Should we have children?

[FrankPelham]

I am 47, DW is 39. We have been together for 17 years. I have a 28-year old daughter as a result of a teenage "holiday fling", she was born in America and at her mother's request has never been part of my life.

I have never wanted children and neither has DW. Until now... the ticking has started and it is loud. Many of her friends are pregnant or have babies. Sometimes DW gets very down about this situation, understandably. VERY very down.

Why don't I want children?

• Life is full. We both have many and varied interests in sports and the arts. We go out regularly, both together and individually. I don't want that to change.

• When I'm a pensioner, I don't want to be sharing my home with a teenager.

• We come and go as we please. We are both freelance journalists (on very different publications) so hours can be unpredictable and both of us sometimes work late at the office. Also, both of us often go climbing with friends (or camping, etc) for the weekend at very short notice. I don't want that to change.

• I love PEACE at home. During quiet weekends I like nothing better than to sit in our living room with the garden doors open and read the Telegraph in total silence.

• We are financially independent; we have never had a shared account; DW hates depending on other people. If we have a child, she will depend on me financially but will resent having to ask. I don't want to suddenly spend my money on anyone else and will resent being asked.

If I have children it will only be to keep DW, but my nice easy life will be ruined. And how much time will she be able to spend with me anyway? If I don't have children, DW may resent me for the rest of our days, or leave me to have children - which she is seriously considering.

What should I do? Can anybody share experiences of this situation?

I am asking in Mumsnet because after searching the internet for a suitable place to ask, there seems to be a good mixture of people here.

I think your age is against you, not for fertility reasons, but for the way that people with more life experience generally weigh up the pros and cons and "reach a decision".

My situation is a bit different from yours - I had fertility issues from my very early 20s. I knew I wanted children, one day - I didn't want to get to 60 and my family to just be DH and me - but that day came a bit sooner than I might have planned, had I had much choice in the matter.

I have had times when I've thought how different my life would be without the boys (I had two in quick succession - the fertility issues that were a problem suddenly weren't, shall we say?!), of course I have. But I cannot imagine how empty and selfish my life would be without them.

It's an adjustment, of course it is. You'll do things you don't particularly want to do. But you'll laugh like you've never laughed before, you'll enjoy things you'd taken for granted, because you're teaching them to your child, or they'll notice something and ask you to explain it.

Of course, you might decide to go with the endless quiet afternoons, the long dark teatime of the soul(!), and that's just as valid a decision.

But to look at other people's children and assume that you will feel the same way about yours - well, it's incomparable. I assume you love your wife more than the wives of other men? It's similar.

Good luck with your decision. Don't do too much weighing up though. And do remember what your wife wants in all this. You may lose her if you decide no, whether she actually physically leaves you or not.

I don't agree re the age thing

Paul McCartney is 65 with a 4 year old

Sometimes being old makes you want to go for it

I think Fortyplus's 'evangelism' comment hits the nail on the head.

We have close friends who have chosen not to have children. Rationally, I totally respect their decision.

Inwardly though, I actually feel sorry for them and have to stop myself shouting about all the things they are missing out on.

[I find it hard to get enthusiastic about the problems they are having with their cats though ....even for the sake of politeness ...]

I don't think it's 'our' decision, Frank. It's 'my' decision. She wants them. She is pained by the billowing fertility surrounding her. Many of us have been in her place. It's not nice.

Which - as Hunker points out - kind of blows the idea that All Will Return To Normal out of the water, in any case. But can I say that if you do feel that you cannot face having children (and children will ruin quite a lot of your life as it is at the moment, be quite clear about that) you have to discuss separation. And - please not this carefully - you, Frank, have to present this separation in a way that does not make your wife feel so crap that she then feels unable to find another partner/donor/clinic in the near future, because she is 39 and that's an age where you can't put things on hold for five years to get over someone breaking your heart.

have only read the Op.

She should have children. You shouldn't.

I agree w/motherinferior and colditz.

That should of course be 'notE this carefully'.

My partner, by the way, split up with his girlfriend when they were in their 20s because she wanted kids and at that stage he didn't. I think he did manage to do it in a generous and non-hurtful way (she found a nice man almost immediately, which suggests that he did).

I would never vocalise this in rl, but there are certainly times when I have really regreted having had children.

We have no family nearby to help out and if I get sick my dh won't take time off work so I have to soldier on .

If I could have had the advantage of foresight then I don't think I would have had them, but I love them now I have them.

I think that my life would have been less fraught without them, less interesting but less fraught. I used to think our relationship could weather any storm but there are times when I doubt it .

There is no denying, they change your life, I do still manage to read The Saturday Telegraph and sometimes during the week I get a glimpse of the Daily one, but it is a hard won pleasure.

When the entire familial relationship is working then it is the most amazing experience I could ever have hoped for, but it isn't always the case and it is very tough if you are a sahm (imho)as all independence and individuality is (temporarily) lost.

It is a life changing decision, good luck with it all.

regretted

[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/49/469998?ts=1202142348609&msgid=9521295 39 NOT too old!!]

OOPS! Try again...

39 NOT too old!!

What happened to Frank? D'you think he's reached a decision yet, and/or is off engaging in the act of impregnation?