Should we have children?

[FrankPelham]

I am 47, DW is 39. We have been together for 17 years. I have a 28-year old daughter as a result of a teenage "holiday fling", she was born in America and at her mother's request has never been part of my life.

I have never wanted children and neither has DW. Until now... the ticking has started and it is loud. Many of her friends are pregnant or have babies. Sometimes DW gets very down about this situation, understandably. VERY very down.

Why don't I want children?

• Life is full. We both have many and varied interests in sports and the arts. We go out regularly, both together and individually. I don't want that to change.

• When I'm a pensioner, I don't want to be sharing my home with a teenager.

• We come and go as we please. We are both freelance journalists (on very different publications) so hours can be unpredictable and both of us sometimes work late at the office. Also, both of us often go climbing with friends (or camping, etc) for the weekend at very short notice. I don't want that to change.

• I love PEACE at home. During quiet weekends I like nothing better than to sit in our living room with the garden doors open and read the Telegraph in total silence.

• We are financially independent; we have never had a shared account; DW hates depending on other people. If we have a child, she will depend on me financially but will resent having to ask. I don't want to suddenly spend my money on anyone else and will resent being asked.

If I have children it will only be to keep DW, but my nice easy life will be ruined. And how much time will she be able to spend with me anyway? If I don't have children, DW may resent me for the rest of our days, or leave me to have children - which she is seriously considering.

What should I do? Can anybody share experiences of this situation?

I am asking in Mumsnet because after searching the internet for a suitable place to ask, there seems to be a good mixture of people here.

17 years is a long time.
you might surprise youself.
do you like children?

you might make great parents.

i woudl say go for it

Children undeniably change your life out of all recognition.

If you are sure that you don't want children, but your wife does, maybe you will have to go your separate ways

your dw wouldn't have to be financially dependant on you. She could carry on working. Many women don't want to be financially dependent on their husbands.

As for you not wanting to spend money on someone else - you' feelings may well suddenly change if that 'someone else' is your own child.

do you think either of you would be able to compromise on this issue?

To me it sounds like you have decided what you want in life...its whether you can put somebody else's needs and wants above your own.

if you can't make that leap for your dw, how would you feel if she left you?

I remember meeting an elderly woman who never had children, becuase her husband never wanted them. She sounded very resentful.

Maybe your wife wouldn't be resentful - but I know I would.

My cousin got pregnant by a man she had known for a couple of months. She was 41 and he was 45. Both single, never married. He had a good career, lovely house.

He said he didn't want children. She said she would have the baby anyway.

You know what? It's not even three years since baby no 1 was born, baby no 2 was born a year ago and they are getting married this summer - and my cousin's future DH is besotted with his children.

you read the telegraph - i don't think you should have children!

What should you do? You should talk it over with your DW, find out how much it matters to her (quite a lot by the sounds of things) and if your life together is worth the sacrifice you both will make (either not having a child for your happiness, or having one for hers).

Re Money. Make sure she doesn't have to ask and don't be mean.

IME children bring happiness. You just won't be able to help yourself.

Oh, and your 'nice easy life' might just be filled with unconditional love (noise, smells, other peoples kids etc etc too).

I can actually sort-of relate to most of your points.

DH and I were in a similar place 2.5 years ago. He's in his 40s, I'm late 30s. We were childless, having been married for 10 years, had a lovely boat that we often went out on at weekends in the Solent, had 2 2-seater convertibles, and a nice big extravagent house (with a small mortgage). We both had jobs where we worked long hours that we were pretty committed to.

And then out of the blue I found out I was pregnant. It was definitely a shock rather than a lovely surprise, not the least because of how much our life would have to change. And our life did change. Hugely. But very definitely for the better. We sold our boat (but we'll definitely buy another one sometime soon) and got 'proper' cars - etc etc.

We didn't know that we wanted to be parents - but we were wrong. Bizarrely, all of our priorities have changed, along with a lot of the things that we thought were important to us. I was worried that DH would resent me for getting pregnant/having a baby. Instead, he absolutely dotes on DS - to the point, unbelievably, of having given up his job and being a SAHD!

Honestly, you'll feel differently when you have a baby!

