Worried about husband's "clean plate policy"!!!

[jujumm]

I have a 7-year-old, healthy, active, daughter. She eats very well from my perspective (experiments with new foods, eats vegetables, etc) while having the typical food aversions which shall pass (no onions please!). Very often (and I mean 90% of meals) my husband makes her finish the food on her plate, even after she has said she is full. Example: dinner tonight was accompanied by garden peas. She ate all her dinner and left a couple of spoonfuls of peas. He said if she did not finish the peas, she would not get a sweet (it's half term and we usually allow a small sugary treat after dinner). I get where he is coming from - why would she get a sweet if she still has some peas left? Also, kids very often say they are full just to ask for a snack, or be fully capable of having their weight in sugar shortly after a meal. But I find it hard to tell when she is "really" full, or just not interested in that meal or in finishing the vegetables. It has happened before that she was "hungry" after dinner, but that is truly rare; more often than not she has dinner, and won't eat again until breakfast the next day. I have read some articles and studies about how force-feeding your child is detrimental to their health, can impact how they control food, and potentially lead to obesity. We had a heated debate about it, as I believe she is old enough to choose when she will "clean" a plate. He is still old school in controlling her food. I told him to look up the research on the subject, and he rebuffed my plea, saying he doesn't believe in it and that he surely would find articles that would back his views. I would welcome it if you could share your views and experiences you have with your children on the subject. And if anyone here is a specialist in the area, please please help!

even me at my big age will still leave some food even if i'm still hungry because i'm over the meal like i'm sick of eating, i don't believe in a closed kitchen either, this is their home they can eat what they want when they want apart from an hour and a half before mealtimes that's the policy i grew up on, we never had a closed kitchen.

We don’t have a clean plate policy but kids dished for themselves at that age and what they put on their plates they MUST finish. They can always go back for more. I cannot abide food waste (grew up in a country where hunger was a real in-you-face everyday thing).

Is your DH her Dad? I was made to eat everything on my plate as a child. I still eat everything on my plate and I am obese! If there is food given to me I will eat it till it's gone.

There are a couple of issues here one is that force feeding can lead to disordered eating.

The other is she is heading for puberty, I'm sure I'm not the only person who's appetite fluctuates with hormones.

I used to put 1/2 a Lb on the week before my period and crave certain foods.

Food is food.

A Basic amount of a balanced diet is needed for nutrition and health, the rest we eat in moderation / for enjoyment.

Making one food (pudding / sweets) the ‘reward’ for eating other food instils the idea of one food as being a penance or endurance, and the other a sort of holy grail, to be desired, to be our reward. Surely anyone can see how that leads to comfort eating?

Your DH should not be using sweet foods as a reward. Food should not be a battleground.

If she eats well, is not unduly fussy, why force feed her a few more peas? What is the benefit or point?

I wouldn’t force my kids to clear plates, but I do encourage them to eat a bit more before giving in. I wouldn’t offer a pudding or sweets afterwards though. If you are too full for dinner, then you are too full for pudding.

why are so many people on here against a sweet treat after dinner

We don't force DD to finish what's on her plate although we do try and encourage her to eat more as she is becoming hideously fussy. But if she's full - I wouldn't allow a pudding.

But as above, we are in poor heating habits territory and almost as soon as she's finished dinner she wants 'something else'.

I have no objection to pudding but not when that is being prioritised over actual food.

A lot of people on this thread clearly haven't heard of pudding stomachs!

Ha, cross posted!

If you’re going to have a clean plate policy, at least let them decide how much to put on their plate and teach them to start small and get seconds if they need to.

I hate clear plate policies - because it’s absurd.

Yes we often do this with 'dessert' food. DD will quite happily eat a spoonful of jelly or something and then a few spoonfuls of her main meal, then some more jelly or whatever it is. She was dipping cheese in her dessert the other day, which gave me a very instant 'No don't do that!' reaction but then I realised that there's nothing wrong with it if she enjoys it (little weirdo).

Maybe she doesn’t like your food?

I had many a meal as a child which tasted grim. As an adult, I have a lot of choice and won’t eat something if it’s horrible tbh. So I can see why kids do this.

