Worried about husband's "clean plate policy"!!!

[jujumm]

I have a 7-year-old, healthy, active, daughter. She eats very well from my perspective (experiments with new foods, eats vegetables, etc) while having the typical food aversions which shall pass (no onions please!). Very often (and I mean 90% of meals) my husband makes her finish the food on her plate, even after she has said she is full. Example: dinner tonight was accompanied by garden peas. She ate all her dinner and left a couple of spoonfuls of peas. He said if she did not finish the peas, she would not get a sweet (it's half term and we usually allow a small sugary treat after dinner). I get where he is coming from - why would she get a sweet if she still has some peas left? Also, kids very often say they are full just to ask for a snack, or be fully capable of having their weight in sugar shortly after a meal. But I find it hard to tell when she is "really" full, or just not interested in that meal or in finishing the vegetables. It has happened before that she was "hungry" after dinner, but that is truly rare; more often than not she has dinner, and won't eat again until breakfast the next day. I have read some articles and studies about how force-feeding your child is detrimental to their health, can impact how they control food, and potentially lead to obesity. We had a heated debate about it, as I believe she is old enough to choose when she will "clean" a plate. He is still old school in controlling her food. I told him to look up the research on the subject, and he rebuffed my plea, saying he doesn't believe in it and that he surely would find articles that would back his views. I would welcome it if you could share your views and experiences you have with your children on the subject. And if anyone here is a specialist in the area, please please help!

If she’s full no she shouldn’t have to keep eating BUT she can leave carbs not the veg portion! I always insist my super fussy DS eats his veg before he finishes the rest as otherwise he pulls the old “I’m full mummy” trick then begs for fruit for pudding 🙄 he can leave some meat or carbs but the veg portion is non negotiable he knows that now.

We have a clear plate = a sweet policy. If they don't finish that's fine but they don't get a sweet. They're also allowed 3 foods each that we wouldn't serve them because we know they are disliked. Those 3 items can't change all the time or be added to. So tonight we had fishcakes but I know DS2 doesn't like them so he had a sandwich.

It is gross. She should eat for hunger or pleasure not because an adult fancies some power over her body.

This is a hard no from me as someone who was forced to clear the plate as a child.

My daughter isn’t remotely fussy and when she’s done I take her word for it. If she’s hasn’t eaten a reasonable amount then the same food is offered when she next says she is hungry and 9/10 she will then clear her plate.

This is wrong imho. The objective is to not be full before you have a treat like a dessert, so that you are only full after the dessert.

The idea that you must be full before you can have a dessert is literally teaching a child to over-eat.

It doesn’t matter if they’ve eaten all their vegetables or not. Pudding isn’t a reward. It’s just a course of the meal.

Sounds grim and it is bullying to force a child to eat more than they want to.

Pudding should never be seen as a reward, it is an important part of the meal for a growing child.

Your dh would have had a battle on hands with me as a child, I was a very picky eater and if I didn't want to eat something there was nothing on Gods earth that would make me eat it!! My dad did try a few times and it just made mealtimes completely miserable and stressful.

@Shittytittybangbang you are right, the pea eating is a very joyless situation hence the post! As for the sweets during half term: on a daily school routine we would rather stick to healthier "sweets" (fruit/yogurt) after dinner, as we know our daughter has desert in school during the day, and when back from school she will also sometimes eat sugary stuff like a cookie for example as part of ther afternoon snack. Right or wrongly, it is how it goes. So adding another layer of "expected" high sugar treat at night seems a lot to us. But that is just how we meal plan, and not a "this is absolutely not allowed" policy. 😉

In my work I helped a binge eater. There were at least three ways that her parents forced her to eat. It translated into compulsive eating. We had to address all of them.

She's been free from binges for nearly a year now btw.

Clean plate policy kind of worked when there were rations and no more food to be had. Absolutely terrible idea when children don't get to plate their own food.

Ok this is an extreme but I had a very abusive step parent who relished watching me balk and gag on gristle and fat . If I vomited I had to re eat it .
While not as extreme I'd say it's a recipe for disordered eating .

Now I eat rarely . Probably one meal a day , cooked from scratch but only what I enjoy eating.

I was grossly underweight into adulthood . There are still foods that make me shudder. I cannot eat mashed potatoes after refusing caused a broken finger after a caning for refusing to eat it .

I've been no contact with my mother for 25 years.

I have two adult children who eat well but as children they didn't always - tastes develop. I would no more force a child to eat something they didn't want as I wouldn't an adult with free will .

I know my case was extreme but I would never ever use food like this .

@Xaviera I am embarrassed! I should have previewed it before posting. Paragraph point taken! :)

I was a fussy eater and was always made everywhere (nursery and home), to eat everything or no sweets/play. I still remember a nursery assistant standing over me to finish eating when all the other kids already played. At home it would usually be no sweets as a punishment if food is not finished. I grew up to have a very unhealthy relation with food, and some sort of eating disorder that I'm still trying to deal with.
Please don't use sweets (or any other food) as a reward.
I would try to trust my children when they say they're full, if shortly after dinner they say they're hungry I'd offer something substantial/healthy first and then a sweetie.