Sorry I most strongly disagree with the 1st poster, Yes having children can enrich your life, but also put a lot of strain on it too and if both parents are not 100% commited in wanting a child then no one not even the child will be happy in the long run.

If you are considering having a child to keep your Dw that is the wrong choice in my opinion cos eventually the resentment will show and be transfered on to the child.

My sudjestion would be to sit down and have a long conversation with your Dw about your feelings and concerns as well as her's.
maybe go and visit a friend that has children and get a idea of just what it is like having children around the house, maybe offer to look after the child for an hour or so while they go out for a meal or something so then you get a vague idea what being a parent might be like.

To be honest I don't think any person ever fully comprehends what parenthood is fully like untill you actually have children. and every parent gets scared and worries no matter how many kids they have.
But I think deep down even after the concerns and worries for the future have been thought about, the thought of having that little person in your life makes everything fade to a degree.. and those material things just don't seem that important anymore.

To be blunt this is something you are going to have to determine for yourself.
and if it is something you really think is not for you. then you will have to be honest to your Dw and allow her to choose if she can live with that or not... even if that means that she might leave at least then you are being honest with yourself and to her and are not going to drag a innocent child in the midst of it all.

"Life is full."
IME, life is even fuller with children in it. Somehow, we get more done than we ever did before we had children.

"When I'm a pensioner, I don't want to be sharing my home with a teenager."
To be honest, I don't think anyone wants to share their home with a teenager. Fair enough.

" We come and go as we please." You will lose this, and its something I find hard. Equally, children do not necessarily bind you to one place - they can travel too. Also, its only for a few years that they are around.

"I love PEACE at home."
Me too. But I also love the sound of laughter (usually mine) as DD plays. And then the heavenly peace you get when DC are in bed, is far more peaceful than anything I had pre-DC.

*We are financially independent." And still can be.

"If I have children it will only be to keep DW, but my nice easy life will be ruined."
Ruined? Really? Or just changed? And after 30 odd years of the same thing, would a change not be a bit refreshing?

"And how much time will she be able to spend with me anyway?" You will probably both want to spend time together as a family.

If none of these arguments work for you, then you must consider how you will feel if you and DW part company.

For what its worth, I didn't want to have dc - (both my pregnancies were unplanned) for similar reasons to yours. But somehow fate decided on a different path for me - and I think life is not necessarily better or worse for it - just different.

I was 39 when I had my daughter, prior to that I wasn't interested in children, didn't like them much in fact. Then late 30s I, like your DW, began to hear that clock ticking. Childfree was gradually going from being a choice to a fact imposed on me by biology. It is painful, I can so identify with the feeling down.

My DP wasn't keen initially, he had a son from a previous marriage and that was him sorted in his opinion. Anyway, to cut a long story short, at some point when faced with the possibility that I might decide to leave he decided to concede and our DD was born about a year later.

Our life has been turned upside down, but not entirely in the way either of us expected. DP, to his great surprise, also bonded straight away with DD, which apparently didn't happen with his son. We have managed to retain some elements of our previous lives, ie

• We both work full time and we both keep our accounts separate as we have always done. We just pay a fixed sum into a joint account to cover mortgage, nursery fees etc. I have never depended on him as mat leave is excellent where I live so I was able to stay at home for 10 months and remain financially independent.
• we have maintained some of our interests and we still go out, although more often separately as we have no family nearby.
• We still travel and I manage to fit my work trips around DD and even bring her along when possible.
• Re the peace argument it's not terribly noisy with one and you don't resent the sound of your child singing along to his favourite tune

You do have to be more flexible and the marriage has to be more of a partnership. Financially it is an outlay, but never as bad as you think if you avoid all the hype. Little people don't actually need much. To compensate, the joy a child brings is immense, I'd never have imagined just quite how much. I would never have imagined myself sitting down and clapping along to some inane song and actually enjoying it. There are some aspects that are deathly boring but that's probably just me because I'm not terribly motherly. Neither of us can imagine being without DD now, and I do wonder what I did with my life before she came along .

Thanks for your replies, especially those who have found themselves in a similar position.

We're both quite experienced with kids, DW has been a nursery nurse in the past, we spend quite a bit of time with our friends and their kids including sleepovers. It's enjoyable for a few hours but then I get bored (about the same time the kids do).