Food shouldn’t be a battle. Give children more control and if you’re worried about waste, then give them a little bit first.

@Believeitornot we specifically cook what we know she will eat. We no longer cook the food we know she will refuse to eat. But it means we are down to quite limited types of food. The food she will eat is at least healthy (fish, chicken) and includes most veg. But it is extremely repetitive.

But she would live on snacks if we allowed it.

You won't have the problems while you are controlling their food intake though. You are creating problems for them as adults as OP correctly stated.

We had a clean plate policy growing up (mostly through necessity, we had limited money and couldn't afford food waste). It took me till I was in my 30s to unlearn the habit of clearing my plate and eating a full meal every mealtime, rather than listening to my body to see if I was really hungry. I've had lifelong weight issues.

I'm somewhere in the middle of the sides of this debate.
I think a clean plate policy is wrong because you shouldn't be forced to eat a meal if you genuinely don't like it or are full. However I would also ask them to finish a couple of spoonfuls of peas left on the plate, even if full, because those peas won't make a difference to being full and they are full of nutritional goodness. I would not do the same if it was chips or something less nutritious.
I would never use sweets or puddings as a reward for eating or remove them as a punishment. My parents did this and it gave me an unhealthy approach to sweet foods. So I've always approached sweet things as just being part of a meal, not a treat or reward.

Let her help herself to her own food. I found out years ago that they tend to put less on their plates than we think. Also I have always made sure any vegetables are their favourites so they are more likely to eat them. And sugary stuff as a reward gives the wrong message, imo. Ok in moderation but not dressed up as a treat, just part of the meal.

My feeling is that you need a nuanced approach to all of this. I have three DC all now teens who generally eat very well from a wide range of foods, and are slim and healthy (DH and I are the same). We decided early on that our aim - rather than a strict 'clear plates or no pudding' or 'eat whatever you fancy with no comment/discussion' was to teach healthy eating habits that respect individual appetites while also encouraging eating a range of foods, and to minimise food waste (for economic and environmental reasons, but also because in a larger family, someone else might want/need that food that ends up in discarded pile on your plate).

When they were small we served 'bare minimum' portions that amounted to really just a taste of the foods on offer. Usually that would all be eaten because they were hungry, though we would encourage them to eat the veg etc if it looked like that would get left behind. Then they could have seconds/dessert as they felt like until they were no longer hungry. We always encourage the eating of veg to ensure balance, but didn't insist too much on things they really seemed not to like - over time their real likes and dislikes became clearer, and we adapted meals so that there were always some things on offer that everyone would like. Eg my son really doesn't like jacket potatoes (hates the fluffy texture inside) so when we have them he has his fillings in a wrap instead). We've always had very limited snacking between meals - just fruit, yogurt, toast.

Now when plating up we ask how hungry they are and adapt accordingly, they tend to say things like 'just a small portion please because I ate a big lunch' or 'I'm starving today, stick an extra spoon on please'. We always tend to have leftovers that are eaten up for lunches/frozen/served up as 'tapas' a couple of days later so I don't mind about that - what I do mind is lots of wasted food left on plates, so I've always encouraged them to think hard about what they can manage and to always start off with less and come back for more if they want it. They all seem to have healthy relationships with food and mealtimes over the years have been pleasurable rather than a battlefield.

My daughter is similar. Incredibly fussy - she’s got a very sensitive sense of smell and taste plus has large tonsils so texture is an issue for her.
The advice we have is to keep giving at least one thing she likes and let her taste other foods but outside of meal times to take the pressure off her.
So we adapt our meals (my son is the opposite end of the scale) so we can always give her something she will eat and the option to try. But I will never force her because she gets incredibly upset about it, genuinely upset that she can’t “do better”. It doesn’t mean she gets to eat what she wants all the time, but I won’t make her eat food she really doesn’t like.

Clear plate policy here too. Fun time daddy lets them away and then half an hour later they’re hungry. My eldest will also eat everything else first and then be full when it comes to the the veg.

I obviously don’t sit them there for hours or force feed them but if you don’t finish it then you don’t get a dessert. If you’re too full then you’ve no room for it