem to be absolutely raging with your ex and are taking it out on everybody else. It’s not victim blaming to say think before you make decisions. Your approach to me is massively demeaning to women’s intelligence and agency in their own lives. This site is filled with women martyred to their families who have able husbands and partners. If anything is learnt misogyny it is that - that these women still think they have to sacrifice themselves at the altar of their families.

You know you can go away and do whatever you want and leave him at home with the kids? I don’t know anyone who lives as you describe