When are we going to stop normalising jet-setting fathers leaving mothers and young babies at home?

[Chickenchopstix]

Or even celebrating it?
Unfortunately, this is the case in the circles I'm surrounded by. A baby comes along, Dad's life continues whilst new mothers are stuck at home exhausted with young babies and a lack of support, or they're having to ask other family members to step in and do Dad's role so they can continue with luxurious social lives.

It happened to me with my children when they were babies and I fell out of love with their father and left him when I felt strong enough. But I've never forgotten how he made me feel. There was a year or so of breastfeeding and teething and sleepless nights, of them just needing their parents and then we could pick up our lives a little. But my DH couldn't do it. He fought for his freedom, for his lads holidays and golfing trips and just said "just because you can't leave them, doesn't mean I can't." I really needed his support and he abandoned me for a social life that he couldn't put on the shelf for a very short time during those crazy, sleep deprived baby years. I never felt the same about him again.

This weekend, two male friends have gone away for a few days- both have young babies at home and the responses on social media are celebratory of their latest escapade. I just find it ridiculous. A breastfeeding mum can't do this and it shouldn't be normalised that Dad's can and leave their wives at home instead of being a team and doing their share.

The baby years don't last forever.

The comments on the post annoy me- all so celebratory and yet if a mother of a young baby took these abroad trips so often, it would be frowned upon. Although let's face it, how do breastfeeding mums even get the opportunity?

It would be nice to think that a man who had a wife and young children would rather spend his precious leisure time with his family rather than with an eye on the door looking to be on away on lads tours and boozy weekends at every chance.

That's great @Optimist2020

What would be your advice for a breastfeeding mother? Stop breastfeeding?

Yep.

happened to me. I lost all respect for him, and got out when I could.

and for those saying how could it happen? I ask the same. But it did. I guess the short answer is he lied and I believed him. Once the baby was here, there was not much I could do about it if he didn’t come home from work (socialising), and I couldn’t stop him from going away, on corporate jollies.

I never got to do the same in return because he couldn’t cope with the dc. He is an utter man-child, and still does exactly what suits him. His dc don’t see much of him (their choice)

@THisbackwithavengeance I just think it's a complete sad state of affairs if they can't shelve their social lives for a year and support their wives who can be quite literally stuck with the baby particularly if breastfeeding.

This post just proves my point of why it needs to be normalised to support women better post child birth and whilst breastfeeding.

And I've absolutely no issues with bottle feeding before the Feeding Police start harping on... I bottle fed one myself.

As always @ElfDragon it's a "blame the women" mentality. Some women unfortunately are subconscious guardians if misogyny.

We’ve got to normalise having these conversations before pregnancies. If a man says he’s not sure about kids, believe him

discuss the first year, work etc - so much seems to be assumed both ways

I honestly think women have to be prepared to raise babies alone and see a great partner as a great bonus. Hopefully it will all work out but have plans/career/money etc if it doesn’t

Mine lied to @ElfDragon
Or he just couldn't put his words into action. I don't think he really, properly considered what having children might be like pre-kids. He couldn't see further than the end of his own nose as it turned out.

I think hell would freeze over before my husband did this to me. It just wouldn't occur to him to bugger off and have a holiday when he's got responsibilities at home. Plenty of time for that when the kids are older.

What you describe is not my experience either personally or in my social circle.

I don't have a problem with either parent having time away from the baby. If you choose to exclusively breast feed that's your choice. For what it's worth I have pumped enough for me to attend my Christmas party next week so 5 week old baba can stay at home. My choice. With DS I supplemented with formula so I could do things like go fora run ( DS1 was born just before lockdown).

Both me and DP have had nights away.

Financial abuse is not OK but a seperate issue.

I think part of this is to carefully select your future spouse and have these discussions with them before marriage and babies
It’s no guarantee of course but should give a bit of a picture. It goes both ways. A man might want a wife who says she is ok with him going away. Marriage prep courses are underrated but important.

"I honestly think women have to be prepared to raise babies alone and see a great partner as a great bonus"

This perception is awful @Newgirls and it's why these problems exist in the first place. Society needs higher expectations of men.

"Great bonus" if a man supports his wife after they choose to have children together 🤢

I think this 100% sums up my feelings when I read any posts about money on mat leave or Dads lice not changing at all.

@Chickenchopstix i wouldn’t give any advice as each family makes different decisions on how they want to raise their child. I purposely didn’t breastfeed as I’ve seen mums not being able to have a break due to the commitment breastfeeding takes .

You ask “when are we….” But I know literally no families where the fathers did this. It must be something specific to your social circles or area.
I live in a city (not London) where it’s uncommon to commute long distances and both parents usually do a share of nursery runs after the child is old enough. I don’t experience fathers who ignore their young children and I don’t mix in circles where the women are left literally holding the baby.

EXACTLY!
@Kindofcrunchy

I don't understand the urgency and restlessness to escape the responsibility of young children these days. It's hard enough without being left to manage single-handedly.

That's so refreshing @museumum

I did have all those conversations.

we agreed (I thought) what would happen. When it came to it, he backed out. So we agreed I would retrain once dc were school age. But it was suddenly ‘not the right time’ for his career. So I waited. I tried a different tack. Still absolutely no support. Then a flat refusal to help.

It was apparently a surprise to him that I divorced him. I assume the surprise was that I dared to, because there was nothing about his behaviour that was reasonable in the slightest.

if I had suspected even a fraction of how selfish he could be, I would have run a mile, but he kept it well hidden until I was (as he saw it) trapped.

They lie @Elmo230885
Or can't imagine what it will really be like so intend to do one thing and do another.

It was the opposite for me. I was the jet setting one working all over the place while my DH looked after the children. How about stop judging people of any sex.

The largest earner tends to be the one that continues full time in their Career out of necessity

"if I had suspected even a fraction of how selfish he could be, I would have run a mile"
Me too @ElfDragon , me too.

@maddy68 this isn't about the demands of careers, this is about luxurious social lives. There's no need to take offence.

Totally different

You seem to be projecting your shitty experience. That definitely isn't the experience of myself and my friends

100% agree OP. This virtually describes my ex to a tee. It's the reason I only had one child because I could just about do all the work for one child but two would have killed me. Always off on trips, nights out etc.

He had way more money than me on maternity, wouldn't pick up childcare, the usual so you are correct I couldn't have afforded to swan off on hols even if I had had the chance.

Which, yes, was financial abuse but I know quite a few women who have experience this. Which is why he's an ex now.

I am fully aware I should have picked a better partner now with the benefit of experience and hindsight - but my DD is a joy and we are a tight team so there is that 😁

I didn't take offence. ..

I also had weekends and holidays away with my friends

Your experience is not anything I am familiar with. You are projecting

Don't think she is projecting because this is an all too familiar story for me and quite a few other mothers I know.

Whenever I see a proper partnership between parents I love it, my brother for example always has been super supportive of his wife. Wish I'd had that in a partner!