@stillvicarinatutu I am so so sorry to hear about your experience, it sounds absolutely awful! Thank you for sharing it with me, and I agree with you: albeit your case is more extreme, it stems from similar parent behavior, which is exactly why I am worried and seeking to solve this dilema!

Sorry you went through that 💐

Eurgh, I hate this and grew up like this having to sit at the table for ages until I’d finished it all. It’s bizarre, kids know what they do and don’t like eating, like we do and they know if they’re full up 🤷🏻‍♀️We don’t generally have a sweet/dessert afterwards and just have a mix of healthy food and sometimes biscuits/crisps/ice cream in the house and have a mix. I do say not too many sweets though and say it’s because too much sugar isn’t good for the teeth

This is why we tend to serve ourselves food in the middle, take as much as you want. Left overs can be taken for lunch the next day etc. DS won't only eat chicken nuggets, pizza etc because that's not good we have at home (occasionally make pizza dough etc but that's more of an activity than a mid week dinner). Pudding here is fruit and/or yoghurt during the week, weekends other options might be available , this weekend just gone DS and I made rice pudding (easy for him to help with). DS doesn't have to clear his plate for pudding, but he does have to have eaten what I would consider to be a portion of veg. He had a good appetite and is largely unfussy, healthy height and weight.

It’s proven scientifically that it leads to eating disorders and boundary issues as children grow up. It’s an awful rule. You wouldn’t do it to an adult so don’t do it to a child.

If they have room for dessert they have room for dinner

Thanks for your concern but I will parent my children as I see fit.

@tonyhawks23 my measure of her "spoonful" in this context is a kiddy spoon, where she probably loads no more than 5 or 6 peas in! 🙂I like the concept of her serving herself, many others suggest the same and we probably should have been doing this already.

As a child about 7 I was told off by a friends parent for not finishing my meal and told to finish the meal (never an issue at home if I did/ didn't clear the plate). My friend and her siblings were obviously used to clearing their plates as they looked at me in horror when I'd said I was finished.
I then became obsessed with eating everything on my plate and soon after became quite greedy and always wanted extra portions at home or family's houses.
Aged around 9 my dad (who previously never knew what/ how much I ate) wanted my mum to cook a new meal but it was foods I didn't like. My mum tried to say but he wouldn't have it and I was dished up a meal I didn't like. I refused to eat it and was told off by him so much and sent back to the plate about 3 times. In the end I put it in the bin and said I'd eaten it. Omg he hit the roof and I was massively punished.

In my teens I then became anorexic but my periods stopping scared me into eating and becoming a slim 6-8 and near healthy weight. Late teens and a year into a relationship I ballooned to a size 16-18. Then have been up and down since and bulimic within the mix also.
I've had massive issues with food and there were also external factors but I'll never forget my friends mum making me eat and I really believe it impacted.

This is on a much worse scale to your dd by the sounds of it but I wanted to share my story.

Now with mine, I tend to know if full means full (because of other foods that day) or if it's I don't want the meal. I can see the way food is being eaten to know if it's more about not being keen. I never make mine clear the plate and will always say when tummy's full we stop. In the past I would eat sometimes until it hurt I was so full.
I will sometimes say to mine eat a bit more and move some to one side of the plate but it's different depending on the circumstances and I always give a treat after- just smaller if they're 'full'.
If they don't like a food I don't feed it them. If it's a new food they try and it's not liked it's well done for trying.

Hope you can talk to your dh to sort this asap.

I don't believe in the clear plate policy, it's proven it's harmful to children's mental health and it can lead to overeating. If you're frequently having your DC saying they're full, you need to portion control better.

I think forcing a child to finish every meal must make mealtimes quite unpleasant for fhem. I also think every child is different so there is no one answer for how to deal with food. As a child I was a fantastic eater so if I ever didn't I was probably unwell so my parents would never think to force it. My brother however had to be encouraged to eat as he didn't enjoy eating as much as me and had better things go be doing.
I'd probably suggest the option of not finishing but that's what you'll be eating later if you want more food.

I do exactly this as well, encourage to eat 2 more mouthfuls before giving up. I have two excellent eaters though who usually finish everything on their plate without being asked. I don't believe in force feeding. But I also would probably not bother with pudding if they were unable to eat their dinner (unless it was something they really hated). I'd assume they were too full to finish.

In our house you can stop eating whenever you want. But there is nothing else if they dont finish their dinner. They mostly do and then est toast, yoghurt whatever

My ex had a clean plate policy. Every meal became a battle - bloody awful.

I have always told the kids (now 16 and 12) that if someone else serves the food they don't have to finish it if they are full but if they fill the plate they should eat it. It does make them think a bit more how much they actually want to eat. If they are still hungry then they can have seconds or something else.

When they were younger if they didn't finish the food they wouldn't get anything other than fruit until the next meal - fruit is always freely available.