Please keep your thoughts coming, it's very thought-provoking for me.

to be totally honest, i think its wrong to have children, just to keep your dw happy.
sounds like your both with the wrong partners and you would both/all be better off if you split up.
sorry really don't mean to be harsh, but dw could still meet someone that would love kids, and you can meet someone that doesnt want children

i think it would be horrible for the child to brought into the world as a compremise.

The difficulty is that once that desire to have children kicks in, it's very unlikely that it will just go away of its own accord - you're right to be addressing the problem reasonably quickly and while you do sound a tad dispassionate about such an emotive issue, clinical objectivity is probably the right way to go.
You've listed the cons, and they are cons - the likelihood of you being able to read the Telegraph in silence is very remote, for example (although some babies do sleep occasionally).
You haven't listed any of the pros - children are challenging and endlessly fascinating - I've just walked home from school with a 9 year old telling me that Christians are all idiots, for example (yes, words lke tolerance were exchanged); parental love is so all-consuming and overwhelming that you won't resent the lifestyle changes, you will keep your wife, you might actually have fun and enjoy it!

I get bored with others' children but not my own, I do however tear my hair out and wish they'd shut up once in a while, admittedly. To be honest I don't think you can compare having your own to looking after others'. The feeling is completely different.

If dw's clock is ticking then it's unfair to expect her not to have children to please you.

Also not fair of you to say 'yes dear whatever' to keep her happy as ultimately you might resent her for it. (You also might fall in love with proposed child and wonder what took you so long

It's a hard one for sure....... I am in a similar boat but reversed, my dp wants one but I've got 2 already and am a bit dubious.....

IMO you have to find a way to agree. Having children changes everything, your whole horizon shifts and you both have to agree if you want to avoid problems later. As an earlier poster said, the only way is to sit down and talk it through with DW and figure out what to do next.

Food for thought;
Your own children are not like anyone else's, no previous experience can give you an indication of having your own children.

There is not a fixed parenting plan - you could both continue to work, you could change your lifestyle completely...

DW is 39, you need to make a decision quickly or the decision could be taken out of your hands and that may cause resentment.

Good luck!

You are never 'ready' for children.

I dont think it would change life in the same ways as you expect it to, your lfie will hcnage hugely but the things you mention in your op are not really the issues that you will have to face.

I would imagine you're both pretty financially secure so the money side of things shouldn't be a huge problem, all families with children can still have social lives away from each other, it just take more arranging, and as someone else said, sitting in the living room with the doors open to the garden reading the telegraph with the sounds of your DC's tinkling laughter is not quite the same as being blasted by a bulldozer.

I think it's good that you are trying to gauge opinion but the person you really need to speak to is your DW.

my brother told me before i had kids:

'children are the most wonderful thing and the most terrible thing at the same time.'

i think that sums it up. nothing prepared me for the depth of feeling i have for my dc's. nothing prepared me for the loss of my old life.

at least you're making the decision with your eyes wide open.

"I have to say though that I don't know anyone who has ever regretted a child, but I do know a few who've regretted never having one." That comment sums it up for me. I used to think I didn't want to have children and left it late-ish (35). Of course they change your life, but you know what, now they are here I'm so glad they changed it. Who wants to live the same life in their 40s, 50s, 60s that they were living in their 20s? I didn't realise until my daughter was born how much I really wanted to have children - now I think the worst tragedy that can befall anyone is not to have them. A friend in his 40s swore he would never have children until his wife accidentally became pregnant. He and his son are now inseparable - he is a stay-at-home dad - utterly changed and so much happier for it. Go for it - I just hope you haven't left it too late.

I don't think you can judge how you'd feel about your own children from your experience of other peoples'. It's different. You don't love your next-door neighbour's kids!

There really isn't a way to explain what it's like becoming a mother or father - you have to do it to find out. Which is clearly a risk.

Agree re talking to your wife - if you are really set in your ways, then you have to be honest with her. Because if she does desperately want children, then you have to do the decent thing and let her go.

You say you get bored with other peoples dc however you must have heard the old saying

"Kids are like farts you love your own ,but hate everyone else's "